To ask my maid of honour not to announce her engagement at my wedding

@Skyhu, I know you're upset because this thread hasn't delivered what you wanted to hear. You do, however, need to adjust your expectations otherwise you are going to spoil for yourself what should be a happy and joyous event.

If you do that - and I hope you will make the alternative choice - it will be your own doing. The power and the control over that choice, however, also rests solely with you. You can put this into perspective and have the day of your dreams, but you need to actively choose this. As the old mantra goes, you can only control your own behaviour but you can't control other people's; this includes the topics of conversation they might engage in at your wedding.

I suspect you've become caught up in the headiness of your wedding planning, as well as your disappointment and unfulfilled childhood needs in not receiving the love you deserved from your family, and as such are not seeing this situation with the clarity that you might. Your envy of the love which your friend has in her life - and which to some extent I do understand having grown up with a violent and absuive father - is tainting your perceptions of what your day means to you.

You have clear options available. You can choose to let it. Or you can choose to celebrate the love that really matters on that day: that between you and your fiance, which on this important occasion no painful past history should be allowed to taint.

At present your MoH rather than your own personal happiness is occupying the forefront of your thoughts and concerns about this day. This needs relegating to the place it merits. (Also, no one is ever the recipient of 100% of others' attention, even as a bride). But, as I think you already know, this isn't really about your MoH, but about you. When the time is right it might therefore be worth seriously considering seeking some counselling or trauma therapy to come to terms with your past. I know all about that still-crying child inside the seemingly confident adult, who has not had her needs met by the people she trusted most to care for her in her formative years. I've been that child too. With work, it is possible to find a place of consolation and acceptance, and to live a happy, loving and fulfilled adult life. I'm proof of that.

I wish you happiness. It's up to you whether you choose it, and I hope you will. 💐

They will soak up your wedding by attending your wedding ritual.

The party afterward is to thank your guests for attending, not for the bride and groom to be placed on a pedestal and "supported" (whatever that means) by their friends. You are getting married presumably to someone you love and trust. What more do you need? And endless stream of people coming up to tell you that you look nice and wish you well? What??

I do love it when people come on here with a complaint expecting everyone to agree with them.

Rarely does an OP’s update actually put them in a worse light than the Op itself

To those of you who have called me a jealous child, yes - I suppose I am jealous. Jealous of the love she will get that I haven't had. The lack of love I have had from my family is perhaps what is making the attention from my friends all the more important to me. But if anyone is able to say they've never been jealous of anyone, then hats off to you!

Seriously, you’re trying to elicit sympathy for why you want the day to be squarely about YOU.

weddings last for ages, people will talk about everything going. Your friends will be catching up with each other for 8-12 hours, do you really expect them not to talk about or focus on anything other than you for that whole time? In pretty much every wedding I've been to I've spent far more time catching up with other guests than actually engaging with the bride and groom, because they are spread out trying to spend a little bit of time with everyone.

Your other friends attending might also have big news to share - are you really expecting them to not bring up theirs either just incase it overshadows yours?

You might do all this to enforce on poor MOH to not say anything and then a different friend will rock up with an engagement ring or pregnancy announcement or something!

but the problem is if she or her DP have already told even one of your mutual friends, you'll have to also tell them not to mention it, and then it gets really weird.

Otherwise someone will ask her 'So what's new with you?' she'll reply 'Oh, nothing much,' but then friend who has been told will say "Except for your engagement, that's big news!" or later on in the night "Hey guess the next time we'll see each other is at (MOH')s hen!" and everyone will be thinking your poor MOH is weird for not telling them really big news and start gossiping about if she's unhappy with her DP.

Even if she doesn't tell them at the wedding and then messages them/meets up with them after to tell them once she's "allowed", they'll obviously ask when it happened, she'll say the date, and they'll all be confused asking 'Why didn't you say anything at the wedding?'
Unless you also want her to lie about you telling her not to tell people as well as about not being engaged, she'll say "because Skyhu told me not to tell anyone so as not to take the attention away from her" and then all your friends will think you're weird/self-obsessed.

But if they mention her wedding, it'll just be a quick "Oh congratulations. That's great news". They won't be "preparing for the next wedding". If my best friend/maid of honour had just got engaged and there were loads of mutual friends at our wedding, I'd actually raise it myself!! I'd stand up and say "Can we all toast my dear friend xxxx, who's just got engaged!".
Why wouldn't you? I feel like you're going to be stressing all day in case someone one finds out about her engagement. What are you going to do? Ask her to remove her ring?

Surely the ring will be the giveaway?!

I've planned a wedding OP. It was small with about 15 guests. Other than my mum, nobody there knew my sister was pregnant but she turned up with a bump and of course there was talk about it. It didn't detract from the day at all and I don't feel like I had any less attention than I otherwise might have done. You have no idea how you'll feel on the day. You'll be in your own little world, floating on cloud 9 and you'll barely take anything in other than your new husband. You'll have no idea if others have spoken about your friend's engagement or what they had for dinner last night. Don't let this overshadow your day, you'll (hopefully) only do it once and it's such a special time.

I'm also perplexed that it seems to be outrageous to suggest I would want attention on my wedding day?? To those of you who have said this, you must have never gone through the process of organising a wedding
Don't be ridiculous. You seem to think it's all or nothing. That if there is any discussion whatsoever of another wedding and anything other than 100% focus on you then it's ruined your day. Most of us have organised our weddings. None of us have expected 100% attention or considered that anything less than that is spoiling anything.

I got engaged a few weeks before my friends wedding. I didn’t announce it but people knew and were wishing us congratulations and asking to see the ring etc… This wasn’t in the middle or the ceremony or speeches or anything however just when we were all talking and catching up with our lives. As long as she isn’t making an announcement I don’t see the issue.
my friend chose to give me her bouquet at the end of the night saying ‘you next’ which was lovely.

I can see you’re upset, but you need to be realistic. When someone tells you they are engaged do you really immediately start thinking of their wedding, unable to concentrate on your day? People are capable of saying congratulations and enjoying the atmosphere of your day. People rarely talk about weddings at weddings, people don’t really talk at length about other people’s weddings full stop!

Maybe I’m the odd one, but when my friends have got engaged I’ve said congratulations and then we generally talk about something else. I’ve never given other people’s weddings that much attention.

You’ll have a lovely day, other people having good news will surely only make your day better? This won’t take anything away from the wedding.

People have taken the time to respond in detail. You need to get a grip and get some perspective. So much minor stuff can go wrong on a wedding day; please don’t hype it up even more than you have done already, otherwise I worry how you will cope if things don’t go your way on the day.

These things like your moh getting engaged and telling others, are unimportant. People are not going to spend the whole day talking about your wedding, nor will they be spending the day ‘focussing on the next one’. Hopefully they will be relaxed, chatting about all sorts of stuff, and enjoying themselves, knowing they are there for the union of very special friends.

Do you love each other and are you excited about your life ahead being married? If so, that’s amazing and all that you need.

’I really don't want her to take my one day away from me too’

Nothing you have just said has made me change my mind on this. How on earth is she ‘taking your one day away’ from you??

Have you been to a wedding before? I’m not asking that to be sarcastic or mean, but your idea of what happens, is so far off base, people will be like oh don’t they look lovely, and that really will be the end of the conversations about you both. They will be soaking up the wedding by being at the wedding, even her telling them about hers won’t be them focused on the next one, it will just be an oh that’s nice congrats. No one is obsessing over weddings, engagements etc apart from the two people involved, it’s a passing thought for everyone else.

people aren’t being mean, they’re being realistic, you will spoil it for yourself far more with this thought pattern than a close friend sharing her news while chatting.

Oh come on. You asked if you were being unreasonable and everyone has said yes. Why ask if you're going to be so dismissive of the responses?

Same here, I’m quite baffled by some of the responses. In fact, I would have suggested the best man or the groom mentioned it in their speech (if the friend agreed) so we could all raise a glass to them.

I’ve been at weddings where the speeches have included birthday wishes for the groom’s niece (turned 18 the day before), welcoming a new family member (six week old baby at the wedding), congratulating relatives on 40 years of marriage (anniversary the previous month), and they’ve all been lovely moments with shared happiness.

Unbelievable
Incredible
Bizarre

I don't think your explanation changes anything. It's unreasonable to expect everyone's full attention for the entire day and even more unreasonable to expect her not to tell people in passing small talk conversation. Nobody is going to make a big deal of it. They'll say oh congratulations then move on. You'll probably not hear a thing about it because you'll be off for photos and speaking with other guests.

it’s your day, but people are often catching up for the first time in ages and will be sharing all sorts of news.

@Hoober is spot on. And it doesn’t take anything away from your day, honestly - people have come together to celebrate your marriage, but they’ll have a wide range of conversations. It’s true at any big event: christenings, funerals etc. You really can’t control what people talk about! So - if she’s telling people she’s pregnant in the course of chatting to them, then totally fair enough. If she’s trying to make a speech about it, not so much.

If it was my MOH, I would class her as my best friend aka Soul sister & I would be thrilled that she will be getting married.

Weddings are filled with love & excitement for the future, shared with family & friends.

I'm assuming you have many joint friends & perhaps she hasn't mentioned to all in a group because she doesn't want to look like she's taking any sort of limelight from you, but maybe assumes once you're married, she can then share her exciting news & what better way, having many joint friends & the wedding atmosphere to make such an amazing announcement.

As her best friend, I would be tempted to talk to her beforehand about her intentions! (Reassuring her to leave the announcement to me as her best friend) & sneakily enquire if they have thought about their wedding dance song etc!

Then after my 1st dance, I would ask the DJ to make an announcement & dedicate their song to the Newly engaged couple 🥂

I was excited to have just this one day which could be all about us.
no wedding is this, it’s your day, but people are often catching up for the first time in ages and will be sharing all sorts of news. Have you been a guest before? This is standard wedding stuff.
also you’re overhyping the drama of telling people your engaged, most people are going to just be like hey congrats to her and move on.
you need to get over whatever weird jealousy you have of her, as that’s going to eat you up far more than her telling people she’s engaged.

So you’re jealous of her.

You are still being unreasonable. Did you think people will refrain from talking freely and only discuss you and your new DH? Have you not been to many weddings?

A friend of mine ‘announced’ her pregnancy at my wedding. As in she told our friends and me ( she wasn’t drinking)

I was delighted for her! It was great to share happy news at a happy event.

didn’t spoil my day at all and wonder why people think that everyone has to be thinking about only them all day!