Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

It might not be her choice to be honest.

I work with children and have been working closely with a family recently. Dad in a similar situation as your son’s friends dad and mum didn’t want him anywhere near (understandably). He took her to court and got unsupervised access 3 times a week. Now they’re amicable for the child’s sake but if she had it her way, dad wouldn’t be in the child’s life anymore.

I have a few questions here.

Firstly, he is not definitely going to be there, OP has just said it's likely. But surely both parents would be too ashamed to have him there given that he's a convicted paedo and everyone knows it. Also if they had a shred of decency they would see how hugely inappropriate it would be for him to be present at a party full of kids, right? I'd say he gave up that right when he decided to be a nonce.

Secondly, if he is definitely going to be there then there's no way I would send my kid! All the people who are saying that it's ok as he wouldn't be alone with them are missing the point. I wouldn't even want the sicko to set eyes on my child. What would be going through his mind while he's watching all these kids?? And I'd also be wary of any photos that the kid's family are taking of the party...

Don't put the feelings of somebody else's child above the safety of yours, OP. Even if nothing untoward happens on the day, how do you know he's not looking at your child with a sinister agenda?

Your children may interact with paedophiles all the time, they just haven't been caught yet or warrant anything to be arrested for. There are plenty around and unlike the USA we don't have an open register in the UK. The best thing you can do to safeguard your daughter is to make sure she's supervised properly at friends parties and in group settings. Chances are this man has conditions around interacting with minors so may not even be at the party. You're worrying too much and over thinking this and penalising your daughter and her friends in the process.

That's it. You're going to have to be really straight, Op so that there's no chance of crossed wires or this horrible man turning up - ever. If your dc get invited to his child's party tell the "mother" explicitly that you won't be attending if the "father" is present. He's also not welcome at any parties that you host. It's horrific, he could be abusing his own son.

Paedophiles do not change. I feel sorry for the child having such a pathetic mother. Women who allow convicted paedophiles to still have access to their child are as bad as the offenders. Sadly I speak from professional experience.

I'm absolutely appalled at some of the views on here. Paedophiles are utterly irredeemable and cannot be rehabilitated. The fact that so many are blasé at letting this man around is shocking. I'd be having a very blunt conversation with the mother ASAP to let her know your standing, that she and her child are always welcome but he is absofuckinglutely not. You don't know her circumstances and fair enough but I'd totally be side eyeing a woman who stays with her pervert husband.

I really dislike judgemental vigilante style approache

Are you for real? This man is a paedophile, of course I will judge.

It's because of people like you, and your warped sense of 'injustice' as to why being woke is seen as a slur.

You and your thoughts are vile. I WILL JUDGE A PAEDOPHILE. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO JUST A PAEDOPHILE!

You are literally insane, stupid and dangerous.

Are you sure the wife is staying wifh him? If so, how?

How tf can you sleep with a man, knowing he is looking at pictures her children's ages.

She is sick also. And the alienation from other kids towards child will be because his mother is weak amd selfish.

Poor child. Better off with a new family!

If he's on the sex offenders register , surely he should not be allowed to attend kids parties full stop!!! I would be going to my local police station and asking if this is even permissible. How she can even continue a relationship with him is beyond me.

Its your event.
You can choose to ban him.

Its not tricky in the slightest.
He's a convicted sex offender. No need to be polite or accommodating.
He's not welcome. End of.

”I was responding to the sentence “It’s ok to make kids sad””

I think this was possibly poorly worded, @qandatime. Maybe a better way to phrase it would be, ‘in these circumstances, a child being sad is the lesser of two evils (the greater being exposing other children to a paedophile)’.

@TessTimoney Please don’t call it CP. Pornography should be something that only fully consenting adults are involved in (even if we know that’s not always the case) and what happens to children is images of CSA. It might not seem like an important distinction but it really is to many of us. Thank you 🙂

@waterrat I really dislike judgemental vigilante style approaches. This man is being monitored by SS and police and those close to him know his risks You have a very misplaced confidence in the ability of the authorities to prevent him reoffending. Children, Waterrat. His risks are children. And the OP has both a right and a responsibility to keep hers safe and not knowingly expose them to someone she knows likes to hurt children. She’s not suggesting sending villagers to his house with lit torches and pitchforks. She’s very calmly and very quietly asserting her boundaries. And this is a very sensible one to assert.

These creatures cannot be rehabilitated. They just can’t. There might be the odd one here or there who manages not to offend, or they might be able to control themselves for a while, but they will either reoffend or they will be thinking about re offending. God forbid, but in those circumstances, how would you explain to a child that their friend’s dad had been in a position to abuse them because you hadn’t wanted to seem judgemental or encouraging anyone else not to talk to him?

OP, there’s a post above that advised to speak to the mum and be very blunt about it. I can’t find it now, but I thought it was very sensible. Tell her that she and her DS are welcome but her DH is not. Partly because you don’t want to knowingly be anywhere near a sex offender, and partly because you do not want your DS growing up seeing his friend’s dad as a safe adult.

She could be staying with him because she’s forgiven him, which I don’t understand at all. But if she’s staying with him to prevent him from having unsupervised access to her DS, then I completely understand that. That would be horrific for her and I’d try not to judge her until I knew which it was.

The mother is just as dangerous as the father.
He is to young to be independent from his parents so unfortunately he's lumped in with them

YOU set the rules here. It's your house.

@springisspringing1 it's worth calling the NSPCC for advice, but potentially by talking to social services, school, and/or the police they might do something if he has broken his conditions.

A Sarah's law disclosure from the police would confirm whether he is a risk or not (but you already know he is), but like all the other authorities they probably wouldn't go into any detail about the offences or his conditions as that's considered to be his private business (ridiculous I know).

Under the right circumstances, if someone you know is being sentenced for a crime, you can attend the sentencing by finding out when and where it is via LawPages (because sentencing are public), and pay for a copy of the transcript of the hearing (a written document confirming everything that waw said in the hearing ad verbatim, can cost hundreds of pounds dependingon the length of the hearing). You would have to have a good reason to recieve a copy of the transcript, I suspect just knowing the person and having a child the same age may not count. It's ridiculous how many hoops they make you jump through to safeguard your child

The problem with encouraging a friendship at all is allowing this guy to be normalized as just ‘X’s dad’, and being seen as benign in the eyes of this kid’s friends. It would be one thing if the mother was of the same mind regarding protecting children from
him, but it seems that they’re still together and she’s actively seeking his reintegration (it’s very possible that she thinks he’s innocent and poses no threat at all, in which case why would she be mindful?). OP would be utterly foolish to trust her and any assurances she may offer.

This man is a pedophile, and intelligent pedophiles can be very patient and insidious in their grooming, building up trust for a long time. Unfortunately, he’s in a position where he can target children using his child, and that means he poses a very real risk to his child’s friends. The safest thing OP can do is keep away entirely. This is obviously very sad for his kid, but it is better than the alternative.

Of course it’s completely understandable that people don’t want to put their children at risk.
Like I said In ops shoes I’d pull the mum aside and say preferably you can drop him off and pick him up. I was abused as a child and the moments I had of going to other kids parties or getting invited on days out with school friends families in the school holidays meant so much to me.
I just feel so sorry for kids like this boy, and I guess going forward not getting an invite to a party is going to be the least of his concerns.

It isn’t on anyone else to put their own children at risk to compensate for the myriad ways in which this child has been let down.

Feeling sorry for this kid should not cloud anyone else’s judgement when it comes to protecting their children.

Holy Moly! Read the rest of my responses.. I agree with you!!! The dads a piece of shit and this boys mum is unfit to be a mother if she’s going to ignore her nonce partner.
I have suggested to op that she should speak to the mum and say she doesn’t want to leave this child out but she obviously can’t have this man any where near her child.
I was responding to the sentence “It’s ok to make kids sad” This poor kid is probably already screwed in life and has been massively let down by society.. He should have been removed from his parents care for obvious reasons. I wouldn’t want to leave him out of the invites if I were op, but like I’ve said I wouldn’t have his disgusting dad anywhere near any children, I’d pull the mother aside and explain.. If she refused to go along with my wishes then fuck her. I just feel sorry for the child!

Agree ! Not sure why anyone would need to support this? If there’s a party, take the mum aside and absolutely make it clear that it’s only her to drop and pick. What is she going to argue? She can hardly say I want my paedo partner around kids will she.

As if said safeguarding can always be trusted, and offenders never commit crimes whilst living under those conditions. Having no ties to him whatsoever is the most effective safeguarding.

It’s not punishing the child, it’s protecting her own children. If her children being friends with this child place them at risk- and imo it does, given that the mother appears to still be with him, and is pushing his reintegration as if everything is normal and fine - then OP should absolutely be discouraging the friendship and keeping distance. Including this child is not worth the risk to her own children.

@qandatime

Do you have difficulties with context?

Because of course it's ok to make kids sad under these circumstances, and honestly, shame on your for putting a paedo ahead of the safety of your own child. Shame the dad didn't think about it being wrong to "make kids sad" eh

A similar situation happened with a friend's husband. Social Services got involved and he is banned from school can't do pick ups/drop offs or attend any events and he can't be around the younhest child unsupervised or do personal care. So any parties etc the mum has to come too. There is probably safeguardings put into place you don't know about. Please don't punish the child they can't chose who they're father is.