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AIBU?

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Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

783 replies

springisspringing1 · 24/04/2025 13:57

I live in a smallish town - only one primary school and only one class per year. My DC is in reception. One of the children's fathers was found guilty of looking at child sex photographs and online grooming of a young teen girl. He is on the sexual offender register. The mother has retained a close relationship with the father (they may still be together - I don't know her well enough). We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community. AIBU is, I suppose, to make it clear I don't want him to bring their child to my child's party? (I will just make an excuse for their party). Also - is this unfair on my child's friend (who is obviously only 4 too). This is not something that is going to go away -- and want to work out how to manage it now. Please be kind - I absolutely know it is not the mother or the child's fault.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/04/2025 23:16

Assuming you have your facts right I couldn't cope with this either. I just wouldn't want a known pedophile in the same room as my child - totally fair enough. I think I would just avoid the birthday parties where he could be there tbh....

Im not sure how you avoid encountering him at events such as the nativity, sports day etc. do the school allow him to attend such events? I'd have thought that would be a potential safeguarding issue?

Mama2many73 · 26/04/2025 22:23

We run a group where a dad was convicted of a sexual attack on a young woman (19). He initially lied but his story unravelled. His wife and sons have stood by him but mum has been very honest with us.
We had to call the police as a safeguarding check to see where we stood And what we needed to do going forward. There was nothing we could do to stop him coming to the group to see his sons, but we had very robust risk assessment to follow if he was present. Luckily he never showed up as I think it may have been very uncomfortable. If his was a crime against children I'd assume there is some ruling regarding being in the presence/contacting under 18s. Not sure how you would find that out though.
You have the awareness that he could be a risk so you can be vigilant if he is about.

Thalia31 · 26/04/2025 22:02

I'm disgusted by how many sympathisers there are for this disgusting man and his wife. I'm truly disturbed

Caerulea · 26/04/2025 20:19

SerafinasGoose · 25/04/2025 19:49

These attitudes are not merely annoying or even contemptible. They are outright dangerous and nothing short of enablement.

All the recommendations upthread to turn the other way, to maintain a culture of silence, to pretend you don't know what even he knows you know, to privilege being nice and polite over uncompromisingly protecting our children, are the reason these men get away with their actions.

This thread right here is a chilling reminder of how and why this culture of enablement exists. It's full of exhortations to maintain that silence; to pretend that this doesn't happen in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary - he's convicted, what more do you need? - all are in-your-face examples of the kind of social attitude that actively aids these men in doing what they do. There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see this particular issue.

No one is suggesting outing him, or vigilantism, or behaving in the usual ways that drive these men underground and make them even more dangerous, as warned against by all the child protection charities. But that coin has a flipside. Silence, pretending it isn't happening, deluding yourself that close supervision is all that's needed to protect your kid, failure to recognise how devious and good at playing the long game these men are: all are equally dangerous. And however well-meaning your motives, this enables abuse.

If you are posting upthread in this vein, you are contributing to this problem.

There's a LOT of batshittery on this thread (maybe everyone got bored of defending Prince Andrew) so thank god for this post!!

OP - I agree with pp who have said approach the mum & be direct. You're not being unreasonable & if she's reasonable (which is in question...) then she'll understand.

I had similar with my kids with someone who isn't convicted but who's then-wife (ex-friend) defended him when the police visited - I called them. After that incident she fucked off to another county (in fairness she had to cos her child needed protecting!) & left him here having gotten off scott fucking free. All I could say to my kids was to never ever go near 'that' house. Now they are older I've pointed him out to them so they know his face, but I was terrified of how close he was. Even contacted the school to say my kids could NEVER get in a taxi with him.

Sure - you do never really know who your kids are around in that respect but then sometimes you absolutely do & it would be bellendry of the highest order not to take protective measures!

HardyCrow · 26/04/2025 20:02

SerafinasGoose · 25/04/2025 19:49

These attitudes are not merely annoying or even contemptible. They are outright dangerous and nothing short of enablement.

All the recommendations upthread to turn the other way, to maintain a culture of silence, to pretend you don't know what even he knows you know, to privilege being nice and polite over uncompromisingly protecting our children, are the reason these men get away with their actions.

This thread right here is a chilling reminder of how and why this culture of enablement exists. It's full of exhortations to maintain that silence; to pretend that this doesn't happen in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary - he's convicted, what more do you need? - all are in-your-face examples of the kind of social attitude that actively aids these men in doing what they do. There are none so blind as those who don't wish to see this particular issue.

No one is suggesting outing him, or vigilantism, or behaving in the usual ways that drive these men underground and make them even more dangerous, as warned against by all the child protection charities. But that coin has a flipside. Silence, pretending it isn't happening, deluding yourself that close supervision is all that's needed to protect your kid, failure to recognise how devious and good at playing the long game these men are: all are equally dangerous. And however well-meaning your motives, this enables abuse.

If you are posting upthread in this vein, you are contributing to this problem.

This. Absolutely this.

Daughtersandbristolian · 26/04/2025 19:45

Motomum23 · 24/04/2025 14:05

Why does she need to put her feelings aside so a paedophile and his sympathisers can feel comfortable??

Absolutely ! The mother is choosing for him to be in their life - so it’s down to them to understand it’s not other people’s job to make him feel welcome and normalise this behaviour - he is a fucking risk!

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:07

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:01

Hi @Helen483 👋
Thank you so much for your kind and considered reply. In all honesty I was prepping myself for some wild responses about being too sensitive or whatever (from other posters, not just you) so your response is very well received. And thank you for the apology. I can see that it is obviously a difficult, emotion-filled subject for you and understand why you wrote what you did. I didn't point it out to make you feel bad about it, I just did it because I found the comment very triggering and wanted to try and minimise it triggering someone else.
So again, a very sincere "thank you" for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience, too. Sending lots of love to a fellow survivor. 💗

@MusicMakesItAllBetter I responded to the wrong user, I'm sorry! Please see my post above in relation to your apology! 💛

greeenscreeen · 26/04/2025 16:01

Helen483 · 25/04/2025 23:17

Thank you.
And I also object to the poster's use of the word "cunt" to describe an abusive man - I can't think of anything LESS appropriate!

Hi @Helen483 👋
Thank you so much for your kind and considered reply. In all honesty I was prepping myself for some wild responses about being too sensitive or whatever (from other posters, not just you) so your response is very well received. And thank you for the apology. I can see that it is obviously a difficult, emotion-filled subject for you and understand why you wrote what you did. I didn't point it out to make you feel bad about it, I just did it because I found the comment very triggering and wanted to try and minimise it triggering someone else.
So again, a very sincere "thank you" for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience, too. Sending lots of love to a fellow survivor. 💗

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/04/2025 12:01

Ivymom · 26/04/2025 07:29

I recommend everyone read “The Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker.

I would talk to the mom and be very blunt. Something like:

”I don’t want to be unkind to you or your DC, but I’m aware of DC’s father’s conviction. I will not allow him in my home or around my child. Your DC is lovely and I want to include them, but you must be the one to accompany them. Also, we are happy to get together for play dates, but won’t go to your home.”

Protecting your DC is more important than not hurting her/her DC’s feelings. You need to advocate for your child. She will need to be responsible for doing what is best for her child. If at any point you become uncomfortable with her too, don’t be afraid to stop socializing with her. She may very well be an enabler and they are just as unsafe as the predators.

I couldn't have worded that better, @Ivymom.

Bernardo1 · 26/04/2025 11:06

Forgive, if this has already been said, but I'm not about to scroll all 30 pages.

This isn't your sole concern or problem.

If as you say, his situation is known, in public, then many other parents will be concerned. You could find children are withheld from your party. There may be physical action, if other parents find him present.
You could even be considered unduly forgiving, condoning his behaviour.
This clearly isn't the case, but hatred of paedophilia is very much knee jerk, without the significant thought you bring to this affair.

BernardButlersBra · 26/04/2025 10:34

Praying4Peace · 24/04/2025 14:03

Yabu
Not sure why you don't want child's dad bringing them to your child's party?
He won't ever be alone with your child.
Your child isn't at risk so for the sake of everyone's wellbeing, you need to support opportunities to allow man to be reintegrated, without putting anymore at risk

No one needs to support this. It isn't anyone else's problem

BernardButlersBra · 26/04/2025 10:29

saraclara · 24/04/2025 14:02

Poor kid. Four years old. "Mummy, why is everyone else in my class invited to Spring minor's party, but not me?"
"Mummy, we invited everyone to my party, so why is no-one coming?"

That's on the mum then for picking the father over the child in effect

Braygirlnow · 26/04/2025 10:04

Gymmum82 · 24/04/2025 14:10

I can’t honestly imagine a time where he would be able to chat to your child at a party. Firstly at parties the kids are all off playing. Secondly you will be there and thirdly I don’t think I’ve ever seen any parents chat to children who aren’t there own at parties, surely you would be able to interject if you did see him trying to engage in conversation and tell him not to talk to your child. Or redirect your child to speak to you and send them off to join in. He’s not going to be able to start grooming your child at a 2 hour party while you are there watching his every move is he really? Whilst I wouldn’t want him near my kid you’re being hysterical because he won’t be able to be near your kid

But what about in years to come when her child is walking from school or out playing and friends dad calls him over or offers lift home or what ever, the child will think oh that's jonnys dad his ok....how do you think these people manage to groom? It's by getting to know the kids. I would just ask the partner of man on list to do the pick ups and drop offs and explain you dont want said man around your child. I don't think that's unreasonable.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 26/04/2025 09:31

dewfirst · 25/04/2025 23:49

Christ on a bike - and that’s from the Police??

Who is protecting who here and what’s happened to crime prevention?

Unless of course they were still in process and had not been convicted.

Always a possibility…..

My son was groomed online and I discovered him watching adult live interactive shit.
The police didn't even take my Chromebook to check the history/harddrive.
Said that because we 'deleted' it
(we closed the tab it was open on, didn't actually 'delete' anything) there was nothing they could do.

DISGRACE!!!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 26/04/2025 09:28

greeenscreeen · 25/04/2025 21:17

I completely and utterly understand your anger and disdain, but in the future please try and consider what impact and consequences your graphic description/words could have on many of us SA survivors. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I think the comment about his daughter's mouth is incredibly, incredibly triggering.

I am truly genuinely sorry. I think you can tell this is a subject I feel very strongly about and when writing out my response, I didn't think of the impact it could have one SA survivors and I absolutely 100% am so sorry that I wrote such explicit details.

Last thing I want is to trigger anyone who has lived that trauma xx

Hmm1234 · 26/04/2025 09:26

That is so gross she should know better! I’m sure you aren’t allowed around children after being on the register please report and to SS, the school. Major safeguarding concerns the mother could even be an enabler

Ivymom · 26/04/2025 07:29

I recommend everyone read “The Gift of Fear” and “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin De Becker.

I would talk to the mom and be very blunt. Something like:

”I don’t want to be unkind to you or your DC, but I’m aware of DC’s father’s conviction. I will not allow him in my home or around my child. Your DC is lovely and I want to include them, but you must be the one to accompany them. Also, we are happy to get together for play dates, but won’t go to your home.”

Protecting your DC is more important than not hurting her/her DC’s feelings. You need to advocate for your child. She will need to be responsible for doing what is best for her child. If at any point you become uncomfortable with her too, don’t be afraid to stop socializing with her. She may very well be an enabler and they are just as unsafe as the predators.

treesandsun · 26/04/2025 00:21

I am amazed how many people are so breezy about someone convicted and on the register being around their child. Yes, you don't know what other people are capable of but you do know what he is capable of. If you were to invite his child to a party - I would include - mum only to do drop off /pick up etc. She can be as keen as she likes for him to be re integrated - doesn't mean you have to go along with it. If she doesn't like that - then she has the option to not attend.

CliantheLang · 26/04/2025 00:10

Gymmum82 · 24/04/2025 15:53

There is zero risk if you are supervising a situation properly. Absolutely zero

Astonishing ignorance on display, here. Many children have been molested by men with other people in the room. Getting away with it is part of the thrill.

Even then, many wondered: How could the parents of these girls have been in the room while Larry abused their child – and not know it was happening?

https://www.npr.org/2018/11/20/669669746/the-parents

dewfirst · 25/04/2025 23:49

Saddm · 24/04/2025 14:38

Op please don't voice your concerns to anyone.. I warned a friend of mine about someone being prosecuted for csa as she had dc of her own. I was given a stern talking to from the police for jeopardising his rehabilitation..

Christ on a bike - and that’s from the Police??

Who is protecting who here and what’s happened to crime prevention?

Unless of course they were still in process and had not been convicted.

Always a possibility…..

ByWittyLimePoet · 25/04/2025 23:33

It isn't her fault he's a predator but it is her fault if she inadvertently or otherwise facilitates his access to potential victims.

So true. How could any mentally balanced mother live with a man who wants to have sex with children? Especially when she has children in tje house.

As I said earlier, she is complicit.

I'm sick to death of these weak women who won't do the right thing! (This excludeds most DV cases).

Why would you put a pedo before the needs of your children and their peers. Pedo can still visit kids (supervised). And, when older, mum can explain.

But, no, she is selfish and purely thinking of her own 'happiness'

I'm beginning to think that the reason there are so many shitty men is because of shitty mother's 'raising' them.

It beggars belief!

Atsocta · 25/04/2025 23:30

No child should be left alone with any adult you hardly know …full stop!

GoodCharl · 25/04/2025 23:20

Imo Once a nonce, always a nonce. Just because his wrist has been slapped and his names on the register doesn’t change his preferences.

id take child to the parties but stay and watch proceedings like a bloody hawk to protect all kids not just mine.

wtf has the mum had kids knowingly with a paedo?!

Helen483 · 25/04/2025 23:17

greeenscreeen · 25/04/2025 21:17

I completely and utterly understand your anger and disdain, but in the future please try and consider what impact and consequences your graphic description/words could have on many of us SA survivors. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I think the comment about his daughter's mouth is incredibly, incredibly triggering.

Thank you.
And I also object to the poster's use of the word "cunt" to describe an abusive man - I can't think of anything LESS appropriate!

WilfredsPies · 25/04/2025 23:14

@MusicMakesItAllBetter Purely because I try to have the courage of my convictions, (and because I don’t want you to blame @greeenscreeen) I’ve reported your post. There are people here who have gone through some horrific things, the same things that your cousin went through. I’m sure it wasn’t your intention to upset anyone, but that description was painful to read. I see your anger. But this is not the place for something so graphic.

Also, and to anyone else who uses the term CP, please, please stop it. It’s almost universal known as images of CSA now because pornography implies consent and because child abuse is not another genre of pornography. It’s very offensive and very hurtful to people who have got enough crap to be dealing with, without having to hear or read that phrase as well.