Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

I completely agree with you. My child would never go to that child’s house and that man would never set foot in my house, if that means the child doesn’t either, then so be it.

Im really surprised at the responses here. Id feel the same as you @springisspringing1 . Id also seriously question the mum here.
People are adamant it couldnt happen at a party - it really could... children have been raped in toilet cubicles while their parents are trying to batter the door down. It takes one child to ask where the loo is, or to be taken inside to get a plaster/drink/napkin etc.

This man chose his actions and he therefore has to live with the consequences.

I would ask the mother if she will be the one bringing her child to your child's party. If so, great. If she says the father will, I would tell her that given his record, you are not comfortable hosting him, but would be happy to have the child dropped off and picked up at the end of the party so the little one isn't left out.

This is the reality that they created and they shouldn't be surprised.

The OP has said that he "will stay" at the party - I am not sure why she believes that, but one would presume he has done it before at someone else's.

He's a paedophile. They're notoriously impossible to rehabilitate.

Can you speak to the mother? and check if he will be present?

I'm firmly with those saying:

1. Your party "We are inviting you to bring X to the party, please note we not willing to have the father attend due to his previous conviction"
2. Boy's party - ask if the father will be attending, because you are unable to send your child if so. Mum can decide if she wants him to have a party with children or with his father.
3. School events - ensure safeguarding lead is aware of the conviction (they should not have him run stalls etc), and accompany your child as usual around strange adults.

No need to put children at risk for the sake of a child abuser's ego. Mum and the son will unfortunately have to get used to it, but can be invited anywhere and decide if it suits them or not.

I think telling the child's mum that her daughter is very welcome, but you don't want her husband in your home is reasonable - child doesn't lose out then.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near children because his crime is so appalling. It wouldn't just be a case of managing the risk to my child, it's a vile crime, I wouldn't want him near any children.

I wouldn't let my daughter ever go to their house though, whether he's in or not.

It’s absolutely impossible while running a kids party to keep an eye on this man and make sure he never has any alone time or one on one conversations with a child. There’s enough other stuff going on, and I wouldn’t want to host a party where any child might be groomed, not just my own.

Society should not be giving this many any opportunity to be around children. He should be allowed to reintegrate in terms of having a job and not being subject to abuse in the street, but he shouldn’t be at children’s birthday parties.

Him being there will inherently mean the kids see him as a safe adult, so if they ever spot him in the playground or at the park he will be a familiar and trusted face. It’s not about him abusing children at the party.

I’d honestly say in the RSVP to the other kids party that you’re only comfortable with DC attending if Dad isn’t there, can they confirm whether he’s attending. And for the invite to your party to say that you don’t want Dad attending and so another adult will need to bring the invited DC - and be prepared to turn Dad away (or maybe accept that this kid will be a drop and run at your party).

I think your position is totally reasonable, but you should make sure the offenders kid isn’t left out as the last think they need is to be isolated. But you should be prepared that you might need to make Mum and Dad feel uncomfortable to do this.

I'd be exactly like you and make sure he's not got access to your child. We had the experience of a new neighbour who was seemingly really friendly and nice. He gave us a bag of clothes from his "sisters child who had outgrown them". He kept asking if the clothes fitted and if he could see my child wearing them. He also was saying that he would love to babysit and we should take advantage so we could go on date nights etc. Something in my gut sort of nagged me, but there was no logical reason that I could put my finger on. So I just gave the bag of clothes back and said that they didn't fit. We didn't use babysitters so it was easy to say no to that. I questioned if I was being paranoid but it just made me feel uneasy each time he brought it up.

Later on I found out this guy was on the sex offenders register and had groomed multiple children, some of whom were under 8. He had done the same "trick" of giving clothes and babysitting as the way to get his foot in the door, so to speak. He went on to offend again and I thanked my gut instinct for a lucky escape.

If your child comes to know him as the dad of one of their friends then psychologically they already tend to think of them as safer than another random male and that makes them vulnerable to abuse.

It might be blunt but it's probably best to say that you want no contact with the Dad and therefore he's not welcome to bring the child to your party.

I can't believe some of the replies you've had OP. It is clear you should not have a known paedophile in a house full of 4 year old's. That should really go without saying. However at the moment it sounds like all this is hypothetical, and he has not actually tried to be at a party? He should have conditions that prevent him from going to childrens parties, so it is unlikely it will actually be an issue. If he is actually going to these things, I would contact the local police and ask their advice.

I've bookmarked this post for future reference- this is a really useful 'script'. Thank you, @MoveYourSelfDearie.

Doesn't mean she should socialise with those that have been.

Has he ever turned up at a child's party? He must have some brass neck on him to do that. Also, I'm wondering are there any conditions attached to him being on the register? Proximity to children etc? I wouldn't want to be in his presence. It's hard because you don't want to single a child out, or let your child miss out on parties, but at the same time I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, or have my child anywhere near him either. I can't understand why the woman would want anything to do with him either.

I agree with this to be honest, I wouldn't want that father anywhere near my kids sorry. I would just be honest to the mum and say you don't want the father present at your kids birthday and can she come alone with her son. Why should you be uncomfortable because of some pervert?

I would take a ‘stern talking to’ any day of the week to protect the children around me. Fuck jeopardising his rehabilitation… paedophiles can’t be rehabilitated.

I think I would do this.

You will know other pedophiles, they just won't have been caught.

I’m with @MissScarletInTheBallroom you tell her that she and her kid are very welcome but for all the kids’ safety, her “D”H is not. Letting a known paedophile into your house is madness. Obviously everyone knows that paedophiles can be anyone, anywhere, but that doesn’t mean you invite them in.

Women staying with paedophile husbands is distressingly common. Look at the journalist India Knight. Her husband was convicted of possessing the worst category of sexual images of children and they still cohabit.

so for the sake of everyone's wellbeing

Give over.

Can you explain how it’s of any benefit whatsoever to the OP or her daughters wellbeing, to be in contact with a convicted child sex offender?

Have you spoken to any other parents? Just to see how everyone else is dealing with this. It's kind of a collective issue....

Op please don't voice your concerns to anyone.. I warned a friend of mine about someone being prosecuted for csa as she had dc of her own. I was given a stern talking to from the police for jeopardising his rehabilitation..

It’s not ‘punishing’ his child to not put her own children at risk. And she would be. She is responsible for the safety of her own children, and if ensuring that means this child is disappointed, then this child will have to be disappointed. Being ‘kind’ is not worth the very real risk of devastating consequences for her children. What would she tell them in the event of that happening? ‘Mummy wanted to be nice, so she put you in harm’s way’?

That there are unknown risks out there does not mean it is at all wise to hand wave away known risks as essentially harmless and expose children to them.

Absolutely this. Why should OP support a vile paedophile? Completely ridiculous. There aren't enough consequences for them as it is.

in many ways he is actually safer than other males your dd may come into contact with because you know. You know not to leave her alone, sleep at this persons house etc. any other man could pose the same if not more threat and you’d never know.

Devil is in the detail. These offences are concerning but there is a sliding scale from images sent to him unsolicited of a 15 year old to generating the images and very young (really bad). Assuming he has received images rather than taking them and he’s not alone I don’t think you should punish the child but I would be very surprised if he comes along to a party because I suspect the terms of the register would forbid it