Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

All this “he’ll never be alone with your child” stuff is moot, IMO.

Just because he won’t have a chance to touch or take photo of your child doesn’t mean the OP should be expected to tolerate him being present around her child where he may well be thinking deviant, perverse thoughts. Thing that he’ll keep in his head for his own pleasure.

Or will I be told “they’re only thoughts”?

Before anyone counters this by telling me that these beasts are everywhere, that might be true but the difference here is that we know this creature is. With any random man, we don’t have that insight and statistically they are probably not a paedophile.

Give these people no room in society. That extends to the mother too. She’s not innocent here.

Seriously? If my DH was a sex offender he'd be far far away from our kids as I'd fight tooth and nail so he didn't have access. If that wasn't possible he certainly wouldn't see them alone.

Functionally fatherless is a damn sight better than having a sex offender in your life!

Even if we assume the mother is trying to act in her child’s best interests (eg in the knowledge the father might get 50% custody if she leaves him, therefore better to stay and be able to supervise), the fact she is trying to push his reintegration into the school community shows a gross lack of judgement. As PPs have said, sadly partners of these devious men are often also groomed by them. In any case, better to be “functionally fatherless” than have a convicted child sex offender co-parenting you, surely?!

Only on MN would a parent wanting to avoid completely a convicted sex offender be described as a vigilante 🙄.

So by completely physically avoiding them, and ensuring your child doesn't come in contact with them, you are a vigilante 🤣

Stunned how blasé some of the responses are being. Especially given Mumsnet views on other issues, such as trans women using ladies'loos. You're all acting like potential victims if a trans woman is in the stall next door, but fine that a known paedophile be around your young child?

Absolutely no way on earth this man would be allowed near my home or child. I'd be making that very clear to the other child's mother and the school.

People on the sex offenders register have conditions placed on them, that are monitored. So it is doubtful he would get unsupervised access to his daughter

This is not necessarily true in my experience. In the majority of cases I've been invoved in, unless there is evidence that the parent was abusing their own child, they have been allowed unsupervised access. Also the monitoring of offenders is patchy due to Police and Probation services being overstretched. The conditions in the SHPO are often vague and offenders can potentially push the boundaries without necessarily breaching them in a way that is actionable.

First I'd ask the police if there are any restriction on him attending a child's birthday party.

If so, that's a simple ish solution - you invite X child and stipulate on the X + mum on the invitation and when the RSVP comes back, you check explicitly that it is her accompanying the child and if dad turns up, tell them that it's a breach of his register conditions.

If he doesnt have conditions on him, you need to be blunt as someone else said. At the moment you aren't further publicising the information, just making use of what's in the public domain, nor are you gossiping, so she should respect that she/her child are vulnerable to you reaching to her reaction.

Lastly, as awful as I feel for the child, at some point their child will be a teenager, the same age as the abused girl. That child will have teenage friends. If your children aren't friends, that makes yur child safer. So I wouldn't exclude the child, but I wouldn't encourage a friendship outside of school because teens as liable to break rules or disregard their parents. It would also be difficult for DD knowing her friends dad is a sex offender and keeping it secret. I wouldn't want to complicate my child's life.

Sometimes it’s hard to be straightforward or honest or blunt @springisspringing1 - but here is a situation that really warrants it.

I would not gossip or collude with other parents, I would simply say to the wife/ mother “due to your partner’s conviction he’s not welcome in our house and my DD is not allowed to play dates at your house. Your DD can come to our house but I don’t want any relationship to develop between my DD and you both”. Then I would leave it at that, not partake in gossip but ruthlessly maintain that boundary.

Good luck x

You're absolutely right. I actually imagine him standing there getting a kick out of watching the kids play. Such a sick depraved excuse for a human.

Parties are generally not in the home these days. I’ve never hosted nor been to a children’s party at anyone’s house.
Obviously you can dictate who comes in your home. But not in a public place like soft play/church hall etc where parties are most often held

Of course! But despite being told repeatedly, I still think children are still more likely to interact with someone they’ve already met in a setting such as a child’s party.

Just a quick Google suggests he wouldn't be allowed to be around children as a condition of being on the sex offenders register.
Personally, would not allow my child to be around someone on the sex offenders register and would potentially report to safeguarding lead at the school they attend or the police.

A very mean-spirited post. We don’t know the details. Maybe the mother is doing her best to deal with shitty situation and doesn’t want her 4 year old to be functionally fatherless for reasons they’re far too young to understand.

Opportunities to allow him to be reintegrated?

You’re having a fucking laugh.

These scumbag deviants should get no second chances, ever.

You are part of the problem

Yes to this.

He needs to feel the consequences of his choices, and his wife needs to feel the consequences of hers too.

Nobody owes this man a second chance, and it is mind boggling that this woman seems to believe everyone else should suspend their instinct to protect their children from someone quite monstrous in order to feed her denial or his.

She has put this man's feelings ahead of the interests of her own child, and it's a shame the child should suffer the consequences, but that's entirely her choice.

You absolutely can dictate who brings the child if they intend to stay. No way would that father enter my home - for any reason.

Therapy won't help. By adulthood they are notoriously resistant to rehabilitation.

I worked some time ago with NOTA. Their evidence to this observation speaks for itself.

Hear hear!! He’s a fkng paedo, not a convicted shoplifter FFS!!

Yep

No play dates at their house. No unsupervised time together at parties (you’ll still be attending parties for at least another 2 years). Then you can assess the situation and make a decision from there. To be fair, there are not many dads fighting for the opportunity to attend a birthday party. And certainly, this one, who knows that everyone no doubt knows, will be very reluctant to make an appearance.

It’s not just about this man and the risks he poses. It’s also about the risks posed by a mum who minimises abuse happening under her nose. If she did it before (and is still together with him, etc), she is likely to do it again especially if it confirms the comfortable narrative in her head.

I have 2 close female family members married to men who have been convicted of child sexual offences. Neither of them really see the harm in what their partners did. One of them in particular has re-offended with other children since they’ve been married (but not been charged). I know because she told me what he did. She thinks it’s very normal. As long as the children don’t know or he doesn’t actually touch them, there’s no harm in it. But she swears she can control it and he would never do that to my children specifically, so begs to let them come around.

It should be no surprise that we are since NC and neither of them have had any contact with my children since we found out. Partners are groomed too. They easily fall for the ruse because it helps it all make sense to them and allows them to stay in a more comfortable state of denial. Now mum may be fiercely protective and have cut all ties but having her hand forced for contact by the courts and SS. That’s different. If she’s not though, I wouldn’t want my children around someone who is a known supporter of a child abuser.

Of course, there are always the ones you don’t know about, yes, sure. But here’s one where you do, so I’d make decisions accordingly. That doesn’t mean the girls can’t be friends. My dd has friend who has a dysfunctional home life, alcoholic abusive dad who hits her and refuses her food. I will never allow dd to visit her home. But they can still meet up places and the friend can still come to ours.

We all know the manner of person who infiltrates this site, not least makes a beeline for threads exactly like these.

But a culture of enablement such as we are seeing here is how men have always got away with behaviour like this. Society is far more comfortable with the pretence that this sort of thing just doesn't happen; even when, as in this case, the man concerned is a convicted offender.

Your guess is as good as mine as to why.

Even if he is standing on the 'sidelines' I would have no difficulty in telling him where to go (to hell preferably).

The woman has to realise that forgiving her pedo husband is going to see their child missing out on party invites and play dates.

I would not invite the child, I wouldn't give the mother the time of day and the man would never be near my children.

Happy to help. Most people would feel comfortable talking to their kids about 'stranger danger' from around 3 or 4. This should be no different.

I personally think that the risk from known adults is greater. And we need to start conversations at the same age to help kids recognise odd adult behaviour and to make them feel able to trust their own instincts and know that parents/teachers will listen to them and help them.