Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

Of course! lol.

I’d let anyone convicted of any CSA-type crime swing by their neck in public.

We have kids' birthday parties all the time and eg when she hosts one, the father is likely to be there. I don't want my children near this man. I just don't. I think she's keen for him to be reintegrated into the (quite small) community

I wouldn't want him anywhere near mine, either.
It's not my job to "reintegrate him" by gaining access to my kids.
No chance. Not worth the risk.

No way, OP. Your reservations are valid. You’ve had lots of good advice on this thread and currently 93% saying YANBU. Ignore the idiots (paedophiles posing as women for all we know) and go with your gut.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for not wanting a convicted pedophile on your property. “Could you accompany X to the party as I am aware their dad is on the sex offenders register”.

Could you have a quiet word with the mum saying that she and her dd are welcome to spend time with your dd but not the dad? And ask her to ensure this happens? She must understand that other parents would be alarmed.

You're being ironic aren't you? You don't actually believe what you've written here

A formal complaint to what body?

Agreed.

A relative of mine through marriage was friends with a paedophile. Only he wasn't...according to the relative. He'd "interfered with children" but he was young at the time... and maybe drunk...and he'd been in prison...and he was a nice bloke...

I found myself in his company at another relative's house. To my horror he showed me a picture of his "daughters" - pupils of mine. (They were his partner's children.)

I reported him to Child Protection at my school and told my relative that they had a choice between my company or the paedophile's company. (The paedophile had been brought to the house by the relative through marriage.)

40 years later, the paedophile died in prison. In his 60s, he was convicted of historical offences - all of them had taken place after he'd been '"rehabilitated". Two of his victims just knew him as a "nice neighbour".

Would I allow the offender in the OP to drop off a child at my child's party? Would I hell. That's just normalising the offender as someone's dad.

If the child can't come to the party unless the offender drops them off, then that's a shame. It would be an even bigger shame if another child were hurt because the children at the party mistakenly thought that he was just another dad.

Integrate him into the community? Fuck that.

I've seen the damage that "being nice" does.

Outing for who?

Isn’t this thread incredibly outing op?

it’s common knowledge a parent in this community’s midst is a convicted criminal of sexual abuse….

Some men who are convicted of CSA do retreat into isolation but you'd be amazed at the absolute brass neck of some of them. I've dealt with one who made a formal complaint that he wasn't allowed to join the PTA at his childs school.

Re living with or spending time unsupervised with his own child, as I've said elsewhere on the thread unless there is evidence that he is a risk to his own child there would be no legal justification for preventing contact. Not all paedophiles are interested in abusing their own children, they may be the 'wrong' age/gender for example. Not saying I agree with it, just explaining that it does happen and Children's Services usually back out very quickly once they've established that there is no evidence that the persons own child is at risk of abuse.

This. I would have to actively raise it with the mother as respectfully as possible to explain that I don't want the man around children but equally don't wish to exclude their child. Discuss whether she feels able to attend the party solo to satisfy the matter. Given he's on a sex register, she'd be doing her child a dis-service to not acknowledge that other parents may feel disturbed with his presence.

An honest difficult conversation is called for, given it will be on-going.

To date, has this man been near the school at drop offs or collections ? Does he bring his kids to any after school activities ? Have you seen him in a group with other Dad’s ?

Having had to deal with my child being a victim it absolutely sickens me to know so many people would be happy to be in his company. It's disgusting.

I might be a sandwich short of picknic?
but won’t there be any “ conditions “ after sentencing? Something like he is only allowed to be with children under these circumstances etc? Even rules about seeing his own child? Plus entry on the sex offender register? As he therefore is not allowed to work with children it’s not really his place to play put the tail on the donkey on anyones birthday party under the age of 50? This is not a rehabilitation issue. Even lawmakers know that child sex offenders are likely to get again into trouble. Hence the register. He should not be anywhere where he can do harm. Potentially or actually. Or am I missing something?

Because good manners never hurt anyone. The OP has said this man remains close to this woman but she doesn’t know if they are together or not. She has not said if he does any school collections/drop offs. He may only have supervised access to his children. The child’s mum may have no intention of him being at her children’s parties or having him bring her children to other parties.

Obviously the OP doesn’t want this man anywhere near her children or her home but there may well be no plans for him to be anywhere near other children.

I’d personally send a gift to the child from mine, but be clear we aren’t attending. They will know why, but equally happy to spell it out if they have the balls to question it.
poor poor kid.

All these people making excuses for a pedophile and offering him a second chance, I wonder if you would be so sympathetic if it involved your child.

If your kid gets invited to his kids party then I would go with them
As for your kids party I would message the mum and state that the father is not allowed to attend. I would also check that the school knows he is on the SO register

I'm actually shocked by some of these responses - a sex offender would not be going anywhere near my son, and personally I would also limit interaction with a mother who has chosen a sex offender over the safety of her child. If necessary I would have a conversation with her and explain so she can limit the effect on her child, I suppose she could make it clear that the father won't come to a party etc - It's nuts to me that anyone would think a pedophile would be reintegrated around children.

I agree with this. I had a conversation with my dc when they were that sort of age, about who we trust and who we think of as someone trustworthy. I said how anyone can be friendly but that doesn’t mean all those people are good people. I talked about how adults say hello to people locally but may not know them well enough to know if they are good people or not. It was part of some chats about not going off with strangers , but also not going anywhere with someone who you know but who isn’t a trusted person , unless I had told them myself it was ok.
Small children think that everyone you say hello to, or see regularly, is a friend. They don’t understand the nuance of social politeness versus real trust. So it’s good to talk about that, to have trusted adults who they know could pick them up from school in an emergency, that type of thing. Just having regular contact with this man could mean that the children think of him as someone trustworthy, someone whose car they could get into, that sort of thing.
OP isn’t he likely to be at everyone’s party ? There is a man local to me who gave me such a band feeling from his behaviour around my dds and others, that I specifically told my dds that he wasn’t trustworthy, that they must never go anywhere with him, never go to look at the toys he kept in his van etc. to avoid him and not get close to him.

Unless there is evidence that he is a risk to his own child there would be no legal justification for preventing contact. Ive been involved with many cases where custody of/contact with their own children has been agreed by the authorities following a period of assessment. Not all paedophiles are interested in abusing their own children, they may be the 'wrong' age/gender for example. Not saying I agree with it, just explaining that it does happen.

Also think about the other parents
they could easily get very angry at you if they find out he has been at the party around their kids and you know what he had done

I would be more angry at you than him I think because you have allowed this to happen

Absolutely fuck that. I wouldn’t let me child anywhere near him and if that means avoiding parties etc. then so be it, supervised or otherwise. I wouldn’t want my child thinking he was someone to be trusted just by virtue of me being in the same company as him

Quite apart from anything else, I would be absolutely furious if I brought my child to your child's party and found that you'd allowed Paedophile Dad to attend.

It might help bolster your very sensible instincts to consider this and that it is not only your children you'd be exposing to risk.

I'd make it explicitly clear to the mother that he is not welcome and would honestly turn him away at the door if he did show up.

Frankly, I'd wonder about the mother as well if she's minimising or making excuses. If she's actually still in a relationship with him I'd very seriously consider just avoiding them both (whilst feeling very sorry for their poor child).