Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

You are naive in the extreme. The community should be shunning this man so that no children are EVER near him. Do you not understand how grooming works?!

Indeed

but the op mentions absolutely no one else in this small community feeling same way about this party

@springisspringing1 as someone whose husband turned out to be a paedophile, who raped small children, you are completely in the right not to want this man at your child's party. Anyone who tells you otherwise just doesn't understand Safeguarding.

It might be worth messaging the Mum before sending out invites to say that your DC loves seeing her child, and would be thrilled to see her and her child at their party but that, given the nature of dad's offences, it naturally wouldn't be appropriate for dad to attend. That way you aren't leaving her DC out, it's the mother's choice if she wants the child to attend the party or not. If she is offended by that, that's her problem.

With playdates, either meet up with Mum and child out and about, or always have the child at your house.

If you know he's a paedophile, he should not be near your child at any time for any reason, as paedophiles are slippery charming bastards and great at grooming children even in the briefest of moments. Also they tend not to get caught for everything they've done, so he's probably done worse than what he was convicted for

I wouldn't accept the mother either. If she is his enabler or in deep denial she is as dengerous as him. There are women out there who find children gor peados. Some have no problem sacrificing their own. There are plenty of stories from kids who spoke up but weren't believed by their mothers.

You won't be the only one who doesn't want him there so you'll be helping out plenty of other people if you don't let him come.

you got what I meant,

Also anyone who is refusing to have the child at their house or to go to parties etc…. isn’t punishing the child.
The child is being punished by their parents. Parents who think it’s ok to expose other children to a known sexual offender. That’s their choice to do so. The consequence is also their responsibility. Not other people who decide to not trust him.

No. Just tell the mom no and why. It is on her to provide a safe environment for her child and others she brings her child around. If she chooses to stay with him it will affect her child. Sad or not your child is your main concern, not hers. The whole problem with pedophiles is they build up familiarity and trust. It doesn't matter if your child is alone with them. Children are trusting and will be like oh it's so and so's dad so it must be okay. He was at the party and my mom is okay with him so it's fine. No amount of talking to your child will guarantee their safety. I cannot fathom the responses on here that think you are wrong for trying to keep your child away from a pedophile. It is truly unbelievable 🙄

That’s a whole lot of not OP’s problem. She owes the mother nothing.

Well, maybe his father shouldn't be fucking gross and get off on child abuse.

Also there is a reason why there is a sex offender register. That’s to ensure that people in the community know the person has committed a sexual crime. That’s because, unlike let’s say theft, people are not seen as ‘having served their sentence and are rehabilitated’ by the end of it. Theyre seen as potentially dangerous. That’s the whole point of the register. A warning.

So I’m at loss as to why the OP should ignore that warning.
Im not quite sure why ANYONE should ignore it when that same person wouldn’t be allowed to work with children because they are on said register tbh….

I know your saying poor woman. But honestly I can't think of anything other than how absolutely selfish she is. If she is unwilling to leave him is it fair her child is subjected to a lifetime of being bullied and ostracised because of his actions and her actions to be with a paedophile. It is disgusting and a stance should be taken against this why should he be accepted back in to society? I don't know why we should support these monsters. It isn't some minor offence. I feel like this is somehow starting to become normalised and poor kids like urs and his kid are stuck in an unfair situation but I wouldn't be going to parties unless I knew he wasn't there and I also would only accept the mum at the party and I would make it clear to her why. Although I doubt I could be friends with a woman like that.

You are dangerously wrong, both in the immediate instance and with a longer-term view in mind, as has been explained on this thread repeatedly.

Wise up.

And stop attempting to shame parents out of exercising their better judgement in protection of their children. It's part of the problem.

I seriously question the motives of anyone who does this.

What do you think grooming is? It starts as a friendly conversation. Perfectly ordinary. The adult presents themself to the child as a friendly, apparently safe person. The difference between this initial grooming and a normal child/adult conversation is only in the thoughts and intentions of the adult. But that can't be seen by an observer.

This can absolutely happen in a supervised public setting.

Now the child thinks the pedophile is a safe and friendly adult. In the future, with further opportunities for interaction/grooming, a relationship can develop of perceived trust/familiarity/friendship. In a number of months or years time abuse happens.

Simply the presence of the pedophile at a kids party presents him as being a normal safe adult, even if he doesn't speak to the OPs child on this occasion.

The pedophile needs to be kept away from the children.

The children need to be told in an age appropriate way (see my 1st post on this thread, it's on pg3) that he's not a safe adult.

A lot of these responses are baffling to me.

I wouldn't invite them to anything nor attend anything of theirs if invited.

I think it’s unfair for the child’s mother to be allowing the dad to be anywhere near the friend’s children. If that was my husband I would be very clear that I would do all the child-related activities and he needs to keep a low profile (not that I’d want me or my children anywhere near him ever again). If he’s on the sexual offenders register is he even allowed anywhere near a school or children?

OP certainly can dictate who comes into her house and interacts with her DC. She said parents come in and stay for parties. There is no way he should come over her doorstep while there are children in her house. Maybe OP can ask the child's mother to be the one to bring her child - she will understand why the request is made.

Contact your local police forces PPU/ MOSOVO team and say that you're aware mr x is on the sor, he is present when there are children's party's going on. Let them deal with it.
I guess you'd never know if, eg, the order has expired or maybe the order prevents contact with female children of a certain age.

Historical though this event was, thank you a million times for doing the right thing.

If only more people were this vigilant, as opposed to sticking their heads in the sand and deluding themselves either that it doesn't happen or that close supervision will 100% protect children.

It doesn't. The posters making these dangerously erroneous claims really need to read more about the typical modus operandi of these predators. They cannot be rehabilitated and they will not stop. They are clever, devious, good at playing the long game, capable of grooming parents as well as children, and hide in plain sight.

It depresses me beyond belief that these points have to be made on Mumsnet of all places.

Outside of school, my child would have nothing to do with the other child and his ignorant mother and sexual deviant father.

Whilst I feel for the child, it is but a drop in the ocean as to why much I wouldn’t want my child within this family’s vicinity

Sorry to be pedantic but there is no such thing as "child porn", it's images of child sexual abuse.

Wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment behind your post though!

@springisspringing1 I wouldn’t allow parties and playdates either.
I would allow them at my house IF the dad is nowhere near by. At 4yo, it’s still a bit early but very soon, no parent will stay anyway.

NO ONE but you (and their other parent, if in the picture) is going to put your children's safety and well-being first. That's your job. It doesn't matter if anyone here thinks you're being unreasonable or "hysterical" (nice misogynistic dogwhistle) or mean or not upholding some imaginary responsibility for you and your 4yo to help a criminal reintegrate into the community. Imagine you give in to people telling you to be kind, distrust your instincts, etc. and something does happen to your child. Will you really feel then that you did the right thing to spare the feelings of the dad, the mum, and the other 4yo at the expense of your own child's safety?

Someone on the sex offender registry will be fully prepared to be excluded from events with small children. Adult relatives of that person - certainly, a wife and co-parent - will be fully prepared for that as well. They should be proactively and intentionally excluding themselves, especially this soon after the reported offence. Don't involve the 4yos, who cannot and should not have to understand - but make it clear that this dad is not welcome in your house and that your child will not go to the friend's house while he is there.

Of course you don't know if any specific stranger is a danger to your child; anyone could be, and you should use caution accordingly. But you also know that THIS specific person IS a danger - logically you're going to take special precautions based on that information. That is an intentional PURPOSE of the registry - yes, it lets the police, the schools, etc. take special precautions but it also informs the entire community that there's a red flag here. That doesn't mean lower your guard in terms of the way you generally handle safeguarding for your children - but in this particular case, of course it's absolutely reasonable to RAISE your guard. Don't be shamed out of it.

He isn’t zero risk. A lot of those men reoffend…

But more to the point, no one is entitled to people trusting them ‘just because’. The OP could have decided to act the same way just because he has the wrong hair co,our, the vibe wasn’t right. Whatever. Trust is something you earn.

So no, it’s not a ‘judgemental vigilantes’, it’s just a ‘I don’t trust you’ full stop.

Of course YANBU, does he fuck need reintegrating into society, he needs a long walk off a short cliff.

Unfortunately for his kid they would be getting no invites from us, nor would we be accepting any of their invites and to be frank, the mother only has herself to blame, if she continues to entertain a pedo she can’t expect people to want to be around her family.