Child's friend parent on sexual offender register

Don’t ask me why. That is the law. It prioritises father’s rights over the safety of children. It absolutely happens, even if they’ve abused their own child. Maybe if more people are aware of it, change would happen

So much questionable parenting on this thread.

I would never let this man even up my drive way, nor would I let my child in his/child's mums house. However, I'd let mum know that the child is welcome to my child's birthday party, however X isn't so please ensure he's not the one bringing her. She won't be surprised, it was publicised.

Everyone saying about him being no more risk/you don't know which other males are a risk, I'm actually a bit sickened. Other people may be a risk, but that doesn't mean you let a known pedophile in your house 🤨

OP, I realise you are trying to steer a middle course, be fair, be kind to your child and his friend, etc. etc., but please remember the comments regarding him becoming ‘normalised’ as a ‘Safe Dad’. Mitigating risk by trying to be present at contacts is all well and good but, as others have said, if he is flagged as Safe Dad now, what happens in the future when your child or a younger sibling meets Safe Dad and suddenly it turns out he isn’t Safe ?

I was sexually abused by the father of my brother’s best friend when I was 12. It happened when his wife, my father, my brother and his mate were all in the house but in other rooms. This was over 50 years ago and I was very naïve. In hindsight, I think if I’d told my father he would have gone down the ‘don’t be stupid, don’t tell lies’ etc. route, after all, the perpetrator was a good bloke….he was the father of my brother’s best friend wasn’t he ? A Safe Dad.

I’ve told very few people about this but it has affected me through my life. I thought I’d buried it but when my brother mentioned, in passing, a couple of years ago, did I remember X as he’d just died ? I was poleaxed. My brother just kept rambling on as is his wont but I finished the call as soon as possible and spent the next 2 hours sobbing. I’m mid-late 60s and it still has the power to affect me to my core.

Please heed the warnings about normalising this man as a Safe Dad. He might be now but I’m afraid the balance of probabilities suggest Sexual Offenders do not reform.

If I was in your position I would ask the Police if I am entitled to more information; attending in person at the Police Station to ask might give you a better feeling of what is possible and gets rid of the emailing to and fro numerous times.

Are you friendly enough with another parent to be confident they would be honest with you about how they feel ? It may be there are a lot of you not wanting to be seen to be ‘unkind’ but are worried.

I think I would veer on the side of seeming a bit odd rather than expose my child to a known sex offender. Oh, and as others have said, his wife has her own problems to steer through but I’m afraid I wouldn’t be 100% sure I would trust her not to have her husband around the children.

Final thought. Looking at photos online is what is often referred to as an ‘entry’ offence but he has also been convicted of what might be considered as a ‘next stage’ offence of grooming. There are three ways an offender can go. Back to non-offending, staying at the same level and escalating. I don’t know which way this man might go but neither do any other posters on here.

Once a paedophile always a paedophile! He would certainly not be coming anywhere near my children. What type of mother can forgive a partner that enjoyed child pornograpy. It's sickening! Imagine having a paedophile for a father. The sins of the father are being visited on his son because of the mother.

Quite a few people on this thread are reassuring OP that it's safe because this man will be "monitored", but they have no concept of what that monitoring looks like in reality. He won't be under constant surveillance, no one is following this man around watching his every move. It is also not the case that if he so much as speaks to a child he will be whisked away to prison as has been claimed on this thread.

Things like having to keep in touch with a probation officer, attend scheduled appointments with the Police PPU and notify them of his place of residence/any change in personal details and possibly (but not necessarily) having his Internet use monitored are all important and necessary to reduce the risk of re-offending, but they certainly don't guarantee that children are safe around him. Personally, one of these things would be sufficiently reassuring to make me consider letting this man have contact with my children if I could help it.

This.

Maybe she is mentally unwell with no insight. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe she has a brain injury and he’s taking advantage of her. Maybe she’s been indoctrinated.

Or, maybe she’s just a selfish cow who’s afraid of being single with baggage and so excused what he’s done because “he’s been to therapy”, “he’s done his time” or “he didn’t actually touch anyone, he just looked”.

Her child wouldn't even come on my radar. I couldn't care less how they felt.

She has proven she is dangerous.
And I wouldn't let anyone dangerous near my child.

So no, their child can't come to my child's party and my child won't be going to theirs.

I'd be more than happy to explain why.

While I’m not a social worker, I have worked in Children’s Services and Education for over twenty years. Safeguarding is everyone‘s responsibility.

Firstly, I would be seriously concerned that the mother is acting against social services - why would the husband be allowed to remain in the home with his children or have contact with them without supervision? Let alone have contact with children out in the community!! I would be reporting to social services, in case their child needs protecting against both their father’s actions and their mother’s inability to keep them safe due to her prioritising her relationship over them. She may be hiding their relationship from them.

Secondly, no known sex offender would ever knowingly coming into contact with my child regardless of the consequences to anyone else. You do not have to sacrifice your own child’s safety on the altar of “being kind”. Your job is to protect your own children from harm first and foremost.

Nobody should be normalising or minimalising paedophilia.

Why would the `DD be allowed to be in his sole custody if he’s on the sex offenders register ? The lengths some will go to excuse a parent not prioritising their child and kicking a paedophile out of their lives is breathtaking.

I haven't RTFT so might have been discussed already.. but if that poor 4 year old child is excluded at all then first and foremost his awful father is to blame, but also the mother has brought this on to her own child by seemingly forgiving her partner and wanting to reintegrate him? How any woman can do that is beyond me.

You are entitled to feel however you want to feel about the safety of your own children, and only you know what that looks like. Your own children are your priority. So at the end of the day you can't let her child's feelings dictate what you're comfortable with. I really feel for the poor innocent child in all of this.
Personally, I wouldn't want this man even in the same room as my children. Knowing he's even looking at my children would turn my stomach tbh.

I know of a situation in my town where a man was convicted of something similar. His family were terrified as there are lots of little kids in the family. And while no evidence was found of a child being directly harmed, he had files and files of photographs of them just innocently playing, even that did something for him. So thats my reasoning for not even wanting a man like that in the same room as my children.

If you were ballsy enough you could always have a word with the mother and set your boundaries, say you want to include her child in your child's parties but you don't want his father present whatsoever. If that is what you want. She either likes it or lumps it, hopefully she puts her child first (for a change). If enough parents felt that way and said it I'm sure she'd get the message.

I'd feel sorry for the child, but in no way would I want my own family mingling with a SO and pretending it's all normal and he's perfectly safe. The other mother is fooling herself if she thinks they can all be happy together again with no repercussions. Imo, she's not doing her child any favours by staying with a convicted SO. She can't expect others to trust that man with their children. It makes me question her judgement, as well.

Social services don't have the power to lock people up and throw away the key forevermore. Neither do the Police for that matter. Social services will have completed an assessment but unless they have evidence that he is a risk to his own children they do not have legal powers for preventing contact. As for other children, even with a SHPO (Sexual Harm Prevention Order) or Risk Order in place, children are everywhere in society so it's not realistic to prevent someone from ever being "near children", unless they're in prison.

Just be very careful with the woman too. I wouldn't be trusting her judgement as she is enabling this man.

why has he got any access to his own kids that’s what I would like to know. Don’t take any chances OP. Not a single chance. he deserves to be completed alienated. Just make sure you have your facts right. Poor child of his. Very sad.

Why is anyone calling for the OP (or anyone in a similar situation) to put their own personal thoughts on a literal paedophile to one side and just be vigilant as they are with anyone else?

Why is anyone expected to make allowances and tolerate this subhuman piece of shit, or ones like him?

Ostracise, shame, exclude. Don’t accommodate ffs. If that has a negative impact on the child, then maybe the dad should’ve reconsidered his deplorable actions. Or maybe the mum should’ve done what any decent person would and leave him.

I think I would also approach the mother and say that the child is welcome with her but not the father.

I wouldn't want him to be seen as a 'safe' adult by my child.

I think you can start low key conversations now. I saw mentioned on here some weeks ago about the PANTS talk. I've been trying to get started discussing this with my 5 year old now he goes to playdates although I have to say it's been like talking to a sugar fuelled baboon so far.

Oh grow up and stop being contrary just for the sake of it. You know as well as I do that’s not what I said.

All those saying "surely he isn't allowed anywhere near children"? Please read the full thread, this has been asked and answered many times. It's not that simple.

Thats a fair point - is it not conditional he can't be around kids?

What an uncomfortable situation, and yes, the poor child. Sad.

I'd go along and see what the situation is but obviously never leave your child unattended.

There’s no likelihood of him abusing OP’s child or anyone else’s…you can guarantee this can you?

After all the people on here explaining how peadophiles can manipulate situations to their own advantage?

Be sure to have the PANTS chat with your kids and role play shouting NO & STOP if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable. We also talk about safe grown ups/people who make us feel safe, my daughter is 5 and its depressing to do but it’s important we start this type of protection going IMO.

It’s a horrible thing to have found out OP and your mind has probably gone into overdrive. Every bit of your being is geared to protect your child.
It might help to speak to someone neutral, the NSPCC would probably be a good place to start.

I would still invite the child (as he’s innocent in all of this) but would make it clear to the mum that the dad is not welcome to bring him. I don’t think she will ask you why if everyone already knows what he has done.