Is my friend outrageously entitled in her expectations?

My late DH was disabled - we have to provide a huge amount of medical evidence to get an accessible 2 bed HA home.

She’s in for a shock 😂

Whats's she doing?

I'd back off from her and be leery. It sounds like she's always been something of a grifter, to be honest. I have a couple of old friends who sound like her and what they really did, for the most part, was live off men.

But that has a way of ending with age. So then, older, with no job skills or savings and health problems increasing, they'd look around for someone else to supplement their existence.

It sounds like she's laying the ground work to rope you into lying for her so she can get housing that's more than her fair share. And she's told you straight up that she tries for the most she can get, something for nothing. Yes, I see why you're having second thoughts about her!

She might do a little something for you here and there but she needs far more help from others than you do, so I wouldn't feel indebted based on that, though she'd probably like you to. My experience with people like her, or people who sound a lot like her anyway, is that they're very skilled in getting a free ride. In other words, manipulative.

I'd expect her trying to lean on sympathetic people to steadily increase, from here on out.

Here in the US, we don't have the same safety net that you all do. I've had a couple of friends who sound like her start making me uncomfortable when we all got older. After giving in on a couple of things, I decided to back off at their renewed attempts at getting closer, after years without much contact.

I figure it costs me at least $1,000 USD (750 pounds) per month to have someone stay at my house, aside from the intrusion on my family life, privacy, routines, etc. There are basics like groceries. And any problem they have, becomes my problem. Medical/dental requirements, transportation, etc. Also, my husband and I have achieved a level now where we can go out to dinner a couple of times a week etc. and it seemed rude to leave a houseguest at home, so.

I feel for them, to some extent. You can't always make up for many years of throwing caution to the wind.

Anyway, the short version is that I'd be careful with her. Good luck.

Does she know you can do yoga and meditate in any room?

Same

It grates when people like this get handed everything for nothing because they 'want' it, even trying to leap frog people who actually need it. That's our taxpayer money and support she feels entitled to!

Bet the ruthless freeloader describes herself as spiritual.

It sounds like she has no interest in the system. But she’s done charity work and helps her friends out when they need it. She doesn’t sound like a real CF to me. It doesn’t sound like she’s actually asked OP to say she’s disabled, she just naively assumes it’s all about asking for what you want.

She does sound politically unaware and naive as to how social housing is a massive mess these days. or how much hatred there is towards benefit claimants in the current times.

Oh come on, surely this is another "Look at the people who get what they want just because they claim to be disabled" thread

As a disabled person in an adapted property I can tell you now that they are gold dust. The ones she is looking at have probably been built to cut down a large waiting list - she is a CF with no chance

I don't think anyone is being entitled to want what you've described, which is really reasonable in a wealthy country - a two room bungalow with a garden near a town.

But yeah it's totally unreasonable to try and scam someone disabled out of an adapted property if she's not disabled.

There are lots of nice 55+ places though that don't have horrible neighbours, maybe she should just broaden her search beyond bungalows.

I'm not sure I really understand the problem.

She's welcome to ask, but she's not going to get, is she?! No one is going to give an able-bodied 50-something a 2 bed bungalow with a lovely garden because she wants one, she's chancing her arm.

But all the other stuff is irrelevant really - if she lived in her car mostly and (by your own examples) has been a good friend, even if she lives in a way you don't quite understand and are envious of, that's neither here nor there. It doesn't sound like she was taking the piss?

If she wanted all of that, which sounds lovely, then she should have worked and saved the money to be able to afford it.

I’m only in touch with one still and he’s mid-50s and still single and living in poverty. He actually wants to become a father(!) now but has literally nothing to offer a younger woman so it’s looking unlikely.

Don't promise anything. Just tell the truth when the time comes. The rest isn't up to you. I'd be writing one-line or one-word replies to any questions asked.

These type of men are usually charmers and generally good looking

They will find some stupid woman to put them up and look after them

Is she already registered on the HA list? You don't just ask firmly and get. You have to apply to go on the waiting list. You have to provide a forrest of proof. You have to bid for properties every week and more than likely there will always be people with a higher priority, especially as she's adequately housed
You also can't pretend to be disabled. Again you need loads of proof.
I'm not sure what support you could give her but I wouldn't help her anyway. She doesn't sound a great person.

You know the annoying thing, she’ll probably end up getting somewhere half decent, as people like her normally do!

It's some years since I worked for a Housing Association but things are even tougher now. Nobody gets a second bedroom for yoga or meditation! I can't see why she would need any sort of reference from you, a HA will want medical evidence or previous landlord or proof of overcrowding etc. Your friend seems to be the sort of person who often lands on her feet - you do say when she has asked you for help she hasn't taken advantage. Hopefully she can manage her expectations or she's likely to be disappointed.

She can ask. But I doubt she will get.
Do not get drawn into anything untruthful - the system will weed out lies.

And from the other side, I am assisting my father with moving into a small HA place at the moment. He has had to go through all sorts of assessments to qualify, evidence required, and be patient for many years for a 1 bed flat to come up, albeit 50 miles from where he currently lives and in an unpopular town.
I cannot see that someone asking for a second bedroom, in a disabled property, a bungalow, in a town of choice, south facing garden etc is going to get that without a 20 year waiting list...I bet they offer a one bed flat on an unpopular housing estate with some colourful neighbours. A life of not considering and saving for the future may be about to bite...

Well, she’s right - if you don’t ask you won’t get. But I very much doubt she’ll get what she wants in this case. I wouldn’t support her in her application, I’d just nod and smile, if you want to stay friends.

Yes, I agree. You aren't qualified, I assume, to give any medical statements (even if you are a doctor, you're not her doctor). So if she asks you to make a statement that's true, you can do it in good conscience, and if untrue, you just refuse.

I know people like this- both interpretations described in the thread! If she is more on the manipulative side, as pp said she will need to work harder to get the property she wants and I hope she doesn’t succeed.

If she’s more about karma then I think she’s in cloud cuckoo land in her hopes! She may be the sort of person who thinks that you get back what you put in- certainly it sounds as if she’s been a decent friend to the OP, helping out when needed and repaying loans in good time. I’ve no real problem with someone like that, if she was a teacher before she may have a tiny pension and will have paid into the system earlier in life, and probably not taken much out.

Oh another one. I know two women like that. One works intermittently because she falls out with everyone but she can always con money to go on expensive holidays and yet doesn't have a stable roof over her head. She expects to be bailed out constantly and gets very angry when it doesn't happen.

Another one has a stable job and goes on expensive holidays and was trying to groom several of us into her being our lodger because she doesn't want the expense of a mortgage. So we work and go without to buy a stable home and she expects to benefit from that. It's a bizarre way of thinking.

We all want a gorgeous home by the sea and an easy lifestyle. She won't get one of these bungalows and I wouldn't support her to get one.

@MariadeiMiracoli

Well, as my dear late MiL used to say: "Want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first".

I guess I'd be willing to give such a friend a truthful reference, but I certainly wouldn't lie or stretch the truth. To do so would implicate me in her fraud. So whereas I might say "She visits me in X area 2 to 3 times a month/year", I wouldn't say "She has a strong connection to the local community". I'd say "I am aware of a MH crisis during the Covid epidemic" but I wouldn't say "She has ongoing Mental Health issues".

Anyone who asks you to lie for them is not your friend. Especially when it comes to lying to get government assistance.