To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

As their mum already tells them that she pays for everything, she now has no leverage when you stop paying for stuff. She can't badmouth you by telling the kids that you have stopped paying, as according to her, you aren't paying anything.

I can't believe that she sends you invoices to pay. I wouldn't pay anything extra over and above the higher than necessary child maintenance payments.

They should be grateful if OP is personally covering these extra costs. For the mum to be emailing the invoices directly to the SM and still be slagging her off is a damn cheek.

They probably should be grateful to her as OP isn't either of their parents and is paying for lots of stuff.

I notice that you don't have a word of censure or criticism for the children's mum.

Even though they are only repeating what their mum has said, a seven and nine year old should know that they shouldn't say such rude and unkind things to OP. Her DH should also have a word with them about this.

Put brutally OP, this simply isn't your problem. If you provide them with a loving home and essentials then that is enough. Their parents, between them, need to stump up for the rest. If she believes she is financially superior, let her fork out for the extra stuff.

It’s either I pay for extras or her household does. As SC get older their expenses are going up and currently she just emails costs to me with the expectation that I’ll pay. I’m not prepared to whilst she’s constantly bad-mouthing me.

I certainly wouldn't be paying her. If the toxic woman's already telling the kids she pays for everything let her get on with it.

She emails you the bills?

yeah fuck that. Start ignoring them. What’s she going to do, she can’t force you to pay.

Not always.

unbeknownst to us Dh’s ex was also lying to his kids, telling them we had the affair and split their family up. Absolutely untrue, when we met she already had OM living with her.

also had the narrative that dh didn’t pay for anything and was all about the money. We were stinking rich apparently and refused to pay (their household income was way above ours, plus 1/4 of the mortgage) . He did, and he’d also signed over their London house to her as there was no way she could afford to buy him out.

stepdc are adults now and have gone no contact. They absolutely believe their mums lies and won’t even give dh a chance.

having said that o/p, still not a lot you can do other than wait it out and hope the dc do see sense. Dh’s ex was always very possessive and would stop them seeing us if she felt we were getting on too well.

What does your DH say about it? Think he needs to solve this problem and be the one communicating with her about costs and parenting SC not to be so mean. I don't think the kids will be massively going without if you reduced what you pay - thousands a year on tuition is loads that you are already paying. I think trying the letter idea and going for more custody are good ideas

Where is your partner is all of this? He needs to step up and parent his children. Make it clear to them that being disrespectful to you is not going to be tolerated. Kids know what they can and can't get away with.

And Absolutely stop paying. Frankly ypu shouldn't have been paying in the first place.

@Kitchi I'd be tempted to place stupid and drop her a message along the lines "the kids let me know you are now paying for all their hobbies/uniforms etc. that's great news, it will be a real help for us with baby on the way, we'll adjust the next payment accordingly. Very considerate of you 😊"

It’s not OP’s job to make up for their shitty mum.

We pay over what he’s obliged to pay and there’s no plan to stop that.

I would stop paying over. She can get a job, same as you.

DH needs to pay you more to contribute to mortgage and bills.

Anyone else feel sorry for these poor kids?
Parents split up when they were young and now can’t get on and now they are stuck in the middle.
Poor little mites, whatever things you have, or holidays you go on, it won’t make up for this shit.

YANBU, pay the required CMS and the bits you want to and stop the rest.

She can have one less holiday a year or get a job. Don’t subside the mean twat.

You'll always get a hard time on here, even as the victim you'll be the villain purely because you're a step mum.

I don't think yabu at all. The only other thing you could do is buy the uniform and give it to your step children to take back to their mum's house, that way they will understand that you've bought it.

I don't think it's inappropriate for you to say 'we share paying for things, like we paid for (school trip) and didn't you have a lovely time? Come on, let's go get a biscuit'
You aren't saying mums lying, you are telling the truth in a child friendly way. Has your DP ever addressed this with her or is he keen not to rock the boat?

They are children, I think you need to either end discussions about what their mum has said about you or don’t take it personally. I can imagine how awful it is if you let it get to you, but the children are really in the middle here and shouldn’t be. Their father needs to step in and have a word to her if she’s saying those things to the kids. But retaliating by not buying them things only punishes the kids and will no doubt fuel the fire

My ex did this many years ago, we were still going through a divorce. My solicitor actually wrote a very stern letter explaining this had to stop. It did actually work. Maybe outline what extras you pay for and continued bad mouthing will result in the cms being paid and nothing else. Hopefully would not have to follow through. Maybe apply for shared custody so you have them more. Hope all works out for you.

but they have far more spare cash for holidays and days out than we do (we have a mortgage and nursery to pay for, they don’t, she doesn’t work)

I genuinely don’t understand why people think it’s reasonable to have this view? It doesn’t matter what they earn, how many holidays they go on, how much money they have, none of that takes away from your DH’s responsibility to his children.