To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

And if the SC are fond of OP, how do you think their mother constantly bad mouthing them is going to affect their mental health ? Or indeed the effect on them as adults when they inevitably discover that their mum has been lying to them all this time. The ex is actively trying to alienate the children from their DH and his partner. That’s not on and there’s no reason for OP to facilitate it. And if you read OP’s updates, it’s a lot more than a few hundred quid.

Why should he be paying for all their activities? What does their mother pay for their activities? She seems to have got away lightly, one man to support her lifestyle without her having to work and another paying for all of their children's expenses. She's laughing, especially if the OP is being told to take the moral high ground to not upset the children, she doesn't care about the children if she is lying to them about what their father is paying.

why do you think the OP wouldnt notice a few extra hundred quid?

and people should have to absorb abuse from another person, maybe the mum should be looking at herself and wondering how she can improve her kids lives

and all kinds of rude stuff which is being parroted back (petty things like my hair is ugly or our car is rubbish or I’m too old to have a baby or we’re poor because we shop at Aldi).

Are you sure it’s mum saying this and not just the kids saying it because they’re jealous you’re pregnant?

They’re very childish things for an adult to say and if it’s been since you got pregnant then it could easily be directly from the kids.

DH needs to speak to them about kindness.
Even if they think these things or heard them then they know that they are not kind to say to you.
He needs to tell them about everything that you do do for them.

How has he been handling it so far?

This is for you to sort out with your husband. You don’t need to tell mum you aren’t paying for stuff, you need to tell him you aren’t paying for stuff. It’s up to him to decide what to do with that information.

And, stop getting receipts out to prove to his kids their mum is lying. Providing to a young child their mum is lying is a crappy thing to do. This has nothing to do with them, it’s between the adults. If they repeat stuff she says, just keep reinforcing that it’s rude and you don’t want to hear it, or remind them the grown ups work things out amongst themselves and they don’t need to worry about it.

Then blame the mother. The reason for splitting and the bad mouthing is all on her.

Don’t think that’s fair or accurate. I have pretty much been on all sides and still maintain: if it negatively affects the kids, grow up and absorb it for their sake. The mental health impact on children can be huge and hidden until later on. It’s really not worth for a few hundred quid the OP won’t notice. Also these types of issues raised by the step mum are annoying as it’s really the partner’s issue to handle.

presumably if she moved away as in the o/p it won’t be possible for them to stay with their dad on a school night due to distance.

Well I would certainly be grateful if you were the stepmum of my children. In fact, I would be delighted that my children had another adult in their life who clearly cared about them and was committed to them.

I honestly wouldn’t pay anything beyond child maintenance from now on. You have a child of your own. These children have a mum of their own. She can pay for trips and tuition etc for her children, just like you will for your child.

The people on the thread who are criticising you and thinking of the poor children and telling you that you should pay for everything would also be the first to scream that you are nothing to these children and should know your place if you expected a Mother’s Day card, or to go to parents evening or any of the myriad of other things that stepmums get shouted at for. Don’t live your life being the whipping boy to some irrelevant and hostile woman.

And it doesn’t always get better. The kids don’t always grow up and see everything in a different light. In fact, more often this is not the case. They are in a loyalty bind which is perpetuated by their mum.

Yes I would stop paying for extras as I personally wouldn't let anyone take the piss out of me and thats what she's doing.
Pay the CMS + tuition and that's her lot.

Then possibly let their mum know that it’s you who is currently funding these extras, and that if any more vitriol comes back through the children they will stop and you will leave it to her to explain why. Given that ex has told the children that she pays for everything what can she possibly say ?

Blame the mother then as she split the family and shes the one bad mouthing

If it's your money paying all those extras then I 'd stop paying them, it is mainly your DH's responsibility to pay. If he doesn't have enough income for that, then he should decrease the extras.

I'm not saying it to just take revenge on SC but you need that money for your own kid.

I'm very conscious on what I spend since I had my baby.

However, I think he should have the kids more than 2 nights a week.

Now this would mean she’d asked the kids why they said that and hopefully it’ll all unravel to them

Honestly, I'd limit what you fund to whatever you won't feel resentful about. But I would have done this however the mother behaved. You shouldn't be funding the lifestyle for someone else's kids unless you really want to. Just stop. Let the two parents fund whatever the children need and what they want them to have. Tell them you've run out of money.

I don't blame you, DH can pay for the extras if he wants.

Which he’s not only more than meeting, but OP is shouldering some of the cost too. To be insulted daily via the children you’re helping to support must be very hard to swallow, but rather than putting the kids in the middle, I think I’d be encouraging their dad to look at what action he can take via the courts to stop the parental alienation from the ex. To that end I’d also be making notes of what is said and when.

I really don’t think that the kids should be put in the middle of all of this, and definitely shouldn’t lose the things OP pays for but, I’d be tempted to communicate to the ex that if any more lies come back through the children, not only will action be taken through the courts for parental alienation but that OP will be rethinking the extras that she pays for and leaving it to ex to explain to the children why they can no longer do them - a very difficult conversation in view of the fact that she’s told them she pays for it all.

Dear Mum
Kids say you're going to pay for all uniforms, school trips clothes etc going forward. Thank you so much, this is a burden on our household, as you know we are not financially well off, I even have to shop in Aldi. Really appreciate only having to pay the CMS and tuition.
Lots of love
OP

Why are you paying this?

Your DH needs to pull them up on rudeness, but I think otherwise, it's a long game and you need to chip away gently. The realisation that your mum is lying to repeatedly and maliciously you is a very, very painful one, particularly for a dependent child – they will probably instinctively try very, very hard to avoid coming to that conclusion.

With finances, whenever you can, buy things with them, or give them the things in person – uniform, shoes, stuff for hobbies. No fuss, just 'mum mentioned you need new trainers, let's go and get some.' How is school stuff paid for? If it's an online account, does DH have one/is he on the children's and could you pay for it directly that way? Again, keep it light, 'oh, I need to pay for your school trip, I'll just do that now'. If they're curious, they can watch you doing it. If they aren't, remember it's a long game.

I'd gently challenge some of the other stuff, almost in the same way you might if they were parroting what a school friend said. Why is our car rubbish? It has space for all of us and gets us where we need to be. Yes, Aldi is cheaper than some other supermarkets, but we're happy with the food we get there, and that means there's more money for other things. Different families make different choices with their money. And so on.

Agree that you shouldn't subsidise her life. It is generous of you to pay for their hobbies, it us not your responsibility.

Don't rise to any of her snipes especially when they get more when you don't pay. Just grey rock her and when the SC repeat any of her rubbish, just agree.....then the wind will be taken out of her sails!