To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

I don’t think YWBU. You’re keeping up with the optional extras, and I’d be heaping on the “well seeing as I pay for them, I expect to come to the recitals [whatever]”. The rest sounds like stuff they need: uniforms, school shoes etc. You messed up in that you’ve gone on to have a child with a man who can’t afford three kids, but your priority is to YOUR child. The SC have two parents neither of whom is pulling their weight. Of all the people who could contribute, why is it you? It should be their parents, just like you owe it to your child. And why isn’t the SC’s step-dad paying for any of this?

You’ve been taken for a mug, mostly by your DH but he’s probably nice to you and he’s the father of your child and you probably have a blind spot where he’s concerned because you want him in your life. But definitely by the ex-wife. Just stop paying for the extras. Not your financial burden to bear.

Nasty comment.

Next time I got an email I’d reply, ‘The kids told me that you are paying for everything now, so I’ll leave you to deal with this. Well done for stepping up - they don’t believe me when I tell them I pay for it anyway 😂’

YOU shouldn’t be paying - they aren’t your children. But I do get that you’re a family and that’s how things work in marriage.

With paying maintenance plus all clubs , trips and uniform , you’re paying too much. I’m all for saying men should pay for their children but so should the Mum too. What is she paying for , aside from when they are with her ?

However, you may now have set a certain standard of living for the children and withdrawing it all would affect them? However - I wouldn’t think you were cruel to stop. As long as maintenance still being paid and I would think a contribution to extra costs ( she does have the children the majority of the time so help ( help , not all ) with uniforms, trips etc you - sorry , your DH - should still provide ) .

Or - if you still carry on , then I would give the uniform to the children when they come and say “ here you go we have got you uniform” I would also be petty and have them present to comments such as “oh I need to go to the bank to get the money out for your club” , “ Oh no I can’t get the app working to pay for your school trip I’ll have to call the school “ ….

Communication about the children and costs should be between the two parents. Step parents can be cc’d but the discussion should primarily be between the parents. your DH is transferring his parental responsibility to you.

The kids’ mum is treating her kids to activities then mailing you the billl? Stop that. Your DH should set out the CMS maintenance plus whatever he is willing to pay on top for music, sports, clothes etc and then say that anything else needs to be funded by her or discussed before the kids are told yes.

Kids badmouthing you in your own home? He needs to step in and put a stop to that. Clearly outline what will and will not be tolerated with the consequences.

it sounds like your DH is not actively parenting his kids. You have a DH problem as much as you have a problem with your step kids’ mum.

Think it's more a case of re-evaluating finances rather than getting back at the mother and her nasty attitude.
Definitely some good suggestions here ie solicitors letter about her behaviour. Possibly apply to have them more of the time to try and dilute her negative influence.
Do you need to involve SS, as her behaviour could be considered emotionally abusive......
Possibly consider some counselling for the children to cope with the impact of their mother's behaviour...

No, that is just completely unacceptable. Why is your DH not sticking up for you more?

Some posters here think taking the moral high ground means having to force yourself to become immune to unreasonable levels of abuse and boundary violations in order to reap the long-term 'reward' of your step children not hating you when they reach adulthood.

It's okay to put your own peace and emotional and psychological wellbeing first. Your job is not to rescue these children from their parents. It's their bad luck of birth and their parents' poor choice of each other that they are stuck with a mother who wants to use them as pawns to hurt you, and a father who is passive enough to let her.

And all the time, you are obliged to fork out for the privilege of being undermined and slandered in your own home.

Fuck that.

Are you really advising that OPs husband stops work so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance ?

Admittedly , it sounds like he’s paying too much but to go to 0 is unfair . The children will ultimately suffer

The OP isn't questioning that

It's the 'extras' that she's paying for that the former wife is lying about

I’m happy to pay for SC when they’re in my home and for opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise get - one is now a talented violinist (I play too) and the other is very devoted to football, and neither would had these interests supported by anyone else.

Your husband should feel shame that he doesn't contribute to or provide these opportunities for his children. It's great that you are able to do so and willing to do it but perhaps that is what is causing the ire. You're upfront and personal and the ex wife does not like that. She's using the children to get to your husband - and at you. You don't deserve that.

I would dial right back as you've said. Your husband should also speak to his children's mum and tell her to back right off. Let him have all the unpleasant exchanges, this isn't your fight.

I think her and your Dh need to sit down and have a discussion about costs. It sounds like both of them are living beyond their means and expecting their partners to pay for their kids. There needs to be a budget that they can afford and they need to stick to it.

Yes, whilst I can see both sides of the arguments here, since "she pays for everything" already then you aren't denying the children anything. It isn't your responsibility anyway. I feel sorry for the children, but she is the one playing games here, and you have your own bills and responsibilities - which will soon be increasing anyway. Your OH pays his CMS, and anything on top of that should be things that you give them, and the children see you pay for them. You don't need to make a mountain out of it - simply what you choose to provide over what must be provided, you and their dad personally hand over.

Your step kids have two parents, their costs should be met by them. Your kids have two parents, you’re taking money and opportunities from them to invest in your husband’s kids with someone else. That’s completely mad. It would be even if their mum was a decent person who was grateful for your support. She’s not, she’s a nasty cow, so you have literally nothing to gain from continuing as you are and plenty to gain from stopping.

We had these problems when my DSC were a similar age. DH was paying maintenance, spousal and all childcare costs and she lied through her teeth. He repeatedly, calmly, challenged untrue things they said and in time it stopped.

Courage! I wouldn’t pay a penny above the court-ordered level plus what’s reasonable during their time with your family. It’s a lesson to the kids as well - if you insult people (whether or not you repeat something that you overhear), don’t expect them to pay for your music lessons, even if you’re the new Paganini. And don’t expect warm attitude. You reap what you sow. I sense that on your and DH’s side there are some difficult feelings relating to this divorce, but I strongly believe that we’re doing kids a disservice if we’re condoning insults.

The ex can’t afford four holidays, can she? She’s not paying for them.

@Daisyvodka I agree with you , otherwise I would tell the mother unless she stops lying that you will stop the extras and let him take them on a couple of nice trips a year with that money -

Yeah it's a great idea to reduce support for them just when you're having a new baby. They definitely won't feel pushed out or replaced or anything.

I think firstly tackle the behaviour in your home. No way would I put up with any child talking to me like that. That would have to stop. Secondly, don’t pay for anything that’s leaving you out of pocket when she can afford four foreign holidays a year (four???) - no fuck that. Lastly I’d have the discussion now about what your strategy is when the baby arrives, as all this will ramp up and you’ll be in the least frame of mind physically and mentally to deal with their shit. Have a joint plan and stick to it. Good luck!

Perfect I think this is a great plan!!

I don't think I would stop paying the extras right now because, as you've said, that's likely to get fed back to the kids as "you can't do your activities any more because evil step mum won't let you" or whatever.

But I do think you need to make a very clear budget for the future of how much you are willing to pay per child per month/year on extras. So that when the DSC are old enough to take part in those conversations, you can talk about "if you want to do this, it costs £x much, how can we manage that?"

As you said, hobbies etc get more expensive as children get older - right now you are paying for school trips and violin lessons. Will that still be manageable if it becomes a school trip to America/ski trip and an expensive violin plus Orchestra tour?

OP I would stop paying beyond the CMS required payments. It doesn’t sound like she is hard up and she’s being awful telling the kids you don’t pay. You can use your saved money to do nice things with them or buy them stuff when they are with you, that way they know what you are spending on.

“A few hundred quid the op won’t notice”

really? Would you notice a few hundred quid leaving your account every month that you aren’t obliged to pay?

what if it means o/p’s kids can’t do hobbies because she can’t afford it down the line?

over 18 years it will mount up to a lot of money.

from the sounds of it the kids mum is in the same financial boat so she “won’t notice” if it stops coming, will she.

don’t put it on the step mum, blame mum who is willing to stop her kids doing hobbies they enjoy with no thought to their mental health.

Dh paid for his kids to do hobbies. Half the time his ex wouldn’t take them or allow them to go. They turned round once they were older and accused him of “forcing” them to do things they hated.

I'd absolutely stop.
They're not your mistakes.
You weren't there for the conception you don't have to pay.

Honestly I don't know why anyone breaks themselves over these situations.

The kids won’t do without because their mum can afford to pay her share of these costs.

All you’re suggesting is appeasing the mum.