To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

I’m glad that you’ve blocked her email.

Tbh @Kitchi, neither parent (your DH nor his ex) is treating you well. They are financially responsible for their children but somehow you are paying for extras out of your salary. Of course, it’s lovely that you want to, but neither parent should expect you to do this. It’s a gift to the children from you and you can stop it at any time.

If the ex sends you any more invoices and you’ve decided that you’re no longer going to gift this money, don’t say “we” or refer to “our household”, make it clear in writing that “I” will no longer be paying these invoices, the money was nothing to do with their father.

If they want any third party to pay for extras for their children, they need to be polite and grateful, just as they would a grandparent, godparent, etc. who provided extras for THEIR children.

The OP is already paying more than enough.

If the ex can afford more than one holiday a year abroad, then she can certainly afford to pay for her own children to have school trips.

If the OP continue to pay for all the extras, then she's depriving her own household. She's doing very well paying for the music tuition and football.

@LAMPS1 totally agree

By a seven-year-old, really?
Wait till your own kid calls you a that’s extra fun but it will happen.

Your DH should be communicating with his ex and deciding/agreeing between them, what extras they can afford over and above his cms for their children from their incomes.
He really should also communicate with her every time his children repeat a lie back to him or you, to find out where they are they getting the false information from so that it can be corrected.

I think you should now suggest to your DH that as from next school term you will not be paying for extras for your sc directly out of your account and that with her, he needs to have a meeting to prioritise their children’s extra needs and decide/agree what they can and can not afford between them according to their incomes. Eg school uniform, trips, extra tuition, hobby clubs etc.

You could add that once they have done that and agreed on the basics, you may or may not decide to gift extra lessons to them on the understanding that they know it is a gift and are respectful of that.

i think your plan is fine, it’s kind to continue paying for things their pretty shitty mum won’t, for the rest I’d just reply ‘I hear daily from the kids how poor and ugly you think we are, they are lovely kids and you shouldn’t be doing this to them. I am offended and exhausted by the constant vitriol and won’t be paying for these bills you’ve just sent me anymore. I am blocking your email, I don’t see any good reason for you to have it given what you think of me.’

Your SC are definitely old enough to know that the things they are saying are rude and unkind and should be challenged on them. Even if it's just "That is very rude".
I think it's reasonable, as well, for you to stop paying for the extras. The mum will probably try to blame you for her household having less money but if she already "pays for everything" how can it be your fault?

Why are you paying for all this??? It’s ridiculous!! How will you afford this as you have children? You’ve both been mugs. If you’re paying the correct Child Maintenance that should be it? Any other requests for % of school trips etc etc should be done via your solicitor.

Fair enough if you are paying for activities whilst the kids are in your care, but all the other extras need to stop.

Why is he paying cm and all the other costs

surely uniform and school trips etx should all be 50/50

I brought up my stepdaughters and paid for everything (sole family breadwinner), including private schools and uni. Their mother paid for one holiday to her country in all the years they lived with me, and nothing else. They are in their 30s now and guess who they treat as their mother now? The kids will see it all and understand, believe me. I never had to point out or say anything.

is it remotely possible the kids are making it up? Or exaggerating because they want a reaction? I know of soooooo many situations where children going between two houses tell porkies about the other parent to the one they’re staying with. Some outrageous, some very believable.

Bloody hell, she’s not a cypher who just exists as a third carer for SDC. She is a human being with feelings.

Why? How does that benefit OP?

I have honestly tried my best to build a coparenting relationship between DH and SC’s mum but it’s been impossible. She’s just not a very nice woman.

And the kids are learning how to be as unpleasant as she is. She is trying to cause trouble in your house because if your house is a haven for the kids she knows they will prefer it there as they get older.

Make your home a place of consistency re how people behave and treat each other. Make the kids welcome and provide the activities and days out as a family for all of you so they see they are a valued part of their dad’s new family unit and they can see it isn’t their mum paying for the day out. Take them to buy the school uniform and other clothes so they see their mum doesn’t pay for it. Give them a haven from her unpleasantness.

I don’t think you need to pay for anything as your aren’t their mother. But I think your husband’s contribution is separate to the issue of their mother being unpleasant and I would keep it that way - don’t punish kids or put them in the middle. Is your husband willing to step up and take them half of the time? If not, I think extra payment is probably quite appropriate as essentially he has more freedom to work, less childcare etc. It might be looking at finances and seeing what’s feasible for him without you subsidising though? What could he do if he wasn’t with you? I also think he could have a clear conversation about your financial support to his ex and request that she keep opinions and comments to herself as it is unhelpful for her children who really should be centred. Is mediation a possibility? Maybe not considering how you describe her. But the kids are old enough to be told, that comment is unkind and we won’t repeat it in this house.

They should be grateful to her. She's paying for opportunities that the stepchildren wouldn't otherwise have.

I wouldn't be paying for someone else's children full stop. Just stop paying for the extras.

I think you should stop paying.
In this case it's not about the children as someone else (their mum or her new husband) will pay for the activities.
So at the moment you are basically funding their mother through her children. This was fine while you were all getting along, but now her actions are causing you distress, so you should stop funding her.

I would get your DH to say that due to costs, he will continue to pay the maintenance (and sports/music fees if you want), but other stuff will have to be halved. If she's already saying she pays for it all, the kids will continue thinking that.
My ex told my child that he paid for all her things (including my bills...). He doesn't pay what the CMS suggest he should and has never paid a penny towards anything else. They're older now and I happily correct her when she says things he's said.

As hard as it is I think the best strategy is to play the long game and be the better person.

Why do you care ?

You know the truth.