To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

She emails you directly? “Sorry Deborah, no can do. I’m too poor—still trying to get my own poor self by with my old car and my weekly Aldi shop.”

I don't think you should be paying for any of this in the first place.

I think DH should pay CMS and then think about what else he can afford to pay for out of his own money after bills, while also contributing appropriately to your household.

You shouldn't be absorbing/making up for the costs of his kids. That's his responsibility.

Then stop. All of it. Make her come begging for it. And the kids will see that Mum can’t afford it, and it’s actually been SM funding. And they will have to stop calling you ugly and poor if they want you to fund.

Depends if you think it was worth it. I don’t.

This. Absolutely all of this.

As I've said in a previous post, my husband's kids were adults when their mum acquired a boyfriend. My late DH finally cracked one day and tried to tell his now middle-aged daughter the truth. Her response was "I don't want to know that."

There’s living proof on this thread that you’re wrong.

Yanbu, and being the bigger person is overrated. In this situation, they just see you as a mug, and that never changes.

They’re not for you to support; that’s for their parents

Does she also think that school trips are a waste of time? Whether or not she does, in your shoes I'd definitely stop paying for the trips.

Agreed. My late husband and I were in a similar situation though his ex acquired her boyfriend after the kids had grown and left home.

My experience is that being the better person just leaves yourself open to yet another kicking.

If you are in the UK, your dh child maintenance with go down when you have your new baby. The CMS, will adjust the payements when you inform them of your child's birth. I had similar issues as you, the lies the ex wife said were very nasty and caused us so much pain. Your new baby deserves as much as the sc, don't feel guilty because of it....Good luck in sorting this mess out that's none of your making...

@KitchiYOU should not be paying for anything for his kids. What their dad wants to do is his business. If THEIR MUM wants them to have more things then SHE can get a job to pay for it.

( people will be along shortly to call you the wicked witch of the west I’m sure 🤣)

The vitriol from their mum has to stop - did you try to explain that the kids have told you she has said horrible things?

But the comment about her paying for everything … maybe she “feels” like she is paying for everything as she is reckoning up differently to you , especially if she doesn’t value the football or music (you mentioned she isn’t bothered about it).

eg Perhaps she thinks 4 holidays a year is equivalent to the extra curriculars you pay for.

I would jump in with an email “I’m hearing via the kids that you are unhappy about dh contribution, and also the kids are repeating unkind comments you have made about me and dh which is unfair - it’s messing with their heads and their right to a good relationship with their dad, so I’m appealing to you to please stop yourself from making so many negative comments in front of the kids. Regarding the finances - we keep track of all our additional spending on activities, uniforms, trips, bills and other costs for the kids. Would it help if we each pooled our financial records so we could all see more clearly the cost of looking after the kids and agree together what is a reasonable share? I’d like to be able to continue paying for the violin and football from my salary, but if you think this money is being misspent I’d be happy to discuss it with you and then perhaps together we could explain to the kids that in order for them to have frequent holidays with mum, the money on extracurricular activities needs to be reallocated to other costs such as your clothes and dental treatment (or whatever) and so mum has asked for those activities to stop so dh and I can pay for some of the day to day cost.s.”

Stop paying. If their mum and dad refuse to pay then it’s their fault. Don’t be guilt tripped.

SS has parroted insults which just don’t seem like things he’d even consider, like when a baby should walk or a preference for a specific expensive car type. He’s usually pretty oblivious to anything which isn’t football so it just doesn’t feel like he’d care enough to make those kind of things up.

I have a 7 year old. He comes home with all sorts of rubbish I wouldn't expect from school these days, so it's hardly outside the realms of possibility.

But at any rate, punishing the children to send a message to the mum is ridiculous and concerning. What should actually be happening is your husband dealing with it - first, directly with the children (how would he normally deal with naughty behaviour, or does he just not do tit?) and secondly by being the main contact with the ex and dealing with it from the source. You shouldn't need to be speaking with her at all.

You’re a mug. Why are you paying for someone else’s kids? I’ve got step kids. Paying for them is nothing to do with me. They’ve got two parents to pay for them. Why do they need a third? All my money goes on my share of the bills, myself and my own children. Dh sorts his others but not at the detriment of our children together. It’s his job to split his money between all his kids. What kind of man allows a woman to pay for kids he’s spawned with someone else? Bizarre. You shouldn’t be throwing anything into the pot for his. You didn’t get her pregnant. Your priority is your own kid.

Op, i will probably be jumped on for this, but these children are not your financial responsibility.

They have two parents. Keep your spare money for your own child as thats what it should be for. Save for your own childs future and expenses. X

AIBU to just stop paying for the extras like trips and uniform, except for what they need for our house? I’ll still pay for their sports and music tuition

Stop paying the extras. The step children have two bio parents who can pay for the music lessons, uniform and school trips. If they can’t afford it then it’s not your problem. Your husband needs to pay half of all the bills and nursery fees.

Actually I don't think it is petty. It sounds like your husband is paying more than enough already. How are your finances split? Is it all in one pot or split? I would leave it to your husband to pay what he can afford but equally he should be contributing to your household. You shouldn't be subsidising your SC's lifestyle. That should come from their parents.

Your husband should feel shame that he doesn't contribute to or provide these opportunities for his children.

WTF? Only the privileged (and high earning) middle classes could come up with a comment like that. Newsflash - loads of parents, together, divorced or whatever, cannot afford violin lessons or football training. There is no shame in not being able to afford luxuries for your children. It would be bl;oody lovely if all these things were available for all children at affordable costs (or free), but they aren't. The "shame" should be reserved for entitled people who think that such luxuries ought to be within the grasp of the vast majority of people and that parents who can't afford them are somehow deficient.

My cousin had something similar in similar circumstances too (paying for things for the step kids when the mother wouldn't but made our she paid for everything). The children were really being told some horrible untruths and cruel jibes and were feeding back innocently. "why does mummy say this, it's not nice is it?" type comments. This was because they wouldn't give her the financial details of their home (again they split because ex wife cheated) and pay more because cousin earns more.

She and her husband took the bull by the horns and told her that the children had told them that she wasn't happy they we paying for a school trip (and that they knew it was coming from her because she had to pay the money to the teacher directly at the time in front of the kids and it caused a conversation with them) and other items and so to follow her terms and wishes they were going to stop paying for the "extras" and so and so needed this amount paying to this account by this date, the other was paid up into the end of the month for this extra and then it would be such and such to this account on this date each month. The first child preferred their uniform trousers from this shop because the other annoyed them with the seams and no pockets etc etc etc. They would pay the main (over the estimate) maintenance and leave the rest to her.

It delivered a massive climb down, an apology that wasn't an apology because it allowed her to say the children had gotten things wrong or has misunderstood to save face and things remained as they were. The children never said anything from that house similar again and things have improved a bit in hand overs too as she's treating them better.

As far as the sc are concerned you need to reward the positive. Constantly point out and praise when they do something nice or helpful or kind and try and ignore the negative. If they aren’t ever nice or kind then point it in out in other people or on tv You won’t get anywhere in a negative loop. If they want attention then give it when they are being good.

Your H needs to cover his CMA, you don't need to. its that simple. if that is not enough the ex can get a job like everyone else.