To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

Friend of mine in same boat simply left bank statements and receipts lying about on her desk - step kids were nosey and of course looked. Once they discovered their step mum & dad were actually footing the ski trip, the dance and riding lessons, the sports equipment, as well as funding the maintenance (which was actually above CMS amount) etc the repetition of what mum said about not paying for anything just stopped completely.
You need to take the kids yourself to get the trainers/coats, or order them online so they arrive new at yours & addressed to you. Rather than send ££ to the mum so mum makes out she is the spender. The kids will soon realise you're the ones paying not their mum.

Your DH seriously needs to explain to them what he pays for on top of direct CMS to mum. Without it, they wouldn't have X, Y, Z etc (violin, football, school trips, etc).

My step mum was always a high earner. I can’t imagine my mum contacting her for money directly, she would always speak to my dad. My dad would take me shopping for uniform/pay for music lessons/trips etc and I was aware he did that. No one would expect SM to cough up. I think she’s very cheeky OP.

Just to give an alternative perspective (and a story of hope!). Your SDCs can still grow up and see the light without you having to eat shit in resentful silence all through their childhood.

I have a SC who is now an adult. When they were younger, their mum was a piss taking nightmare (not financially, but in many other ways) and DH wanted me to put up and shut up for the sake of keeping the peace.

No way. I detached completely and put it all on DH. Caused massive, near marriage-ending rows, but I stuck to my guns. His ex's nonsense was not my problem and I refused to be a human shield for it. I would rather have had those arguments than seethe resentfully in silence while I got taken for an utter mug.

Turns out that my adult SC now sees their mother for who she is and now says all the same things about her that I used to say to DH - except DH now has to listen instead of invalidating me or minimising.

What SC grew up witnessing was me refusing to be a doormat and modelling good boundaries for myself. They are now actually following in my footsteps in my career field and we have a great relationship. And I didn't have to take any crap from the ex in order to get it.

Total piss take! Why should you ever be paying for this?

I'd be seriously tempted to do that, but it could get the SCs in trouble for blabbing.

It's called "setting the scene". HTH

Going against the grain. Stop paying. Just pay what you want and she can pay for the rest. People need to learn that being mean doesn’t get rewarded. The kids won’t do without, she will just have to pay for it. As if she won’t buy her own kids uniform or cover trips.

It sounds like you already do far more for them than would be reasonably expected. The extra (excluding sport or music which you’ve said you are happy to continue) are things the mother should be paying for. You are in effect subsidising her already affluent life. I would step back and let their parents take responsibility. I don’t see it as taking things out on the children, they will still get what they need, but you won’t be the one footing the bill.

Why are you paying ANYTHING towards children that aren't yours?

I'll preach this until I'm blue in the face... Blossomtoes is spot on.

There we have what?

They are OP's stepchildren, not her children.

Completely, utterly different relationship. Just ask the bio mum.

And? I don't think kids like this are worth the drama or money.

OP can have a good pleasant relationship with them without all this.

What a bitter nightmare of a woman this ex is! You have the patience of a saint, OP!

I can completely understand why you have tried to be conciliatory until now to keep/restore peace. But its clearly not making any difference, so my stance takes that into account...

• Access - glad to hear you are considering a court order to stop this - there are 10 more years for her to play silly buggers.
• Parental alienation - sounds like you have explored this and it's tricky to challenge but it must be very hard to deal with. Shame you can't include it in the court order.
• Rudeness and lies from DSC - you and DH need to call this out every single time. It ends now. Totally unacceptable.
• CMS - in these circs, DH should pay the basic CMS and then half of uniform, ideally buy some of the items himself rather than handing over money.
• Extras - great that you are blocking and ignoring. IF DH wants or has to contribute to something then he should buy it once she has sent her half. No more money going to her for unevidenced purchases.
• Trips - Stop paying completely. Drop the ball. If DH wants to pay half he can pay half to the school direct.
• Violin and football classes - this is so generous of you. I think a conversation needs to had with both DSC and you/DH to explain that you are happy to keep paying for these, as you know how great they both are at these skills, and in return they both need to think about how they speak to you and DH and remember their manners. This reminds them that you are funding the things they love and that there is a link to how they behave.

Good luck. Mostly I think you are doing brilliantly. Hang in there...

Hi OP, Can you personally pay for these costs yourself? Direct to the provider for the lessons/clubs and buy uniform directly when they're with you?

Maybe her partner is paying for the hols but won't pay for the stuff for the kids... (I know that's blurry but different couples handle finances in very different ways...)

She emails you to pay?
She should be emailing her ex, not you.
You are taking on the burden of dealing with her and paying her.
Why?
That is his job.
It's his ex that he should be co parenting with.
Step back.
When he's bearing the full brunt of his responsibilities which you are currently shouldering, he might find himself able to do more to sort it out.

@WearyAuldWumman strategic deafness can be very useful! Can't believe the cheeky baggage asked that

Don’t do as previous posters have suggested and rely on karma and the passage of time to open the children’s eyes. The cognitive dissonance created by their mum’s lies and actual evidence provided by their father will be scary for the SC, rather than illuminating. If they admit to themselves that she is lying about who pays for what, what else is she lying about and how can they rely on her?

It seems crazy that both of the SC’s parents expect you to be paying over the odds for the SC while also working to provide for your own children and getting slagged off by all and sundry.

You’ve got a couple of options - either formalise arrangements via solicitors/ court, or stop just responding to Ex’s payment demands. She can’t tell the children that you’ve stopped paying, as that will prove her previous lies. Obviously DH must pay CMS, and if your household can continue to pay for and arrange sports and music then that will be hugely beneficial for the children.

@Kitchi I think this approach is wise. You’re not heir parent, you don’t have parental responsibility for them nor any rights.

Going forward, their parents can sort everything out between them.

At the point when my late husband's ex was supposedly getting on better with us, she asked whether we had funeral plans in place. (We had taken her out for a meal.) I can't remember my precise response - I think I said that we had enough money to cover it.

DH didn't hear - he was quite deaf by then.

Then she wanted to know how much money I thought we'd get for our old house. I went temporarily deaf myself.

Often she’ll email me to say something like “kids needed new trainers and coats so I need you to transfer me £150 to cover it”

This is outrageous. If you want them to have the coats, you/DH take them out so they can see you buying them. The gall to ask for extra cash like this is outrageous.

This. We pay far over and above our fair share for DSD including maintenance despite CMA
saying zero due and not contesting child benefit despite having 50:50. She doesn’t understand this at 9. I never plan on saying a word. What she understands at 19 and 29 will be different.