To stop paying extras for SC because their mum is being horrid?

Again, interesting to hear the mentality though isnt it?

That suggestion is frankly immoral.

Ps I think it's very kind you're paying anything at all towards step kids I don't think I would unless they were starving

I think your DH also needs to have a stern word with children about repeating unkind things that they've heard to someone else. Although remember this is just them being confused and feeling guilty they're holding it in and wanting you as adults do deal with these feelings for them.

My child's father doesn't pay for his nursery or any activities and thinks I should be able to feed a toddler on £10 a week and therefore I actually owe him money as he's over paid by following child maintenance formula (even though it's less than half the nursery fees!)! I cannot stand him or his nasty attitude and I will bitch about him to any friend who'll listen but one thing I will never do is expose my child to any info about conflicts over finances or ever know that paying for things for him caused me stress or upset .

Dad needs to write to her saying how harmful and inappropriate she is being. Not that someone who has affairs probably cares what's appropriate or not but still.

I think hanging onto receipts is helpful for your own sanity to be honest as and children get older he can start to tell them he does pay for things.

For the mummy says

Id go tinkling laugh and say well everyone has different opinions sweetie. Me and you dad love you.

You know she's toxic.

Before blocking. I would set up a separate email address for ex to contact dh and tell her you will check that once a week. I would also say going forward that she will need to contact dh if things need brought and he will take the kids shopping and you won't be transferring any money.

100%

Don’t stoop to her level. I fully agree with you that she’s an absolute dickhead for harming her children like this- and it is harmful to them to turn them against their other parent- but they will come to realise what she says is bollocks and they’ll need their dad to be there for them.

Sorry if that all sounded harsh. I'm speaking for years of experience very similar to yours. I realised down the line quite how much I'd had the piss taken out of my good nature. If I can help prevent you dealing with that forever I will try!

I think you really need to stop worrying about hypotheticals like your DSC getting jealous in 10 years when your child has piano lessons. Trust me, I've walked this same exact path and it was not worth it.

Extra curriculars for the children and their feelings about any imbalance in parenting are not your concern. They are the concern of your husband. And the children will have different experiences - that's fine. They have different mothers. They know this and won't be surprised!

I'm glad you are stopping contact with ex as that was a fools errand. The ex may have acted more calm with you, because she was getting what she wanted. She probably saw your will to please and good intentions and took the full piss out of them. She's not stupid, as you say. She knows her children are the responsibility of her and DH. Sure she might be nice when it benefits her. That does not mean she will not turn on you the second it benefits her. I've learnt this the hard way.

You've seen how she behaves. Better to learn the lesson now and have very strong boundaries. You actually never have to speak to this woman again. You didn't have kids with her! Your DH needs to take responsibility, both financially and in terms of managing contact. And managing the difference between his children's lives and how he guides them all through it. You can't do it for him, no matter how well meaning you are.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Leave her to it. She can pay for her kids, you need to focus on paying for yours now.

If your DH can't afford the extra's as well as contributing to your household, then don't pay - it is not your responsibility.
If you're expecting your own child, you need to give notice that certain things are going to stop. Your own DC will come first (for you). Unfortunately you've been far too lenient and it will likely bite you on the bum and used against you.

You don't have to pay anything over what he's obliged to pay. You don't have to pay for anything for the kids, you are not financially responsible for them. Let their parents take care of that.
It's also unfair of posters to tell you dont let it get to you as they are just kids but I don't think even a parent would be ok with their children insulting them.

You sound quite conflicted OP.
You really don’t want to see your DSC go without and yet you realise you can’t keep paying and they are taking advantage of your good will.
Your DH is wrong to have let this continue. He’s also taking advantage of your kind generosity and I’m sorry to say that you are also wrong to have let it go this far.

You should give your DH and his ex warning that the money stream will stop at the end if this term (or when you think is reasonable)
Your DSC are learning there audacity from their mum and your own child will follow their example if you aren’t careful.

It’s tricky and the only way out is to withdraw with sufficient warning to allow them to sort out priorities for the children and decide/agree how to move forward. Keep it formal.

Dont allow the children to be disrespectful to you under any circumstances.
Their mum demands that you spoil them and she takes all the credit.
You need to get a handle on it quickly.

This.

OP doesn't lose any morality points by not spending her own money on things she doesn't have to.

Don’t give her the moral high ground.

@Kitchi Normally your DH just has to pay CMS- anything else is just a bonus. You really do need everything formalised by the court since you're dealing with an unhinged woman. Good on you for putting a stop to this circus. Remember : everything that you pay (and that she should and could be paying for) is money you take away from your child.

Next time she emails costs reply saying ‘I’m not obliged to pay these expenses and I am no longer willing to. The reason for this is that the children pass on your insults about me and I’m frankly over subsiding your lifestyle at the expense of my own while being bad mouthed in and out of my own home. CMS payments will continue along with my covering violin lessons. Please do not contact me about this again, DH should be contact for any issues regarding the children.’

then block her on everything and forget she exists.

Not always.

My BFF put her life on hold to raise her son single-handedly after her exH walked away from their son when he was about 6. She never told him the truth (that he was a deadbeat) nor spoke a nasty word about him.

He waltzed back into their son's life when he turned 19 with tales of woe and of her 'refusal' to let him see him, all lies. Their son bought it hook, line, and sinker. Her pain was palpable.

Although their father/son relationship has soured a bit, he's still in contact with his dad. And it still hurts her but she keeps her mouth shut.

She’s pretty brass necked. She’s the only one of the 4 of you not working but wants you to give her kids a second set of bikes so they have toys at her house. Plus thinks it’s ok to ask you for £150 for shoes and trainers.

I know she has another small child but presumably her mat leave is over. What does she provide for for her own kids? Presumably step dad pays some housing and utilities, dad’s CM pays food and rest of housing, utilities, clothes and you pay extras like the music and sports lessons, bikes, holidays with you, school trips etc. She has no income but seems to have nothing to pay for.

Draw a firm line in the sand together with your DH re what your household will pay for for the kids before the new baby arrives.

YABU because why are you paying anything at all for someone else's children? Just stop it all. They are your husband and husband ex-wife's responsibility.

Why are you asking then? What’s your Aibu?
obviously it’s your money. No one can tell you how to spend it. YABU for engaging in a row with your partners ex and using money for the kids as a tool to make your point.