AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

I had number 4 at 40 with a significant gap. All went great, big ones are mad about the baby (11 now but still called the baby!!) and always have been. They're happy to babysit and help out.

No issues here, 5 stars would recommend

I was one of three in a similar situation and, now with my own teenage DC, feel very strongly that my parents should have stopped at two. They were simply spread too thin and seemed exhausted by the time I was in my mid teens, which wasn’t great as they still had a decade to go with my younger sibling. They had a child touring universities and a child learning to read at the same time! They got away with it as we were bright, well-behaved children but there were definitely times when each of us didn’t receive proper attention at a time when we needed it.

Don’t do it! Sounds like the age gap is too big. We’ve really enjoyed the changing activities and travels you can share with your children as they grow into late teens/early twenties. With a younger third child we couldn’t have done that (and probably couldn’t have afforded to). Your children will benefit more from the extra money and time you have for them than they would from a younger sibling. I’m mid-fifties now and rather enjoying the empty nest!

I did it at 39 and am so glad I did.

I would have loved to have had three, I always wanted three but started late! I will be 39 when my second (and last) is born and although I could try again at 40/41/42 it could potentially leave me with 3 under 3 which I think I would struggle with. If I’d had my first two earlier though and they were already out of the baby/toddler stage then I would definitely be wanting a third

I'm 9 years older than my (unplanned) younger brother. I have always adored him, though the impact on our household (we have a brother 3 years older than me who went seriously off the rails whilst my parents were trying to cope with the new baby) was quite major.. We have a great relationship - I have no kids -but am very, very involved with his two young adult daughters - but...

When I left home aged 18 to go to university, he was utterly bereft - so much so that he suffered quite serious mental health issues that put him in hospital. He went psychosomatically blind for several weeks.

I tell you this, OP - and you'll note that my post has a mixed bag of issues, because my relationship with my younger brother is amazing (though neither of us has anything to do with our older brother at all) - in order to indicate that what you see as "pros" may not work out the way you might wish. And the impact of a baby on existing, quite a bit older children can be dramatic.

This is absolutely just your hormones trying to trick you into having another baby. You cons by far outweigh your pros list. For me it's also the age gap that seals the deal. Having just seen my two kids through the teen years and into adulthood there is absolutely no way in hell I would have been able to manage a toddler at the same time. It would have absolutely ruined me and my relationship with my older kids. Focus on the blessings you have been given already.

I’ve thought about but only in the context of wondering how best to protect myself from such a catastrophe. No thanks.
You’re romanticising.

I doubt that your existing kids will appreciate "a little sibling" when their currently harmonious life is up-ended by a screaming, pooing, feeding machine. Have they watched too many Disney films perhaps? They also won't appreciate a clapped out mother and limited finances when they need guidance and financial resources in early adulthood. What will a little sibling really mean to them once they've left for uni? You also run the risk of significant health problems for yourself and the baby. As for your DH wanting more - why? Is he really happy to go through all that again in middle age? He won't be the one taking the physical risk either, will he!

Your reasons to have a third aren't great. Maybe a puppy would be more appropriate - you get to choose the sex of that....

Why do you think so?

I’m sure your 14 year old doesn’t feel like that

And again, the 40 bit a non issue but spinning the roulette wheel for a different gender is problematic.

I'm 56 with a 14yo. Only child, so different scenario,but I'm posting to highlight the guilt I now feel. I just couldn't see how selfish I/we were being at the time. Now that hormones have settled, I can.

You'd be mad to do this. It's just your hormones talking. None of your reasons to go ahead are actually that good (sorry).

Agree

It’s the age gap rather than the age that would put me off. Why start all over again when your children are heading into secondary school?

And the reason about not wanting your children to grow up and leave is a really bad one …. Children get even more interesting and lovely as they grow older and flourish into independence.

The 40 bit is a non issue. My concern would be balancing needs with the age gaps

That huge sibling age gap would be enough to put me off.

I wouldn't - not because of my age (I had a baby in my early 40s, all perfectly fine and happy) but because of the age gap.

Your kids' teens will be affected by a baby - family holidays and days out will need to be toddler and small child-friendly, and activities for teens restricted. Their big exam years will be against your need to support a young child.

The age gap will work against them being close - they older two will be at Uni and then gone.

You don't know how you will feel by the time your kids are ready to leave home - you may well be looking forward to more adult time, panning your long term retirement etc. And - young adults are still our kids, they come home, tell jokes, allow us to fuss over them....you are a Mum for life.

Hmm. We have a big age gap between our oldest and youngest, because we have 4. I adore them all and of course I wouldn't change a thing, but parenting preteens / teens at the same time as babies does have its challenges. Their needs are so different, it's not always easy to do a whole family activity, you don't necessarily want your older kids bringing friends around all the time because they might wake the baby.. you are dragging toddlers around to after school activities and sports . There are so many lovely things about their bond and having lots of children but it is also exhausting, and I had my last at 30.

I wouldn’t but each to there own

Do whats right for you, I had my 4th unplanned baby 6 weeks ago at 42.

Dont under estimate how you are likely to change during your 40s. At 42 I peaked and basically felt the same as I did at 35. However by 45 onwards I (and every other woman I know) feels very different. I would absolutely hate to be parenting a younger child now at 50. My caring hormones have drained away.

Also teens are full on even relatively easy ones. Far more expected of parents of teens than our parents did for us. We stopped at two and we frequently say how relieved we are we did. Plus paying for university.

Maybe, life doesn’t always pan out the way we hope