AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

Honestly why the hell would you do this to yourself?! Don’t you want to live your own life rather than spend the last third of your active adult years doing the parenting slog again?!

Blows my mind why anyone would do this and my kids are lovely but craving doing my own thing now I’m 50 I would be deeply depressed if was still hanging round the primary school / dealing with friendship issues etc now. Christ what a nightmare scenario. Life is short.

Hopefully not, but I knew a couple who were both healthy, fit, and active at 55 and were both dead before they turned 70. They might be unusual as they were one pairing, but mortality and morbidity do go up pretty sharply after 55. So you might well be looking at a higher proportion of people losing one or both parents while they’re still young and potentially at a formative age. Then on the other hand you will get more people needing to step into a caring role for their own parents at a younger age, which could have lifelong impacts on their career or their own decisions about having children.

These are quite significant issues which older parents (mothers and fathers) should probably consider when deciding whether to have a baby over 40 (particularly in cases like the OP’s where there are already 2 children in the family).

This x100. Your age isn’t the issue here, it’s the age gaps.

You know what I mean. If your mother is 42 when you’re born, then if you have kids at 35, not only will your parents be unlikely to help with childcare or have a long relationship with grandchildren, but they may be caring for elderly parents and small children at the same time.

I know it’s trendy to say 90 year olds are fighting fit and can run around after toddlers on here, but that is the exception rather than the rule.

I do think it’s a little bit selfish to delay having children until 39 for no reason other than you wanted a few more nights out and more spending money. If you couldn’t find a partner that’s different and unavoidable. But I think this fallacy of pretending it’s fine and normal to have a first baby at 40 is going to result in a lot of societal consequences in 20 years

What do you mean? We're not all keeling over dead at 55 now are we?

I have a child who was 2 last week and I turn 40 this year. My husband is early 50’s. We also have a 16 year old child.
I don’t feel guilty at all, I am a much happier, more confident parent than I was when my eldest was a child and am enjoying every moment of raising another child.

Because she’s a much older mother with all the probability that entails? Come on now. We can’t keep ignoring this and pretending it’s the same as being 30.

Why do you feel guilty?

Your cons list outweighs your pros by a really long way, to the outside observer.

i’d add the additional risks to you from the pregnancy and birth, and the higher chance of having a child with additional needs.

There is also the state of the world, can you be optimistic about the new child’s future?

I’d also mention that I at 42 was very fit and well and now at 47 my joints are so sore and achey in the mornings, the evenings, and if I have sat still for a while that I feel like an old woman! I’m tired and would be in no mood for dealing with a young child. If I had one, they wouldn’t be getting the best from me as my existing dc did/does- I don’t have the energy any more. Perimenopause is a hell of a ride and it’s not as simple as lifting weights or taking HRT (although those things do help).

Good luck with your decision either way.

I had my third at 42. I love her to bits and don’t regret it. But it is harder logistically. Three’s a crowd. More money. And my pelvic floor has destroyed! Definitely pros and cons!!

Nothing wrong with having a baby at 40 go for it

I had my third aged 37 ,my other children were 4 and 6 . My son is now 25 and I cannot imagine life without him . He has an amazing successful life and was always the wise sibling. My older children adore him .

Yes, insane.
think of the planet if nothing else.

If I was in a loving happy family I'd keep having them! I am very jealous as I really want another child but no man in my life x

Your current two are clearly getting older and less dependent on you, and the 'empty nest' is looming on the horizon. However it will only feel 'empty" if you have nothing to fill the time. Invest some and effort into developing hobbies and interests, that you can share with others.

If your current children were a bit younger, I would say go for it, but 10+ years age gap is huge. Although you're fit and healthy, you're still 40, so it may take a while to get pregnant, increasing the potential age gap further.

If you need to move to a bigger house then you need to look very hard at the finances. Can you genuinely afford a bigger mortgage, bigger bills, and childcare costs on your current income (or even less if you take a career break.)

YABVVVVVVVVVU

Totally agree with this, especially after spending some time caring for friends 3rd and late in life baby who is disabled. Might sound horrible, but my friend really regrets rolling the dice again, especially since her ex left and she is dealing with it all alone.

I think your cons outweigh your pros

But ultimately only you and dh can decide

I really wouldn’t. Focus on the two you have. Many kids don’t leave until 30 these days so empty nest is a long way off and you’ll be more than ready.

You’ve already won the lottery. You’ve got two lovely children, you’re healthy, it sounds like you’ve got a good career and your relationship must be solid if you’re considering another.

Rolling the dice again is definitely a risk. Even if you get lucky again with a healthy child it’s going to have a big impact on your family’s life.

My vote is to bank your existing lottery win, don’t gamble it!

I'm usually on the 'go ahead' side of these threads but honestly in your circumstances my vote is sadly to leave it. You know the miscarriage rate at 40+ is around 50 per cent? How would you feel if you end up having multiple losses? The rate of complications in the pregnancy and with the baby including things like birth defects or other lifelong chromosomal conditions also significantly increases. What about if your third baby is profoundly disabled?

I wouldn't.

I'll be 45 when my last one arrives, DH will be 50.
Natural conception and so far, thankfully, other than tiredness, a completely complication free pregnancy.

Do what works for you and your family. There's pros and cons to everything.

Don't!!!

I m 46, perimenopausal, nurturing hormones are dipping. I think having a 5 year old would be hellish for many reasons:

Sleep deprivation.
Teenager when you want to retire.
The expense.
What if it's a 3rd same gender, will u be disappointed?
Will your marriage survive?

Get a dog, be a doggy mummy.

I had one at 39, with a significant age gap between my older two and the baby. I had a third because I wanted another baby, life had got in the way and we weren't able to have another sooner. It's been brilliant, the age gaps haven't been an issue, they adore their younger sibling and regularly spend time together and it hasn't meant they miss out on anything. I'm now quite a few years older and it's still working out well, I enjoy spending time with each child and our family feels complete.

I did have a wobble recently about another but that was definitely a menopause related thing, I really don't want another child and quickly realised that 🤣