AIBU to be thinking about a 3rd baby at 40?

I had mine at 39, zero problems.

I would also pay far more attention to the posts that are from the perspective of parents whose children are older or fully grown, as they are seeing the full picture in the round.

One of my parents died young too and was disabled through terminal illness before my younger sibling (third baby, born at 40) had even finished university.

The baby and toddler years are the easiest, in my view.

I'd say no. None of your reasons 'for' seem great to me.

Kids want a sibling but they have zero idea of the realities of that. My kids wanted a dog. They largely ignore him and complain when we try and drag them out to walk him!

You are entering a different phase of parenting when you can start to different things with the kids and also get a bit of your life back - you don't have to be with them every minute of the day. You and your DH can go out for lunch or walks or whatever.

I'd also worry that a baby/toddler during the teen years will inevitably mean you have less time for them when they might really need you. At that age, you really want them to know they can come to you no matter what.

I'd also think long and hard about how much you enjoy the dynamic you have at the moment. The things you do together. Would you still be able to? Even a 'perfect' baby will disrupt things massively. But what if they have additional needs or behaviour issues. I think you could very easily start resenting them for turning things upside down. Or even just things like disrupting your career.

I am not saying you are dishonest and I am sorry you lost both your parents so young. I was simply suggesting when you said that your parents had you in their early 30s and they had both died by the time they were 60 that it would have been worse had they had you in their 40s as they would have both died when you were still a teenager. I do still think it's worse to lose both parents before you are an adult than when you are older and more independent.

One passed when I was 14 the other at 29. Please don’t infer that I am in some way being dishonest.

I was also reading that too from the OP. Two boys. Two boys....

It’s your pre menopause hormones talking don’t do it

As I said, we are different when it comes to that and that is OK. It is impossible to have lost both parents in your teens and then again lose both parents when you are older. I only had one set of parents.

I had a third at 42… fast forward - am now mid-fifties and trying to balance transition to secondary school issues / SEN, with sixth form stresses / uni costs of older two, alongside supporting both sets of elderly parents (cancer / dementia / physical disabilities / end of life), none of whom live locally to us, so lots of travelling / staying away is required… it feels like me and dh are a tag-team at the moment, feeling very very stretched in all directions, and feeling like we are not able to give as much to each of them that they need. it is my youngest that I worry about most (not being able to give them enough attention / support, at such a critical time of their life).

Also factor in menopause, and the impact on sleep / mental health / joints & physical mobility… I am exhausted. But too many people are relying on us.

Re: elderly parents, the situation can change so quickly, from them being hale and hearty, to being very ill / frail and needing a lot of support, in seemingly a very short period of time. I stopped working a couple of years ago, and I honestly don’t know how I would have coped with it all if I were still working.

As a family, over the years, we have had to do many things separately (as activities / trips etc are often not suitable for the full-range of kids ages in the family), and finding something that we can all watch together (on TV or cinema) as a family has been really difficult!

Sorry for such a long and rambling post, I suppose what I wanted to say is that at 40-42 you can feel really fit and able to cope with anything, but in your 50s there may be the caring ‘squeeze’ (of elderly parents and young family at the same time), and it can be so so exhausting…

Have you experienced it?

I think a really pressing Q here is could you adequately care for a child that has a significant disability or learning need? Sure you could have a healthy neurotypical baby, but what if you don’t.

If you don’t feel like you could, I’d think really hard. It’s easy to imagine a happy vision of 3 kids when it’s a straightforward outcome, but if you don’t think you’d have the financial and emotional resilience for something more complex I’d not roll the dice again.

I am not in any way saying that there is anything wrong with any children with disabilities or learning needs, but I think it’s only responsible to consider if our capacity could provide for that child. If you’re only basing your decision on a rose tinted view, I’d interrogate it a bit more - you’d need to be ready to parent any baby that’s born to you, not just an ideal one.

I got a puppy instead 🙂

Only have a third if you really want to have a child. Not to have a daughter (might be a son), not to avoid an empty nest (you will get there anyway or maybe not since kids are staying longer time at home), not because your DC want a little sibling (they don't know the full picture- get them a doll instead).

Ok, well then we are different. For me losing your parents when you are a teen rather than when you are a fully grown adult is by far worse. I think most people feel that way.

No it wouldn’t have been worse, losing a parent at any age is terrible.
People are living longer and longer the average age expectancy for a woman is 83 so a child born to a mum at 40 is likely to have their mum around well into adulthood.
My baby will be 16 when I am 55, I am totally fine with that. The happiness she brings me far outweighs the con of “losing” my freedom for a few more years.

Butternut that made my blood run cold. I really don’t understand the drive to start all over again. Gordon Ramsay and his wife had a baby as their older ones left for university!

Just can’t relate - am so looking forward to doing my own thing with fewer caring responsibilities as mine move to late teen.

But wouldn’t it have been much worse if they had you in their 40’s then and you would have been orphaned in your teens? I know nobody knows when they are going to die but there is such a thing as statistics and it shouldn’t be fobbed off as something completely unknown.

Don’t do it, this was a similar scenario to my mate though hers were 10 and 11 plus it was an unplanned third.

She loves her third, they had one of each anyway but the continuing cost of childcare plus still running around to her kids sports matches at the weekends has been hard. Her oldest kids are mid twenties now.She is only a year or two younger than me, we have just retired early and she is now looking at GCSE exams and helping him through that and then sixth form and University, she will be 62 when he is finishing University. It’s very different to someone having a child at 40 as a first timer.

I had my last at 41 (fell pregnant at 40), I had twins ❤️❤️ the chance is higher. They are now 5, no regrets. I have 3 other older children x

I had this wobble in my late 30s. Heck if my husband hadn't had the snip we might have 3 now!

But the feeling has passed. I am 42 now and over it completely. Content with my lot and enjoying the next phase with my family. More holidays, more adult time, more time to move my career forward etc. I couldn't imagine having to do it all again now.

I think this is a last chance hormone flush and it will go away. Think of your freedom now and think about if you really are ready to do it all again.

But I'm probably biased because I am passed this feeling myself!

others have already said it - but what if the third is the same gender as your other two? and you will still have an empty nest one day, it’ll just be at age 60 odds! So I think two of your pro reasons aren’t great! I wouldn’t do it personally, running around after a toddler in your 40s would be different from 20s or even 30s I imagine

I didn’t say she shouldn’t, but she asked for opinions and in mine, these are things to be considered. Along with the points I made in my other post. It’s up to her, of course, but she asked.

My parents had me early 30s and were both dead before 60. No one knows what lies ahead, of OP is healthy and has the support of family then why shouldn’t she have another baby?