This might be more of a vent/detailing of events so I don't forget what happened.
So, hear me out. I tend to feel other people's emotions (like an energy or force) even if they're not directly expressing them, especially the negative ones. I'm particularly in tune with DH's; when he's anxious or upset or angry it hits me like a ton of bricks, and I feel like I can't escape it.
This morning we had our plumber, electrician, and dog poop scooper coming to perform their respective services. DH was getting ready for work when I felt anger and upset coming off of him, so I asked him what's wrong. He said every time I ask him to express his feelings I get mad at him (which, I have been trying to be conscious of and not do), but he explained himself anyway: He feels embarrassed of the state of the house when we have other people inside it because he worries it'll hurt his professional reputation (which I think is completely unreasonable because these are not people who are ever going to be hiring him or like, reporting back to his clients about the state of our house.)
I didn't immediately get angry, but I did ask him why he didn't let me know he felt this way, say, yesterday, instead of the exact time that the workers were due to arrive, and how he can be angry with me for not doing something he didn't ask me to do. He replied that he's expressed this to me in the past, and added some stupid quip about "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results--" and that's what first got me irritated because I don't remember him saying that to me ever, and I said as much.
He then said, "There you go getting angry again, and now you're gonna accuse me of gaslighting you," (which I didn't and wasn't going to do, and didn't think it was fair of him to say that) and I told him sometimes he thinks he says things aloud but really only thinks them, and vice versa (which genuinely seems like a recurring problem; and then he accused me of gaslighting him. (I was gaslit and emotionally abused all through my childhood; I would NEVER do that to someone else.) Naturally this upset me further.
And like, yeah, the kitchen was kind of trashed from Easter and from everyday existence with a toddler, NGL. But I had just gotten back from a week away at military course, and he had complained to me that the garden looked like shit, so I spent the last couple days mowing and pruning and weeding it instead of cleaning indoors. It felt like a priority because we share a driveway with the neighbors. I told him this, and asked him, if I had cleaned indoors instead of out, if he would have been equally embarrassed of the garden as he is of the kitchen. He said no, because he had hired a landscaper (who's not due to even assess the property til Thursday... Also, we've hired a housekeeper too, who also hasn't come yet, so this didn't make a bit of sense to me.) He also added that the house would be a lot cleaner if I just "cleaned as I went."
I told him he was being ridiculous, and he thought I called him a dick, and said "There you go calling me names again," (which I am guilty of doing when we have particularly bad arguments, but I hadn't that time.) and he reiterated this is why he doesn't share his feelings with me and mopes about it instead. I said that if he doesn't express them, then I can't change anything, and resentment just builds up. He said "Well you seem pretty resentful now," which was incredibly frustrating in and of itself.
He went away to finish getting ready and I left my breakfast at the table to try to squeeze in some last-minute cleaning, and while I was doing it I realized that the majority of the stuff lying around and the majority of the dishes in the sink were things that he had used to cook on Easter. And to give him credit, he did cook four different meals for 6 people, and cleaned up after 3 of them (I would have helped but I was cleaning the rest of the house and trying to get the bedding laundered and set up for our guests), but he gave up on the last one. And I don't even mind having to do them, it's just the fact that he was essentially blaming me for the mess when I didn't even do it that really pissed me off.
I went back to him with the intent to ask him why he didn't "clean as he went," and expected him to say "it got late/I got tired/I wanted to spend time with family on the holiday, etc.," so that I could say to him "If it's so easy to clean as you go, why didn't you just do it? If those things excuse you from leaving a mess, why don't they apply to me?"
But what he said was that he cooked and cleaned up all day long and he "thought someone else should take a turn," (he never asked me to clean up, btw) and that I was "comparing apples to oranges" because it was a holiday and he had done an exceptional amount of cooking all day... As if I don't also cook multiple meals and clean up afterwards every other regular day. And he got caught up on thinking I was mad at him for leaving dishes instead of my actual argument. He just wasn't getting it, probably, I think, because he didn't want to get it. I told him if he ever tells me "just clean as you go" again, we are finished.
Then I went back to cleaning and getting the workers to the appropriate rooms, and as he was leaving he asked me if I wanted to hug it out (because he KNOWS I can't hold grudges very long and that if he just waits long enough I'll be too tired of being angry to actually resolve anything) and then I called him a bunch of names because I was literally seething at that point. Naturally he goes, "Oh, yep! There's the name calling again," and leaves for work.
And like, the worst part is, I don't feel mad anymore about it (like I said, I can't hold a grudge to save my life) but I feel like if I don't act angry and cold for a day or three, he won't take the issue seriously. Like he has to feel like he might really lose me if he doesn't admit to being in the wrong, and then there's room for doubt that he's just apologizing without really meaning it.
I don't know what to do. Couples counseling, maybe ?