Dubai move or divorce

I think it's not a good time to make a decision about divorce or the ME - you sound like you are still adjusting to motherhood - which can be a real hard slog, especially in the beginning.
I think you'd be better to go back to work - get a nanny at home - even if you are just breaking even - getting you back again is what you need - not losing yourself further by becoming a SAHP. I was a SAHM to twins - and I remember how hard those early days were - dh worked long hours and I felt so lonely and quite miserable - but it got better.

Another thing OP, most of the flight departures in Dubai are midnight-6am and you need to be at the HQ 2 hours before. Lots of ULR flights too which can be up to 17 1/2 hours long. Also long layovers and pilots can be rostered cargo multi-sector flights where he could be away for weeks at a time.

Realistically, he will need to sleep during the daytime the day before any flight and probably will do once he returns. He won’t be able to help with dc. That’s another reason why I left as I used to be deliriously tired and no way could I have cared for a baby on my days off.

DH was in the navy when DS1 was born. In some ways it’s similar…. He was more married to the navy than me. I was stuck at home with a baby and bored. And slightly resentful. As with many forces families, I got on with my life. I was a SAHM for 3 years (went back to work ft post DS2). I decided to go and visit friends…. Off I went to Yorkshire, Norfolk etc. it was great. I then went away with my Dad and baby to visit his sister who lived abroad. I went to visit DH (with baby) in GiB and the Far East.

OP don’t contemplate divorce, concentrate on you and recovering fully from PPND. If getting a job and going back to work at the right time will help - do it. Get your own routine and DH can slot in. That can also have its challenges when they come back home and try and change things…. But it’s not something to worry about now.

If I were you I might consider Dubai for a set period, but clearly you don’t want that. So start getting yourself organised the way you want things to work. Take control.

Soon baby will go to nursery, preschool and then school-things will be different then. Hang in there

OP I may be off base but it sounds to me like your husband is an OK, somewhat ordinarily selfish person who sees his previously independent fun wife turn into a miserable and demanding presence who seems to derive no joy from the baby he is besotted with. (And yes, that shows a lack of empathy on his part of course but he wouldbt be the first). The Dubai move is a panic response to this which attempts to 'solve' this problem in somewhat typical male fashion. It's the wrong response obviously but I think it shows he does actually care and is amenable to working with you to make like easier for you. But the reality is that being a parent simply IS a world shaking adjustment even in the easiest of circumstances. Your circumstances are trickier than many but in even a years time, things could look much more stable with you back at work, better adljusted and with more money to do things for yourself, pay for support etc. You've had amazing advice here and mostly I would say hang on in there. Your husband may in the longer term indeed turn out to be a selfish unsupportive prick but even in your current state of mind, that's not the vibe I'm getting.

Yes its all lovely and glossy with cheap maids etc.

Unless you want to leave and then things become complicated.

Is it Emirates where he got the job offer for? If so, the housing for the pilots is amazing. They used to be given 5 bedroom villas on a complex. Think they also had the option for live out allowance.
Salary is also very good compared to other airlines (First officer used to be around 50k AED monthly salary).

However, proceed with caution. Firstly, he can travel ban the children very easily. Happened to my friend who is now stuck there until her child turns 18. I’m not sure if the laws changed recently for non-Muslim men but it’s definitley still the case for Muslim men. As soon as I fell pregnant, I moved back to UK. They also do not take DV seriously over there.

Secondly , in that airline you do get a lot of young woman normally from certain countries throw themselves at married pilots. I used to see it happen often on layovers. Of course, not all of them but it was common.

do NOT move to Middle East or Dubai.

Leave if you want But he won't go 50/50 and you'll still have to do everything...

It sounds like you don't actually love him if wanting to do it all completely alone ...

Sorry edited as quoted you by accident!

Have you looked at gyms with childcare? Or ones you can take the baby too. I think what your feeling is fairly normal but really tough. It will get better.

It’s been said a million times, but I’ll repeat: don’t move to Dubai. I’ve seen far too many expat wives in horrific situations because they’re stuck in marriages abroad. Loneliness takes on an entire new level when you’re a foreigner.

Look at getting back to work. Assume you’re divorced and you’ll have that majority of childcare, because that’s what usually happens with jobs like his. Work on building your life to something you’re comfortable with, THEN decide about divorce. Right now you feel backed into a corner really because you are. Back yourself out, build yourself up and then from a position of strength, decide.

That's what I was going to say. Being a pilot, I doubt he would have 50% childcare. What's likely to happen is he would move to Dubai.
I wouldn't move t Fubai either, if you hate it, he will be able to stop you from.leaving with your (and hid) child.
Go back to work as soon as you feel you want to, and put a routine together. Then figure out what you want.

I’m with those saying wait until maternity leave is over.

Right now your home and alone because of Dh schedule. Lots of people are partners of shift workers and find the change difficult.

When you are back at work and have childcare you can look at joining a gym, meeting others for nights out etc. Maybe look at a nanny for more flexible childcare hours.

I wouldn’t be making any decisions to split right now as this isn’t how your life will remain.

But I wouldn’t be moving to Dubai either!

Fuck, no. Not Dubai. Could you work out there? You might end up even more stuck in a life not of your own. Servants, but a culture that is restrictive on women and freedom and rights. Miles away from family and friends.

The first year after having a baby is so disruptive, it's not a good basis for making major life decisions.
Focus on improving daily life right now. Make friends with other new mums. Find a trustworthy sitter so you can get back to the gym and go on some date nights. Plan ahead with your DH on his days off, for family outings and a bit of daddy and baby time so you have time to yourself.

Don't isolate yourself in Dubai with baby blues. My idea of hell on earth.

Many people have to compromise when living with shift workers. I'm guessing his salary is some consolation.

Do not move to the ME, if you're unhappy here you'll be absolutely miserable there.

I know you say money is tight as you have such a massive mortgage but even so there must be some spare for a cleaner once a week, a creche, a childminder.

Stop blaming your husband for being bored at home with a young baby and just get out and meet other people in the same position for coffee. Then get back to work asap.

If you divorce there is no way in god’s earth he’s going to be any use to the op either. It certainly won’t make him more inclined to support op so she can work / have some life.

There has to be a third option.

OP are you having any help with your “baby blues”?

Then tell him that. Would you have a job in Dubai? Friends? Family support? If all it means is you'd be able to go to the gym more I don't think it would interest you for long. Can you get a regular baby sitter one evening a week for you to go out? What other options are there for him to look at job wise? Don't let yourself be bullied.

thinking practically about the here and now are there no gyms with a nursery attached? A colleague used one in her maternity leave. Saved her sanity as she was a complete gym bunny.

I would recommend reading Michelle Obamas autobiography. Sounds a bit random but she writes about when her children were little and Barrack was working long hours as a senator (I think) and how she coped. I found it really interesting, she basically flipped how she saw it so she did her own thing, dinner with the children was at a set time and if he wasn't home (or in your case asleep) he missed out. Interesting perspective.
I would say don't move or divorce if you still only 1 year into motherhood with PPD. Give yourself some time. Once your working and baby is in some childcare it might feel more manageable.

Don't make any decisions now, because what it's impossible for you to fully 'get' is that this situation is temporary. My ex-H wasn't a pilot, and still things were a bit like this due to his long working hours.

Dealing with life in general, let alone a baby, when you have PPD is really difficult, and it feels like it will never end. A baby can be a huge shock and upheaval to your life that you never could have predicted.

But babies grow up. A time will come when 4.45 for dinner is either the perfect family time (because that time does suit children too), or you can have 2 dinner times. Babaies are completely dependent on you in a way that can come as a complete shock, but as they grow, they gradually become less time-consuming and you can begin to get your life back.

Having said that, he does need to start looking after baby when he is not working, to allow you some time to yourself. He also has to accept that he can go to bed whenever he wants, but you cannot be expected to keep down any noise other than that created by you personally. The dog and the baby will make noise, and that has to be ok.

That's just a couple of tweaks that can make things a bit better, incrementally. There will be others.

In the end, I divorced when son was 5 - but by that time I was coping, wasn't confused or feeling trapped, and was sure it was the right decision.

There's no way I would go to Dubai under any circumstances. You'd lose whatever little support system you have and would be completely isolated - and even more focussed on his career.

You'll get lots of responses saying don't go to Dubai. I partially agree, just because if your marraige is on shaky ground and you become residents there with a child, that could get complicated.

On the other hand - I lived in the Gulf (similar country to Dubai) and it was a far, far easier life for the mothers of young children. Huge villa on a safe, beautifully landscaped compound, got to stay at home because the husbands all earned a fortune, and all had live-in nannies/cleaners as well so lots of time for gym and socalising.

It's also extremely friendly and welcoming, because people do rotate quite a lot. None of this struggle to break into a clique, you're welcomed and included. You'd have far less of a sense of isolation on a nice compound, and some of your new friends will probably have pilot husbands too.

It's honestly an opportunity to have a really easy, privileged life.

Also OP you can hire a babysitter to watch the baby even if he is in but has to sleep before a flight.

it might be cheaper than getting help until you get back to work that you get in a baby sitter for a few hours. Or a mothers help for 1 day a week so you can get some alone time or socialise without the baby?

What a ridiculous post. They have a gigantic mortgage - of course her husband can’t just walk away from his high paying job. He’s certainly not going to be able to find an equivalent salary in a more normal job any time soon, with no experience outside piloting and with the job market being the way it is.

And being a pilot isn’t a career you can simply ‘take a break’ from. As a pilot, if you’re not flying regularly (minimum hours per month/year), you’ll lose your licence and have to go through the lengthy, expensing process to get it back if you ever want to return.

OP needs to accept a share of the responsibility here for having a child with a pilot when she knew full well the implications of his schedule.

If you are a professional and can support yourself and your DH is a pilot (my friend is a first officer and on very good money), I'm struggling to understand why you can't afford a cleaner, nanny, etc in UK.