Dubai move or divorce

You are surely not saying that he should be up in the night with a baby the night before-or two nights before-he flies a plane with many souls on board.

If he needs dinner early in order to get to bed early than that's that. I'm sure his passengers would be glad. I wouldn't want my child flying with a pilot that is up half the week with a baby and nor would anyone on here if they all spoke the truth.

He can have his dinner early and you can have yours at whatever time you like.

You're on maternity leave.

Tell him to stop being a pilot if you want but do not endanger others because you feel woebegone.

Oh OP I could have written this myself 3 years ago!

My years maternity leave was the worst year of my life! I hated it! Please don’t make any hasty decisions at this time. It is so normal to be resentful of the other parent when it seems like their life hasn’t changed at all since having a baby, but you don’t even feel like a human being anymore!

Return to work as soon as you are able. Even if it’s PT and/or make sure you are making use of your KIT days. Your DH’s job is tricky to work around and he does need his sleep. None of us want to be in a plane piloted by someone who’s been up with a baby through the night. But he does get days off like everyone else and annual leave and he HAS to step up then.

Some practical tips to feel more yourself until the drudge of SAHM life has passed…books and podcasts. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I found reading and listening to podcasts on topics I’m really interested in helped me feel more human. It let me indulge my interests without needing a babysitter, leaving the house or a tonne of energy. It gave me interesting things to talk about & engaged my brain. Do a gentle yoga workout on YouTube. Consider some online learning.

It’s really hard around a young baby so keep it low pressure and remember it’s just to make you feel more human, more valued. I felt like a new woman as soon as my DC started nursery.

Um yeah to be honest if I'm on a flight, I would really rather the pilot not be sleep deprived from being up with a baby all night!!!

As others have said, you knew he was a pilot before you married him and had a child with him?! What do you expect him to do really??

The posters saying he is awful and selfish - how? Because he sometimes has to eat dinner / go to bed early because of his schedule? Surely that's normal in anyone who works odd shifts such as NHS staff, factory / shop workers etc...?? He's suggested moving to Dubai as he thinks it will be good for the family as his wife will get more time to herself. I don't think it's the solution here but also don't think he's being selfish in suggesting it!

OP - How you feel is completely normal in the early stages of motherhood. Losing your identity, no time to yourself, husband gets to live his life as normal etc etc. But I really don't think moving to the ME is the answer. You will feel even more lost - certainly to begin with. You need to get back to some form of yourself over here and make sure your marriage is rock solid before even considering moving anywhere else.

And I would definitely suggest going back to work part time as soon as possible. Even if you only earn enough to cover childcare costs for now. It will be worth it for your sanity.

As we don’t live in a world where people are willing or able to give up flying, we need pilots. Are pilots just supposed to not have kids?

OP’s life isn’t the way it is because everything revolves around the man. It is the way it is because to a certain extent, things have to revolve around the career of the parent who works an extremely important, high pressure job, where the lives of hundreds of people are in their hands, and where their schedule necessarily involves shift work, long hours and nights and is not fully within their control.

But you knew this would be your life? I don’t know how you could have lived the reality then expected different. Can he not pay for a nanny to help you while he isn’t there?

The fact is you’re unsupported because of his shifts. I wouldn’t move abroad you will still be lonely. Could you afford a babysitter to give you an afternoon off. There are nanny agencies that will offer qualified babysitters in an adhoc basis. If money is tight I would move to a cheaper home/area and life would be more affordable. I would also consider going back to work part time so you aren’t overloaded with work/life balance. I wouldn’t consider ending a marriage when you have had the baby blues as you describe I would wait to make big decisions when you are fully back on track.

You’re being massively unreasonable as a result of your poor mental health. Of course he can’t be up with the baby at night when he’s flying a plane the next day and you’re on maternity leave. Get a grip!

When do you go back to work? Can you sign baby up for a shift or two a week at nursery whilst you’re still on maternity leave so you can catch up on sleep and me time?

@Klaudea - you sound so much like I was I couldn’t read and run. I ended up going back to work 4 days a week 3 months earlier than planned and it saved my MH and our marriage, frankly. I needed to go back to an environment where I was in control, where I felt capable and where I could get some mental stimulation and adult conversation that had nothing to do with babies. My resentment towards my husband disappeared overnight, I was basically jealous that his life seemed to have stayed the same (it actually hadn’t!) while a bomb had dropped in mine.
I was also a much better, more engaged parent and relished our day together, rather than dreading another groundhog day of nappy changes and cleaning.
FWIW my advice is find a decent nursery and go back to work, throwing a move to a new country when you are already all at sea won’t help.

Hi OP, I don’t think your two options of a Dubai move or a divorce are good options right now. Why can’t you take other steps before this as both are very extreme?

6 months post partum is so, so early still and most people feel completely different past the one year mark when they are sleeping, babies are more independent and they get a break if they go back to work and nursery. I certainly did not enjoy my mat leave. I was exhausted, stuck at home and resentful that I couldn’t do anything I used to do, it sounds a lot like the things you are describing except for my husband didn’t work abroad. I just wonder if some of what your experiencing maybe isn’t due to your husbands job but is part of the transition to parenthood. If you were happy with the arrangement before would you not be happy with it again if you were given the space and time to do the things you were doing before?

I think it is unfortunate that his job probably does require him to be well rested and his schedule will be unpredictable and change, even if he does sometimes use that as an excuse.

would you be able to trial nursery and a bit of extra regular support with child minding in the house as an initial step?

I think what you're dismissing as "baby blues" sounds like quite bad PND. I suspect this but the usual exhaustion and relentlessness of having a small baby is clouding your judgement here. Most people have an uneven split on mat leave, it's the first time many adult women haven't been working in their jobs and that causes issues for many many couples. You knew the job and hours your DH did, it's not clear what your expectations were about this changing.

You need to think practically about what your DH can do. He obviously can't look after the baby the night before a flight - it's unreasonable to ask that. He can however do it when he's on his rest days. Get his schedule and work round it so you can plan in some time for yourself. He needs to take the reins on sorting his own dinner of he's on a different schedule. Can you get a cleaner for a few hours once a week or once a fortnight?

DH has travelled extensively since DD (now 7) was 10 months old, every month we sit down and work out our schedule, he travels ad hoc and it's a moving picture but I'm organised AF and prioritise our DCs schedules over his and I ensure I get my own time as well. DH often jokes he gets the scraps at the end but I remind him about his uninterrupted nights sleep in hotels and not having to do the school and nursery run.

Don’t make any decisions at the moment. You have just had a baby and you are feeling overwhelmed. Don’t get divorced as this will make life harder for you. Just take your time and adjust to your new life and see how you feel in a few months time. Having your first child is a shock. You realise you don’t have your own life anymore. It’s hard but it will get better

Hey @Klaudea. I’m also married to a pilot so I do understand the world you live in. It’s very different to how a lot of my friends live.

Can you say if your DH is a FO or Captain? And what airline he works for? What airport is he based at?

In the time I’ve been with DH he’s worked for a couple of different airlines and moved from FO to a line training captain. There’s a big difference between different pilot gigs and you might be able to improve life without doing anything too crazy!

My DH moved to a different airline and we moved cities (in the UK) a few years ago and he went from being exhausted and burnt out to having a great work/life balance.

Yes if he’s working early he does need to get to bed early but he’s also got loads of time off. In the winter he might work 5 days a month and in the summer 8-10 days a month. We don’t have a baby yet (TTC at the moment) but we agreed with his current job he would be able to be a lot more hands on. I would expect when I’m on maternity leave he would be around way, way more than the average 9-5 office worker. Then he will have long days and days he will need to prioritise sleep but overall he will have a lot of capacity.

I guess what I’m saying is I understand the pressure you’re both under but you should consider other options - it’s not Dubai or no change. Lots of different airlines and short v long haul in the UK.

We lived in a community in AD with a lot of pilots and saw more at school. I was surprised how moderate their life styles were. Ok, they might have a maid/nanny, as did a lot of people, and they had cheap travel, but they weren't living it up. I might be wrong but I get the impression your husband has a very rosy view.

You would have to make your own entertainment with a baby, and if you've been unwell, please check the medical insurance very carefully.

We had a great time, and I would recommend living abroad to anyone who is keen, but you don't seem on board at this stage so I wouldn't say it's the solution.

Do you still love your husband? Or has the resentment killed the love, if he were to support you do you think it would come back?

First off couples counselling. Give him a chance to really listen to you, for you to really explore your feelings and see if you can help one another back to a supportive loving marriage.

If that fails divorce.

Your DH presumably earns well and declares earnings so you should get a fair entitlement. If he cannot have regular contact due to his shifts and you become resident parent all week you should get a decent amount of financial support.

You say you can support yourself if back in work in a professional job, so with the financial support from ex DH you should be able to arrange childcare for YOUR routine. It wont be eaiser, but you will loose the resentment and feeling of lack of control of your own life so it may well feel easier.

It will pass OP, it's the baby blues as you say and the loss of your old self playing a part too.

Lots of people have partners who do shifts or work away for long periods.

Sorry you're feeling low and unheard, but hang tight.

BFF is in a similar situation but things have eased now that her two boys are older.

OP does your dh fly long haul or short haul? I don’t think you’ve said who he flies for but some airlines are much better than others for this sort of thing. If he’s doing short haul, and made the move to long haul, he’d only have to fly around 4x per month. If he wants to stay doing short haul, Ryanair operate a 5 on, 4 off shift pattern. The money isn’t as good as other airlines but if you have a professional job with a decent income then having the certainty of a fixed roster would be ideal and allow you to work around each other more. Changing airline in this country seems like a much less draconian step than moving half way across the world!

I think you are making the assumption if you separate he will be forced to see how difficult it is with a baby.....the sad reality is he won't he cant be forced to parent - his life will continue with access around his shifts.

Maternity leave can be a hard slog can you put baby in nursery a day a week to give yourself time to do your own thing? If sounds like you are very much still adjusting to baby and the limitations on your time/freedom I wouldn't rush to make any decisions while you are on mat leave

That seems reasonable. I wouldn't want to be on a flight where the pilot hasn't slept tbh.

I think the vast majority of this is your PPD and adjusting to life with a baby. You can’t make any decisions when your baby is 6 months old, it’s ridiculous.
Of course he goes to bed early when he’s on shift early, eating dinner at 4:45 occasionally is hardly such a big strain on your life.
You need to work hard for shift work to work around family life, presumably the big upside to his shifts is the pay.
You can still do things on your own schedule around his, you don’t have to go to bed early because he needs to. Try to look at the back to back days off he has as a benefit to shift work.

Honestly, my baby blues probably weren't fully resolved until my child was about 5 years old, so please don't underestimate how much of a strain having a baby is on your mind or body.

Take divorce off the table. You got married to promise stability during unstable times.

You do need to build a life that demands up on its own though - not just you, we all do. I made mum friends at groups and we got into a routine of seeing eachother most days and it was like building a new family. There is nothing like the baby years for making new friends and bonding. You need those friendships.

Going back to work will help loads. I took a year off and I spent the last 12 weeks dreading going back but honestly it felt like a holiday! It will be hard going back in other ways, but my point is that you will be in a different space in 12 months.

I think you need to commit to rebuilding your life e.g. replacing gym with baby meets etc to get back to where you were.

Dubai should absolutely not be on the cards at the moment. That's a very clear red line and a firm conversation to have.

And dh needs to be besotted woth his baby and wife and look after you while you're fragile, because you are. There is absolutely no reason you can't go out for a few hours without the baby on his daymoff while he's awake. Some men don't seem to realise that having a baby means there are no days off in the old sense where you get to laze around all day with no responsibilities..it's a short period of life and he needs to recognise the need to pivot to support his family for a few years with more than a paycheck.

It seems a big jump straight to divorce. Agree with pp continue your treatment before making any decisions.

Why is it all meant to revolve around the man? Did HE not know that when you have a baby, you have to be a fucking parent? Why is all sacrifice on the woman? Very misogynistic attitude you have, where women have to be responsible for their choices, but men don't. She wants to take the dog for a walk on her own FFS, not go out clubbing until 5am, of course he can parent their child alone for 30 minutes.

Please don't move OP, your husband is selfish, your marriage is rocky and you're not in a good place. You could end up isolated in a country you hate, where you've given up rights (which men seem to think is no big deal for women to do), and you could end up trapped there if you split.

If you’re seeing a psychiatrist not a psychologist (because so many people seem to confuse the two I feel I have to be clear) then you shouldn’t be making any sort of life-changing decisions IMO. That includes Dubai or divorce.

You should wait until MATL is over and then decide what to do

You are under the care of a psychiatrist, it’s not easy getting to see one as MH services are so stretched plus your baby is 6 months old. You are not in a healthy place to make any major life decisions at all at the moment.

As someone who grew up with a parent as crew I have somewhat of an understanding of the dynamic at home.

I also have three small children (all under 4) and when I had my first I felt very similarly to you in terms of loneliness and being a slave to the baby - the thing that fixed it was going back to work. I’m assuming that if your baby is 6 months that your mat pay is not either very low or non existent. Speak to your work about maybe going back part time for the next 6 months and put the baby into nursery or whatever childcare arrangement you want. This will give you a huge mental break from the relentlessness of being a parent to a small baby. Then I would look at your husbands roster at the beginning of every month and plan out with him exactly when you are going to do things like make time go to the gym or go out for dinner/lunch with friends but also plan date nights etc with him too. It sounds like romantically there is a lot a big disconnect atm and scheduling in quality time together just the two of you is also really important.

I went back to work (part time) after having my second when they were 6 months old because I knew from the previous baby that I didn’t want to be stuck at home all the time bored out of my mind and it made a really big difference to my mental health the second time around.