Dubai move or divorce

I wouldn't rush in to any decisions. Lots of people don't enjoy the very young baby stage and struggle with depression immediately after having a baby. Even by doing nothing, as the child gets older and starts nursery and school you will get your you time back.

I think there's lots of ideas to consider.

1. Moving to Dubai
2. Moving to somewhere else abroad that interests you both
3. Moving to somewhere in the UK nearer to your friends and family
4. Downsizing so you can hire in help
5. Finding activities you can do with the baby - I went to a parent and baby yoga class where the mums did yoga whilst the babies played in baby gyms.
6. find some savings to allow some hired help/occasional babysitting. Or a night nanny occasionally? Mothers help?
7. put the baby in nursery or childminder for some hours.
8. go back to work. Plenty of people I know didn't like being a sahm.
9. husband sleeps in hotel before flying so you don't have to tiptoe around
10. schedule one of the baby's naps for the same time as the dog walk and let them fall asleep in the buggy. I used to do this and then leave the baby in the buggy in the garden until they woke up.
11. don't have dinner at 4.45. He can eat something else.
12. find something to do each day. Maybe parent and baby swimming if you like sport?

I'm sure there are lots of others suggested here.

Selfish because despite OP severely struggling with her mental health, the solution he's giving is that they do something only HE wants and move to the ME. Nothing to do with him being a pilot.

By the way, I've heard women can be in the forces these days too...

How on earth is he "selfish"?!?! He's a fucking airline pilot!!!

Men in the forces are away from their families for months at a time leaving their wives to do absolutely everything. Are they selfish? Doctors and surgeons can work anywhere up to 20 hours a day! And then have to go home and sleep before their next shift. Are they selfish???

At the end of the day, if you chose to be with someone who has a profession like any of the above then that's the life you're getting into. My ex was in the Navy and if we would have stayed together and had kids, he would have barely been around. And that's the reason I ended our relationship as I couldn't imagine being with someone who was away more than he was home.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I’m sure you will get through it just hang tight.

I think you need to set some boundaries, maybe living near family or friends if possible would be better for you and the baby. Set a routine and your partner will need to slot around that. You are a professional too so your life/career is important too.

If he wants dinner at 4pm then tell him it will be ready at 5pm and if he can’t wait he can make it or can sort himself out. Tell him to wear earplugs and a mask and get on with it. I used to work shifts there is only so much you can expect people to tip-toe around you.

I don’t have children yet, live in london and have an interesting career. Yet everyday still feels like Groundhog Day. Washing, Housework (even with a cleaner once a week) Food shopping and prep, life admin and work. I’m 31 nearly 32 and am finally accepting this is how it is, children or no children. We could chose to go back to my partners country South Africa and have a housekeeper however how would we work and pay for that?

In Dubai you’d probably be able to afford a housekeeper and a nanny, and be able to work. Also you’d have an expat community you could dip into. To be honest I’d never seek out to live in a place like Dubai, but if my partner was earning well and we had those amenities, I’d lay with the devil and try to make the best of it, treat my housekeeper well tip etc… that’s how I approach my future retiring in South Africa. With an open mind.

I’d also recommend seeing a GP or getting some support therapy etc… nothing wrong with seeking help during such a change in lifestyle. Good luck! 🤞

Do not make any big decisions while in the clutches of PND.

The problem is not that you’re in the UK or that he’s a pilot, it’s that he has not adjusted his life priorities and you had to. It’s awful.

Dubai will not fix anything (and is awful). A divorce will just reduce the current minimal support you have from him to 0. Being a SAHM will make you financially vulnerable.

When I was in your situation I read my husband the riot act. It was the first truly big truly awful fight we had. We walked around with a buggy for 3 hours while I explained just how miserable and unsupported and stuck I felt and all the ways in which he had been an arse. Things changed after that, slowly. He also stepped up more as DS got bigger, and with DD from the start (as by then we knew what we were doing and it wasn’t such a shock).

OP, just to reiterate, please don't move for your selfish husband.

She shouldn't move if she doesn't want to. But if he was selfish, he would have taken the job he was previously offered. He didn't. Perhaps there's a middle ground before she divorces him?

What can he do about the demands of his job other than giving it up? And how can he give it up when they have a humongous mortgage with monthly repayments of three and a half grand?

someone who asked 'didn't you realise this before you married him' - that is just such a gross anti feminist/ anti women comment.

Having children changes a family dynamic and brings enormous commitment and responsibilities that nobody really understands until they are in it.

I'm sure the OP had absolutely no idea how hard and lonely she would find parenting alone so often - until she was caught up in it.

The man doesn't get to say 'well you knew I was a really important pilot who can't possibly every change'

If you want relationships to work you bend and grow within them - and a man is just as capable of doing that as a women it's just they aren't expected to

I’m sorry OP that you are going through this.

Deep down you must know that it is unreasonable to expect a pilot to disturb his sleep.

This is about you finding being a new mum HARD - and you are not unreasonable for that, AT ALL! However, taking it out on your husband will not help. No matter how envious you are that he has a “get out” from the baby care that you are finding so draining and demoralising. It isn’t a get out though, it’s just his job, which he has to do, and he has to do safely.

You know you have PND, you are getting help for it, so stick with your husband at least until you’re feeling more yourself.

Do not move to Dubai.

Also don’t divorce your husband, at least not right now.

I do think this situation will improve vastly if you can find a way to get some childcare in the short term though, and go back to work long term.

I would prioritise childcare second only to bills on your budget. Find a way to make it happen. Cut back as much as you need to, eat jacket potatoes and keep the heating off this time of year.

Hope you feel better soon x

OK I can see I've 'triggered' you, you're very angry about this, so I'll leave you to it.

OP, just to reiterate, please don't move for your selfish husband.

Yes - he knew what he was getting into when he had a baby. He knew that he would be away a lot and need to maintain sleep hygiene on the nights before he flies, and that that would mean his partner would have to carry more of the mental load. He thought his partner was up for that - she told him she was.

And if he crashes his plane and dies - plus is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people - because he didn’t get enough sleep, how will that help the OP’s mental health? Do you think she’ll enjoy testifying at the inquest in front of their grieving families?

You have a DH problem.

1 You don't have to adjust everything for his schedule. if he wants to eat at 4:45 and go to bed at 6pm that's fine, but you don't have to eat at 4:45 and you don't have to go to bed at 6pm. I would suggest that he sleeps in the spare room on nights like this to accomodate you being able to move freely around the rest of the house.

2 He can still have the baby even if he works the next day. eg, he has baby from 4-7 while you are doing soething else.

3 He can't possibly need a full night's sleep 7 nights a week? So plan for your own things on the nights he does not have to be up for work the next day. Ditto, if he is off during the day, he can have the baby while you do something else.

But mostly, I think you have a selfish pricj of a husband and considering a move to Dubai is a truly awful idea. Do not do it.

She then admits in the next post that he will do these things when he’s not responsible for the lives of hundreds of people the next fucking day!

Clearly you have no ability to relate to the situation the OP is actually in - presumably you and your partner are both in normal 9-5 office jobs and can play a fully equal role in raising your kids.

But that simply does not work for families where one parent, regardless of gender, is a pilot or in an equivalent high pressure career with long, unpredictable hours and necessarily a lot of time away (e.g. emergency doctors, military folks etc.). OP knew what she signing up for.

He knew what he was getting into when he had a baby. No one made him. Men are just as responsible for their choices as women are, and I highly doubt you'd be defending a female pilot who refused to look after her own child for just 30 minutes when her husband is on his knees and has bad mental health.

Clearly we disagree, there's no need to start insulting people you disagree with you know? It is possible to just disagree like an adult.

You have choices. If being a SAHM isn't for you, go back to work. You're on maternity leave, so could you speak to your employer about a phased return and sort out childcare for those days? If a child-centric role isn't for you, then change the dynamic.

Your DH has good reason to want to go to Dubai, and you have good reasons not to go. I know people in your position who've done the Dubai pilot run. Pros: better pay and conditions, promotion, career progression & better prospects with other long-haul operators, relatively short term if you want it to be (most do), great networking opportunities for both of you, better long-term financial security for your family. Cons: Cultural differences, political issues, homesickness, etc.

Your DH turned down a job offer (from Emirates?). Believe me, that's a big deal! Doesn't that speak volumes about where his priorities lie? Flipping this, he's given up on a plum job at your request, is supporting you (through sickness and health), as he should, holding down a demanding job, and you're thinking of divorcing him because you're not happy?

It’s not always as easy as just moving back if you don’t like it. If her DH is happy and wants to stay he can stop her leaving with their child - so she either stays there under his visa as a dependent until the child turns 18, finds a way to get her own visa and stays there until the child turns 18, or risks being arrested for kidnapping if she takes the child back to the U.K. without his permission.

I wouldn’t make any big decisions whilst still under psychiatric care. Moving or divorcing.

As a doctor I often wished we had the same fatigue management conditions as the pilots who flew us to places where we had to resuscitate people. It often seemed only one group of people who needed to keep people alive where expected and supported to be rested…..however this should mean he has plenty of time not working in which he can definitely step up. Certainly far more than the average surgeon. I’d be minded to seek marriage counselling.

It’s obvious to everyone but you, what does that say?

It’s pretty clear that OPs larger problems stem from PPD and struggling to adjust to life with a baby. The baby is only 5 months, lots of these feelings are completely normal.
Her DH will have huge chunks of time off back to back, since she said he does take the baby when he isn’t working it’s clear not being able to go on a walk at night time on a handful of days a month isn’t the root cause of OP’s distress and it’s much, much more likely it’s caused by her PPD.

You’re just embarrassing yourself now. You clearly have an agenda that you are pursuing while paying no regard to the facts of the situation. OP is not an innocent victim of misogyny. She knew full well what she was getting herself into, but thought she could cope. It’s not her fault that she’s found it harder than she expected, but it’s not her husband’s fault either.

Why not try moving to Dubai if you want to keep your family together? You would be able to afford a better quality of life, giving you time to do independent things. You will make expat friends and there is culture, just not western culture there. If you don’t like it, just move back?!

There are two separate issues here: moving to Dubai and having postnatal depression.

clearly you don’t want to do the first one so just say no, but you have to deal with the second one too.

I haven't read the full thread, but I agree with those who point out that his job is safety critical. He must go to work when required by his employer and he must be adequately rested when he gets there. These things are not negotiable Turning up exhausted because of a difficult night with the baby is not an option. I'm afraid this is the life you sign up to if you marry an airline pilot. Family life has to revolve around his (or her) job.

If you are depressed or coming out of depression, it is the wrong time to make major life decisions. People often make big decisions such as divorcing, getting married, moving, changing jobs, having a baby, etc. when they are depressed because they think it will make them feel better. The reality is that it might work for a short while, but it doesn't fix the underlying problem so it isn't a long term fix. And often they will regret the decision. So my advice to the OP would be not to do either - don't move to Dubai and don't divorce. Get yourself fully better then see how you feel about things.

Right back at you.

It's not obvious at all when she's said shes begged him for time alone even just to walk the dog as it would help her so much. If she was regularly able to do that, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?