Dubai move or divorce

Hi OP, I'm not married to a pilot but DH travels with work regularly for a few weeks at a time, I struggled with MH after birth of first and we now have 3 young children and experience of living abroad.

A few suggestions-

-Accept that while DH is away, it is up to you as the person at home to decide how much extra help you need and the bills for these need to be seen as essentials to life going for all 3 of you. eg laundry pickup/drop off service, babysitting to give you freedom to leave house in the evening. I'd recommend finding someone with confidence and experience who loves looking after your baby and pay them well, try to build the relationship so they become your assistant and you become their go-to family for work. A newly qualified nurse (happy to mind until late) and a recently retired teaching assistant (happy to do daytime care) have been our childcare heroes!

-Choose what you would like to do at weekends and book it. Don't feel you can only do fun things with your baby when husband is home.

-We've lived abroad before for short stints of a few months at a time. I would not be against doing this again in the future, but I definitely would have been against doing it with a baby; life is hard enough at this point and familiarity of how to reach friends/doctors/nursery/playgroups is important.

-Look at how to save money and what is essential. We seriously considered renting out our house so we could come back to it at a later point and moving into a smaller 2 bed or an apartment with shared garden space. Would this help?

-Give it time, the routine you have now will be completely different again in 6 months time when you are back at work.

-The first year or so after the birth of our first was the hardest. It gets easier, and more enjoyable too.

You are a first time mum and on maternity leave, it's hard going and your hormones will be all over the place, plus losing your freedom and not doing your usual routine. Hold on in there, I hated and resented my oh for the first year after childbirth and could have easily left our relationship, it all calmed down eventually once I went back to work and felt a little more like myself again. Have a sit down and tell him how you are feeling and see what his response his. I do agree moving to dubai will be hard going and he needs to consider you in all this too.

if the choice is Dubai with a husband who already does nothing and his schedule rules my life, and going it alone in my professional job with the help of a cleaner and childminder? it is an absolute no-brainer.

ETA: added to which, my suggestion was see how it is with him in ME and OP closer to a support network (and / or buying in cleaner and childcare help)

All these people saying divorce-as if life is peachy being a single parent.You complain about doing all the parenting and being alone-wait until you’re single and doing it. The loneliness. Dating again with a child. Your child flitting back and forth between two homes. You may feel as if you’re one already, but you’re really not. I know-I’ve done it. If you dislike your husband, and feel you can no longer love him or respect him, I’d say go for it but that doesn’t seem to be the problem. Take a breather and delay any important decisions about your life. Try to allow affection between you and your husband back in. Look at going back to work in the future and see how you can make it work. But don’t just throw everything upon the air with long term consequences because you’re fed up.

oh OP this sounds so stressful.

In your shoes? i would not be moving to Dubai, or anywhere else in the ME for that matter. And since your DH works so much, and such odd times would it really make much difference if you stayed in UK? He will earn a fair amount, so maybe you could downsize your house to closer to your family, and you can buy in childcare a few days a week so you can do the gym and meet friends etc?

See how it works with a distance relationship, and only make really firm, final, decisions once you are back working?

I think there always seems to be a link between PND and husband's not helping enough. What would he say to the idea of him going part time? So then you can start work part time as well. I don't think living in Dubai and having loads of maids is the answer. You need a partner who is there for you and your child.

Either way you should get couples counselling, so that either he can make compromises, or you can decide to split.

Her husband needs to drop what exactly?!?! 😂

OP has said (in her own words!)

I told dh I can’t live like this anymore. Im going crazy. Im a slave to the house, baby and dh. I am not presenting my own life. I told dh I was so naive and didn’t think about how his job would really work with a family. I thought I would carry on making myself busy and being independent. I really think I would be happier divorced.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc.

She has been telling HIM she can't live like this anymore, she's going crazy etc etc. Then he suggested a move to the ME.

That is literally all that has happened. You're making out like he's forcing her to do everything on his terms when it sounds like he's just trying to suggest something to help as his wife is obviously very unhappy!

As a PP said men often try to ‘fix’ problems. So if OP is saying she has no time to herself and doesn’t feel like herself any more he is probably suggesting Dubai because he’s heard most people have nannies and cleaners and that will help OP get time back to do things she wants to.

I think the upheaval at this point wouldn’t be worth it, but he’s not automatically a bad person for suggesting it. I think he’s just missed the point that OP is struggling with the all consuming nature of caring for a little baby. Having just been through it, I know how tough it is and how being the default parent is so tiring. And I’d get angry at my husband being home at 6pm instead of 5pm!

Being a pilot isn’t exactly flexible but they need to work together. Figure out each week how OP can get some time, or the days where the husband can take the lead on caring instead of OP.

The other option is for the husband to ask for some parental leave (its unpaid so tricky financially) but might be worth looking at if it gives OP support in the short term.

Apparently pilots, members of the military, merchant sailors, and emergency medicine doctors are all shit parents. My dh is a scientist who worked six months of the year at a remote station, and I guess he was shit too.

It's not always husbands either, I know a number of military and medical families where the mum is the one with the difficult schedule, so they must also be shit I guess.

Well there we agree, OP shouldn't rush into any decisions right now, including the ME, so her husband needs to drop it.

Honestly I don’t think divorce will solve your issue. You’re finding it hard particularly as your husband is away a lot or else has to rest before he leaves.
I think you’re jumping the gun here. Get in some regular babysitting help once a week and plan a me night. Going back to work might actually help you as you’ll have more social interaction etc.
Honestly if he’s a pilot there is not much he can do about his antisocial hours and you owe it to your daughter to at least try and make it work for a little bit as opposed to immediately going to divorce.

OP clearly is not in a position to be making any major life decisions right now - whether that’s moving to the Middle East or moving within the UK. She needs to get out of the fog of PDD first.

On the latter option though, there’s no guarantees that it will possible - their mortgage may or may not be portable, and even if it is, early repayment charges on the chunk they would be paying back could be financially prohibitive. OP’s situation will not be improved by rash decisions that could have long-term financial consequences.

@Starlight1984 What, and he knows what's best for her does he? Knows better than she does? Very patronising. The ME isn't the only place in the world where having a cleaner is possible. OP doesn't want to move to the ME, so he should respect that and help find better solutions like downsizing.

As for everyone telling me the same thing, I was arguing with couple of people about how much parenting he is able to do, not if moving to ME is selfish, but why you think I must share the opinions of a few others on this thread (and it's far from everyone), I don't know. Its not about being right (strange way of looking at it), I'm simply entitled to my opinion thanks, just as others are entitled to theirs.

How are you this morning OP?

Echoing everyone else saying don't move.

What does your average day look like with baby? How much are you managing to get out?

In all fairness OP if you have been suffering with post natal depression along with having a baby then I see it as far more than an issue with your husbands schedule. You were happy with your lifestyle before the baby came along & now you feel trapped & lacking in your own identity. Raising a child in a safe & loving home is an identity but sadly it's often not perceived that way.

If you have a loving husband & a good father to your child, albeit when he is available,then why throw that away for some imaginary single lifestyle which you can never get back when you have a child. I would be looking at what I have in life now & appreciating it rather than looking back at what I used to have.

Why ME though? Your mortgage is crazy, why not a cheaper part of the UK near another airport?

he can’t make his own dinner and eat it by himself? He can’t acknowledge that making her live around his schedule is stifling and that he will follow it and make his own food and put EarPods on and go to sleep and let her have her own routine that works?

because of course he can

because to me it sounds as if she has lost herself to either her baby’s routine or his. And he can help that by not forcing her to abide to his schedule

and on his days off let her lead as well

the hardest part of the early stages of parenting is losing yourself as an autonomous person. @Klaudea I think that is what you need to tell him, you have lost autonomy and either adapting your time to your babies needs or his needs means you have lost yourself.
Yes you can adapt to be quiet but dinners etc it would be nice for that to be him eating alone sometimes so you can choose when you eat. Just a choice for yourself

You're going through the most difficult stage of being a mum and one day you will be able to look back on this as a stage you got through. Something needs to change, but I wouldn't make major life decisions at the moment. You're clearly in a situation most of us would struggle with but it's not clear from your posts how much of this is completely unchangeable and how much feels unchangeable because you're still thinking through a depressed lens. You've been feeling like your husband won't watch the baby but then it seems he will, just not at night before flying. Are your feelings a response to his attitude or a reflection of you feeling lost and helpless and giving up asking, or both? How do you feel otherwise about being a mum and your baby? How have you found being away from work? If you haven't already, can you talk the relationship issues through thoroughly with your IPT therapist?

For the moment, while you work out what you want, can you identify a couple of things you DO have control over and make some small changes so that you have more contact with other people and things you enjoy during the day? Your situation feels unfair and when this happens we naturally ruminate on the unfairness and then feel more trapped and angry. We're all different, but maybe less time thinking about these huge decisions on your own would work for you and actually help you to see it all more clearly and feel more empowered.

What do you feel about your husband and marriage? Do you want it to work? Your difficulties sound well suited to relationship counseling where you could look together with a neutral person at what your DH can / can't change and how more balance could be created in the relationship. Online would be more flexible, but I can see you may need to be pretty forceful in insisting that your DH blocks this time out and declares some kind of regular 'medical' appointment to his employer.

You say you've been naive thinking you could have a baby and carry on, but I think your DH has been naive too and needs to own that and contribute to a more realistic solution than Dubai.

If that 30 minutes falls into the 8-9 hour period ahead of a flight when he needs to be sleeping, he - legally - cannot do that.

Don't be pedantic. It was an example about the armed forces as I was talking about husbands who work away.

The OP has said herself that he was offered this opportunity last year and turned it down! And clearly now is thinking it might be good for his wife to have a cleaner, nanny etc to get some time back for herself if she's struggling so much?!

Everyone is telling you the same thing but you're adamant you're right.

Why exactly is moving within the UK to a cheaper house ruled out as a possible option? Why does it have to be the ME?

Make his own dinner? Get EarPods so he can sleep? Eat his dinner and then spend 30 mins with his son so his wife can have a walk. Tell her it is hard and let’s see what small tiny things he can do to make her life easier.
Recognise that her life has changed but so has his and whst little tiny things he can do.

Gestures don’t have to be big, sometimes just a small tiny acknowledgement a small little change - recognising that perhaps if I need to eat at 4:45 I can make my own dinner and let others eat later.

the problem is his solution is what he wanted all aling

Please do not make any drastic decision when you are still influenced by the baby blue.

I had lots of crazy idea went through my mind during the 1st year of my DC - which many I am glad that I didn't do much of them, of which that includes, I thought my DH was not qualified as a daddy, he didn't love his DC enough...etc

Men need to be trained as a daddy, and so do us. Your DH can be still navigating his new role, it can take years but as long as he is willing to adapt, it's heading to the right direction.

Please consider getting someone to help you out, hire a babysitter or a nanny...free yourself up at least 2 days a week.

About Dubai...I used to live in a place (not UK) where most mums were wives of pilots. They all got child-care helpers and arranged play dates to hang out with other mums to relax and were generally happy and doing okay. If such community exists in Dubai then it's not that bad.

Hang in there OP, things will get smoother as your child grows older.

What solution should he be offering? What serious, genuine options do they have? He’s being as engaged and hands on a parent as his job allows - he’s looking after the baby on his days off and when he’s not required to be sleeping ahead of a flight the next day.

They clearly can’t afford for him to give up his job or even cut his hours - again, they have a stonking great mortgage payment of three and a half grand. And he cannot change the demands of his job. He can’t even easily take a leave of absence - he needs to maintain minimum flying hours to hold onto his licence.

The problem is that there are no solutions! He’s presumably panicking and suggesting the only thing he can think of.

I do agree with this to an extend. Managing expectations is a part of life. My partner knew what he was getting into when I told him I was a clinician with the NHS and I knew what I was getting into when he told me about his work in Tech.

That was part of the attraction. I have no issues with my partner working long hours. He provides he pays the mortgage and will do his bit. That’s more than any of my friends have. I am lucky.

You can’t have a high earning partner and a hands on dad taking the baby off you at 3pm Monday to Friday. In fact if you want that, do what my friend has done and marry a primary school teacher. She’s a GP so can do the rest.

I’m all for equality but women must manage their expectations at times.