Dubai move or divorce

Do you have local mother & baby group you can attend?They can be company outwith the home & they often offer to babysit to give you some free time. I found rather than fighting the 'feeling' which once you have a child never leaves you. You are constantly worried about them surviving, even when not around them, so it's actually better to give in & say this is my role now. I'm a mother so I may as well accept everything that comes with it, rather than fight it.

FWIW,l Ioved having young children & having the privilege of being a SAHM for a few years although its not for everyone. Also,to be fair I had parents close by on both sides. It's a pity that's less common nowadays.

In addition & as an after thought. I can't think of anything worse than the stress of a dog (who only wants you) as well as a new baby but each to their own OP. I hope things improve for you.

Honestly I don’t mean this in a patronising way but I think this is just having a 6 month old! Imo it’s one of the worse phases because they exhaustion really builds, you introduce food but you don’t really reduce milk and there is just and endless list of jobs and washing and chores. Your life doesn’t feel like your own, but that’s just part of it, it’s the phase and it does get better.
Do you go out socially with the baby? Make sure you are meeting mums for walks and coffees and bond with people in similar situations.
Your DH should be off for days at a time, you don’t need to spend it all together because that’s what you did before. Have him get up with the baby, sit in bed and have a coffee to yourself.
Go out while DH stays in while the baby naps just to get some fresh air and time to yourself.

Basically you need to carve this time out for yourself!

OP, every young parent feels like this. I remember when our screaming baby was 2 months old and we were sitting in the living room with DH having finally managed to put him to sleep - and it suddenly dawned on us - he is not going anywhere, he is staying with us forever! OMG! My advice is - don't mop and don't clean all the time. The world will not end if you leave that dirty cup on the table. It's warm finally - take the baby out for the whole day. Go to the park. Go shopping.Take the bottle with you. Enjoy your ice-cream and coffee while the baby sleeps. I planned my outings when I knew my son will have a nap. So I knew I would have 2 hours to myself outside while he naps in the pram. Don't waste that time to clean the house. Use it to rest and enjoy yourself. You have to learn to let it go. No wonder you are going mad if you are on your feet cleaning and cooking all the time!

And with the best will in the world, it sounds like your issue is a clingy baby, not a selfish husband as posters on here have been insisting. This phase is horrible but it will pass - temporary challenges don’t need life-changing, permanent solutions (whether that’s divorce or moving to Dubai).

It doesn’t sound like he’s opposed to looking after the baby himself while you go to a cafe or for a walk - the barrier is that the baby only seems to want you.

If you were to divorce him, you’d be leaving the baby alone with him part of the time, whether or not the baby was happy about it. So why can’t you do that now?

So what if the baby cries and makes a fuss? He/she is safe in the care of their father, who they need to establish a proper bond with. Leaving them alone together is the best way to make that happen.

OP my husband is an airline pilot and yes it can be bloody hard work and is not a family friendly vocation at all.

When our child was a baby it caused so many problems. He was away all the time, I was completely stuck on my own. I massively resented the time off he got in hotels and to just leave the house and have relative solitude. I was very angry for a long time.

mine ended up going part time a couple of years ago. Is this an option for you? It has massively helped our relationship.

I can also say that once your child gets older it will become easier too. When our child was 6 months old, I was just a shell of my former self and hugely depressed being left to parent on my own all the time. Things will get easier but I’m afraid the resentment won’t subside, you’ll just learn to deal with it. IMO part time is really the only way to deal with this issue.

PM me if you want to talk or offload! I really do understand how challenging it is.

Honestly, you are in the one of the hardest times of your lives. Both of you, insanely stressful and it sounds like you've had a really bad time. I know families who have moved to Dubai and love it. It's great for families but it's an individual decision. Could you take a recce holiday and see for yourself how you like it ? But IMO a move wouldn't solve relationship problems but equally certain things can take off the pressure, like extra help or rest. I think everyone deals with the same problems when baby comes along so dont feel alone and speaking a mum of a 3 year old, its so hard but things do change, and your feelings will change a lot over the next few years about everything. keep talking and hang on in there. sending positive vibes for you xx

I would consider a move to Dubai very seriously even if my relationship and MH was really good. It’s a huge step and could make you feel even more cut off and isolated than you do at the moment.

my advice would be to hang in there whilst you’re on maternity leave. Continue dealing with your mh via professionals, try to get out and about. I took my dd to all sorts of baby groups to get myself out of the house etc. if you can, cut down on some luxuries and pay for a cleaner or help in the home. Then thing about going back to work after your mat leave has ended. Not everyone’s cut out to be a SAHP. I certainly wasn’t and work really did help me, not just that I could be ‘me’ again and not just a mummy, but it also gave me purpose and a sense of independence. Initially I also went back 4 days a week but put my dd into nursery for 5 days, so I got a day to myself for my own sanity if nothing else.

I think it's awful when posters say things like do ABC or you will be 'forced' to be a SAHM. There are mothers who would give their all to have the privilege of being a SAHM & they just can't afford it. I had this privilege until my children started school & I loved every minute. I Then went back part time. Now they have flown the nest I WFH. I had days when I was stressed & exhausted but people who work full time have days when they too are exhausted & could run a mile. I wish people would stop spouting how bad the first years of a babies life are. What's more the same people inevitably go on to have more children. Children are a blessing & should be cherished every day.

Do not move to dubai.

I'd move and rent the house out as it maybe just be be a few years. I wouldn't lose a wealthy husband. Or could he change jobs and get a job with Ryanair or something and live close to the airport

Hi I’m not sure I can add much to your decision making but just wanted to empathise with you as I was in a similar position some years ago. My (now ex) dh was offered a job in Dubai and he knew I didn’t want to go but I said he had to make the final decide for his career. He decided not to take it (which was the right decision career wise as it turned out) but for me it was the beginning of the end as I knew I wouldn’t have gone with him if he’d decided to go! Wishing you love and strength. Xx

I'm sorry op, you are right in the thick of it but I promise you will feel better.

Don't move on maternity leave. Say you will consider once you have gone back to work and worked for say, a year. This will give you more options and you will know if you want to work, f/t, p/t etc.

Your PPD will hopefully be much improved by then, your baby will be older so you may feel more able to go out and have more of your own independent interests again.

Then you can decide about how you feel about moving to Dubai, rather than this all being wrapped up with other issues in your life, home and marriage.

I would move to Dubai. It might be a nice easy pleasant life for a few years. Rather than struggle as a single parent with less money. And you aren't happy now in your situation. Sometimes none of the alternatives are what you want and you just have to choose the best one. I'd move.

First of all don't move abroad: if you did then split, you could be left stuck in dubai unable to take your own child home. I couldn't live in dubai.

Totally get how you feel, sometimes it seems like being alone would be easier. I think you should get beyond the first year and see how you feel before divorcing. It's a time of a lot of upheaval and strong emotions.

I know this doesn't answer your current feelings. But I think it will get easier once you are back to work. Fingers crossed OP

Is there any way that he could sleep somewhere else, e.g. his parents. You sound financially stretched but do you have any savings you could use for a fully insulated garden room that he could have a bedroom in?

At least solving that issue would mean you could feel less controlled in your own home.

Do you love your husband? You don't mention that at all.

I can't see Dubai solving your problems.

But I'm also not sure if you should make big decisions in your current state. Take your time. Can you go and stay somewhere with a parent, friend, go on a break with a mum pal with kids?

I think you need a bit of space and perspective before you make any decisions.

Some of your issues seem to be that you can't enjoy your own home properly and that will only get worse.

Where would you ideally be based? Would it be worth trying to buy a less expensive home (that could be just yours if you go that route) and he stays in a hotel before his travel?

I live in an area with a lot of offshore workers. You may find that having him totally away on a rotation is easier than having him there but not there.

I also think you should see how you feel once back at work as that will give you a different outlet. Many of us don't like being at home all the time.

My expectation is that, that man, who knows the implications of his job, would do his utmost to make his dwife life easier. For her sake and the sake if his own child .

Not expect a grown up adult to eat at 4.30pm because he fits with him but no one else in the house.
Not expect that a move to Dubai will solve all the issues ‘because @Klaudea will get help with cleaning so she won’t be able to moan anymore’ whilst refusing to look at the broader issues within the marriage. Including HIS behaviour (not his job) and his attitude towards her illness (because there is nothing in the OP’s posts about how he has supported her on that. Which I assume he did nothing of any relevance).

Id expect him to take some responsibility in the current situation. Which so far, he doesn’t seem to do.

Absolutely don't move to Dubai or divorce - your baby is 6 months old and it is obvious you yourself are struggling hugely with a huge life-changing event and are finding it incredibly hard to go on like this. You must find the support of your extended family/in-laws or a childminder as an urgent matter. I would not pressure DH to wake up in a middle of a night to care for a baby when he has a 12h flight next day. You both need to find a different solution. 3,5k mortgage is insane - you need a nanny to survive next 3-6 months until you go back to work - the nursery will certainly cost you extra 2k per month where you live! Can you even afford it? Think it over or you will be forced to become a SAHM!

Divorce is a better option than moving to Dubai. The Middle East is a no-go area for western women (or any women who believe they should have rights approaching those men have, let alone equal to or better than men).

The reason "home help" is cheap is because people are exploited. If you want to employ desperate people from Asia on a paltry wage that is akin to modern slavery, you don't need to move to the Middle East anyway, ask around and you can find undocumented immigrants to do the work for you in this country.

So what is your expectation here? He should retrain for a new career? That will likely take years and have significant financial implications.

I agree with everyone else, give it some thought until you fully recover from PPD.

My friends came back from Dubai because they wanted to give their children an European education and be closer to family from both countries and they regret it now. Dubai obviously has its downsides but they grew used to the make perks and expensive lifestyle. His wife is beside herself even though they moved to her family’s country lol.

Ah. He would have a nanny and a cleaner when you divorce and cannot return with your resident DCs.

No,No,No.

@Klaudea a few things
1- seeing how hard things are atm, do NOT move to Dubai. You’d be stuck there if things get even worse. You’d loose your network that currently supports you (I’m thinking psychiatrist, family, friends). It’s the last thing you want to do

2- I’d have doubts that he is trying to offer a solution by proposing something he wants and you’ve said No to many times…. If anything, it looks like he is trying to use the fa t you’re more vulnerable now and therefore more likely to say Yes.

3- if he is besotted with his child and would want 50/50, then it means he CAN make it work 50/50. And that he can do that NOW. The question is: why on earth would he wait to be separated to step up??

4- he isn’t nice and considerate if he is insisting for your life to only cater to him (eating early, no noise etc… ) whilst he isn’t making any effort himself.
eg he could eat at 4.30pm but not expect you to do so. He could prepare the meal for both of you, eat and leave things out for you when you’re ready later.

5- please do not become a SAHM. It’s going to drive you crazy.

If the idea is to try and make it work, I’d actually look at how much time you do have for yourself. How much your life is organised around him.
Tally it up. For yourself.
I suspect you’ll find some things are maybe non negociable. Like going to bed early if he needs to get up early the next day. Just like a shift worker.
But how much of the rest of your life is organised around him? Eating dinner together at 4.30pm because it works for him doesn’t have to happen for example. He could do ALL the night shifts when he is home (rather than some of them). Etc etc…