Dubai move or divorce

I think most of us felt very similar to you with our first born. It completely changes your life which now revolves around the baby. Slightly in defense of your husband, if he’s a pilot he’s in a safety critical role so sleep is important. My husband worked away from home and that wasn’t going to change so I built my own schedule, made mum friends on an internet app and paid for a babysitter to help out for a couple of hours once or twice a week so I could just get some time out. You can’t change is his schedule so you need to take charge of what you are in control of x

I don't want to make you feel worse OP but now imagine feeling this way, stuck in the ME and no way to leave because they can easily take away yours and baby's passports should your husband try to stop you. I really would not be moving under these circumstances.

If you were fine with it pre baby I’d think it’s more your PND that’s talking. (I had PNP and know how much it affects your thinking)

You knew what sort of life you’d have and was happy with it, maybe wait until you’re back at work with more normality around you before you make any major life moves. Being a single parent will not be automatically better, he won’t be able to parent 50/50 (and no court would make him), in fact you’d be expected to work contact around his shift patterns which can make life really hard when they don’t have regular shifts. (My friend was an attendant and her ex had the kids, he had to work around her shifts and he couldn’t plan anything).

have you spoken to your psychiatrist about how you’re feeling?

I divorced my DDs Father because be simply didn’t do his share. Of anything! I figured if we were apart at least he’d have to do 50% of the parenting. It will be seven years this summer since he last seen our daughters. Your husband appears to prioritise his career over you and your DC. That won’t change. You can’t make him step up.

It sounds like you’re ready to divorce before you decide could your mum or dh have dc and you go away for a weekend somewhere to chill. It might be what you need to recharge your mind it is very hard work to be a mum and it can be very lonely it might get easier when you get back to work as you will probably have child care or a nursery then you could do your thing and if this still making you feel trapped then discuss a divorce and custody but if your dh is away a lot it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be here anymore than he is now.

It sounds very much like you are still struggling greatly with PPD op. Divorcing your husband is not the answer to time to yourself. And you said he pulls his weight when he isnt working. Its more than reasonable he needs rest before flying.

This sounds like its the responsibility the baby has brought is the issue, thats what has taken your freedom, not your husbands job. Could you join some mother and baby groups and meet some other mums? As baby gets older it would be great to have other mums and toddlers for play dates, a coffee and a chat, even childcare. Babies are so tough but it does get easier. I think getting back to work if and when will really help you.

Best of luck x

I so feel your pain😪😪 I was 42 when my DD was born, and although I loved her more than life I desperately didn't want to be stuck at home with her, made worse as she was a winter baby so I couldn't get out much. I was very unwell after delivery and I think that contributed to ppd. I used to wake up every morning and cry, then just put on a brave face and get on with it. I told no one until I burst into tears at my 6 week check and was prescribed
anti d's. I had a very supportive family but Dh merrily went to.work.everyday and often worked overtime, not coming back until I was asleep. I hung on in but many years later wondered how I did it,. Please make sure you do only what is best for you and baby, moving, nannies, cleaners, none of this will help because the root cause is still there, keep up with your treatment and stay where you feel.safe. sending hugs🥰🥰

Totally agree. When I had a small baby, I thought oh no what have I done, and was experiencing anxiety. But it got better after 4 months when dc slept more throughout the night. Unfortunately having a young baby is like Groundhog Day but sounds like your DH does his share when not working. Fair enough you doing the baby care the night before DH gets up for an early flight. I get that your life has totally changed, but that comes with the territory of having a young baby. Do you go out to baby groups, meet like minded new mums? Do you still see friends? Can a family member have baby for a few hours while you go for a long walk etc? I don’t think moving to Dubai will fix this, you will be even further for your support network and will be often alone in a new place while DH is off working

You are at a very difficult stage of life. Being at home with a very young baby is isolating and exhausting. You probably resent your husband carrying on like he always has while you are on “ Groundhog Day” it will get better when your baby gets older and starts going to clubs/nursery and you go back to work . I wouldn’t make any big decisions just yet but do talk to husband about how you feel . You have had a lot of readjustment, he has not

Firstly, I absolutely wouldn’t move to Dubai. You’re just shifting the problem to a different part of the world. One where you’d probably feel even more isolated.

Secondly, I think this is somewhat just down to having a young baby and being largely on your own. It’s hard. Really hard! So don’t make any rash decisions right now.

Right now, your DH needs to facilitate you having a bit of ‘me’ time when he’s on days off. Even if that’s just a lie in and a long bath/dog walk/coffee shop etc. You need a break too.

Also, I don’t know how feasible it is to move but your mortgage is eye watering for a three bedroom standard house! Could you move to somewhere a bit cheaper and pay for some help? Nanny/cleaner/nursery? Anything to just give you a break?

This all sounds like normal having a baby drudgery.

I dreamt of divorce all of the time! I needed a break! In reality what I needed was to go back to work and get a bit of me back 😂

Hang in there. It will get better.

If needed I would downsize, move to a cheaper area and spend the money on childcare.

Wonderful advice. I think we could all learn from it!

I think that is your issue actually he isn’t listening, he isn’t trying to see what small minor things he could do to make your life easier all he wants is to make the move he wants all along

I forgot yo add, one thing that happened when I got half a day on my own once a week was that I stopped feeling resentment to DH and that helped our marriage.

I can't think of anything worse than living in Dubai. It would be divorce and co-parenting for me!

You are almost verbatim describing how I felt. And many friends felt the same. It is common. The baby year is groundhog days. I remember feeling overjoyed to need root canal treatment because it meant I could sit in a dentist's chair all by myself for two hours. Twice.😆 I felt sick with jealousy at my husband's daily rush hour commute. He might be straphanging with strangers' BO in his nostrils but at least he could think his own thoughts.

Three things I did that massively changed my life

1. have a half day (4 hours) to yourself every week. The rest of the weekend/husband's time off, you spend together. But you need half a day, once a week. Get haircut, read a book, go for coffee. It's vital that your husband understands this. And if he feels it's unfair to land him alone after he's worked all week, point out how hard it is for you to keep doing what he's finding hard to do for only four hours, every hour of every day without even being able to pee in peace. Men don't get it. They can't unless we share the load, explain clearly and unemotionally, and state our needs without ambiguity.

2. Go out of the house every day and have a conversation with an adult. Join playgroups, church baby groups, baby swimming, baby yoga, baby music etc. These are for the mothers' sanity. Try and chat about something other than the baby at times. (Can be hard - new mums are obsessive) These may be temporary friendships, you may only have new motherhood in common. It doesn't matter. Summer is on its way. You can hang out together on walks and picnics in the park. Keep an eye on each other's babies while you go to the loo or take a phone call, share tips on sleep, weaning, good babysitters, cleaners etc. Crack in-jokes. Occasionally get to talk about TV shows or books or careers.

3. Get a sitter and do something once a week with DH. Not dinner or drinks. You are knackered and have no conversation. Go to a film, a comedy night, a gig. Do something you can chat about afterwards.

My Gran was in a similar situation, told my Grandad she felt like a single Mum so might as well be one. He enjoyed going out with friends, working etc while she looked after 3 sons at home, not being allowed to work. In the end after alot of words, she got a part time job, started having Saturday as her time, Grandad would have Friday night and the rest of the time they shared everything from childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. It took some work but they wanted to be together and were for 60 years. Stay strong, put yourself first, Gran always said never forget the person you were before you have a family, that you enriches your family.

This os an option you can look at as well. I was back tonwork after my first was 4.5m too, and my 2nd was nearly 6m.
Really valid point!

Don't move, you will feel even more isolated.

I think also you have to keep your DH’s career in perspective with other routes not taken. If your DH wasn’t a pilot, surely he probably would’ve done something equally ambitious or demanding (but in a different way) because that’s the type of man he is?

But do please get some additional support in the meantime. I found a lovely retired lady for occasional childcare (who had worked with children) who was very happy to work ad-hoc to top up her pension. Just start asking around - you will find someone.

OP start another post about dealing with a clingy baby. That seems to be the major issue here. You are prioritising baby’s clinginess over your mental health and that needs to change.

I haven’t had a clingy baby to that extent so can’t give good advice on how to deal with it but others will be able to. My thoughts are that you need to go out by yourself when DH is home and he needs to deal with baby. Start with going out every time baby naps. Have your stuff ready and just go out the door. I don’t see any reason why that should be a problem. DH can use the time to do meal prep and other stuff to help you out for the times he is away. You can have couple time in the evening.

Omg yes I remember many occasions where my husband was delayed hours getting home because there was a strike in France, or something had broken on the aircraft, or someone had called in sick or…..(insert myriad of other reasons!)

you are at the peak in terms of (potential) PND, your baby being at a difficult age, lack of support, wondering what the fuck you’ve done to your life etc. in the early days I bitterly regretted having a baby with a pilot husband. I really didn’t think it would be as hard as it was. I remember meeting new people at baby groups etc and they would get all giddy when they found out he was a pilot as if we lived some glamorous lifestyle and I would have literally traded for him to do ANYTHING else. I fantasised about him doing a 9-5 office job and used to cry when all my friends husbands would be back from work at 6pm and around all weekend. I did so much alone. One of the big reasons why we only had one child!

@MalleusMaleficarumm - you’re being a twat, so I guess it takes one to know one. I wasn’t explaining anything to you specifically, or I would have done @MalleusMaleficarumm . I was clarifying a post that was potentially unhelpful to anyone reading it, given that you didn’t specify your advice about flexibility for captains was limited to “the orange” airline.

As many others have said, you are knee deep in the hardest stage. Pretty much everyone has been through this. My first child screamed all night for the first year and had exceedingly bad reflux. I was covered in vomit 100% of the time. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I had conversations asking ourselves ‘what have we done??’.

I can wholeheartedly tell you though- It does get better but the first year is miserable.

Sorry I’m assuming you missed the part where I said my DH is a pilot? Don’t be a twat, how you’ve explained it isn’t how it works at every airline so stop patronising me