Dubai move or divorce

Well he is wrong. So you don't have to accept this narrative OP.

It sounds more like the reality of motherhood is hitting you hard, rather than your husbands job. You don't get to be a 50/50 parent while you're on maternity leave and your husband is working. Parents of new babies, even if the working parent has a 9 to 5 job, don't tend to have great social lives. It can be a bit of a slog, and you have PND to add to this.

I'm a single parent and I really can't see your situation improving if you get divorced. You end up with less money, as two homes to keep, and when your baby is with you, you have to do everything - you want to go for a walk you bring him with you, you want to have a shower, you bring him with you.

You also may not like the reality of your baby being away from you for 50% of the time.

As your DH works different shifts, do you expect him to get a nanny to look after the baby while he's working outside of creche time?

I think you need to work out the practicalities of divorce, and how you would manage. If it's that you want the freedom to have time for yourself that you had before you had your baby, then you could use childcare - nanny, au pair, creche or childdminder, and your DH can look after the baby on the evenings/nights when he's not flying the next day.

Once you're back in work you'll have more of your life back - being a SAHM doesn't seem like something you want to do, so don't.

Going to Dubai would be an awful idea, as pps have said, you could end up stuck there if you split when you're over there, and you wouldn't have a job.

An alternative is that your husband gets a new job, with regular hours - aviation management or training perhaps, or something totally different to use his skills of decision making under pressure etc.

This is so true!

Hang in there for now. Join some baby groups and get your own routine. Don’t agree to ME but also don’t make any major changes until you are sure you are fully back to your normal self.

Paid help won’t make you actually happy- I’d assume it’s loneliness and distance that’s getting you down as opposed to something a cleaner can fix. I don’t know about the divorce but unless you’ve always wanted to live there do not go x

You've recently had a baby. You are full of hormones and not sleeping. The world will not still look or feel like this again soon enough. You will find ways to be yourself and get things done.

Be totally and utterly honest with hubby. Do not move to Dubai. Make sure he lets you do something for yourself every single day. You decide what, you both agree when e.g. 30 min for a shower and pamper, 20 min for a walk, he does the washing etc. He looks after baby.

Keep up the therapy. Hang on in there.

Is he longhaul? Would moving to shorthaul give him less time away?

Why on earth are some of you telling a woman with PPD, an extremely young baby and struggling with the transition of motherhood to DIVORCE her DH? This doesn’t sound at all like a marriage problem - more like a woman who (no offence!) is used to being self-centred - work, gym, dinners out, socialising etc and trying to adjust to life as a new mum.

OP - do you love your husband and want your marriage to work? If the answer is yes, then divorce isn’t your first option.

As other posters have said, this is a huge adjustment in your life, but one that isn’t your DH’s fault, this has always been his job/ life - which you obviously knew, but you’re struggling with your new life. You WILL go back to work. You WILL get your life back (slowly but surely). You WILL find your new normal, even if it takes a little time. There are many options to consider, and it is normal to feel some resentment that DH’s life doesn’t seem to have changed, but yours has massively. I can assure you the majority of mums have all felt like this!! It’s okay to be pissed off, but you need to take a step back and look at this objectively.

I think many new Mums have what you’re describing, whether your DH is a pilot, postman or fisherman. I remember those early days and my DH rang me to say he was going to home late (so say 7pm rather than 5.45pm) and I remember thinking it was the end of the world as I’d been home all day with the baby. I just couldn’t stand a minute longer of being in the house. I couldn’t believe the freedom he had and it made me seething with jealousy, anger and every other emotion. He worked a relatively normal office job but was out of the house say 8am-6pm

What you’re describing is just how it feels to go from having a fun, professional, independent life to being stuck home with a baby.

I wouldn’t do anything rash whilst you’re in this phase. I wouldn’t leave him and I wouldn’t move either.

He is right to prioritise sleep the night before he is on duty in-flight. Everything else sounds really rubbish though OP and you have my sympathy.
Don't move to Dubai, it's an absolute hole.
However, although there will be new challenges with it, I wonder if things will improve for you when you get back to work. You won't be so isolated and you will be able to be yourself more (at work at least)

This isn’t at night though or about sleep - presumably this is before he goes to bed he can’t do it so he is I assume ring fencing an awful lot ofntime

needing a full nights sleep is yes of course necessary but is this going beyond that he can’t parent at all the evening before?

Whatever you do, don't move to the ME. It's an utterly alienating environment for you, you won't have friends or family out there and as far as I can see, your lifestyle where you only see your DH some of the time and your family time is massively compromised would continue. You might well be able to get childcare or cleaner as part of the deal/employment but where would that leave you? Would you be able to take up your career out there or start a new one? Socialise with your friends?

Plus, Dubai of all hellholes - it's a corrupt, superficial place, a thin veneer of Westernisation with brutal morality laws and built over a superstructure of abuse and slavery. Why anyone thinks it's a cool place to holiday, let alone live, defeats me.

If you stayed here and separated, I would hope your DH, whom you say is devoted to your baby, would not make this move because he may well not see her very much at all - is he going to be able to have custody visits in between flights??

It's all very well for people to say, yes you have been naive to think marriage and a family with a pilot would work out - but he's also been naive/selfish to think his uncompromising job would fit around family life.

Absolutely this

Have you thought about going back to work a bit earlier? It may be a ridiculous suggestion, only you know how you feel but when mine were little maternity leave was shorter and I felt much better at work. I was validated by my work, it gave me purpose and routine. I also felt more equitable with my husband. I loved my babies but I was no domestic goddess. I felt trapped and miserable. So I happily went back to work and it forced serious conversations about how we managed a baby with us both working. I felt more able to put my foot down. He should of course be playing his full part without any need for that but you are obviously unhappy and things need to change.

Oh and one possible reply to the Dubai argument is just no, absolutely hard line because of their human rights record, restrictions on women and laws about gay people. Doesn't matter how much of a bubble it is for ex-pats, just a hard no on principle. Not a suitable place to bring up your child.

Get angry if need be, not apologetic. Beware of him setting the agenda as a subtle form of power - avoid getting sucked into big conversations about Dubai when you have already said no. There comes a point where he needs to accept that or he is just being disrespectful.

Then yes it’s his right. Me and my partner work for an airline so I understand . He needs to prioritise his sleep. He might be besotted with the baby but Op said he won’t look after the baby even with a nanny about. Somethings changed and he can’t forever blame work.

@Klaudea So, you're still on maternity leave - when do you return to work? Do you not think you will feel better when you do go back as you will have the intellectual stimulation of work during the day plus interaction with colleagues? And could you not invite friends and/or colleagues around to yours for dinner or a takeaway to recover some of your social life?
I really don't see how moving to Dubai would help just because you could afford a nanny and cleaner. You'd need to establish a whole new friendship group (leaving behind your family/friends here) and you don't know how hard that could be.
I think as a pp has suggested - if you can, delay any decision until your return to work to see if that helps with your feelings of isolation and tedium.
Best of luck OP.

Do you have friends in Dubai? Everyone there mostly works. You might be very lonely and actually feel worse in Dubai with DH away so much - unless you can work too? Also it is very expensive.

I agree.
Just because he needs to eat dinner at 4.45 doesn't mean you have to. Baby will need a better routine as they get bigger than fitting in around DH anyway.
Try and get out to baby groups, see old friends etc. build a baby friendly social life. Set your life up in a way that suits you, and when DH's schedule allows, have a nice evening meal together etc.
It's sounds like you have always lives your life around his routine and that's not good.

I think what a lot of these replies are missing is that the reason @Klaudea is suggesting divorce at all is because she feels totally disrespected by her husband and unsupported. His life has just carried on unchanged; hers has completely transformed and she didn’t realise that he would treat her as he has following babies arrival. I suspect op feels trapped because she needs more help- and what’s he saying to her? He’s saying ‘well if you want more help- I won’t change - but we can move to Dubai and pay for someone else to support you?’ Which in itself shows a lack of respect. Hell he could even change job for a while to help his family through this period. What choices does op have here - move across the world or go it alone as a single parent? That’s a crap choice he’s put on the table and I suspect it feels like a slap in the face because op’s just grown and nurtured and birthed and now caring for - his baby. X

Could downsizing help so that your mortgage is not as big.? The possibility of a nanny or au pair and other help might be more likely if your mortgage is not so large. I was wondering do you go to any mum and baby event. Have you got friends and family that you can see. It sounds like you are very much on your own and not getting much help from your DH. I agree with other people the Dubai option does not sound a good idea. You seem so sad I really hope things improve for you.

Do not move to the ME with a wobbly marriage. You will.have very different rights over divorce and particularly custody of the baby if you split.

If DH knows things are wobbly, the cynic in me thinks maybe this is why he is suggesting it.

When you have a child, moving abroad to “save” your marriage is a huge, absolutely enormous risk.

If the choice really is that or divorce, then divorce.

But I agree with the first poster that you should try going back to work and seeing if you can find a better rhythm if it’s just the schedule with your DH’s job.

If you divorce you won’t magically have more help in the evening will you? And presumably DH would be fitting in his contact time around his schedule. So you’ll likely be just as tied to the house. It sounds like you feel lonely in part because when DH is there as he effectively heads off to prioritise his sleep. Which is somewhat understandable given his job. You might look at ways DH can get the sleep he needs without disrupting your life. An annex/garden room he can sleep in so you can still be as noisy in the house as you like. Maybe you could develop a schedule that takes you and the baby off out when you want - visit your parents, if you have a bit of cash get a camper van and head off to a campsite, etc. You used to busy and that’s probably why you weren’t lonely then. If you can be busy again, you might find life better. They grow up relatively fast and things change. You do need to make sure he sacrifices, not just you, though.

You Sound like me @Klaudea
husband not a pilot but we have v similar set up to you where I am alone. I already live abroad (we have done for long time even before baby). Don’t move to Dubai. Do find a babysitter and use them to give yourself some break. If you can’t rely on your husband for the childcare, get someone else on hand - I did this and the woman is my savior! It does get easier as baby gets older. I found 6-9m really really hard actually, I look back very negatively on that entire period; it was the hardest for me and I hated it. I felt at 18m-2yrs we really turned a corner and now he’s 3 I feel like I have so much more time and the stress on the dynamic of me and DH is much better… not gone totally but much better.

Ive survived it.. I’m enjoying it somewhat now. I will say me and DH are in a better place. I will also say I probably won’t have a second baby with him because of how much I resented his freedom and me having to bend my life to accommodate it. I also insist on a financial set up that I am very secure with and feel is ‘fair’ given the unequal load at home. Lots of luck to you xxxx

Absolutely do not do Dubai. You need to reclaim your life, not give more of it away.

Controversial but might going back to work help? I've only worked PT since my kids were born and now SAH but even I felt that going back to work saved my sanity when they were little.

It sounds like your basic problem is that your husband is not seeing you as a main character in this. Work is one way not only to reclaim yourself, but also address a power imbalance that he sounds rather keen to push. I just don't think (essentially) servants would address how you feel about this marriage and your life. However beware of making big, life changing decisions when you are exhausted and sleep deprived.

My dh is a pilot too. You can't expect him to be responsible for a baby the night before his shift, even if the baby is asleep, what happens if the baby wakes up? I felt very low the first 9 months or so and still feel resentful sometimes years on about the tiptoeing around when he has an early shift, but it's part of the job. I think you should hang on in there as it sounds like you worked well before the baby, hopefully you can get back there.