Dubai move or divorce

This x100!

Do NOT make any major life changes.

Urgently schedule an appointment with your doctor to ask about post-natal depression. It is very real and can knock you sideways. PANDAS is a charity that focuses on PND...maybe give them a call?

Do you have family that you are on good terms with? Mom / aunt / sister / cousin / grandma? Or a close friend who has had a baby? Reach out and talk to them as they have been there with hormones raging and swinging.

Do you have a faith group? New moms groups at church can be a lifeline and I would think other religions will have some similar support for new moms.

Can you afford a cleaner 1-2 times a week? Or at least a laundry service. If yes, get help! If you can afford a meal prep service, or order takeout on occasion, do so!

Finally, your initial schedule should revolve around the baby. Please try to get some rest whenever baby is sleeping. Your DH can microwave a meal for 4:45pm and then sleep using noise canceling headphones...it is ridiculous to expect an infant to understand/follow a schedule!

Take care and wishing you the best OP.

I’ve never replied to a thread before (long time lurker) however I feel qualified to answer this one. My husband was previously a pilot, he remains a shift worker in a very inflexible and demanding job with irregular and long shifts. Since our son was born 10 years ago, I’ve been the one who’s had to organise my work life to ensure I always have flexibility to do all drop offs and pick ups and other miscellaneous child related stuff. (Ironically I actually have a more highly paid and successful career which makes it even more annoying.) my husband has the same issues around protected quiet time for sleep etc and like you OP, prior to our son’s birth I was extremely independent; including taking a lot of short term contract work away from home. I bitterly resented the unequal load placed on me after our son’s birth, including the fact that my first response to any invitation was to have to check my husbands roster. I felt so lonely in the first few years of my son’s life. I also contemplated divorce many times.

I have no advice on whether you should move to the Middle East, or whether to divorce but I can tell you the advice I would have given myself 10 years ago if that’s helpful.

• Do NOT organise your life around your husband’s roster. Organise your own life (including meal times) and regular activities including regular paid childcare.
• Accept you will pay for a service you don’t need when your husband is available.
• If your husband wants special family time then get him to nominate this time and put it in a shared calendar (get a shared google calendar if you don’t have one already where his roster and your activities and plans are). He’s the one with irregular work hours and so should be the one organising around this. Accept this will mean that you may end up taking the baby out when he’s available (because you’ve already pre-planned something).
• Your husband needs to invest in some good ear plugs and soundproof the bedroom. If this still doesn’t work then he’ll need to use a hotel room prior to a flight (which he can organise).

I think so too.

Op, I am sure you will be able to afford a cleaner and a nanny when you are back at work, you are a professional woman and your husband is a pilot, it is achievable. Then meals can be organised at different times for him and he can maybe have a bedroom away from you and the baby when he has to get up at the crack of dawn.

It could be workable as long as you both want it, without moving so far away.

I loved growing up in Dubai, it was the best experience

My DH has done shift work for the last 18 years- we’ve been together 23 years. For context he isn’t a high earner and his job isn’t life or death. Pre children it was ok, I worked very long hours so it wouldn’t have made a huge difference during the week as I was often in the office late and there was a fair amount of required socialising with my job. He worked every other weekend but after a busy week I was happy relaxing, seeing friends etc. So it was ok for the most part.

Before we had DC I said I didn’t think it was sustainable long term for him to do shift work. Not just the weekends but the late shifts getting home at midnight, the very early starts on the earlies weeks- all very disruptive. After I had DC it was ok during my mat leave as I had good mum friends locally and although his working late nights and weekends wasn’t great, he had more days off than he would have done with a mon- Fri job so it was swings and roundabouts really. Both sets of DGPs were the other end of the country and weekends were often a bit lonely for me but I was ok.

I went back to work PT and found it really hard- I have some serious health issues and working in a stressful job with a long commute 25 hours a week and then single parenting every other weekend, never being able to get into a proper routine because of DH shifts, having sleep disrupted by his early starts and late finishes meant I really resented him. His pay wasn’t worth the sacrifice either- I felt he was getting all the benefits of shift work and I was getting all the downsides. He had a lot more free time than me as the days I worked DC was in childcare- often those were his non working days but not routinely so, so we had to have childcare on them and then we’d paid for it so felt we should use it, plus it helped Dc to be in a routine etc.

finally this year DH has moved to a mon-Fri role. Same salary. It’s been life changing for me and for our family as a whole. It’s not as great for DH as he gets less downtime/ time to himself as he has no days off in the week alone. But the shift work was taking a toll on him physically and, after 18 years of doing what suited/ was best for DH, it’s very much time for him to put what’s best for me and DC first in my view!

so solidarity and sympathy OP- parenting with a shift worker is hard. Do not move to Dubai as I think that would be a mistake for you. Try to build your own career, own interests in the meantime and it does get easier as DC get older - this age is super hard and time f pir yourself is important, try to carve that out for yourself and your DS regardless of DH’s schedule. Definitely also try to carve out your own free time when DH isn’t working- there’s no reason he can’t have DS overnight when he’s in the middle of a rest period for example. I think realistically he’s not going to be able to go 50/50 on childcare, chores etc the way that a non shift worker could because of the nature of his work, but he can step up on the days when he’s not working.

“Moveoverdarlin · Yesterday 23:20
I think many new Mums have what you’re describing, whether your DH is a pilot, postman or fisherman. I remember those early days and my DH rang me to say he was going to home late (so say 7pm rather than 5.45pm) and I remember thinking it was the end of the world as I’d been home all day with the baby. I just couldn’t stand a minute longer of being in the house. I couldn’t believe the freedom he had and it made me seething with jealousy, anger and every other emotion. He worked a relatively normal office job but was out of the house say 8am-6pm
What you’re describing is just how it feels to go from having a fun, professional, independent life to being stuck home with a baby.
I wouldn’t do anything rash whilst you’re in this phase. I wouldn’t leave him and I wouldn’t move either.”

@Moveoverdarlin has nailed it. This with bells on. Things will get easier as your child gets older. This early part feels relentless but it gets easier and more fun. It’s good if you can socialise with other new mums and get out and about a bit.

Going against the grain here but I think you will like dubai. It’s not as scary as MN seems to think. I have plenty of family and friends who live out there and love it. There’s a lot to keep busy with and the addition of help means you can keep busy if you want to as you did prior to having the baby. It also sounds like you may benefit from some more psych help to heal. Sending hugs OP.

Op you cant seriously think him not having the baby the night before a long flight is unreasonable? He will be absolutely tired to fly a plane the next day!!! Gently (because I know how low you must feel) - can you see a dr and explain how you’re feeling or get some medication?

Making such an important decision whilst you are unsettled, unhappy, resentful and possibly tired isn’t a good idea. It’s not a good idea because any conclusion would/will be biased.

Perhaps if you decide to return to work, get some semblance of balance, get in the right head space, THEN make a decision (if one still needs to be made), re your future, and Dubai. You sound like an independent person, one who I tentatively suggest, won’t, long term be content with living life vicariously through your husband. I do wish you well.

Fair and reasonable
He sounds like a decent man

He wants to move to Dubai so he can afford to pay someone else to do his role as a father, or perhaps do the housework so that you can be both mother and father.

So if you divorce him, he is NOT going to change his job and his priorities and have your child’s 50;50. He will end up seeing his child for a few hours a couple of times a month, at times that suit him and not you or baby.

Then he will have a new partner quickly and see even less of baby.

Im just saying this so you have a realistic of what will happen . You are still going to be doing it all. Now you may find that easier than dealing with the rows and resentment of dealing with a partner who does nothing and being able to run your life in a way that suits you ( I certainly do ). And good quality paid help is often a great deal better than a useless Husband.

In the meantime , you need to get some paid help now. You need that more than a 3 bed house ( for one couple and a baby ). And you don’t need to worry about schools when your child is 6 months old.

Your mental and physical health is more important so he will just have to find the money.or you will have a breakdown or leave him. If you have a breakdown, he will need to take compassionate leave to care for baby . That and / or a divorce are more expensive than some help.

I bet you that while you are struggling for lack of say, 8 hours help a week, he is still stashing away loads every month into his pension. So I bet he can find gthe money.

Then you can see how you feel in 6 months and then leave him if you still feel the same way.

You have just had a baby which is a major life change irrespective of your husband's career.
You are vulnerable and lonely which can impact on your thought processes.
Please don't make any major decisions right now.
Meeting new mums and getting out for walks etc can help relieve the loneliness.
Very isolating and scary being at home with a young baby.
Hang on in there, you are not alone.
Your feelings are experienced by many.
Please speak to your husband

OP you are feeling what a lot of women do after they have a baby and you are projecting this onto your husband and being angry with him, Why are you so dependant on him for happiness? Having a baby is fing hard. Fing hard! No one can prepare you for how relentless it is. But the part I can’t get my head around is that he is in the same job doing the same things and now you are just mad at him for it. This is so unreasonable.

The first year especially kinda sucks and instead of being angry at him for continuing as normal maybe also consider that pilots do also have a lot of time at home and unless have long layovers aren’t away for weeks. They are also home for days at a time.

Your life has drastically changed and it’s relentless and his life seems to go on as normal. This resentment is totally normal.

Hes trying to solve the problem by getting you more help and support by moving. It may not be favourable but he’s trying.

Sorry OP I don’t think you are meaning to but YABU.

Moving to a country where you have fewer rights will not fix your marriage and it will not help you feel less vulnerable.

he isn’t going to magically start doing his share of parenting if you divorce. If he can’t have the baby at night, how could he possibly have the child 50% of the time? You won’t be able to work and find childcare around his work schedule. You will need a predictable custody schedule.

That would mean he has to do what every other parent does and find childcare around his work and deal with the fact that sometimes being a parent is inconvenient. Much more likely he is going to ask that the child only visits on days he isn’t working and never stays overnight before a work day. He will want you to continue this arrangement in separate houses.

Before you make any decisions, I would suggest counseling. A neutral 3rd party may help the two of you navigate this. He needs to understand that being a man with a big important job doesn’t take priority over being a parent. If not, you are likely to continue in your current pattern whether you are still a couple or divorced.

Dubai is an awful place to live, regardless of how much help you can afford. After eighteen months I told my DP that I was leaving for London and if he didn’t follow, I’d end our ten-year relationship.

Say you move to Dubai and still feel like this.

There are legal ramification to this.

If you said no to Dubai and he's still pushing I'm sensing that hes potentially being coercive, by offering the 'perfect solution' and turning you into the bad guy for saying now.

You are not coping. He doesn't want to step up. He wants to side step and force you into a situation you don't want and makes you exceptionally vulnerable. He does not respect you.

As because he doesn't respect you, the move to Dubai won't work for you. It will just be more of the same but without the emotional support of your mother - hes trying to separate you from family. Which is why I suggest coercion at play.

Getting a nanny there isn't a solution for you. Its a solution for him. He doesn't have to lift a finger and he gets his dream job. If things go wrong, you may be forced to put up with it or the nanny gets custody whilst hes working not you.

Your mental health needs to be the priority here. No idea what kind of care you would get in Dubai but suspect it would not be great.

I think you need to go back to work now if possible and find a way to get regular exercise. I also think that you and DH need to have a discussion about what he does and when. It is fair enough that he does not look after baby the night before a flight. But what does he contribute during his time off? Do you ever get to go out for a full day? Or are you still the primary parent when he is home? Can you start going back to the gym when he is home? I know it will be tricky to go at a regular time but I think the priority should be getting there at least twice a week.

I would also say a firm no to Dubai and tell him that he is sending a very clear message about how little he cares for you and your wellbeing if he raises it again.

This is a really tough time for you but you will get through it. Wishing you all the best. Don't beat yourself up for not realising what it would be like - it's impossible to know when you've never been a parent before.

I’m a single parent to twins, so I know what it feels like to be trapped in the house every evening.

Could you get a babysitter once a week - say every Thursday evening. Then you know that’s your evening for “you” - to go to gym/out for a walk/meet friends/ go for dinner/go late-night shopping / do a hobby/ etc. Even if your DH is home on a Thursday, still go out since it’s your night.

What is your plan for childcare when you go back to work after maternity leave?

Would you be able to work in Dubai? If you went to Dubai, stayed a year, and then your marriage broke down, would you be able to bring your child home or would he be able to keep the child there against your will? Concerned that you could be trapped.

Don't agree to a move to Dubai unless you absolutely have to - which it sounds like you don't. Equally, don't go down the divorce route just yet. You're exhausted, you're practically solo parenting and it's clear that you're burnt out and need some extra support - and some time to be 'you'. I think most of us have got to that point during MAT leave. The idea of having so much time with our babies is lovely and rewarding (and it is), but it's also exhausting when you feel it's all on you and that you're losing a sense of who you are. I suspect returning to work will help you with this, as will making sure you have time to do things for yourself when your husband isn't working. Yes, you need to try to help him get enough sleep - but equally he needs to pull his weight when he isn't working. You need an honest and frank conversation about how he'll support YOU with your career, as this is just as important as his. If this isn't something he's willing to consider, then is the time to consider separation.

Having a baby is a shock to the system and leaving the house is a whole other ordeal but it quickly becomes your new normal that won't always feel so overwhelming.
Don't move to the ME, finish out your MAT leave and go back to work either full time or part time, whatever works for you and certainly don't set the routine around your DH schedule. You and the baby come first here and he should slot in and take over when he's not working.
You'll get there OP, it's still very early on in your journey

I suggest you put baby in nursery part time. Get back to the gym, lunches, sleeping, whatever you need. My MIL had very bad ppd. My fil got a woman in to help with childcare so she got some free time.

To be fair the Emirates pilots' wives have a pretty strong network and do support each other. It doesn't replace family though, and it's kind of a moot point since the OP doesn't want to go.

It sounds like the pain has been in going from feeling independent to feeling dependent. If Dubai makes you more dependent definitely don't go. Apart from that, you could either do what you need to get a measure of independence back and/or work at making the relationship a bit more interdependent (e.g. finding and seeing a good couples therapist who can help your relationship through this transition).

Have you and DH taken the time to properly write down and divide up all the chores for the week and make sure you both have some time to yourselves each week? Or is part of the problem you can’t even do that as he doesn’t have a set schedule?