Dubai move or divorce

The husband has hundreds of lives in his hands when he is working! It’s not an ordinary job. Of course his sleep patterns are non negotiable.

This should have been impressed upon OP before the child was conceived, but it’s hardly brain surgery. She can’t demand a lie-in at the expense of his fitness for duty.

Actually forget renting idea, I wasn’t thinking because of course it won’t cover the mortgage.

I think some of the criticism of the DH here is harsh. He has a responsible job and is completely correct to protect his sleep and schedule. He is besotted with his child and cares for the baby including nights when he doesn’t have a flight scheduled. Obviously OP you aren’t feeling supported by him, and the Dubai suggestion probably wasn’t helpful, but it’s hard to know how much of this is breakdown in communication and adjusting to parenthood, rather than him being uncaring. He really should stop pushing Dubai though, you need to give a blanket no there and he doesn’t respect that then it’s a concern.

I don’t think that moving to Dubai, or divorce, should even be considered right now.

Look, when you have a six month old normal programming is suspended, especially when there are challenging circumstances like your DH’s job. You are still deep in post natal hormones, fatigue, life changes. You just have to get through it. If there is one thing for sure about babies and young children it’s that things change all the time and just when you are starting to work out what’s going on or what might help with an issue, suddenly that’s no longer the issue anyway and you’re on to the next thing.

Please trust OP that even if you do nothing, things will get better. But actually I am sure there are things you can do to help a bit now. I would just focus on yourself, not on your DH, and think about everything that can be done to buy you a bit of sleep and free time. Part of the problem is that your mortgage doesn’t allow for the help that you obviously need if your DH has the kind of job he has, and you have no family support. Is there any way to move to an area much cheaper that is still near enough to your DH’s base? Often areas very close can have wildly different prices. Forget schools at this point, something has to give and that’s years away. Could you rent out your place and rent somewhere cheaper yourselves if that seems easier than selling?

Yet you believe he would step up and take responsibility if you split up? He won't do it now for his wife, he's not going to do it for an ex wife.

I'm calling it. This post is bs. **

I meant to say another basic new rule- he has to manage sleeping without a quiet household or he can’t be a parent anyway. No dinner at 4pm, no not watching tv and shushing a child. Children need to live their life. (Yes I have worked shifts, including nights. Nobody else changed their schedule by so much as 30 seconds for me)

Dubai is clearly not the answer here. If you separated you couldn’t move home. You’re not thinking clearly op, you say things like he adores the baby and would step up to 50% if you separated. He wouldn’t do that, he won’t even be asleep while baby is asleep the night before work.
I think 1. You need to wait until your mental health improves before you can make the kind of decision Dubai is when you could be stuck there without permission to bring your baby home. 2. You need some new rules. I think I would say these new rules would be attempting to avoid a trial separation and if he doesn’t like it then separation it is. One of mine would be when he walks in the door after being away, he gets 30 minutes, then you hand him baby and take a few hours. (I’d be interested to hear from a pilot- can’t they basically take off and then have a nap while copilot watches?) 3-if it’s a choice between your marriage, your sanity, or your house, do you need this huge mortgage?

I know; it’s bollocks.

One wonders what you expected when deciding to have a child with an airline pilot. I mean, did you not notice what his work schedule was like??

Redacted

Ai quite!

OP was happy enough with her DH's job when they got together, she knew what he did for a living and how it would affect their life - suddenly they've had a baby and he's a useless selfish fuck of a DH? Plenty of others are in the same situation and make it work.

If your marriage breaks down when you live in Dubai, you won't necessarily have the right to return home to the UK with your baby. And custody and divorce laws are different there and worse for women.

Do not move to the Middle East.

If the mortgage is that much of a burden, you need to downsize. Your child will be happier living with a happy mother in a two-bedroom flat than living with a deeply unhappy mother in a four bedroom house.

Get yourself back to work.

Then you will be in a better position to say what you need to...."Its us or the job".

He will choose the job. But thats ok because you will be earning enough to support you and DS. Sorry but have fallen into the classic trap of his life not changing and yours turning upside down. Easy to be besotted by a creature you know someone else will take care of. Like a pet that you never have to walk or clean out their cage.

Push forward with your career, it will save you.

@Klaudea

Absolutely do NOT move. I don't care where he wants to move to, but do NOT move out of the country. If you do and you are unhappy you may find it impossible to return to your home country because you will not be allowed to move your child without his permission. You could be stuck for the next 18 years.

And as far as I'm concerned if one has a spouse who travels frequently the 'home base' should be where the 'staying put' spouse feels most at home. You say you moved to be close to 'his' airport, but is this where you feel the best? Because you are the one spending most of the time 'where it is you are'.

Motherhood and all its ups and downs is still new to you right now. It's not time to make any major decisions or major moves. Continue with your therapy for PPD and find ways, even small ways, to do things for yourself. There's nothing wrong with having some child care now, either, if it allows you to get out now and again.

I know that you're feeling that divorce is the answer and it may very well be, somewhere down the line. But realize that chances are it's not going to give you any more free time than you have right now. He'll still be gone a good deal of the time and chances are when he's back he's not going to be taking the baby for any length of time, at least not now. I don't want to slam all men, but most of the ones I know don't avail themselves of all the time available to them with their DC. Most are perfectly happy with EOW and a day or so in-between. I don't know a pilot's schedule, but let's say he's gone for 4 days, then back for 5. Do you really think he's going to want to have the baby, and later the child, on his own for 3 or 4 of his 5 days off? Again, I'm not saying that a divorce may not be in your future, just that now isn't the time to make that decision.

I think it's imperative that you return to work when your mat leave is up. There is reliable childcare out there, and even if it eats up most of your earnings at first, at least you're earning for yourself and socializing with other adults. Right now you're somewhat isolated, I think, and that never helps.

Give yourself some time. Get back to work. Then look around and see if you'd be happier either moving somewhere better for you as a family or being on your own.

If you divorce you’ll need to move anyway, so I’d suggest saving the marriage, for your sake and your kid, and move somewhere cheaper. With the released cash, get baby in some childcare or a babysitter to enable you to get some time back.

1. it is way too early to be considering divorce. Your baby isn’t even a year yet. So this situation hasn’t been longstanding. Things change with kids and once you’ve returned from mat leave. Babies don’t stay babies and they’ll sleep through the night in no time which may make you see things differently

2. I think you’re romanticising single parenthood with a baby.

Reach out to your family, let them know you need help. That you’re feeling very low and would appreciate childcare 1 evening per week if anyone’s available. Be very vocal about what you need. In the meantime perhaps speak with your GP about upping your dose.

As someone currently living overseas due to my DH’s job: I promise you, an overseas move categorically will not fix your marriage. It is one of these most stressful, isolating things I have ever been through.
If my marriage wasn’t absolutely rock solid, this never would have worked.

My DH works a very niche job within the US military. So his schedule is either a solid 9-5 and office based or it’s extremely erratic when he’s on call 24/7 and field based.
We also live in a state that’s been ranked the most expensive to own and run a car in the entire country - so we only have one. Meaning me and our youngest DC in particular are extremely isolated and barely leave the house Mon-Fri.
The job market where I aim is the most competitive I have ever experienced - since I got the legal go ahead to be allowed to work here, I’ve been applying for every job I can find in my previous career field, every job that’s even slightly adjacent to that field and jobs that I’m wildly over-qualified for. I’ve also been applying for bartending and shelf-stacking in supermarkets just so I’ve got something to do outside of the house - and I’ve been rejected from every single application.
My mental health has been very up and down because of the isolation.
My relationship with DH is the only thing that’s kept me on a relatively even keel.
If I didn’t have such a solid marriage? I’d be completely and utterly broken living here.

I think this is tricky. I'd want to do something..but not sure either of the options you have really work.

Staring at the wall alone in Dubai with a crying baby is the same as staring at a wall alone in the UK with a crying baby.
For those who are saying it gets better- I'm not sure it really does with out some change.

Possibly outing as DH is a pilot and we have been expats before. I’ve been a SAHM, worked full time and part time. Also was close to suicide when I had PND but that wasn’t to do with his job.

if you divorce you will end up with him doing EOW at best. At worst it will be random days depending on his roster unless he works for an airline with a fixed roster. If you go to the ME you may have a “helper” etc but if your job is something you find fulfilling then you won’t find that being a Jumeirah Jane. Obviously you can start hobbies etc but you also have to bear in mind the heat will mean you spend at least half of the year going from air conditioned building to air conditioned building.

The packages are no where near as good as they used to be and school alliance won’t cover all school fees, food is expensive and unless you’re happy with the company accommodation you’d need to see what you could live in with you allowance.

There are times that he arrives home at 5am as I’ve been getting up for work and that’s the most we’ll see of each other for 3 days, if I’m on a day off I’ll take DD2 out somewhere until lunchtime after dropping DD1 at school to let him sleep. I don’t change meal times but I will bath them early so they’re not making noise upstairs when he’s trying to sleep.

I have to see it as the perks (salary and time off compared to an office job) outweigh the negatives, even when I’m trying to plan and cook meals not knowing if he’ll be at home or not when he’s on standby. Wait and see how you feel once mat leave Is over before moving half way across the world, especially if it’s not something you’re doing for a career move/somewhere you want to be too as you’ll build a network eventually, but family and friends won’t be on hand anymore to help out. I didn’t have a “helper” as I’d read too many horror stories and didn’t trust a random stranger living in my house and with my child.

You must not even consider the ME.
Keep your job at all cost.
You are likely one and done, so you need your career.
3 bed house?
Can you move somewhere cheaper?
Can you stay with your mum for a bit.
Nothing prepares you for children but if he is largely unavailable then you need to make plans to do it alone.

Never go near the ME, he could stop you leaving.

Do not give up work
Do not leave the UK

How many nights does he not have to work the next day?

Ok, I completely get where you are at. You are right deep in the thick of new motherhood now, and it is terrifying; it feels like you are losing yourself and you are begging for help and feeling like you are just being pushed further under. I have been there, and thousands on here are right there with you. Breathe, mama.

I might have a bit of a unique perspective on this- I am a pilot by trade, and so is my husband. We both gave up our flying careers for desk jobs as the career is so unfriendly to families. It was a hard decision, but the right one for us. I have a couple of pieces of advice that might fit your situation.

First- do not make any sudden moves! No divorce, and DEFINITELY no Dubai! Pilots tend to think jumping to the next biggest aircraft/airline/base will fix it all. We can be single-minded about that and not consider the repercussions of the reality of daily life if that happens. Dubai might be amazing for you or it might be horrific, but your marriage needs to be rock solid and you need to be 100% on board or it will almost definitely be the second one. I have many friends who took this path- some are thriving 10 years later, some divorced after a year. It depends entirely on the couple.

Second- he DESPERATELY needs sleep before flights. It’s a mentally and physically fatiguing job, and fatigue is a massive contributor to aviation accidents. That said, you should not be having to have the rest of the family revolve around his schedule. He needs to take responsibility for his preflight prep- get a white noise machine for him, some comfy earplugs, and he takes himself off to bed when he needs. You don’t have to eat either him, sometimes he just needs to suck it up and accept that he will have some solo dinners while you take yourself and the baby for a walk with the dog or to the park or shops for some air. If he doesn’t like it then tough- that’s the job.

Third- you need some scheduled time to yourself. Either by him taking the baby, or by getting a babysitter in on a regular basis so you get a break to do something you enjoy. Paint, go to the gym, go to paintball lol, whatever it is that’s your happy place. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity!

I would present it like this- you understand this career is more than a job to him, that’s what life as a pilot is. It’s physically and mentally demanding, and you want to support him, but you also need support now as YOU also have a physically and mentally demanding job to do. Your roster is just as fatiguing as his is- I used to say it felt like doing 4am sign-ons with a 12 hour flight duty every single day. Dubai is not on the cards right now, so you need to work with what you have, your routines and come up with a solution that works for both your fatiguing jobs. Two things need to be non-negotiable though- his roster rules him, not everyone else, and something needs to be put in place for you to have regular breaks- you need a Rostered Day Off!

Good luck, and remember, this is such a small segment of your life as a mum, but it feels like eternity when you are in it. I promise it gets better… The proof is the people go for round 2,3 and 4 all the time!

Agree with the others and will say it with emphasis Do not make any life altering decisions now

Right now your life has been upended with your baby. It doesn’t mean that what you are feeling isn’t valid or is only temporary. But now isn’t the time to decide if you are moving halfway around the world or divorcing your husband.

Hang in there for awhile, get your feet under you, then take stock.

Would it make a difference if your DH said 'I hear you', instead of throwing ridiculous solutions like moving to Dubai at you?

Most new parents on parental leave have been where you are. I felt so resentful that my DH had some normality in his 9-5 office job when my life had had been ripped apart. When I was at home with two under 3 I suggested divorce, because I wanted to see how he was going to manage with having the kids 50%... I wanted him to feel the same pain.

Don't make big decisions when dealing with PPD and adjusting to parenthood. Definitely don't move abroad, it's not going to solve anything. But time will. It does get better.

With hindsight, I didn't feel seen or heard. I felt alone in my struggle. I realised I didn't want to divorce when my DH gave me a weekend 'off'. After that we were a team again and it made things 100 times easier, mostly emotionally.

Do you think he understands and cares about your struggles?

You have to find the money from somewhere for the next 6 or so months. Accept you are in the trenches and this is your spend era.

Cut the pension contributions & Mortgage holiday.

• Get a cleaner.
• Childcare 2 mornings or afternoons atleast. Child-minder or nursery.
• David Lloyd membership or similar where they have on site childcare.
• Get out to baby classes which benefit you also (Mum and baby pilates/ baby swimming / mum baby yoga etc.
• Make friends. Lean on them!
• Find an evening babysitter for one night a week and start a class or go to the sauna with a mum friend at David Lloyd.

It does get easier! Hang in there.