Dubai move or divorce

Some would be okay with it, others not. What’s important is YOUR happiness. Of course PPD isn’t making life any easier but don’t settle for being miserable! Therapy would help you to gain perspective and to decide what is best for you going forward.

It seems you are very resentful of your baby more so than your husband. He needs to work and has a good job, I’m not sure what you expected from his job when you had a baby, he’s hardly got a 9-5 job. Things are a bit tough currently so you think getting a divorce is the solution, well it will be even tougher as a single parent if he decides to move to the ME.

OP the one thing that would make a difference to me is, does your husband actually understand? When you have a conversation about it, does he get where you’re coming from and how you’re feeling?

I feel that a lot of stuff can be managed, the routines, the life admin, the time alone etc, ifyour partner is emotionally supportive. That is the crucial factor for me. I would want to be able to have a conversation with my husband where he understood my feelings and respected them, even if he could not change the actual facts of life right now.

Is he receptive and caring when you discuss your feelings currently? That is the dealbreaker for me, not so much the rest of it. Does he get it?

Ok, the most helpful advice here has come from other pilot wives. Short of changing his job you need to be proactive. Sit with him weekly and work out family time on his roster. Make some adjustments (it’s fair he doesn’t have the baby the night before his shift) but you don’t have to eat at 4:45. Some of the things that are irritating you are things that he can’t help with his job and won’t change and others are bits where he’s being a pain. Work out which is which with some clear headspace.

When you plan the week with him put down the me time. So on an off day you can go to the gym. Sit down, look at his leave, book it in, plan some holidays.

Think through what happens when you go back to work. The nursery years are usually okay- nursery hours are long but school and wrap around care with someone working shifts is tough. When the baby goes to nursery they will fall ill a lot. If you have to keep taking time off, factor this in.

Ask him which tasks (including the mental load of them) he CAN do consistently.

Finally, having sorted through the routine, create one that works for you.

obviously this is so much harder with a small helpless baby and sleep deprivation. Plus it seems you have a dog to boot!

That mortgage is crazy, are you london based? Could you move to cheaper part of UK, Manchester Airport is commutable from many rural villages.
DH works shifts so I get how you feel to an extent, I didn't think through the future implications before getting into a relationship with him

He will very likely move to dubai if they divorce. Very unlikely to have 50% custody. @123EndOfRope67 don't fool yourself. Do your family live nearby?. Maybe suggest moving near them if not. Maybe get an affair. Divorce won't solve your problems

First things first before making bid decisions - take small steps. You need to get better at using the time he will look after the baby to leave the house and get out. It's hard to when you have a kid as it feels almost alien to leave them and then you don't know what to do with yourself but just leave for an hour walk because (a) this is the only way you will be able to start to understand yourself as separate to them again which you are clearly struggling with, (b) it is the only way he will start to have more empathy for what it means to actually look after a child rather than just give them some cuddles. Even better if you can get someone to meet you for a coffee or something but it doesn't matter if you don't - i just used to go for a walk listening to music or podcasts.

Probably because he's raised going previously and wanted to then but you, at that time said no. Don't move to Dubai. It won't change anything for you.

I actually think Dubai would be a good move in some ways but I definitely wouldn’t consider it at the moment -with a baby- if you’re not 100% confident in your relationship. If the relationship breaks down over there it would be much more stressful than if you were still in UK.

I think Dubai is def not the answer or a divorce.

Sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Being a mother is such a sacrifice isn’t it? The early days are so tough but you’ll get through. I think you need to try & get some good sleep where you can and make some plans to get out more, baby cinema at a local independent cinema perhaps, more time connecting with friends, more time outside. You will get there. Start today. Take care.x

I think the issue us that being a new mum is very difficult. Don't divorce yet...just don't move to Dubai.
I had dd alone and I still feltvlike a 1950s housewife...no man in sight! The reality is with a new baby we are stuck at home for a bit.
Try councelling.

when my kids were little I joined a babysitting circle. So a no cost way of getting childcare. We met up in the days as well to get to know each other. You started the group with a certain amount of tokens. Some people just wanted a couple of hours in the day to go and get their hair cut etc. you could start one if there isn’t one in your town?

are you seeing people in the day? This is absolutely essential to your sanity if you don’t want to go crazy when you have to do the evenings alone.

you really can’t go for a walk or whatever if baby and DH are sleeping and your DH has to work the next day. You must know he can’t be woken up if he has to fly?

i totally get how desperate and trapped this feeling is but it really doesn’t last forever. I would absolutely focus on making your days as busy and social as possible so you have filled your cup before the evenings and nights.

So much of what you’ve said hits home with me. I’m married to a speciality doctor and it’s often compared to pilots in terms of constantly changing shifts, very long hours, no set finish times and no flexibility. It often feels as though the career is just completely incompatible with family life. He starts before any nursery opens and never finishes when he is supposed to. There’s so many random bloody courses or exams that require traveling hours or staying over. They moved him every six months to random hospitals hours away (thank god that’s almost over now) all whilst I had two babies at home!

I also used to keep myself busy so never felt it until we had kids. Overnight my life was just taken away, I gave birth to eldest, Covid hit and hubby was gone (he works intensive care). I now have a 5yo (who is profoundly autistic and extremely high needs non verbal) and a 3yo and I feel like I’ve lived most of the last few years alone. The entire process I’ve been through with autistic DS was largely alone, DH just popped up for the highlights, told me how he thought I could do it better then disappeared again.

Yesterday my extremely unwell DF had emergency surgery and whilst I was waiting to hear if he was ok DH whatsapped me ‘gonna be at least an hour late’ and I just laughed because OF COURSE he was!

His body clock is constantly out of whack, he’s exhausted, miserable and definitely prioritised work over us. He’s made it clear in the past that he would choose the job over us if I make him choose. It’s like he’s in a cult rather than a profession but honestly I think a lot of it is down to such a big part of his personal identity being tied into the job. So when people say ‘can he not reduce hours and you both work PT’ I just roll my eyes because you have to have two willing people and men like these are never willing. They’ll say they will but ultimately never actually would.

I ended up a SAHM because it just was not doable any other way. He’s a fabulous provider and due to DS’s extreme needs it is 100% better for us to remain together as a family, I even talked it over with his social worker (who very clearly felt sorry for me) but agreed it was best to stay. That being said I can’t ever get holiday it wrap around care for DS so my situation is a bit different, yours might be more doable. I highly doubt he would take 50% custody though so I’d only leave on the expectation that you'll have them full time and he’ll pop in and out as suits him.

I found it helpful to make a pros and cons list. For me that helped me realise that although I don’t get companion or friendship I do get great financial support, a comfortable home, mutual respect and safety and some practical help with the kids when he’s around (and physical care support with DS).

I’ve made lots of mum friends which has really helped!

OP, I personally found both my mat leaves to be a bit shit. And frankly the 6-9month old period to be the worst - weaning is a pain, sleep goes to pot. Honestly, don't make any life decisions now because everything gets so much better around 1! You'll find a new routine with work, baby will be able to play more independently, move around themselves, start to give you more back. Plus you'll start to get some time to yourself again.

I agree with others - do not go to Dubai.

Concentrate on getting better and reassess in a few months. I found my PND got lots better when I went back to work and started having my own identity again.

This would be my view.

Get to a year and get back to work before you agree or decide on anything.

Imo uae sounds disastrous...so does divorce.

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus with no 1. Going back ft helped me weirdly... I found it much easier than most of my mates leave. I def had pnd.

THIS FEELING IS TEMPORARY!

Focus on getting to the end of mat leave - it does get better. 6m was such a hard time for me.

Remember you can sleep in the day as well as night. Its summer so just send dh out with the baby and tell him not to come back until x pm and you nap.

Also at 6m you can start sleep training- id do this as a priority.

Hi OP, my DH isn't a pilot and doesn't have a similar schedule but I felt similar how you do around the 6 month mark. Maternity leave is really tough - suddenly you're in a groundhog day of nappies, nap times (and I'm guessing you've just gone through the 4 month sleep regression!), and trying to spin multiple plates at the same time.

I only took 6 months off and my mental health instantly improved once I was back at work. I needed to be something other than mum and housewife for a few hours a day, and have guaranteed time away from a screaming baby!

Are you breastfeeding? I still am (she's 8 months old) and unfortunately it does mean DH is a bit scared to commit to anything over an hour of looking after her on his own as she goes from fine to screaming to be fed pretty quickly 😅

What you're going through at the moment is tough but very very normal - it's a small window of our lives that sometimes we just need to wade through until we can reclaim the time and space to be us again.

On a side note, I lived in Dubai for 5 years for DH's work (I also worked there but his job was the motivation to move). The money can be good and it can solve some practical issues, but you'll feel ultimately more isolated than you currently do as you'll have lost your closest support network (family/friends) and being a SAHM will close off your opportunity to make non-mum connections further. I wouldn't move there if I were you.

I don't think divorce will help you either as you will still be beholden to his schedule and he would still insist on not looking after the baby the night before he flies.

Perhaps marriage counselling will help open his eyes and make him think of how he can better support your needs.

Wishing you all the best OP, it's so hard being a new mum and I think resenting your partner is inevitable when so much has changed in your life and their's seems to just continue as normal!

Shaky marriage, new baby, social isolation; I wouldn't take that shit to one of the most misogynistic places on Earth. You would be incredibly vulnerable on so many levels.

Haven’t RTFT but pilot wife here in solidarity! We have a 5 year old and a 6 month old. This is going to sound harsh but you need to accept this as your new normal and figure out a way of living. Get a copy of his roster if you can, we use google calendar and DH uploads it to there for me and it helps me plan “life”. I look at DHs roster every week, when he’s not here at weekends DC and I plan fun things and go out. For meals, unless he’s working early I don’t even bother making him food but I keep a stash of things in the freezer for times when he might be here and he wants to eat. DH sleeps in the spare room on his work days, simply because our youngest doesn’t sleep and I get that he needs to be compos mentis for work. Use your evenings when DH and DC are in bed to do your own thing! Have a bath, watch some rubbish telly etc.

But here’s the big but. On his days off he should be helping you and he needs to step up. You are a partnership and jobs that need doing need to be split as such. Everyone is tired and he isn’t special in this. What is he actually doing on his days off? Can he reduce his hours? My DH went down to a 75% contract after Covid and it’s so much better. He isn’t overworked anymore and is much more present for DC. Don’t go to the ME, it will be the same shit in a different location.

I really get it though, it’s very hard with children when your DH is away a a lot and they have a demanding job which isn’t 9-5.

Can you consider putting baby in nursery for a couple of hours, or getting a cleaner? Use a cc as a lifeline if you need to, to tide you through this difficult time in your life and preserve your sanity.

Divorcing won’t make it easier, only harder. Sounds like you need a break. I’d tell DH to take some time off, so you can have a week off and time for yourself. Might help put things into perspective for him. How much help is he doing when he’s home?

PND is absolutely horrific, and makes everything a million times harder. Don’t make any rash decisions now, you’ll feel better as time goes on, and once you can claw back more time for yourself.

Don’t move to soulless Dubai. The last thing you need is more stress, unfamiliarity, and big changes. I promise it really does get better ❤️‍🩹

I can’t remember the name of the organisation, but they have people that come to your home & can help out during the week so you can have some mummy time.

he sounds like he pulls his weifght when he can?
don’t quit your job and be a SAHM as it will be as isolating as maternity leave is- you said yourself you enjoy work and your job and feel fulfilled having that and a social life.
my friend is married to a pilot and has two kids and is very happy even with his odd schedules ( and all his flights are long haul, so off and gone for 2/3 days since forever , but with long breaks off as well). She has a very high powered job and they have help ( helper and family help) and that’s probably the difference.
he might be right about Dubai being easier as you will have support and help and be able to get your independence back, but if you don’t like it you don’t like it. Could you afford to get someone in for evenings at least a couple of times a week?

I think the main problem is the OPs baby blues and being under psychiatric care. There are single parents who manage completely alone. I really don’t think it’s the husband’s job, whose unusual working hours, as others have said, should have been no surprise. Perhaps going back to work would help, or else perhaps further psychiatric help and support. Just hang on in there and get whatever support you can.

OP, I think you are at one of the hardest times with a young baby, but it will also likely get easier as the baby will become more and more independent.

I don't think I'd choose divorce nor Dubai, though the latter would be a bit of an adventure, especially if you could leave after a few years.

But I think what you really need to do is look for other things to do, connections to make. I felt very similar to you after my eldest was born. It really wasn't about my husband, it was just so different not seeing people regularly through work, deeply isolating.

In the end I made connections with some other people and that helped Initially a group of women at a knitting group, mostly older ladies and I brought the baby with me. And at a certain point I found a church to attend and made a few close friend there although it took attending for over a year before I felt like I was making deep connections.

Also -if you were to divorce, presumably you'd work, and the baby would be in care. SO - why not just take that step sooner, maybe only PT? Can you find a care situation for a few mornings or afternoons? Go to the gym, join a walking group, do a bit of a PT job. If you could do these things single you can do them married.

Some good advice on here.

Do not isolate yourself even further by moving to any other country. Your DH has just heard you are struggling to manage the house, not that you are lonely.

I think it is important for you to get some more concrete purpose in your life right now. Yes having children give you long term purpose but you are struggling.

Get a part time job that requries you to be out of the home and I love the idea of a regular babysitter a couple of times a week.

You knew that your husband was a pilot. So it's unreasonable of you to think that he can help like a normal 9 to 5 job man can.
You need to be responsible for your own happiness.
You are not happy.
Go back to work 18 hours per week and you and DH pay for a cleaner and child care.
Mark in your calendar family times and date times, according to your work schedule and DHs work.

If it all improves carry on like that but if you have your second child be prepared to feel low again. Move to the ME for two years (it could not be worse than now) where you can pay staff and make the most of living there.

You seem to need the social connection of your profession so make sure you go back into that.

I don't think it's the right time to make such a huge decision, it's a stressful time and it sounds like you need more support for your mental health, it doesn't sound like you are coming out of the baby blues it sounds like you have postnatal depression.
I would never ever move to the middle east, so that would be an instant no. I think it's quite hurtful as well because you are asking for him to support you and he is instead offering to move where he can pay someone to do it, and that's not the equal partnership you are looking for. You obviously didn't anticipate how hard it was going to feel for you to be the primary parent, but I don't think he's unreasonable for prioritizing his sleep the night before work. If he's willing to care for the baby when it's times that he isn't working or the night before, then you could try and plan well for that so that you are able to get the time for yourself that you are looking for, and try and attend mother groups or gym classes with childcare so that you can try and get some time. You might still end up deciding that you'd like to divorce, but I think it's a bit soon to decide that.