Dubai move or divorce

I was in a group for mums with postnatal depression. Half of them had dickhead misogynistic husbands like yours who thought babies were women's work and didn't pull their weight. No wonder they had depression.

Ask him why does he think buying in help is the only solution? How will he bond with the baby if they never have time alone?

Get an au pair.
move house, if you’re in London or Manchester you’ve picked an expensive area. It might feel like a come down but it’s the lesser of two evils.

Six months is such early days OP, please try and be kind to yourself. It is also so normal to resent your DH skipping off to work whilst you are left at home with the baby, and that’s super common when your partner is working 9-5 let alone overnights and more complex hours like your DH.

When you are ready I would start exploring going back to work, either FT or PT depending on your preferences. And organise childcare for DS. You’ll be surprised what it feels like when you rejoin the “adult world” and the sense of self it gives you.

@bunnycat

Agreed.
Based on current info Divorce would be a very poor choice right now.

I don’t think anyone knows 100% what they are getting into when they have their first child. I know I didn’t. Perhaps the OP, like many of us, has found maternity leave a much harder, lonelier existence than she ever anticipated.

Then he is being completely reasonable. He is literally responsible for the lives of hundreds of people. He can’t be sleep deprived.

I think your PND and despair is making you focus blame too much on your H. He does not have a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card. He really is responsible for hundreds of people’s lives. He really does have a notoriously inflexible job.

I doubt his job will enable him to do 50/50 if you leave. That wouldn’t be good for a six month old anyway.

The situation you are in is hard and sucks but it’s not anyone’s fault. I had a baby who screamed with reflux. I got, on a good night, maybe three hours sleep in short broken chunks. It went on for months. I had an autistic husband completely unsafe to do nights as he would meltdown with the screaming. It was hell. Real hell. But I got through it. So will you. Things will slowly improve.

The first poster was right. Wait till you are back at work, for your PND to dissipate and then start to really think about your options.

And do NOT move to Dubai.

Hi @Klaudea
sorry you’re feeling low. Maybe you should go back to the doctors and discuss your mood. It’s good you’re getting better but it sounds like you’re still a bit low xx

Can you plan a return to work? Or part time? And look at a nanny share or some childcare help?

I’ve been a lone parent for the whole of my DC life and I went on a lot of trips in my 5 months mat leave - including visiting lots of friends across the country and overseas. Drove to their houses, stayed a day or so and had help then drove on to another friend and spent a month overseas with friends too.

can you plan a solo night out with friends when your partner is home? Go to the gym with a crèche? Have you got other friends with babies? Can you build up a network?

It is a different period of your life but I don’t think it will be easier as a single parent x

I think people are being very rash to encourage divorce. There is nothing much in the OPs posts other than the pilot husband needing early nights and good rest before he flies a plane. Let’s be honest, no-one would want the pilot of their own plane being up all night caring for a baby before flying.

I think the OP sounds very low and this isn’t the time to be making life changing decisions.

The mortgage is also massive which will be another factor. Dubai might not be the answer but I can also see why the husband might be suggesting an international move for the chance of a better lifestyle. That might not be right for the OP but it’s something to potentially consider.

Aside from the fact your husband doesn’t sound great. Don’t make any decisions while you’re still suffering from PPD.

I felt very much like you (suicidal at times) but it improved (and had abusive DH) a lot when I went back to work and started to get some time away from home and dc my mental health improved.

Can you get family help / babysitter so you can do things in the evening when he’s working / goes to bed. So you start to find some enjoyment and fulfilment?

Dubai is a terrible idea if you divorce there and have a custody battle if you want to come home.

Don't make any big decisions while you've got a small baby and are recovering from PPD.

Could you rent your house out and move somewhere cheaper for a couple of years? You don't need to live somewhere with good schools until your child is ready for school. Your DH's contribution to helping the situation can be putting up with a longer commute to his airport. This would free up some money to get in some help around the house.

It won't solve all your problems but will relieve some of the day-to-day drudge. As others have said, it's really common to feel as you feel after having a baby (the feelings of losing yourself, not the depression). Your life changes completely, while the father's life continues almost as normal. It's really rough for a lot of professional women.

Babies get easier as they get to six months so you're nearly out of the worst of it. Reassess at 12 months and see how you feel.

I understand it Op. The divorce rate in my DH us high for the same reasons - in and out, late nights, early mornings.In fact his first wife left when she had a child for the same reasons as you.
Do not move to Dubai

But any chance you can buy a small flat that DH could stay in for before and after shifts. Then he can sort out his own shit but come home to you in sync with your routine. No second child to worry about but a useful husband instead? And a property investment in case you need it.

This is bollocks. My best mate's dad is a retired BA pilot. Him and his wife are absolutely living the dream! Houses in UK, Southern France, and Portugal. Had one in South Africa too at one point.

This is really difficult OP but as others have said you are in the worst period of having a child. The really mundane hard work period. It is honestly, miserable plus you have had issues on top so everything seems doubly hard.

my husband travelled quite a bit when my kids were small and I just got on with it. There are are lots of single parents who get on with it. There are people who have army spouses who have to go away for long stretches. So ultimately lots of manages survive these situations. It seems drastic to want to divorce to make yourself a full time single parent.

you need to go back to work and you need a bit of help with the housework and you need to get your mood back up to speed. On top of that just give it time and things will improve.

This sounds really reasonable to me, I don’t want to be flown by a pilot who has been up with a baby.

As others have said, it sounds like you’re struggling with the mundanity of becoming a mum than anything else. Consider going back to work and starting JOINTLY discussing and planning childcare for this to happen.

In the meantime, make a plan and routine for your days, get out of the house as much as possible. Babies are super portable at that age! Find a gym with a crèche, meet friends, go to baby classes, walk the dog and have a picnic, even little day trips now the weather is nicer.

Unfortunately most of us feel tied to the house of the evening even without a pilot husband, it’s the reality of having young kids.

I’d also consider going back to the GP, I know you mention you are on meds but you do sound quite low so worth another discussion.

Don’t move to Dubai.

Generally it’s not good to make any massive decisions when you are post partum.

you are still dealing with a massive amount of hormones and emotional dysregualtion. Just hold out until it’s been a year and you get back into the rhythm of work and life.

crying because you had an early dinner with your dh due to his schedule isn’t reasonable. Which means it’s not the time to do anything big like get a divorce.

give it time. Get back to feeling like yourself first.

Two pages in and I'm seeing a fair few suggestions to divorce. I'm not sure this is a decision best made at a time when hormones are having a huge impact, alongside massive changes to routine and lifestyle etc.

OP is saying she didn't feel this way before and that DH is a loving father. It also sounds like the suggested move to Dubai is only in response to OP's current feelings. She may still be right it could also be a blip. A lot of people have this the first time round.

Do not move to Dubai.
You could get stuck there, away from what support you have in the UK.
Women's rights are likely not so good (though I'm just going in what I've read on here) . Won't fix your problems and might cause much bigger ones!

Where you live shouldn’t be considered an ‘aesthetic’. The important thing is that your family is happy - you’re not happy currently most likely because you’re on maternity leave and feel isolated. Living in either the UE or the Cotswolds won’t change that at all. Your DH is doing the job he’s always done since you met - nothings changed there. You’re tied to a big mortgage so he can’t cut his hours as you need his salary. Presumably you chose to have a baby - did you think everything would carry in as normal once baby arrived? Because it doesn’t - for any new parents things change dramatically. But they don’t stay like that forever. I’d say, start planning your return to work, back to normality and outside distractions.

Dh never did interact with dc and the 3 weeks per month i was the “single parent” were great and I had all the freedom to do anything or go anywhere. (Dc and I once went on holiday for a week and dh didn’t notice)I found dh being at home for that one week per month such hard work and my schedule was thrown off by him being in the house in the evenings (even though he would go to work in the company office for those 5 days) . I once remember coming in from work in the evening and dh had arrived home during the afternoon . The laundry basket was overflowing, our bedroom was a mess and he had made dinner for himself and not cleared up and was in the living room, coffee table full of his dirty plates, wine glass and water glass and beer cans and him passed out in the sofa. It was total destruction

I have many single parent friends and life might be harder in some areas because of the responsibility of everything but most were doing everything anyway so no dh meant less mess and no compromising with and a lot more freedom

Okay so here are some things that may help.

Night before the nights he goes back to work/needs to sleep early you have that evening to yourself. Do what you need to do to fill your cup.

When he is at work (presuming he stays away sometimes) invite friends over for dinner or even a cuppa. It will get easier as baby will be in a routine and pretty much in bed by 7 as they get older. Don't cook anything fancy just throw a pizza on the oven. Doesn't have to be a big night or a late night. This is a game changer for me when my DH is on nights shifts. Sometimes when my friends are organising an evening out and we are talking dates. I'll offer any where my DH is on night shifts and offer my place for takeaway and wine nights as well as dates he is home and we make a call based on who can do the majority date. My friends are happy to do a mixture of evenings in and out.

Find a gym/PT/classes that allow you to bring your baby. Post on the local FB asking. I think you'll be surprised how many options there is.

Get a travel cot, can you then go stay with your family/cousins/friends etc with baby. Even if your mum has work then next day and can't babysit. Even just going round there and having dinner with them and staying over gives you a change of scenery from feeling trapped. Then you can let yourself out even after they gone to work. I feel so much better if I've had a change of scenery for a night.

My DH does shifts so I totally get the resentment of everything having to work around this. Tbh I'd the baby years are 'easier'' as you can go visit people. When they have school the next day it's harder and involves staying at home more. But then again it's also different and less lonely as tbh when you've had a 5 year old talk your ear off for hours you'd appreciate the quiet evenings. Right now your getting minimal conversation and that is lonely 🥰

Go easy on yourself. It's a huge lifestyle change and I remember around 9 months feeling the same and having huge rows with my DH. We got through it once we worked out things to help me feel less lonely.

My friend's DH travels and moves a lot for work. After the DC were born she decided to stay in the UK while he carried on - he is based overseas but comes home whenever he can. It's been tough, but actually he sees her and the kids almost as much as if they had moved with him - and she has all her support network/job here. I think you need to make the divorce decision when you are back on an even keel with your mental health - ditto any major decisions like moving.

Do not downplay hormones P/P women can develop PND or PNA 2 years after having a baby. So I would say never ever make a life altering decision during this time. You will feel that way. I felt that way. I got through it and I felt dofferent after 1.5years so much so I had another baby and I am a SAHM and actually loge it now..... No offence but parenting solo is not easy at all and not something you should do easily and think it is better. Unless you have real issues in your marriage.

I would reccomend you watch Allen De Botton School of Life his video on Love, Marriage and relationships.

Dh has suggested we make the move to the ME (he had an offer from an airline out there last year but he turned it down af my request) where we could afford to get a lot more help - ie cleaner, nanny etc. I just can’t keep doing what we are doing. It’s Groundhog Day

What he really is saying Dubai offers is he can afford paid help. He isn’t willing to change or participate in family life more he just wants to pay people to do the everyday jobs as a family he would be expected to do.

Dubai will just be Ground hog day with sun annd you will be bored out of your mind

ATM you are caged with responsibilities of looking after dc, the house and doing a job as well as dh coming and going. In Dubai you won’t have to look after dc or the house or do the job and dh will still be coming and going

you will still be caged all be it a gilded one.

No idea about a pilots schedule but would selling up and buying a place in a cheaper area and a studio near the airport and for the 3, 4 or 5 days he is at work or needs to go to bed in the afternoon he spends it at the studio, and comes home for his full days and evenings off.

From someone who had a dh (now exh but that was more to do with him being at home) spent 3 weeks in every month in different global locations and one week at home. I actually found I liked the 3 weeks in my own each month as I could organise everything and pretty much do anything even with 2 children

Don't move to Dubai.

Sell the expensive house and move somewhere a bit cheaper which also works better for sound proofing for your dh. This will free up some money for some additional support for you and ensure he will be able to get more sleep....long term there is no way you will be able to tiptoe around the house with a toddler /preschooler / school age child. If you don't fix this now it will be an issue down the line.

I think many men become a lot more involved with their children when they start being interactive, babies are a bit dull. They don't stay dull for long before you know it you will have a walking, talking child and your dh will likely feel a huge pull toward them. I would give it a bit of time and tell yourself to review the whole situation again in a year.

Being a single parent will be equally as hard and having small children does tie you to the house somewhat. It takes military planning to work out when you can get time to yourself in some households and routines change over time.

He would live the expat lifestyle and you’d be alone, many miles from home. Don’t do it.