Dubai move or divorce

OP apologies I am coming to your post late in the day but just wanted to reach out as I have been in a very similar situation. Our children are now broadly grown up but many years ago I could have written your exact post, including having PPD with first baby and DH being an airline pilot.
It's hard to put into words how you can feel so very isolated and lonely surrounded by a child/ren whilst also feeling completely stifled at the same time. I think it's the mental and emotional load of it all on top of the physical exhaustion and trying to juggle everything. It's easy to lose sight of who you are and not recognise the person you have become.
What I would say from personal experience is try not to make any huge life altering decisions whilst you are this wrung out. I too semi-fantasised about divorce being an option but in reality, it was the exhaustion and loneliness that I wanted to get away from, not my husband. No matter how wanted and planned your child, no matter how often you have babysat or had experience of other people's children, the practical reality of your having your own and the total life changes this brings cannot be underestimated.

Your baby is still very young and your life is in total upheaval in a way that even the best of father's can't relate to. It sounds like your DH is trying to be supportive when possible around his working hours and open communication between you both is really important.
I don't think moving somewhere completely new, even if you could afford more help on a practical front is the best idea - swapping one set of issues for different ones in a country you don't know (or like) and without the support network of friends and family you currently have, not to mention there are the challenges of different customs and laws.
Easier said than done but try to prioritise rest and protect some you time when possible. Accept all offers of help and do your best to remind yourself that things will get better in time. In a way it's partly grieving for and accepting that your old life has gone but your new one, whilst unfamiliar and seemingly relentless now, will evolve. I hope you can find happiness and a way through for yourself and family.

Dubai will lead to him being unfaithful. Monogamy and faithfulness in marriage are given very little value there.

Cant your DH take time off, unpaid?
Can you move so your finances are not so stretched?
Can you get help at home?

Don’t ever give up your career…that’ll impoverish you and be detrimental to you in the long term

Very true. I'd also prefer divorce and solo parenting to living in Dubai 😆

Well you could do the divorce however you can't force Co parenting

She'll have more autonomy, doesn't sound like she has much now.
Dinner at 4.45 then an evening tiptoeing?

I've only ever been under the care of a gp for my mental health. My assumption is that yours is more serious as you're under psychiatric care?
Please don't make big decisions whilst your mh is poor and your baby is so young.

Hi OP, Many jobs (police, nurse, doctor, army, navy, professional sportsman, drivers, train operators, cleaners, hotel staff, cooks, retail etc etc) all require shift work and unsociable hours and I think if a man came on this platform and moaned about the job his wife had done before they met, when they dated and after having children (and which paid amazingly) and is now resentful of you continuing to do it he would be lynched. You mention he goes to bed early but also fail to mention what time he has to get up on those days? 4am? 4.30am? You also fail to mention the time he must get off - pilots have strict working hours over a month.The Dubai pressure is different and any move should be jointly consensual but I think you are being very unreasonable with your DH regarding his hours. If you have a good job, and he is a pilot, I see no reason why you can’t hire some additional help as well. What I would point out is the number of single mothers in my DD school who manage to work and look after DC (with support from family / friends). I think YUBU and should see The privilege you have.

I don't know any Westerner who had their passport withheld or was stopped from leaving the country. The nearest was a Western woman who was married to a non-Gulf Arab, took her children home for Christmas and didn't return. Why would any man want to keep you or your child in the UAE against their will?

I guess the same as military families, which I was fortunate to be part of as a child and it was brilliant to live in different countries. Yes it wasn't a typical childhood with Dad being present because he was working away.

Your DH will be earning a lot more.

So the option of a lavish lifestyle with lots of help doesn't appeal to you? Of course not when young and in love, bit given the option later in life I would jump at it! Xx

These are the hardest years and they get better, I promise. You feel like you have lost your independence, your autonomy, you are totally exhausted and the idea of space and time to yourself seems utterly unobtainable. I think you are saying that if you are divorced it will mean you have free time away from your baby, that you will be able to breathe without anyone needing you. It makes sense.

It sounds like you are grieving your life before, when you could do what you wanted, when you wanted. That has changed and you feel that loss deeply. I want to encourage you to sit with that. It absolutely sucks. Your body has changed, some tiny person is totally dependent on the care adults around them provide and it feels too hard. And you don’t need to do anything today, not divorce or Dubai. You can think about it again tomorrow, and keep thinking until you find a solution that feels right.

Get a nanny based on needing help as a need to recover from PND, stay in the UK though.
Then you wouldn't be alone with baby.

OP has clarified that her husband only refuses to look after the baby when he needs to sleep before flying the next day. This is perfectly reasonable - he is legally required to be well rested before operating a plane with the lives of hundreds of people in his hands.

OP could leave the baby with her husband on his off days and go for a walk, but she’s choosing not to out of a feeling that they need to spend all his time off together and because the baby, when awake, only wants her. But if they were to divorce, as she fantasises, she would be leaving the baby alone with him frequently whether or not the baby liked it, so I really don’t understand why she’s martyring herself by not doing that now.

I agree. This is still early days in terms of getting to grips with parenthood. You are just coming out of PND, It’s bloody tough regardless of your partners job. It would be even tougher as a single parent. Don’t knee jerk or look for a quick fix, there isn’t one. There’s no going back to the life you had before your baby.

Personally, I would be outsourcing as much as I possibly could - cleaning, ironing, meal prep boxes and definitely some childcare. Could you hire a nanny or look at using a nursery a day or two each week. Use the time to get back some of yourself - join the gym, meet friends for coffee etc. Going back to work will help you to feel that you are more than just a mum.

I think if you give yourself some time and space then you will be able to see more clearly whether your husband primarily is the problem.

I don’t think your husbands job or odd hours is the issue. Refusing the have sole care of baby overnight before flying an airplane is absolutely the right call!

Having a small baby is exhausting. Are you breastfeeding? I felt as though I didn’t get a second to myself (ebf all my Velcro babies) and just wanted to eat my lunch without holding them, the first particularly would not be put down. It’s such a huge adjustment from from your pre-baby life with a professional job. It will get easier. In the meantime can you find a gym with a crèche? Attend some fun baby groups with other mums? Use shared parental leave so husband gets some time off with baby and sees what you’re dealing with?

Dubai is not the answer don’t entertain that.

I am so sorry to hear about the baby blues. I waited a long time to be a mum. 8 years of ivf but when it did happen, I was so unsure/down/unhappy. I thought motherhood was the loneliest place on earth despite all the joy of a new baby. Glad you are getting help!

i don’t really like Dubai having lived there and following my husband career. He still travels weekly and I am with a 4 month old alone 5 to 10 days at a time!!! And it does take its toll. We get on well but when he gets back I haven’t even the energy to smile at him despite knowing that his hard work gives me a very lush lifestyle…(am a professional too) but no pressure from him to return to work! The baby is still young and he has offered to tahr us on his trips of that would help..
so slightly different than your situation but if you two are really not getting on then divorce but I think it would be harder for you and your little one.
I think you are just lonely after a very intense and difficult period so maybe wait until you are truly feeling ok in yourself to make desicion? In that time, go out with your baby, see family fill your might change your perspective.

You are on Mumsnet, so you are going to get a lot of mums who love being full time mums, and spending all their time with their babies, and that is a box that doesn't perfectly fit everyone. I went back to work after 3 months with my first, and it was life changing. She was angry, clingy, frustrating, colicky, a general tyrant of a child. I used to clock watch the minutes from 3pm until my DH came home when I was on mat leave. He is a fantastic dad, but that doesn't make it easier being trapped at home, and to me, it felt like I was trapped. The mums groups weren't my scene, I wanted to rant about how semi miserable the trenches of infant years can be, and hearing people talking about their wonderful days with their babies just made me feel worse. You sound like a smart, independent person who is adjusting to parenting. It can be part of you without being all of you. We ended up in couples therapy by 8 months of baby and it was so helpful re. getting on the same page, dividing responsibilities, making time for each other etc. I strongly recommend that. Also, don't move to Dubai unless you will be able to carve out an actual life, a job and a friend group there. Doing that in your current setup would be incredibly isolating.

You knew your DH job before you had the baby, his shifts are not his fault you are BU.
Get a babysitter, go to the gym or some other activities and get back to work and hopefully you may feel differently

Why on earth can’t he look after him for a couple of hours? That’s ridiculous to say you need a childminder for that!

This sounds like PND and probably not helped by baby needing you more. Before you do anything get some marriage counselling in addition to the PND support. You will come out the other side and your baby will be more self sufficient or in childcare and you can go to the gym and all the stuff that kept you busy before.
You need to try and step away from blaming every little thing on your DH job. Please get some more help. This will work itself through but you need a way to express your frustration. Good luck.

I have friends that have moved there and the life is wonderful great for kids and very very safe loads of clubs and things to do for
mums, I think you’d have a great support network and a fabulous life, I’d do it who wants to stay here unsafe for kids and mums

Have you told your psychiatrist all this? I had severe post natal depression and needed that return to work to be anything but “just” mum/wife. I would really suggest trying to find a local mum and baby group - singing and signing or tots groups just to meet other mums. It really does help to have someone to meet for a coffee or have round at yours. I used to have my antenatal group mums round for coffee once a week, and after a while we did each others homes on rotation. Before the babies were crawling we used to lay they down on play mats whilst we had a coffee and a chat… obviously watching our babies at the same time. It was an absolute hour of sanity that was needed. I also used to have a bath with the baby in the bathroom in a bouncy chair. Usually I would feed and change him, run my bath and he would have his afternoon nap whilst I had a soak.

you need to give your self permission to let some things slide. Don’t worry if the washing doesn’t get done one day or tea is a meal for two from the supermarket or a bag of chips, or even sandwiches. One day a week or even two it doesn’t matter.

make the effort to go for a daily walk. It will make your skin feel healthier and baby crying doesn’t seem to bad when you’re in nature. Take a book and if baby sleeps, sit on a bench and read a chapter or two. Find out if your local gym has a crèche facility - some do! Find a hobby. Something like crochet or needle craft or painting, even painting your nails! Something that you can do for you. And that you enjoy. …

but don’t sit at home for your maternity leave it will drive your crazy.

@YoNoHeSido77 If you were fine with it pre baby I’d think it’s more your PND that’s talking.

Many of us don't appreciate how hard a baby can be before we have one (myself included).

I felt like this on both maternity leaves…haaaated it. Guess I was almost resentful that he got to go out to work and I had to stay at home and be a slave to the house and baby schedule like you said

It got much easier when I went back to work and felt like I had a small amount of normality again

Just read your update - can you not organise for someone to take baby even one afternoon a week so you can have some quality time to yourself?

I didn’t enjoy maternity leave with my first child. It’s such a big change and I felt lonely and isolated. Husband was around and tried his best but didn’t really get it. Life improved drastically when I went back to work and felt I got a bit of myself back. I don’t think moving to Dubai is going to help. It does get easier as the children get a bit older and you have a better balance for yourself.