Hand flapping

I don't think I'm being too harsh at all.
As someone in her 40s who was first diagnosed in my teens, I've had decades of exposure to people using crass language about Autistics and I've heard the entire litany of 'weird', 'strange', 'odd', 's*z and, with 2 Autistic DC, I've been through the entire shitshow of barriers and prejudice on behalf of my daughters (who, at 7, aren't old enough to advocate on behalf of theirselves).

If I saw someone doing this I would look. fleetingly but would not be judgmental. I doubt most people would be to be honest.

Can I be honest ? You come across as someone who would deal with a diagnosis so badly I doubt you would I even admit the possibility of autism or other issue ? Flapping ( stimming ) at that age is not happening without a issue . Whatever the issue is you should never be embarrassed by your child behaviour when it’s something that is not controlled or hurting anyway .

Hi OP,

I’ve had a tic disorder since I was a baby, diagnosed by CAMHS and I still have it now in my 20s — it’s likely something I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I understand that you didn’t express your thoughts directly to your daughter, and so don’t think people should be harsh with you when we all have thoughts we're ashamed of and need support. But I do want to share how it feels from my perspective.

Hearing that you find the tics “abnormal” really stings. That kind of judgment — even when unintentional — is something I’ve carried for years. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling embarrassed about something I can’t control. If I had known my mum felt that way too, it would have crushed me.

Your daughter needs to know that you’re on her side, unconditionally. Let her know that her tics or stims aren’t something to be ashamed of. And — to be honest — it’s really important that you work through your own embarrassment, because she’ll pick up on it, even if you don’t say it out loud.

Also, just to add — I don’t have autism, so tics and stims don’t always go hand-in-hand with that. I do have OCD, though, and it's worth keeping an eye on things like that, but not overthinking it either. There are so many neurodiverse kids who grow up happy and confident. It’s not a taboo.
Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk more

Great post. And your son sounds so impressive with his swimming. I wish him all the best.

I think you’re being too harsh. This parent may or may not be at the start of their ‘journey’ with an autistic child. She is probably worried and scared and may not have had much exposure to autistic children.

She may have read many of the threads here with parents at the end of their tether due to issues either with their autistic children or schools or the people around them. Just on MN there are countless threads from parents who are feeling worn out, who may have been assaulted, who are exhausted and not sleeping etc. It does not mean ofc that they are judging their children or that they would want their children to change. They are just struggling with some of the aspects of the autistic behaviour and a world that cannot adapt.

I don’t think people should be so quick to judge the poster who is just asking questions at this stage.

I would put money on the OP being a loving and dedicated mum who is just feeling anxious at the moment.

But we have a parent here who is worried about their child’s life and we need to support the feelings not the semantic expression of those

I suppose I feel it's possible to do both, which is why I've given genuine advice and input but also tried to explain why some posters have felt offended by language used.

I think that it's important to challenge ableism in all it's forms (intentional or not) but I also think it's possible to do so politely and whilst acknowledging that someone has posted in good faith. It's an emotive subject though and inevitably some posters will feel triggered by certain comments that have been made on this thread. We all want the best for our children at the end of the day.

My daughter was diagnosed in her 40s. I didn’t notice anything during her childhood but now so many things have become clear! Your daughter may be autistic or she may not, but what she needs is acceptance of her being her. There are so many people who are being diagnosed these days and so people will probably see her flapping her hands and maybe have a fleeting thought that she may be autistic and then they will move on. There are quite a lot of autistic children in my family and to be honest, I think their various quirks add to their personalities. One of my grandchildren talks at me about his obsession and seemingly never runs out of facts and figures. I love our conversations even if my contribution is a lot of “Wow, that’s so interesting “ or “Really? I didn’t know that “ . I hope that he feels loved and appreciated by me, because he certainly is.

I do think it’s different post diagnosis than pre.

it’s natural to worry about your children. We all do it. Some worry about traits of ND, some that they are great readers compared to classmates, some that they are too bossy or too shy. It’s not done because we think there’s anything wrong with children who have these traits but more a mother’s concern about their child’s life and struggles they may have.

I certainly worried when my ds mobility started to deteriorate. I work in Send Ed. With pupils with severe send. I obviously worried what the future could hold.

He’s now a para swimmer and uses a wheelchair at times as he can’t walk far. He competes for GB sometimes internationally. That didn’t mean my fears were wrong nor that watching his mobility deteriorate is wrong.

Doesn’t mean I sometimes wish he didn’t have these barriers to life others don’t.

Also doesn’t mean I love him any more or less than another parent.

Nor does it mean I can always express my fears in text in a way that every audience member finds acceptable.

Bit we have a parent here who is worried about their child’s life and we need to support the feelings not the semantic expression of those.

I wouldn't change my DS for anything. But I wish the neuro muscular degenerative condition and autism hadn’t made his childhood as hard as it has been at times.

Does she have a toy that she likes. Hand it to her the minute she leaves school. We have a few with ASD in our groups and they will often come in with a “flapper” that they wave about. It could just be a folded piece of paper but thats what the child calls it.

My son used to do this. From being tiny, up until about 10 years old. There is no ASD at all, he just flapped when he was excited or happy! So, no! Based on what you said, I don’t think you should be worried!

Sound like a good idea OP. And maybe stop worrying over perfectly ‘normal’ things like hand flapping. ND or NT - how wonderful to see your child happy - instead you went to worried and embarrassed. This isn’t anything to be WORRIED about.

Because it’s not the end of the world in a child who has otherwise met their milestones. Both mine are autistic with ADHD. One has had severe issues, not helped by late diagnosis because she is a girl. One is off to a Russell group uni in september, the other being courted by them for next year.

However, I have friends whose children are NOT ASD - drug issues, promiscuity and drinking from 14/15, a pregnancy scare. Yes, my children have had significant issues, the older one losing 2 years of school to lack of diagnosis/depression, but I can’t say that some of my friends’ NT children have necessarily had it easier or are less challenging. Every child is different, every child has their hurdles. ‘Fearing’ autism and not simply asking the SENCo for an observation and referral if warranted is not in any child’s interests. You play the cards you are dealt.

Well, let's hope your kid isn't Autistic for her sake because with a Mother that's embarrassed with a bit of hand flapping, fuck knows how you'd feel if she demonstrated any other 'odd behaviour' (your words).

Yours sincerely,

AuDHD Mum of AuDHD twins 🖕🖕🖕

I must be 'unnatural' then because I would not rather my Autistic children weren't Autistic. I worry about them, of course. But their Autism is part of them, and I love them for who they are. I don't know who they'd be if they weren't Autistic, they would be completely different children. Do I wish life was easier for them? Of course, yes but if they were NT they could still have plenty of challenges. The main thing I worry about is the judgement and prejudice they will likely face from people with little understanding of Autism.

OP, try not take the comments to heart. You are just worried and expressing your feelings here. You are not treating your daughter badly because of it.

I’m sure many parents of kids who behave differently, feel embarrassed at the start. Or a bit self-conscious.Over time, however they get used to it, they understand it and then become their kids’ biggest defenders. But I’m sure most struggled at the very beginning.

None of us are perfect. You feel what you feel. Just keep an eye on the bigger picture and do get your child assessed if you have more concerns.

Why is it horrible? Being autistic can make a child's life harder so naturally you would rather they weren't autistic because you want the best for your child. Autism isn't a super power. (Currently suspect my three year old son with a speech delay is autistic and yes I do rather worried about it).

Hiya OP

Sometimes there's a lack of understanding, autism is a spectrum and that individuals experience it differently.

Autistic individuals consciously or unconsciously suppress or modify behaviors and reactions to appear less autistic, often to fit in or avoid judgment especially when they are a child and in school.

It's more comment within girl, they mask very good.
It's can take years for girls to be diagnosed with ASD.

My daughter is the same age as your child, you wouldn't know that she is autistic, she is a social butterfly, shows plenty of empathy, sometimes too much and she is very academic, she has no special interests, she also loves flapping her hands and flicking her fingers. There is no stopping it,

My advice, she could be masking so do not rule it out just because she doesn't tick all the ASD boxes. My kids don't. Speak with the SENCO. X

Both my children are autistic and neither have ever hand flapped. So there is that.

There is no ‘mild’ or ‘severe’ ‘end’ of the ‘spectrum’. It is not a linear scale. It is more like the colour spectrum with a variety of individual scales of different signs/symptoms within it, hence why they call it a ‘spiky profile’ for many people.

I love the flapping! DD doesn't do it much any more now she's 14. At 7 I would have said she wasn't autistic, there was hand flapping and some other stuff I hadn't recognised yet, but she met all her milestones, loved life, loved school, had friends etc. She was diagnosed at 11. She doesn't have very high support needs but has some. But she will almost certainly live independently as an adult, work etc.

Im not going to argue about semantics. My point is when people are asking for help/opinions/advice simply replying “ educate yourself “ is uncalled for. If you don’t want to help the OP fine !