another row with SS and DIL

Original poster

Countesschaos · 27/04/2025 18:11

rainbowstardrops · 26/04/2025 17:53

So DIL’s parent’s set up is similar to you with your daughters and yet they’re right and you’re wrong? I’d be pointing that out loud and clear!
SS and DIL are users and sound as if they’d pass their poor little baby off to anyone as often as they could.
I still think you have a whopping big DH problem too though.

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i think this is why its so frustrating, although, i do see my daughter fairly regularly, we are never 'childcare', when we see her and the baby, its 'us' time. baby very rarely sleeps over at ours, mainly i guess because they know the issues i have health wise but they will ask from time to time if they have plans etc. i certainly do not do as much for my DD as DIL's parents do for her, but she seems to have this idea in her head that i'm with GC all the time when its simply not true. the babies are very close in age, and i suspect its a competition for DIL.

our DD has chosen not to ever show GC's face on any social media platform, infact they very rarely post anything at all, where as SS and DIL are posting multiple photos a day, showing the world their incrediable life and little family and we know its all smoke and mirrors.

but, as i've said, coming on here, and reading the replies, its given me a chance to sort things in my head. We, and i do include DH in this, will stick to our guns, as will i, i'm not competing for top Nana position, its not a competition.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 26/04/2025 17:53

Countesschaos · 25/04/2025 19:57

as i've explained, we have not said 'never' we have simply said 'not now'. it is impossible for us to build a bond with this child given the distance away they live, our working hours, and our other family committements. we have explained to them that we feel its unfair for us to have a child overnight who is confused, probably frightened and normally poorly.

on most occasions when we have picked up the child, as the car door has closed we've been told 'oh by the way he's got a cold, the runs, a cough here are his meds, and the car door is closed on us. so not only are we dealing with a poorly child, we are potentially passing all these lovely germs too the rest of the family. my other GC has ended up being blue lighted to a&e 3 times now after being in contact with the other poorly GC, so DD was (quite rightly) refusing to bring hers round for playdates. SS and DIL want both GC to have a good bond and encourage playdates as often as we can fit them in. and we haven't even discussed the fact that most of these coughs, colds and upset tummies also end up being passed to us. When my husband is poorly he is not paid for being off sick, luckily i am.

its a 2 hour round trip to collect the child and i have to do both trips, the collecting and the taking back home.

when i said me and my husband were exhausted.. we were genuinely exhausted! i've already mentioned i have mobility issues and we are not getting any younger, so yes at the moment we do prefer to see GC in company of mum and dad until there is no need to pick up and carrying him everywhere? and because after a sleepover, we were exhausted, usually poorly and in pain, that then affects our quality of life.

DIL's parents are heavily involved with their GC, they have him about 3 days a week and he sleeps over once or twice a week. DIL's parents live just round the corner, yet SS and DIL refuse to understand that this is exactly how things are with my DD.

Bio mum of SS is not on the scene, and the woman he grew up with and who he classes his mum lives abroad. Of course when she returns for visits, we are then not expected or allowed to see the child at all!

We are standing our ground, we have explained all our reasons over and over, but they are simply refusing to hear us.

Sorry, i rambled. I have decided to step away from all of it. I am forgiving myself. I am not this grown mans mother, i am not obliged to provide childcare for their child.

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So DIL’s parent’s set up is similar to you with your daughters and yet they’re right and you’re wrong? I’d be pointing that out loud and clear!
SS and DIL are users and sound as if they’d pass their poor little baby off to anyone as often as they could.
I still think you have a whopping big DH problem too though.

Fourfurrymonsters · 26/04/2025 17:18

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/04/2025 10:49

I think you're a bloody saint trying to single handedly make this shitshow work. They can harbour whatever opinions they want about what you should do for them, it doesn't make any of them right, fair or reasonable. They sound very entitled, a bit dim and very inconsiderate. I'd drop the rope with them and tell your DH you're fast losing respect for him for being such a wet lettuce with his son and DIL. And there's you doing all the fucking driving as well to make their contact plans work .

Completely agree @HomeTheatreSystem
I can’t believe the audacity of these people, or of your DH, OP. He needs to step up and shut this nonsense down. I’d take a massive step back if I were you.

Original poster

Countesschaos · 26/04/2025 15:32

Elsvieta · 26/04/2025 10:34

Do you think maybe you're being a tiny bit sexist here? Would you think anything of it if it was the other way round with who works 5 days and who works 3? Even if there was anything to be "confused" about (there isn't), this isn't one of those times where your thoughts should be voiced.

Do the childcare that suits you and no more and ignore any whining. If they've got anything to say, refer them to your DH. If he reckons they're "hurt" (diddums), suggest he talks to them about it and not you. Do what you're going to do, don't apologize for it, and get on with your day (or, to put it another way, act like a man). Your husband seems pretty keen to throw any problems with his family to you; throw 'em back. Why is this stuff always treated as the responsibility of the nearest woman? Put your foot down.

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im not entirely sure its being sexist stating the she works 5 days and he works 3. if it was the other way round and he worked 5 and she worked 3, and they still maoned and complained about having no money then i would point at that perhaps she could pick up another days work? but i'm not allowed to suggest a woman do more, and i am not allowed to suggest a man should do more because its sexist. why should she have to be the one to increase her hours? when there is very clearly room for him too?

but, i'm over all of that now. my battle lines have been drawn with SS, DIL and DH. they are all fully aware now of my boundaries and aware of the consequences of crossing them in the future.

so we shall see how it all pans out.

OP posts:

MakeItToTheMoon · 26/04/2025 12:21

OP you’re doing well to try to juggle seeing your GC as well as living your own life. It really seems like they don’t want the responsibility of looking after their own child. Your DILs parents seem to do 50% of their parenting!

I find it so annoying when people have children just to offload on to family members… your SS doesn’t even work FT! They really need to grow up and take responsibility of their own life. Its ridiculous.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/04/2025 10:49

I think you're a bloody saint trying to single handedly make this shitshow work. They can harbour whatever opinions they want about what you should do for them, it doesn't make any of them right, fair or reasonable. They sound very entitled, a bit dim and very inconsiderate. I'd drop the rope with them and tell your DH you're fast losing respect for him for being such a wet lettuce with his son and DIL. And there's you doing all the fucking driving as well to make their contact plans work .

Elsvieta · 26/04/2025 10:34

Countesschaos · 24/04/2025 18:10

And I agree their working arrangements are non of my business I was simply confused why she has to work 5 days a week to bring in the money, yet he is only prepared to work 3? But I’ve taken comments on board and leaving them too it

Do you think maybe you're being a tiny bit sexist here? Would you think anything of it if it was the other way round with who works 5 days and who works 3? Even if there was anything to be "confused" about (there isn't), this isn't one of those times where your thoughts should be voiced.

Do the childcare that suits you and no more and ignore any whining. If they've got anything to say, refer them to your DH. If he reckons they're "hurt" (diddums), suggest he talks to them about it and not you. Do what you're going to do, don't apologize for it, and get on with your day (or, to put it another way, act like a man). Your husband seems pretty keen to throw any problems with his family to you; throw 'em back. Why is this stuff always treated as the responsibility of the nearest woman? Put your foot down.

SipandClean · 25/04/2025 23:35

These people who can’t be bothered to learn to drive and then expect other people to do all the running around on their behalf.

Oneearringlost · 25/04/2025 21:42

XelaM · 24/04/2025 22:34

I know on Mumsnet it's common that grandparents don't like spending excessive time with their grandkids, but I'll be honest and say I cannot envisage a scenario where either my parents or my (ex-)MIL and FIL would put a stop to having my daughter for sleepovers. It just would never occur to them because they adore their grandkids and will help out wherever they can. So in my view, you're the weird one.

Did you read abd understand WHY the OP decided to stop the sleepovers?
That's quite key, and very reasonable.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 25/04/2025 21:26

I really hope your DH follows through and sees them without you having to be there on every occasion. You are entirely entitled to see your DD and her DC as often as you want. Our DD lives nearby with DGC, I am lucky that I get to see them a few times a week and they pop over regularly for dinner, coffee or the occasional nap!

Original poster

Countesschaos · 25/04/2025 21:13

Barneysmomma · 25/04/2025 21:10

So your SDIL's parents have the DGC 3 days a week plus 1 or 2 nights? Don't want to get shot down in flames here but how much time do SS & his wife actually spend with their child?

Indeed… it’s not my job to judge their parenting! DIL has a very large social circle, I can say that every weekend in April she’s been away and he’s had to take leave from work, I think this is why things are coming to a head! I’ve seen his rota at work and he’s worked 1 day out of the last 14 days!

OP posts:

Barneysmomma · 25/04/2025 21:10

So your SDIL's parents have the DGC 3 days a week plus 1 or 2 nights? Don't want to get shot down in flames here but how much time do SS & his wife actually spend with their child?

Original poster

Countesschaos · 25/04/2025 20:04

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 25/04/2025 13:22

Show your husband this thread OP. Maybe the chorus of women agreeing with you, and those voices suggesting that you leave him, will help open his eyes.

While it's lovely that your SS sees your daughters as his sisters, he and your husband need to absorb and appreciate this; it's 2025 and child care is not "women's work". There is nothing stopping your husband from seeing his son and grandchildren without you, other than his own laziness and incompetence. If he chooses to not maximise the time he could spend with them, purely because you are not also there, I can only suggest that he just doesn't love them enough to make a basic effort. Can he learn to drive or use public transport? If he loved the GC, then he would.

we have had some very long talks, lots of tears of frustration and anger from me. i have to accept that my DH is never going to change. so i have to look at what i can do, at the moment, leaving him is not really what i want so i consider this to be last on the list. we have agreed that we will try offer a sleep over once every 3 months, and this is purely because every 12 weeks my DH has a long stretch off work, so even if i am working, DH (who was himself a single dad for 10 years) is more than capable to looking after GC without me.

we have also agreed (or should i say he has) that there is no reason why he can't arrange meet ups with his son and the GC on the days where i am at work and he is at home. DH does not have hobies or engagements on days off like i do, he litterally sits at home (does the odd chore) and waits for me to return home from work. He has agreed that he is going to TRY sort out 1 day a month where he does this. and of course we will continue to see GC at least twice a month as we have been doing irrespective of sleepovers since GC was born!

and basically if thats not good enough for SS and DIL, then we are doomed to never achieve their expectations.

OP posts:

Original poster

Countesschaos · 25/04/2025 19:57

EuclidianGeometryFan · 23/04/2025 11:29

SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!
to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

Do you actually want to spend time with SS and DIL? If yes, tell them this, and ask to see them individually as adults without GC present, i.e. see them each separately while the other has GC.

If you don't particularly want to see SS and DIL, then just offer to have sleepovers with GC as and when it suit you. Offer them firm dates - I bet they say yes, because they want the child-free time.

Or is it that you want to see GC but only during the day and with SS and DIL around so that they are still doing the parenting? If so, then unfortunately this is not something you can expect. SS and DIL would find this a raw deal - they are still parenting and having to host a visitor on top, or if at your place they are still parenting and having to travel to another person's house on top. If they don't value your company but do value child-free time, this just won't appeal to them.

Obviously, sending a spreadsheet is just weird. Have a conversation about dates when you both have calendars/diaries in front of you.