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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving lifts after work

229 replies

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 10:50

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

OP posts:
Gundogday · 23/04/2025 13:27

I agree, still not your problem.

Gundogday · 23/04/2025 13:26

I would stop doing it every day also. If she’s waiting by your car, just say you’re not going her direction. Be firm. I agree with above poster and be evasive and simply say it doesn’t work for you. No explanation needed. Keep repeating yourself if you have to.

Her journey home us not your responsibility and 20-30 minutes every day a lot! If other people say you’re not being very helpful (it happens) then suggest they run her home.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/04/2025 13:22

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 13:10

I had mentioned that it was adding extra time onto my journey before Easter so expected things to fizzle out
she now has to go every evening due to it being charity work that volunteers have pulled out of so not for selfish reasons
I did help once with the charity so that’s what makes it less straightforward

It is still "not your problem".

LadyKenya · 23/04/2025 13:19

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 13:15

Thanks for all your comments I needed to get some moral support before messaging her as I wasn’t sure if the extra time out of my way was not that much and I was being selfish

It is not a question of being selfish, more that the toll it is taking on you, and your health, which should not be ignored. By all means continue with the Fridays, if you are able to.

Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 13:15

Thanks for all your comments I needed to get some moral support before messaging her as I wasn’t sure if the extra time out of my way was not that much and I was being selfish

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 23/04/2025 13:15

That is of course fair enough OP. Are you able to see yourself continuing doing this, for however long? It would seem not to be the case, so it would be better to give her a little time to sort something else out.

outerspacepotato · 23/04/2025 13:13

This is not your problem. She needs to arrange her own transportation or God forbid, take two buses.

She's taking advantage and you're being a doormat.

Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 13:10

I had mentioned that it was adding extra time onto my journey before Easter so expected things to fizzle out
she now has to go every evening due to it being charity work that volunteers have pulled out of so not for selfish reasons
I did help once with the charity so that’s what makes it less straightforward

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/04/2025 13:00

No way would I be driving 20 mins out of my way everyday!!!

That’s massive and so presumptuous

LadyKenya · 23/04/2025 12:26

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 11:36

We sit and chat at lunchtime so we are quite friendly in general
its only recently it’s turned a bit sour
she offers no petrol money
English is not her first language so things get lost a bit in translation

Things never managed to get lost in translation when it changed into getting a lift everyday to wherever she is going. It should be easy enough to say that you will only be giving a lift on Fridays, going forward.

Iheartmysmart · 23/04/2025 12:22

I’ve found that a combination of my love of Slipknot played very loudly and driving my car like a go-kart means very few people ask for a lift more than once.

BCSurvivor · 23/04/2025 12:21

OP, she's clearly taking advantage of you, and English not being her first language is certainly not an excuse for one evening a week becoming every evening and never an offer of petrol money.
She's fully aware of what she's doing, and a favour has now become an expectation.
Send the text, you don't need to elaborate on why, but please don't let her continue to walk all over you.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/04/2025 12:19

If someone says why to my no, I just reply, because I don't want to and it isnt convenient for me. That shuts them up. Do it, you will feel great.

2chocolateoranges · 23/04/2025 12:18

As a one off, yes I've done it but every night. Not a chance.

I'd text.

Just to make you aware, as of Monday I will no longer be able to drive you home after work.

No reason and no sorry.

She needs to make other plans as she's a CF!

Gettingbysomehow · 23/04/2025 12:17

Absolutely not, no and no again. I'm in my 60's and say no to any bullshit like this. Why doesn't she drive. Don't make an excuse just tell her you can't do it any more and that she'll have to ask someone else.
If someone tried debating things with me after work when I'm tired they would find themselves on the side of the road and walking home.
As is said on mumsnet no is a full sentence. Time to start toughening up.

MrsPeterHarris · 23/04/2025 12:12

GabriellaMontez · 23/04/2025 12:09

Choices...

Let her treat you like a doormat.
OR
Say something - either one of the ideas on here, a vague personal commitment or the truth.

These CF are very thick skinned. They aren't sensitive people. She's never going to say "if it's ok"? You will have to be as direct as her.

This!

WaltzingWaters · 23/04/2025 12:10

If it added a few minutes to the journey perhaps I’d do it once a week. But half an hour, not a chance. That’s precious time after work! I’d be telling her I could no longer do it at all. You don’t need to give a reason but you can make up commitments if you feel you can’t just say no more.

GonzoParker · 23/04/2025 12:10

I think you’re real question is why the hell are you doing this in the first place

hell no

GabriellaMontez · 23/04/2025 12:09

Choices...

Let her treat you like a doormat.
OR
Say something - either one of the ideas on here, a vague personal commitment or the truth.

These CF are very thick skinned. They aren't sensitive people. She's never going to say "if it's ok"? You will have to be as direct as her.

MassiveOvaryaction · 23/04/2025 12:08

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 11:36

We sit and chat at lunchtime so we are quite friendly in general
its only recently it’s turned a bit sour
she offers no petrol money
English is not her first language so things get lost a bit in translation

Pretty sure she'd understand "piss off you cheeky git!"

tryingtobesogood · 23/04/2025 12:07

Good grief, please tell her no, I know she won't like it but this is far too much for you to be doing.

LunchtimeNaps · 23/04/2025 12:03

What did she do before you offered her lifts?

CandyCane457 · 23/04/2025 12:02

It’s not always easy but jusy tell her no. Say you’re really noticing how the extra half hour travel is really eating into your evenings and you don’t have enough time to get jobs done and relax. Say you’re happy to still do it Friday, but no other day. And don’t worry that she has to get two buses, that’s her problem not yours.

outerspacepotato · 23/04/2025 12:01

Stop chauffeuring her.

"I'm not able to drive you anymore."

If she asks why, "It's personal."

GoldDuster · 23/04/2025 11:57

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 11:36

We sit and chat at lunchtime so we are quite friendly in general
its only recently it’s turned a bit sour
she offers no petrol money
English is not her first language so things get lost a bit in translation

You're somehow feeling held to ransom and responsible for driving 30 minutes out of your way when you don't want to do it. You need to try to work out what you are afraid of happening if you say no can do. She might not be your friend? That's fine, because she's not your friend now. This is not a friendship, it's a convenience for her, and you are allowed to draw and end to it.

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