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AIBU?

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Original poster

Giving lifts after work

229 replies

ChubbyForensics · 23/04/2025 10:50

Bit of background I’m 50 years old not sleeping enough due to waking in the night as a symptom of perimenopause

I work full time and leave the house at 7.10 am to drive to work it’s a 45 minute drive.

I struggle with fatigue so when I get home at 4.45 I have a nap until 6.30, this is enough to keep me going and able to hold down full time job.

Now for the AIBU part.

A colleague asked me for a lift somewhere she goes on a Friday. It’s a slightly longer route for me and I have to pull off the main road to park so it adds on 20 minutes to half an hour. When it was once a week I didn’t mind it was a good chance to catch up.

now this has turned into everyday Monday to Friday It’s adding extra time and miles and we sometimes argue / debate strongly so it’s not very relaxing I can tell I get on her nerves now it’s everyday. I’m getting home later and struggling to do things after work.

The assumption is I will automatically give her a lift she waits by my car. She has started monitoring if I’m in and texts me before I finish with where are you etc as she finishes slightly earlier than me.

AIBU to tell her I can only do it on Fridays? She would need to get two buses otherwise. I depleted by this and think it’s tipping the balance and making me more fatigued.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 25/04/2025 07:48

Just say a big fat no or if you can’t do that discover an aging friend/relative who lives in the opposite direction that you must visit every day after work as she’s ill/got problems etc. Therefore you can’t possible give her a lift. It’s happened to me - 20 minutes out of my way, no offer of petrol money, not good company and the final straw didn’t even buy me a coffee when I was directly behind him in the queue…..this was after several free lifts. Fortunately I had a friend who lived in the opposite direction and needed me every evening. I’m afraid I wasn’t tough enough to say no to the CF.

MrsMitford3 · 25/04/2025 07:43

Morning @ChubbyForensics

I really think you need a clean break. All you are doing by doing friday is leaving the door ajar and based on her history she will use that opening to push for more.

You have to pull the plug. No more rides. Period. Full stop. No. End of discussion.

And don't worry if you lose her as a friend-she was never your friend-she was using you.

Walk away!! (well drive away actually) and don't look back!!

arcticpandas · 25/04/2025 07:03

ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:41

She did seem bit shitty today at one point and I felt uncomfortable after chatting with her
so will see how it goes I can avoid her if necessary

Show quote history

Put a stop to Fridays as well. She's an ungrateful CF who you shouldn't spend any of your precious time on. I'm like you; I like to be able to help out but only if the person 1. Really needs it 2. Is a good person and not a CF. She doesn't qualify on those criterias so tell her you got family obligations and won't be able to help her out anymore.

MoreChocPls · 25/04/2025 06:33

Stop in way home with her and get petrol. Ask her to pay for it,

and stop giving this selfish lazy entitled cf woman lifts.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 25/04/2025 06:33

I have long term chronic fatigue and I can’t emphasise enough that management is the key. If you find a 45 minute nap after getting home works stick with that. Some people find a routine similar to yours works, almost like it re-programmes your brain so if it does do not disrupt it for anyone.
And x gives me a lift = I offer towards petrol doesnt get lost in any translation, it translates as taking advantage.

HallidayJones6779 · 25/04/2025 05:22

pollyglot · 25/04/2025 05:18

OP - her response was just "OK, that's fine"??? No "thanks" attached? Withdraw all lifts right now. Rudeness and ingratitude are unforgivable.

Also - totally agree with this!!!

HallidayJones6779 · 25/04/2025 05:20

Well done you for biting the bullet and putting a stop to Mon-Thursday. Personally, I wouldn't be doing Friday either. It's one thing being nice and helping her out in an emergency, it's another thing to become responsible for getting her to whatever she is doing regularly.

Just to share for moral support - I once got drawn into a car share with someone at work who lived close by (so didn't add more than 5 mins to my journey). I presumed she'd drive one week and I'd drive the next and it would help to save some money. Wrong. Turns out, she didn't have a car and the 'car share' was her sharing my car. At first I did it because I felt bad but when she started to tell me about her house renovations and holidays I realised I was helping to fund that... so I soon put a stop to it. I valued my quiet time on the commute more than the couple of pounds she offered to give me. Even though, as a people pleaser, I found it hard and awkward.

Some people will take advantage if you let them. I'm glad you haven't let this person continue to do so!

pollyglot · 25/04/2025 05:18

OP - her response was just "OK, that's fine"??? No "thanks" attached? Withdraw all lifts right now. Rudeness and ingratitude are unforgivable.

olympicsrock · 25/04/2025 04:54

Hey Op if you are night waking …
it’s rubbish. Yes this lady is a CF

fairybower · 25/04/2025 03:48

Like you're her own private taxi service, that is also free! I do hope you are able to extricate yourself completely from this unwanted obligation asap. Fuck even doing the Fridays, when you are probably most in need of a rest.

Inthetyreshop · 25/04/2025 03:27

I use to do stuff like this all the time and people would always take advantage,
you don’t need to do it only Fridays just don’t do it at all anymore.
lie and say you are looking after your friends cat whilst she is away for a month and have to go to her house, which is out of way. After a month she will get use to finding her own way home

Tbrh · 25/04/2025 02:48

I wouldn't do it at all, the fact she's never given you anything for petrol says it all

pineapplesundae · 25/04/2025 02:42

Lots of people take the bus. Just tell her you can no longer take these side trips.

IReallyLoveItHere · 24/04/2025 22:03

ScaryM0nster · 23/04/2025 11:11

‘Hi,
just to give you a heads up - changing a few things up which means from next Monday I’ll need to be home promptly most nights so won’t be able to drop you off any more. Realise that this has drifted from being once a week to most evenings, so wanted to give you a bit of warning so can make other arrangements. ‘

This is great

Terrapinn · 24/04/2025 22:01

ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:19

Yes I’m on HRT evorel patches but I may ask to change brand due to the night waking

Show quote history

You should also be on progesterone tabs with your oestrogen patch (toprotect against endometrial cancer - taking prog tabs at night sends you into a wonderful unbroken sleep. That was the most significant part of HRT for me.

Chattie89 · 24/04/2025 21:23

Stick to your guns OP. If she wants to be off with you just pretend to not notice. She sounds like a massive CF. Taking multiple buses is not a pleasant daily commute for anyone so I'm not surprised she'd rather sit in your nice comfy car for free.

In my experience some non-drivers (not all, but definitely some) can tend to be somewhat entitled to lifts. Perhaps because they don't drive they don't realise what a faff it is to drive 10 mins out of the way, but actually once you've found somewhere safe to stop, let them out, turned the car around and driven 10 mins back that's easily an extra half an hour on your journey home.

croydon15 · 24/04/2025 21:10

The least she can do is offer to pay petrol
Adding 1/2 hour to your journey every day l would not do.

cleowasmycat · 24/04/2025 21:06

ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:19

Yes I’m on HRT evorel patches but I may ask to change brand due to the night waking

Show quote history

Try taking magnesium glysinate. I recommend this one

https://amzn.eu/d/aI2TsK7

TellingBone · 24/04/2025 21:01

Interested to see how it goes tomorrow OP. Stick to your guns

Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:41

ChocolateAddictAlways · 24/04/2025 19:01

Your health is a priority and long term fatigue isn’t conducive to feeling well. Hope all goes well and she doesn’t make things tricky going forward.

Show quote history

She did seem bit shitty today at one point and I felt uncomfortable after chatting with her
so will see how it goes I can avoid her if necessary

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:37

m00rfarm · 23/04/2025 18:13

Maybe she doesn;t actually want the lift, but feels that you expect her to want it (if you see what I mean). She did not seem that bothered when you said you would not be doing it any more!

Thanks for your comment
she definitely asks for lifts I didn’t suggest it. She asked which way I drive home and could I drop her off on a Friday originally I said I could take an alternate route and do that. Then it changed to every day.
I have adjusted my attitude towards her from people pleasing / wanting to help as I realised I do have that attitude as I would towards a friend
but I don’t think the feeling is mutual so I will need to be mindful not to slip back into that pattern

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:25

Dogsbreath7 · 24/04/2025 19:05

I wouldn’t do it full stop other than an occasional lift. I also suffer from fatigue through weakening. Lack of sleep is a torture technique! It really is dangerous to drive in that state.

Its immaterial to the advice but just an indication of the CFery and entitlement us she even offering to pay you? This is an extra 30mins am and night 5 days a week? 5 hrs driving her?

Just say No can do.

She needs to get a car or a new job.

Even worse she is poor company.

pm only and no offer of petrol money

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:21

FairFuming · 24/04/2025 20:17

You've been driving 2 hours out of your way per week and she didn't even offer petrol money!? You've done the right thing

Yes it’s a slightly longer route and I need to park on a side street by the time I get home the traffic has built up plus she doesn’t always get out of the car straight away

OP posts:
Original poster
ChubbyForensics · 24/04/2025 20:19

cleowasmycat · 24/04/2025 20:11

Aside from the CF, have you explored HRT for your fatigue and sleep?

Show quote history

Yes I’m on HRT evorel patches but I may ask to change brand due to the night waking

OP posts:
FairFuming · 24/04/2025 20:17

You've been driving 2 hours out of your way per week and she didn't even offer petrol money!? You've done the right thing