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AIBU?

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Original poster

When people say “if you need help, ask”…

105 replies

lalavander · 23/04/2025 08:56

Does anyone else struggle with this one? Actually asking for help?

We are going through a lot of turbulence at the moment, recently diagnosed teenager (autism and adhd), a younger child who struggles with being around older sibling / at home with them because of the outbursts and conflict that seem to stem from the diagnoses. I guess we’ve always lived this but now we have an explanation.

DH is working more than ever and travelling for work now- no choice.

I’m juggling work around the kids (albeit badly and neglecting my business) and we are slowly coming to terms with the fact we are going to have to sell our home (meant to be our forever home) as we can’t keep up with inflated mortgage payments - dh also had to take a pay cut a few years ago when he closed his business and became employed. It’s just been constant.

Meanwhile we keep getting very unhelpful but well meant advice from our parents. Along with- if you need us; just ask- Problem is when we have in the past (not financial, we’d not ask for money, despite them having more than they literally know what to do with) it’s been a cause of friction.

Both dh’s parents are fully retired and live 5 minutes away, they have a playroom set up for the kids, a special room for the kids to sleep etc but they never invite them over, offer to pick them up from school for an hour- literally nothing. In the past when we’ve asked for childcare support regularly it’s ended in them feeling used / has strings attached / causes upset (this is 10 years ago now) so I feel reluctant to ask for any support but I can’t help but feel like we are drowning here and I’m just feeling really alone and sad.

Meanwhile my own mother is 67 and still having to work, lives further away, can’t afford petrol really but ultimately if we NEED her, she’s there. Just can’t put on her anymore than the occasional help without feeling very guilty. She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.

When people say “if we can help just ask” why don’t they just offer? Is it because it’s performative? Or do they genuinely want to help but need us to ask?

It would be nice to feel like we genuinely had just a little support from people who are willing to do so but it’s just not the case. We have been invited around for dinner as a family at theirs this weekend where I’m going to have to listen to a lot of really unhelpful suggestions that I find frustrating to listen to- they don’t seem to realise how tied our hands are or just how much we are struggling and I’m not sure I can smile through another “if you need us; just ask” comment.

Aibu to NOT want to ASK? Maybe this is a ME thing and I should just start asking for a little support with the children? Rather than sitting here frustrated we don’t get any meaningful support or maybe I’m being rightly tentative due to the past and how that’s worked out for us ?

OP posts:
Original poster
lalavander · 23/04/2025 09:04

WasherWoman25 · 23/04/2025 09:00

I don’t have any answers for you but want to say you are not alone.
In a similar case, my parents, now disabled and on state pension will be there for what ever we need. PIL healthy and plenty of money make asking for anything painful or we never hear the end of it yet do all the Facebook posts of my wonderful grandchildren type thing.

Thank you. I actually find it really hard to listen to people complain about parents who are supportive but not “enough”. Even watching grandparents on the school run or at the park with their GC gets to me. Theres an actual blind grandparent who walks their GC to and from school daily (not that I expect this but come onnnnnn). Where’s my village at? Ha.ha.ha.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2025 09:04

Some people genuinely keen to help

Others just want to feel good for offering

It's usually pretty clear what category people are in

Original poster
lalavander · 23/04/2025 09:01

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/04/2025 09:00

We had close friends who said this when (we all lived abroad at the time) my partner suffered an accident, was in hospital for a while and was then temporarily disabled - all while we were packing up to move house.

I asked if they could source us some boxes for packing. They told me to go down the supermarket and ask. Didn't ask them for any more help, though much less close friends offered actual examples of practical help and gave it.

It’s interesting where support can come from in times of need isn’t it? Often more unexpected places.

OP posts:
WasherWoman25 · 23/04/2025 09:00

I don’t have any answers for you but want to say you are not alone.
In a similar case, my parents, now disabled and on state pension will be there for what ever we need. PIL healthy and plenty of money make asking for anything painful or we never hear the end of it yet do all the Facebook posts of my wonderful grandchildren type thing.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/04/2025 09:00

We had close friends who said this when (we all lived abroad at the time) my partner suffered an accident, was in hospital for a while and was then temporarily disabled - all while we were packing up to move house.

I asked if they could source us some boxes for packing. They told me to go down the supermarket and ask. Didn't ask them for any more help, though much less close friends offered actual examples of practical help and gave it.