He no longer wants kids

you've said that at most he grunted and looked a deer in head lights when taking about kids?

2.1 years ago he changed his mind and you went on the pill? so you knew he didn't? or you thought it was temporary.

37 is bit of a mad time to still be waiting around about having kids after being together for 5+ years.

if he doesn't want them and you do, you have to leave now. interpret indecision on his part as a no. as for you any indecision on his part will leave you without a choice.

Just to add a bit of positivity - I personally know two women who got pregnant naturally at 42 and 44 respectively and went on to have healthy babies. It's not impossible.

One of the women is a single mother (as my ex-husband left her to fend on her own) with a small family, but as far as I know the child is growing up very happy, loved and well-taken care of.

Very well stated.

There are many more serious issues here than whether OP can conceive.

What about the circumstances the potential human being will be raised in?

1. i know that my age is very much against me and, instead of saying I want a child, perhaps I should have said that I want to stop actively preventing pregnancy instead (and what will be will be). If there was no child then then that would have been fine but I can’t cope with this being actively prevented any more.

I think this is the most important bit of information OP, if you are genuinely happy for it not to happen then (what will be will be) then you should come off birth control and put the ball strongly in his court, if he doesn't want children the onus will be on him to prevent that happening, there is absolutely no reason why you have to carry that burden.

BUT (massive but) I do think you would be best going to couples therapy if that is something you want to explore, there seems to be a massive communication problem here that instead of saying no to children he is refusing to discuss it at all? That isn't on, and in fairness you shouldn't really be considering having children with someone who cannot talk about important relationship issues until you have got to the bottom of that problem and decide if it is something you can accept.

And also, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you don't see yourself on the same standing as your partner, you look to him to lead the way and that really isn't how things should be, you will be signing yourself up for a life of misery if you get married to someone who doesn't see you as an equal, maybe therapy could help you unpick any feelings you have there too, as it doesn't sound like you are particularly happy with how your relationship is in general and you shouldn't just accept things because you feel that you don't have any other option.

the OP doesn’t mention 90% of those factors. You are projecting. There is only one time sensitive priority - her fertility. If she stops to ponder all of those points, she will never conceive; nor would half the country for that matter.

It’s true that your chances would be higher with sperm from a younger man tbh.

I know you say you don’t want to go down the route of fertility treatment OP and that’s a fair decision, but remember you can always get a consultation to discuss options and give food for thought. If you are near London and do decide to I can recommend someone, pm me if you want me to.

Would you be prepared to go it alone and become pregnant via AIS? He's made his choice about his fertility, you can make one about yours.

I see that all this time, despite not wanting kids, he has relied on you managing all the contraception when he could in fact have had a vasectomy to take responsibility for his wish to remain childfree. He has deceived you and badly. Just take control now and do what you want, for you.
I will however sound a note of caution: wanting a baby at 41 is one thing but it means having a 10 yr old when you're in or close to menopause and a 20 yr old to perhaps support through uni and getting on their feet as a young adult at a time when you may, due to being in your early 60s, struggle to find work that will allow you to support yourselves properly. That could all be quite tough on you. Whatever you decide, I agree that it would be very hard for you to stay with this man after he's led you a merry dance. He knew before Dec 24 that he didn't want kids and should have told you as soon as he realised your respective life plans had diverged so radically.

To be honest, at your age, I would dump him and buy myself some high quality sperm from the sperm bank.

This will increase your odds.

Especially with his seriously selfish behaviour. He's not the partner for you

From what you've said, it sounds like he's a great match for you, aside from the baby issue.

Though I understand it's a huge disappointment to you, I hope you won't leave him over it, especially since it doesn't sound like you'd likely have or adopt a child anyway.

Counseling is a really good idea, in my opinion. It doesn't sound like he meant to deceive you, more that he was conflicted about it in his own mind and finally realized it just wasn't something he felt able to go through with.

And let's not forget, there are also many benefits to not having children, as I'm sure you know. More money and more freedom.

Best wishes to you, dear. I know this issue is a rough one.

People are only saying that as an option if having kids is the top priority for OP now. Obviously there’s lots to think about but she’s wanted DC for over 10 years and taken no action, so it’s fair to assume she’s done lots of thinking - and indeed from her update she clearly has considered many angles. It’s not insane to advocate for more urgency than has been evident to date. Time is a big factor here and there’ll be more time to think even if she did start the donor ball rolling today. It’s not deliveroo.

@Boosey

There is no ideal for either. It’s about the complete picture.

I had my only child at 37 and am now the same age as OP, so no ageism or only child bias here!

However my child has a father in his life. We’ve been together over 15 years. We’re financially stable together but also as individuals.

OP would be on her own. No father or siblings for a child. Neither are necessary but you are leaving your child with a very limited support network, should anything happen to you, when you purposefully choose to bring a child into the world that way.

She’s only just recently been able to afford a home as part of couple but suddenly she’s to support herself and child on her own AND pay for immediate fertility treatment?

Having a child in your mid 40s (which is realistically what OP would be by the time everything shakes out, if it shakes out) isn’t just about her age, but what age and capacity are her parents at? Her child would have only one set of grandparents as a possible support network. 60s early 70s? Can they help run around after a toddler? Do they want to?

Is OP ok with coping with a child with a disability/SEN on her own as her chances of having a child with additional needs is much greater in her mid 40s.

Is OPs maternity package such that she can afford to take a year’s maternity and keep a roof over her and her child’s head? Or would the child have to go immediately into paid childcare? Can OP afford that on her own when she’s only just been able to afford a home WITH a partner in her 40s?

All I’m saying is “run out to a sperm bank literally TODAY, you don’t have a second to spare” is insane advice and it’s being given over and over. There are a million things OP should think about before going it alone with a strangers sperm.

Perhaps what you need to do is sit down tonight and say to him what you've said here.

Let's stop preventing one rather than start trying. There's a fair chance it's not even possible but that you need to know.

If this is more about the firm commitment to make a decision either way, he might be more comfortable with letting the universe decide.

If that's not acceptable to him then I think you'll have a hard job moving past it. You could stay because the chances of a child are still small unless you go it alone (and even then far from guaranteed) but you can't build a successful relationship on resentment.

Sorry this must be hard to come to terms with.

You should have been having these conversations six years ago OP.

👆 Don’t do this, utterly ridiculous advice. Yes, he’s messed you about but if he doesn’t want kids then you can’t force him. There’s definitely still time for a sperm donor, just go through official channels.

I really hope you're covered legally with the house ownership seeing as you're not married. Is the house in both your names? Have you ringfenced any deposit or financial contributions you've made towards it? Things could get really messy and expensive if you haven't legally protected yourself should you decide to split.

This

Disgusting behaviour

Depends completely on the woman.

Nope, they don’t (necessarily) do this. When I wanted my coil out it was actually impossible to get help from my GP – despite the fact that I’d already asked them for information about PCOS and fertility and checked what the process might look like. The clinic that fitted my coil had stopped answering their phones by that point, and my GP basically said sheeet that sucks mate. Good luck. When I finally did track down an NHS service who would do it, my Dr asked me for the details. They label themselves as family planning specialists as well! It had taken me the best part of 6 months to get anywhere. The clinic who removed it just took it out and wished me a good day.

Ermmmmmmmm

At 41 there isn’t much point freezing your eggs and I doubt many clinics would recommend it.

@Lizzielost you mention you are autistic. This is hereditary so I would say bear careful about trying to get pregnant with this man in case you're left alone to bring up a child alone with potential additional needs.

Apologies I missed that