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Original poster

He no longer wants kids

467 replies

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 08:19

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 23/04/2025 17:28

I'd also tell him that as of now he needs to take responsibility for his own fertility so condoms, vasectomy or abstention.

LudvillasCave · 23/04/2025 17:27

EllieEllie25 · 23/04/2025 16:29

I’m sorry OP but you’ve probably left it too late either with or without him. Since you’ve been together 8 years, the time for these very serious ultimatum now or never conversations was 3 or 4 years ago at the latest. That makes me wonder do you really want kids yourself, or if this is just a last ditch panic for you. Normally I really judge the man in these situations for stringing you along and wasting your fertile years, but you colluded in this too. Maybe joint and individual counselling would be worth it to help you work out if the relationship can be salvaged and if you can both be happy without children.

41 is not too late, but it is about half past the 11th hour

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/04/2025 17:26

LudvillasCave · 23/04/2025 17:24

People are allowed to use donor sperm if they want to. This is an option the OP has. It’s something for her to consider on her own time.

Show quote history

This.

LudvillasCave · 23/04/2025 17:24

GonzoParker · 23/04/2025 17:20

I mean this kindly but
How is that in the best interests of future child ? Does that future child not deserve a dad

getting doner sperm shouldn’t really be treated like ordering a pizza without really thinking what’s best for the future child

Show quote history

People are allowed to use donor sperm if they want to. This is an option the OP has. It’s something for her to consider on her own time.

Delphinium20 · 23/04/2025 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GonzoParker · 23/04/2025 17:20

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/04/2025 17:15

Realistically, OP, IVF using donor sperm is your best chance of having a child.

Don't you want to at least give it a go?

I wouldn't give this selfish man another second of your life. He's already robbed you of too much.

Show quote history

I mean this kindly but
How is that in the best interests of future child ? Does that future child not deserve a dad

getting doner sperm shouldn’t really be treated like ordering a pizza without really thinking what’s best for the future child

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/04/2025 17:15

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 14:17

Thanks. I would never just come off the pill without saying so.

I am autistic but I hold down a professional (and high pressure) job. I function well but was definitely a late bloomer in terms of relationships, which is part of the issue and one of the things I regret in life. I grew up in a family with children with additional needs (my twin sister specifically) so I have no issues with that. I am capable of caring for a child on my own. I don’t want to be hated or resented any more than I want to hate or resent. I have a good support network around me if I were to need it. I don’t want to go as far as going through the heartache of IVF though (and, as others have said, the quality of the eggs diminishes. I’m clued up on all of this and am not kidding myself on that score). I won’t adopt on my own, even with family around me.

Realistically, OP, IVF using donor sperm is your best chance of having a child.

Don't you want to at least give it a go?

I wouldn't give this selfish man another second of your life. He's already robbed you of too much.

Askingforafriendtoday · 23/04/2025 17:13

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:23

He has seriously dicked around here, hasn’t he? My response would be clear: I would be coming off contraception and telling him that I want a child. If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave.

What he is doing is the very antithesis of kind.

This

5dollah · 23/04/2025 17:02

At 41 it might be too late anyway.

PeachyCalm · 23/04/2025 17:01

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:27

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him.

he told you explicitly 2.5 years ago

No he didn’t! 2.5 years ago he said the exact opposite and was his suggestion to try for a baby!

Solacesolipse · 23/04/2025 16:45

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 14:17

Thanks. I would never just come off the pill without saying so.

I am autistic but I hold down a professional (and high pressure) job. I function well but was definitely a late bloomer in terms of relationships, which is part of the issue and one of the things I regret in life. I grew up in a family with children with additional needs (my twin sister specifically) so I have no issues with that. I am capable of caring for a child on my own. I don’t want to be hated or resented any more than I want to hate or resent. I have a good support network around me if I were to need it. I don’t want to go as far as going through the heartache of IVF though (and, as others have said, the quality of the eggs diminishes. I’m clued up on all of this and am not kidding myself on that score). I won’t adopt on my own, even with family around me.

There is a massive difference between being autistic and handling a tough job and adding solo parenting of a child into the mix.

hotpotlover · 23/04/2025 16:43

bibliotek · 23/04/2025 16:33

Men just annoy me

You're not the only one!

PassingStranger · 23/04/2025 16:36

I don't blame him.
Why do you need to have a child.
Bloody stressful today.

bibliotek · 23/04/2025 16:35

I’m really sorry OP.
This is a complete disrespect of your time and commitment. You have a brief window of opportunity now to either go it alone if you want a bio kid or stay with someone who does not respect your wants/needs/time. I’m really sorry this happened. It’s just not fair on you.

MrsAga · 23/04/2025 16:34

I think he’s either Future faked you (and knew he didn’t want children) or he’s a bit wet & doesn’t know what he wants or he’s scared to agree and not be a good dad.

You need to decide (very soon) if you’d be prepared to be a single parent. If you have enough support round you to do that, then start the process of stopping birth control & get checked to see if you have viable eggs left. Tell him you are doing this & birth control is his responsibility. If you have no viable eggs left then you decide if you can stay with him knowing you missed your chance with his dithering or if you can accept it wasn’t meant to be. If you do have eggs, then give him the choice of being the father or leaving & you can go down sperm donation route.
It’s still your choice, even if he wants no part in it. Just make sure you warn him that you are stopping birth control. Don’t try to trick him into it as that won’t end well for anyone.
Good luck whatever you decide.

bibliotek · 23/04/2025 16:33

Men just annoy me

EllieEllie25 · 23/04/2025 16:29

I’m sorry OP but you’ve probably left it too late either with or without him. Since you’ve been together 8 years, the time for these very serious ultimatum now or never conversations was 3 or 4 years ago at the latest. That makes me wonder do you really want kids yourself, or if this is just a last ditch panic for you. Normally I really judge the man in these situations for stringing you along and wasting your fertile years, but you colluded in this too. Maybe joint and individual counselling would be worth it to help you work out if the relationship can be salvaged and if you can both be happy without children.

scotstars · 23/04/2025 16:27

I feel for you op I've been there staying in a good relationship too long in the hope the other person changes their mind. He doesn't want to be a dad and if he goes along with you it will be thrown back at you constantly you wanted the baby. Or if you stay with him child free you will grow to resent him.

Honestly op if you want to be a mum there are other ways please don't waste more time you have had the conversation 10 times, discussed splitting if he wanted kids this would be enough you are just torturing yourself repeating the convo hoping he changes his answer

Beaniebeemer · 23/04/2025 16:20

I’m going to be a bit blunt here. Sorry.

I am the same age as you. Do not have kids with this man.

I do have kids (13&11). I’ve been officially on my own with them for 4 years but really I’ve raised them on my own. I’m absolutely knackered and chronically ill now. Teens aren’t for the faint hearted and the world is fucked. No chance would I do this again if I truly understood the path ahead of me.

momtoboys · 23/04/2025 16:18

If things are good between you otherwise, and you are committed financially with the house, I would stay. You can hate him for not wanting to have a child but unless you have plans to get pregnant using artificial means that you haven't mentioned, the chances of you getting pregnant are low and getting lower by the day. Why blow up your life for something that may not happen anyway? I don't understand why you waited so long considering your age. I'm sorry he disappointed you.

Solocatmum · 23/04/2025 16:15

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/04/2025 15:17

Definitely stop taking the pill. You can do that today.
He has betrayed you with this.
I don't know that I could do it but if, in your circumstances, someone didn't take the pill and was not up front about it and got pregnant I'd empathize.
Especially if she had said she might stop taking it. Trying to think why I feel that way, and I guess it's about anger at the manipulation and deception from his side, and about the control, so much that you may lose the chance have a child ( and were not treated with honesty and respect.)

I get it - but it’s very likely to end in single parenthood not by choice, and a child who knows its father didn’t want it.

coxesorangepippin · 23/04/2025 16:10

We've seen this chapter and verse on here before

Men taking advantage of women, who then reach the final stretch of fertility and then they say, oh actually babe, I don't want kids.

If you split, he'll get with another younger woman and within a year she'll be preggo.

He's fucked you around here op - maybe marriage, maybe kids - but nothing delivered.

TrainGame · 23/04/2025 16:10

Dump him but honestly have to question yourself if you really ever wanted children. To reach 39 and now be asking these questions is in my view a subconscious self sabotage of some kind.

I was aware the clock was ticking aged 27 and I got my ducks in order and any man that behaved like a dick was kicked out and I moved onto the next one again and again until I met DH who was ready to commit and wanted the same things.

You have to be ruthless or at least pragmatic with your heart, if you want a decent DH AND children. So it makes me wonder, as you sure you really wanted kids? Why have you waited so very very long? Your best fertile years are behind you. Just seems odd to have buried head in sand for so long.

redphonecase · 23/04/2025 16:05

GonzoParker · 23/04/2025 15:10

He's robbed you of your fertile years with lies
Unforgivable

well to be fair, she has chosen not to TTC in her fertile years

Milosc · 23/04/2025 16:01

After the death of a parent and dealing with a narcissistic one, he may be afraid now that he will be a terrible parent. If that is the case counseling may help. However, it is very unkind for him not to be honest from the get go. If you want children and choose to stay with him and don't have them you will likely resent him for the rest of your life. That isn't healthy. If you force him to have children or lose you then he will resent you. Either situation is grim. If the relationship is worth it then try to get to the reason he has changed his mind. If you can't find common ground then know you can be a great single parent all on your own.