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Original poster

He no longer wants kids

467 replies

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 08:19

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
sunnymummy238 · 23/04/2025 18:52

It all depends on how much you want to have children. I was desperate to have them, but it sounds like you’re both ambivalent as you’ve left it so long. It’s still possible for you - women get pregnant in their early 40s. I would do what others have suggested and leave contraception to him- that would test how negative he really felt. Men can say they want a family, and then not cope with it, and you still end up bringing children up alone, like I did. I never regretted my children, but it’s not for everybody.

MsCactus · 23/04/2025 18:50

Utr90 · 23/04/2025 18:47

Ignore the negative posters on here who say you've left it too late OP. Thats not true. As long as you still have periods, a baby is possible. My grandma had my auntie at 41. My friend had her daughter at 44. Others similar age. But get rid of that man now before he wastes anymore of your time.

Edited

Most women still have periods for around five years after they stop being fertile - so having a period isn't a reliable indication that you can still get preggers!

MsCactus · 23/04/2025 18:49

OP the average age that women stop being able to conceive is about 42 - but some women can't conceive from about age 38. Surely you knew this - so it seems you've left it rather late? I can't really understand why this is a deal-breaker when there's a good chance you can't conceive at this age anyway - surely you know that? Some women even struggle to conceive after age 35, so you want to try before then if you're deadset on having kids (also gives you time for fertility treatments if needed)

Not that your partner hasn't been awful, but I'm confused why you would leave things until age 41 if you definitely want kids?

Utr90 · 23/04/2025 18:47

Ignore the negative posters on here who say you've left it too late OP. Thats not true. As long as you still have periods, a baby is possible. My grandma had my auntie at 41. My friend had her daughter at 44. Others similar age. But get rid of that man now before he wastes anymore of your time.

Petra42 · 23/04/2025 18:46

Terrapinn · 23/04/2025 18:17

I agree with this. I have an old friend - who absolutely 'didnt want children' - when I suggested he take the preoccupation, worry etc away and have a vasectomy (quick, easy day procedure) - he went white.

If your DP is so sure @Lizzielost ask him to do this - then he can take responsibility for his choices and share the contraception issue which you have soley held for 8 years.

Is he concerned of any risks (I dont know if there are any) of having a child with SEN if this is a possibility from your siblings background? Have you discussed this?

Show quote history

@Lizzielost is he concerned about sen risks?

Worklifegoals · 23/04/2025 18:44

What an absolute arsehole! I’d leave him and come off the pill. It will either shock him into actually realising he wants a family with you (sounds like he has some issues from last 2.5years to deal with and he needs counselling - stress and/or depression?) or at least means you have the pull out your system ready for IVF. You’ll need to self fund that as I don’t think nhs find after 40 plus he hasn’t left you anytime to go through the nhs process. Tell him you want money out the house now to fund the ivf now and that amount comes out of his share as he has left you in this cruel time ticking situation!

Crazyworldmum · 23/04/2025 18:41

I normally don’t suggest a ultimatum but he is being awful imo . If being a mum is really important to you just go ahead and have a baby , even if in your own . You will regret it if you don’t .
Personally I think if he feel the same way you feel about him he won’t want to loose you and if he still doesn’t budge then OP he never truly loved you . Yes it’s his choice not to what kids but if he knew it was importantly to you and has been taking you on a ride them he is being plain selfish and narcissistic.

StuckUpPrincess · 23/04/2025 18:41

Re. the debate about how old you can have kids, it's extremely individual. My own eggs were finished at 41 😢 but I know other people who've had babies with their own eggs at 43 and older. Then you get the rare cases where people have natural babies in their late forties and early fifties - but it should be noted that this is exceedingly rare. I actually know someone who got pregnant last year at 53. They lost the baby at four months' gestation, but it goes to show that she might have been OK well past 41. You really don't know until you try.

Tekknonan · 23/04/2025 18:40

He's probably very aware how much you want children, and is dealing with this is the worst possible way, which is telling himself he can do it for you, and then realising he can't. It's probably motivated by a need to give you what you want, but tbh, at 39 (or 41), I wouldn't have had the energy for young children. I have one child from my first marriage and dearly wanted a child with my second husband, but he didn't want that, so we didn't. Do I regret it? No. It has to be both of you wanting it.

Do you want children more than you want the relationship? And, of course, that assumes you will find another partner who you care about and who you trust to care about you, or that you are prepared to go it alone. You may not be able to have children anyway.

I have friends from school. We grew up together. We all, when we were younger, wanted children. Some of us have (now adult) children, some did not have children either through choice, or because it never happened for them. Who is happier? It doesn't seem to make much difference, to be honest.

You sound like a reasonable and responsible person. Whatever you do, don't issue an ultimatum that forces your partner to agree to having children when he doesn't want them. That will be a disater for you, your partner, your relationship and, most importantly, for any children you have.

LudvillasCave · 23/04/2025 18:37

JLou08 · 23/04/2025 18:28

He has told you before that he doesn't want children and you got upset so he says he will to 'pacify' you. He shouldn't have backtracked but your behaviour could be seen as emotional manipulation, he tells you what he wants, you cry, he changes his mind.
I think couples counselling would definitely be a good idea because you have both been at fault in this situation and the way you describe him it sounds like besides from the child issue he is what you want. If it's a biological child you want, realistically your chances of conceiving right now are pretty slim, the chance of meeting someone else who wants children, building a relationship stable enough for a child then conceiving are even smaller. I'd be careful not to throw away what you have on the small chance you may have a baby.

It’s not emotional manipulation if she’s just expressing honestly how she feels! Christ!

JLou08 · 23/04/2025 18:28

He has told you before that he doesn't want children and you got upset so he says he will to 'pacify' you. He shouldn't have backtracked but your behaviour could be seen as emotional manipulation, he tells you what he wants, you cry, he changes his mind.
I think couples counselling would definitely be a good idea because you have both been at fault in this situation and the way you describe him it sounds like besides from the child issue he is what you want. If it's a biological child you want, realistically your chances of conceiving right now are pretty slim, the chance of meeting someone else who wants children, building a relationship stable enough for a child then conceiving are even smaller. I'd be careful not to throw away what you have on the small chance you may have a baby.

Mulledjuice · 23/04/2025 18:28

OP if you want to try to have a baby solo, go for it. You may need to use a donor egg if yours don't take, but plenty of women have done it.

SheridansPortSalut · 23/04/2025 18:21

You're 41 and have been together 8 years. If you were both really serious about having kids together you'd have done it by now.

He's not everything to you. He has been misleading you and you have let him do it. This is not how a healthy relationship works.

VictoriaSponge987 · 23/04/2025 18:20

Scottishmamma · 23/04/2025 09:20

This is untrue. Plenty of women in their forties have healthy pregnancies and babies. In fact more women in their 40’s are having babies than in their under twenties for the first time. I had my first baby at 40 & the midwives were totally unfazed and assured me it’s the new norm. Women have always had babies well into their forties however the difference being now that many women are waiting until their forties until having their FIRST baby. Forty is not the death knell for fertility that we are told it is & your comment was so unnecessarily cruel.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s not untrue. You have less than 5% chance per month at 40 1-2% at 43. Lots of women make up that small percentage with a population like the UK. And lots of women use fertility treatment including donor eggs. I’m not being cruel. Being unrealistic is cruel.

Booboobagins · 23/04/2025 18:18

TheHerboriste · 23/04/2025 08:27

No. Don’t produce a child with an unwilling father. That’s morally reprehensible and unfair to the new human being.

Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we wanted.

Show quote history

Shes not saying have a child with him. Shes saying make an ultimatum by coming off the pill.

When I met my DH he had already been married and had 2 kids. He didn't want anymore, but I did. He caved because he wanted to be with me. We married and had a SD, then he insisted we have another one, which we did.

@Lizzielost He's sadly had some crappy times to reflect how awful life can be and maybe doesn't want a child to have to grow up to experience that. I would strongly suggest counselling first to see if it's resolvable. Then I'd come off the pill and let him decide of he wants to run the risk and have sex or leave. I hope he comes around x

Terrapinn · 23/04/2025 18:17

HomeTheatreSystem · 23/04/2025 17:28

I'd also tell him that as of now he needs to take responsibility for his own fertility so condoms, vasectomy or abstention.

Edited

I agree with this. I have an old friend - who absolutely 'didnt want children' - when I suggested he take the preoccupation, worry etc away and have a vasectomy (quick, easy day procedure) - he went white.

If your DP is so sure @Lizzielost ask him to do this - then he can take responsibility for his choices and share the contraception issue which you have soley held for 8 years.

Is he concerned of any risks (I dont know if there are any) of having a child with SEN if this is a possibility from your siblings background? Have you discussed this?

MrsSunshine2b · 23/04/2025 18:13

Catsandcannedbeans · 23/04/2025 13:52

I can’t lie, if a man had done this to me I would snap. How do you feel about being a single mother to a child who may have additional needs? I only bring up additional needs because at your age it’s more likely. If you don’t mind this then I would say try and get pregnant (if it were me I’d try and get pregnant by him and make it clear he won’t be on the birth certificate). I am very sorry OP.

Perfect, so he can at any time pay £20, prove his paternity and OP can get locked into a messy and acrimonious coparenting relationship which no-one wanted.

fortniteplaya · 23/04/2025 18:13

Chiseltip · 23/04/2025 08:33

At 41 your chances of getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term are very low (despite what people say on here). It's likely already too late for you because if you split up, it will take a number of years for you to meet someone else and get into a position where kids are going to be up for discussion. By then it will be too late for you to get pregnant.

I'd give up on the baby, that ship has sailed.

Do you want to continue the relationship?

What rubbish! I had ny 4th at age 42, my best mate had her 1st at 41 abd 2nd at 43, and another close friend had her last age 50 by IVF.
Listen , blokes come and go but your child is your family always. If you feel the urge then go for it.

Superhansrantowindsor · 23/04/2025 18:10

Sorry Op. It’s too late.
Dont have a baby with a man who really doesn’t want one. He will resent you - the child will notice this. It’s not fair on anyone.
If you stay with him you will resent that he didn’t want children. There will also be trust issues.
If you leave to try and find someone who does want a child or use donor sperm then chances of this working are very slim.
I think you need to either stay with him and get counselling or leave and get counselling. Either way support is an absolute must. I really do think your chance for a baby has gone sadly.

chaosmaker · 23/04/2025 18:08

@Lizzielost I'd tell him I'm coming off contraception and if he doesn't want kids then he needs to get snipped. Is the fantasy of kids more important that your long relationship?

Pros and cons need weighing up.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 23/04/2025 18:01

I would find yourself someone to talk this through with in real life, OP, not becoming a mother is a huge package to unwrap and make peace with if you're able to. Whether that's a good friend or a counsellor. And I would separate that completely from your relationship and what to do about it. I think that'll become clearer as you start to make your own journey forwards. I'm so sorry that you're where you are Flowers

femfemlicious · 23/04/2025 18:00

If you really really want a child then use a sperm bank

LudvillasCave · 23/04/2025 17:52

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 17:32

Thank you everyone

Good luck OP x

Terrapinn · 23/04/2025 17:50

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 14:17

Thanks. I would never just come off the pill without saying so.

I am autistic but I hold down a professional (and high pressure) job. I function well but was definitely a late bloomer in terms of relationships, which is part of the issue and one of the things I regret in life. I grew up in a family with children with additional needs (my twin sister specifically) so I have no issues with that. I am capable of caring for a child on my own. I don’t want to be hated or resented any more than I want to hate or resent. I have a good support network around me if I were to need it. I don’t want to go as far as going through the heartache of IVF though (and, as others have said, the quality of the eggs diminishes. I’m clued up on all of this and am not kidding myself on that score). I won’t adopt on my own, even with family around me.

Would you do donor sperm or donor egg on your own?

Original poster
Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 17:32

Thank you everyone

OP posts: