He no longer wants kids

My sister's friend had this , got with a man that had two dc from previous marriage .
Dated , met the dcs after a reasonable time , got along fine together etc .
A few years moved on , got engaged , again a few years on .
Friend got to around just after mid 30s , still no marriage and despite him saying open to having a child with her when time was right , for him it never was .
He then admitted , he changed his mind a few years previous and thought an engagement would be enough for her.
It wasn't , she finished with him and at just under age 40 , investigated having a baby alone , and went to a company for a sperm donor and is now expecting her go it alone baby .

With an 8% chance (or thereabouts) each month, the probability of becoming pregnant in a year is apparently 75%. This doesn’t sound right either though? I suppose that’s on the basis of no problems whatsoever on the male side, whereas in reality, age affects men’s fertility too.

As a 41 year old woman who has been pregnant twice in the last six months, I can tell you this is fundamentally not correct. The likelihood of a live birth if you start trying at 41 is 50% and the stats are outdated- it’s more like an 8% chance per month. This isn’t something I’ve googled, it’s the information provided by the doctors at the miscarriage clinic I’m with. These are averages of course, but believe me, I wouldn’t be carrying on if the chances were so low.

OP as someone married to some autistic I can say it’s been very hard work doing it all by myself. Babies are very very hard on many autistic people. Of course it’s possible to have them but it’s like throwing a bomb into your very carefully calibrated life. Perhaps your partner already feels he makes adjustments for your ND and he’s worried he’d be overwhelmed with more adjustments that a baby would surely bring. Perhaps he’s unaware of these feelings. But that’s my hunch. I’ve made big adjustments for my partner and being parents together has been a very lonely experience for me.

in addition to this as autism is heritable there’s a good chance your child will have autism also.

Having two autistic children myself I can tell you it’s been an incredibly hard journey as they have struggled so badly at school and with friendships. It never ever stops, the sadness and rejection. I sometimes feel I can’t carry on.

im not sure if you follow Spectrumy on Facebook who is autistic and has two autistic children. She’s well worth reading. Shes had an a very hard time of it.

Im not saying dont do it but be aware of what will change and the possibilities of having a ND child. You will need to be very very strong,

https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100044510616450

She has 250,000 followers on Facebook.

I agree. A 1-3% chance of conception is the same likelihood of someone in their twenties/early 30s falling pregnant while using condoms, as they're only 97% effective.

It's really quite unlikely you'll be able to have a healthy pregnancy at 41. Across an entire population of course they'll be thousands of people who do so (just as they'll be thousands of younger people who fall pregnant while using contraception) - but that doesn't mean it's not rare

Yes. Common situation.

The Op and dp have been together for years when dp decides doesn’t want baby (after saying he does) . Op leaves (approx 30 years old) , as can’t cope with future without children. Within two years, dp has met someone else moved in and had a child by them.

OP, a relative went through Sperm donation or IVF at 40 and success the second time. A pal got pregnant via IVF early 50s.

It's not out of the realms of possibility, if you want a child.

Politely if you want a baby, why are you supplying all the contraceptives 😂

Yes, it’s consensual! It’d be a shag for the wrong reasons (sympathy shag – eugh), but it’s still a choice

I think talking in terms of 5% chance is putting something into statistics which doesn't quite fit. If you play the lottery you have a statistically fair chance same as the next player of winning.

We cannot apply the same logic to conception as we don't all have the same number of tickets. The fact that five out of a hundred women over 40 might conceive isn't helpful to those who don't have any tickets- or eggs - left, because crucially, they have no idea what they have at any given moment.

Being able to conceive in a given month isn't down to statistics. My dear friend hasn't been able to conceive again after her first as she discovered that her egg supply had effectively failed in her early 30s. My sister couldn't have a second after the age of 30.

I myself am pregnant now aged 41, and have been lucky enough to get pregnant on the first or second month every time, with good eggs, but this is my twelfth pregnancy as I've had nine losses [five losses were late enough to be genetically tested, and all were genetically healthy, so good eggs]

The point is, we are all very different, and while it is possible to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy into our 40s, no-one really knows how late they can go until they try.

What is sad is these men who faff about and make promises to women and then change their minds. I do feel that Op's DP is depressed following the traumatic events of the last few years, and I think some calm conversations would help. She might also want to visit her GP to have her fertility tested.

In any case I wish the both of them the strength to get through this together, whether they end up single, together, or as a family.

Gosh I agree, I really don't know "lots" of people who had a baby in their 40s..anyone I know had loads of problems/never got pregnant. And the OP is 41 already. This is so difficult..

also, you sound lovely. you can’t force someone to want a child, but he seems less lovely than you think. You also seem stronger and more capable than you give yourself credit for. Don’t be afraid to take control of your life here. you are strong.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting

Overreacting? He’s potentially taken away your chances of having children by deceiving you. I think you’re within your rights to lose your shit at him. I could not stay with someone who stole something so precious.

WTF

I am so sorry, but I have to agree with this. If you want a child take matters into your own hands.

You absolutely aren’t overreacting.

I’m so sorry but he sounds like the kind of jerk who will decide when he’s 45 that actually he’s desperate for kids after all.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Enough to end the relationship.

Is it possible that he was put off by the idea of having children after losing a parent? I don't think I'd break up. I understand your desire to be a mother, but at least he's being honest about it, and it's way better to not have kids than to vê a lousy parent. Maybe you'll have to assess your relationship with him and try to understand what matters most, having kids or being with him.

Well indeed even infertile women have periods so I wouldn’t use having periods as a marker for being able to pregnant.

Also a lot of women getting pregnant at 41/42/43 are not first pregnancies so they know hey have been able to get pregnant and carry to term before op has zero idea if she’s ever been fertile or still is.

You and the people you know were very lucky. This does not happen to the majority of women

I don't think having children is something you can compromise on. It's such an enormous lifestyle change and unfair to compromise on something so fundamental.

Firstly, if by any chance you stay with him and accept no children, then he can have a bloody vasectomy. You don't need to put your body through such misery when he can take responsibility for contraception.

But....

I think if you stay with him you'll harbour deep resentment and I don't think you'll ever forgive him. It's the deception and suddenly deciding no children when it's almost too late for you.

You could try the option that a PP suggested - tell him you don't want to be on contraception, and what happens, happens. He can either accept the odds or you split.

My only concern with this is if he is a reluctant father, how will things be if you have a child with SEN? As an autistic woman, you have an increased chance of having an autistic child. Being older increases those odds yet again. And as we know, some autistic children have really high needs which can strain even the healthiest relationship.

I'm an autistic woman and I have autistic DC. I hate to discuss autism negatively but there's no question that parenting an autistic child can be challenging, and I can't help but wonder whether your DP would be on board with all that it entails if he's not sure he can cope/wants an NT child.

If you definitely want a child, I'd absolutely do it solo if he doesn't want to. I split from my ex when I was pregnant (with twins) and he's never been on the scene. I now have a DP who I got together with my DC were tiny, but all parenting decisions have always been mine, and I've got the best relationship with my two (now teens).

You have options, and a little bit of time. Not much, but you're not out of time just yet. Now is the moment to think about what matters to you in life, and what your priorities are. Time for you to put yourself first and consider what you want your future to look like, and how you can get there. Best of luck 💐

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so painful. I don’t think you have left it too late despite what people are saying. I know it’s costly, but you could freeze your eggs for now. Pregnancy can happen for women later, I actually know a woman who had a baby at 50 (it was IVF) and yes some people may judge here but it can be possible (albeit with more complications the older you get). If you do split with him, there is a possibility for you to potentially build a life with someone else and have a baby in the next few years. If you really want a child and he doesn’t, if you stay together, you would perhaps be resentful and in years to come be thinking what if.. etc. If seeing his friends kids now is hard I only imagine it will get worse. I guess having important conversations now together would be helpful to really know where you both stand. For him, if he’s had recent bereavement and struggles with parent, that could be a factor for his change of mind in not wanting kids and maybe he could change his mind again if he’s in a better place. I guess you need to know if there’s a chance of that because you don’t want to wait around to see if he does. Wishing you the best

I think you might regret it if you leave him. It's very slim pickings out there.

OP if you seriously want children go ahead. Be aware there might be difficulties.

My ex got completely put off by healthy friend and wife having 2 disabled children. Doesn't mean they're not loved and wanted but it is extra work and perhaps not the fairytale expected.

She knew that he backtracked after she cried. Look at it this way, if a woman said they didn't want sex, the man cried and then woman has sex to please him, is that consensual? Or should the man realise that she doesn't want sex and not go ahead with it?