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Original poster

He no longer wants kids

467 replies

Lizzielost · 23/04/2025 08:19

I’m a bit lost here so was hoping for some opinions on my current position please.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged). We are currently renovating our first home together and I love him to bits. He is the only person who has ever completely understood me and he has helped me to grow so much while we’ve been together. I’ve also supported him and helped him to grow into someone who is more secure and aware of his own value. He is a kind person and thinks of me a lot.

From the very start, we both wanted children. We’ve had so many conversations about it that it was never really considered to be an issue, until last year. My partner has been through some difficult times over the last 2-3 years (including the loss of a parent and an increase in narcissistic behaviour from the remaining parent as well as significant work stress) and he has been in a very dark place at times. Now that we are finally in a position where we have some security to try for a child (as my age is already against me somewhat) he has decided that he no longer wants a child.

He didn’t tell me outright for some time. It’s been a topic of conversation for 16 months and he only admitted it at the end of last year. His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights. In the meantime I have to mix with his friends and all of their children and he doesn’t seem to see how difficult that is for me.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill. It doesn’t agree with me (moods, loss of desire etc) and this also seems to have caused some issues between us, even though there is little I can do to change that without coming off the pill.

We talk about it but I usually end up upset and, to try to pacify me, he says that we can try. I know he is only saying that and doesn’t mean it though so I ask him to speak about it the following day, when things have calmed, and he doesn’t. This has happened at least 10 times now and it is hurting.

If he had told me properly about his change of heart then I would not have bought the house with him. Really, I had little idea of how things had changed with him.

Over the last few days things seem to have come to a head. I just can’t cope with him almost playing games now and, after being upset a couple of nights ago and sleeping on the couch, I’ve told him that we can’t continue and that we need to split before I hate him for this. The situation is difficult, with the house renovation, and we’ll probably end up having to keep going with this for a bit until we can sell it and move on.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me. I just can’t keep being dragged down by this baby thing as it is taking over my
life and I’m beginning to hate him for it. It is, to me, a point of fundamental incompatibility and I feel betrayed. My mind is reeling - do we go for counselling to see if we can deal with this? Is it dead in the water now, even with the love on both sides? I can’t see up for down at the minute and I don’t know whether I’m talking myself round, only to be stuck again. I probably won’t go on to have children anyway if we split. I’m quite shy and finding someone new to trust in that way probably won’t be doable in time for me to try for a child. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. Has anyone got any thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 23/04/2025 08:49

Your decision here ..do you want a baby or not ...if you don't stay with him, if you do you have to leave. You don't have time here. I had dd at 41 so it is possible (I got lucky after ten years of trying the one month we didn't I fell pregnant) but time is running out. A friend had a baby via donar and never regretted it at 41. She just never met the right person at the right time. Like you she was shy. Trouble is he has the time to change his mind. You sadly need to decide if the baby thing is a deal breaker.

BumbleBeegu · 23/04/2025 08:49

The time to leave was 2.5 years ago OP. What were you thinking, staying, when he told you then??

It really is ‘now or never’ time…if you want a child, you need to leave and probably start the ball rolling to have a child alone (using a donor?).

GoldGuide · 23/04/2025 08:48

OP, get practical.

Conversations with him can run alongside the following (if you're serious about wanting to have a child and wouldn't mind going it alone)

  • fertility MOT
  • mentally preparing how you would do this alone (e.g. where you would live, support from friends/family).
  • financial planning.

And then just do it. You've got time but need to act asap if you want kids. I know women who have had kids in early 40s. Get your ducks in a row and get planning on what you can do now.

AprilBunny · 23/04/2025 08:46

He told you 2.5 years ago he didn’t want to try for a DC.

Swiftie1878 · 23/04/2025 08:46

It really is ALL in your hands now. But, fwiw, in your position, this is what I’d do.

Tell him we’re over - I’d never forgive or forget being led up the garden path in this way, and his attempt to literally derail the life I had planned for myself and with him. The relationship would be over.

Sign up for a sperm donor, and get the ball rolling to have a baby alone. I’d do this, like TODAY. Time is not on your side.

Look at the best way to manage the house situation. Sell as it is, or draw up an agreement to complete the renovations and then sell. Potentially borrow money against the house to pay professionals to speed up the process and get out of there.

Good luck - I feel for you so much. He’s been an absolute shit.

Gundogday · 23/04/2025 08:46

Daisyvodka · 23/04/2025 08:42

I'm so sorry that this is happening, but I'm another person here who is a bit confused as to why this didn't all come to a head a lot sooner - you got together early 30s, surely you both knew the clock was already ticking?

Me too.

Needlesnah · 23/04/2025 08:44

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:23

He has seriously dicked around here, hasn’t he? My response would be clear: I would be coming off contraception and telling him that I want a child. If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave.

What he is doing is the very antithesis of kind.

This 👆🏻

ilikeeggs · 23/04/2025 08:43

I’m sorry to say that you’ve left things a bit late and should have given him the ultimatum to start trying or split up years ago. If you really want to become a mum I think donor sperm is your best bet and that’s something you’d have to do soon.
I also agree with others that you should come off contraceptive. If he doesn’t want kids he can use a condom or get a vasectomy

Mischance · 23/04/2025 08:43

Sorry ... I meant to write ... I am sorry HE cannot see that.

NuffSaidSam · 23/04/2025 08:43

Cinai2 · 23/04/2025 08:38

Oh and don’t come off contraception as some suggest; you’d have a baby with an unwilling father who most probably won’t pull his weight and you’ll resent him.

You think she should keep taking contraception that doesn't agree with her rather than asking him to use a condom?! Why?

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:43

Daisyvodka · 23/04/2025 08:42

I'm so sorry that this is happening, but I'm another person here who is a bit confused as to why this didn't all come to a head a lot sooner - you got together early 30s, surely you both knew the clock was already ticking?

It did

2.5 years ago he explicitly told the op to stop trying for a baby

Mischance · 23/04/2025 08:42

I am so sorry that he has messed you about like this. For me it would be hard to forgive.
You have some difficult choices ahead and if one of those is pregnancy by whatever route you have time pressure.

If you stay you will resent him in the end. I am surprised you cannot see that.

In any event you need to stop shovelling down chemicals that upset you. You are not obliged to do that.

LoveTKO · 23/04/2025 08:42

OP you might not be able to have children at your age.

Nevermindthebuzzard · 23/04/2025 08:42

He told you 2 years ago he didn't want children. You just didn't listen. Yes he's dicked you around, but come on - take some responsibility for your actions here.

Leave him and go it alone and sooner rather than later.

Daisyvodka · 23/04/2025 08:42

I'm so sorry that this is happening, but I'm another person here who is a bit confused as to why this didn't all come to a head a lot sooner - you got together early 30s, surely you both knew the clock was already ticking?

MissyB1 · 23/04/2025 08:40

It isn't just about whether you have a child or not now, to me this is about his inability to be completely honest with you, and constant muddying the waters. Blowing hot and cold over having a baby is a shit thing to do to someone. So even if you decide to forgo being a mum I would question whether this relationship can survive.

Cinai2 · 23/04/2025 08:38

Oh and don’t come off contraception as some suggest; you’d have a baby with an unwilling father who most probably won’t pull his weight and you’ll resent him.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:37

I’m going to guess you’ve also been desperate to marry op

and he’s been similarly ambiguous about that too

LongHoliday01 · 23/04/2025 08:37

You have been with him for eight years and now you are 41. Sorry but you should have tried for children years ago. I do think you should take responsibility for that - as in staying with him when he was unsure and not going ahead and having children earlier in your life.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/04/2025 08:37

For starters I would come off the pill as it doesn’t agree with you. If you continue to have sex with him he needs to be aware that contraception is 100% his responsibility.

I mean this kindly, but you probably should have thrashed this out some time ago as you have likely left this too late… was there a reason for this?

The fact that you might not have children is no reason to stay with him. He has been very unkind here and possibly never ever wanted them and strung you along until it was too late. Even if he has had a change of heart, he has still not been absolutely clear until now.

Difficult though it may be with the house renovation, I would not blame you for splitting up. He has treated you poorly and who wants to be with someone who can do that?

What was his response when you told him you wanted to separate?

Mmhmmn · 23/04/2025 08:36

You can leave him. You can leave him for this and you can leave him for anything. But certainly over this. Don’t over complicate it in your head. You’re not on the same page and he is not as kind and considerate as you let yourself believe. He wants your life to revolve around his and for you to suppress and ignore and let go of your own needs. It’s very common.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2025 08:36

So you either stay with him without kids, or split in order to have kids (bearing in mind that may not happen given your age, whether you meet someone etc). You are where you are, and age is not on your side now, so you really need to make a decision. He doesn’t want kids, so it’s your call whether to stay or go. Sorry op, it’s a tough one but only you really know about how much you want a child, versus want to be with this man.

Clockface8 · 23/04/2025 08:33

Maray1967 · 23/04/2025 08:31

If he doesn’t want one he needs to leave. Nowhere did I write that she should trick him.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t want one
but loves the op

it’s on the op to make that call

Chiseltip · 23/04/2025 08:33

At 41 your chances of getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term are very low (despite what people say on here). It's likely already too late for you because if you split up, it will take a number of years for you to meet someone else and get into a position where kids are going to be up for discussion. By then it will be too late for you to get pregnant.

I'd give up on the baby, that ship has sailed.

Do you want to continue the relationship?

CleverButScatty · 23/04/2025 08:32

PicaK · 23/04/2025 08:29

In the gentlest way possible you have probably left it too late to have children. I would get some counselling. If you leave him you might have no partner and no birth children. Yes he's messed you about but you have also been in denial a little bit.

So what if she's single if they split. Miles better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.