He no longer wants kids

I’d rather be single than with someone who had stolen my chance of having children from me.

Honestly if it was deal breaker for me, I’d be moved out by tomorrow and off to the sperm bank and do it alone. You have zero time to waste now and he’s mucked you around quite cruelly.

A friend of mine nearly 40 at time booked appt at IVF clinic to go it alone, told him he had 3 months til her treatment started and he had to make a decision.
in her case, he realised he wanted her with a baby more than not her at all. Pregnant, married and second on way.

In your case, I would just get down the clinic whether or not he will be the father - 41 is getting optimistic regardless and every month things move on. Miscarriages more likely. Get the eggs/embryos in freezer now and give yourself a chance.

if you don’t try and he’s effectively tricked you into losing your chance, you will never forgive and at some point it’s going to fold. Sadly, he’ll probably move on and have kids with someone else eventually.

be kind to yourself

Well said.

He being scapegoated but OP had agency all this time. She’s not a victim.

People are entitled to change their minds about something as big as having a baby but I think these things should have been discussed much sooner given your age, you should have sat down and had a proper conversation about this years ago and then come to a decision on if you wanted to continue the relationship or not, I think you either have to stay with him and accept a baby wont happen, leave him and hope you find someone in time to have a baby with (unlikely) or go it alone with a sperm donor which you would have to be pretty quick about also, I would also advise getting your fertility checked at this stage to find out if having a baby is even possible for you

I think so too. OP, you say he suggested 2.5 years ago to start trying for a baby after having your coil removed but then changed his mind a few months later. This change of heart isn't a recent thing.

That’s exactly what my partner’s ex thought would happen that she’d get the baby and he’d go away and leave her to it
Hasn’t worked out like that and now she has to give her baby to somebody else 50% of the time. Not exactly what she had planned.

There isn't a single man in the world giving up the chance to have a child for.

I spent two years with someone, got engaged, then it became clear he didn't want marriage and kids. The next man I asked on the first date if he wanted them as I wasn't wasting any more time. I would have walked away if he'd said no or at the first sniff of a change of mind.

A neighbour found at after marriage, at late twenties, her new husband didn't want kids. They are mid sixties now. She's still sad. He regrets it.

Use your brain. Listen to your ovaries. But do not have a child with this man. It is unacceptable to go in to it with a reluctant father. Don't bank on him sticking around. It's selfish to do that.

1. He doesnt want kids.
2. Agreeing to try to placate you isnt enthusiastic consent and it is not best for the child.
3. Don't pretend to yourself that he hasn't willingly lied to you to keep you and time you out.
4. You almost certainly have been timed out and need to plan on that basis. I'm so sorry.
5. You can choose a man that did this to you amd make the best of it or you cam start over.

I know its tempting to stay and try for a baby as a last shot but he won't be a good dad as he doesnt want children and the first rule of being a parent is putting your child first. I don't envy your position at all.

Maybe she'd prefer that to no baby at all?

What?!?! This is an absolutely insane idea. This is a child!!! Not a goldfish or a hamster!!! So

Please don't do this OP.

Oh sorry, I read that as he told her he wanted to stop trying at that time, with it being implied they'd try later, not that he didn't want a baby at all.
But even then... 2.5 years ago, they had been together for 5.5 years, OP was already 38/39, if we wind back a bit further, if they had been together 3 years when OP was already 37/38 surely OP would have been aware that they were already cutting it fine? That's what I mean, how has this not blown up sooner.

Which is no different to being a single mum if she decides to use a sperm donor?

I’m another one who is confused as to why it’s been left this late?

Most couples who have been together for 9 years have married (if they wanted to) and started a family, possibly having even more than child, even if they meet their partner at a much younger age than 32/33 (as was your case).

When he told you two years ago that he wasn’t sure about having children, when you were 39 years old, that’s when it should have been ultimatum time, or the time that you left.

You’ve now let this drag on for another two years and your chance of having a successful pregnancy in a committed relationship with someone who wants the same thing has probably passed you by now.

I’m sorry to say it but I think you need to accept that the life you had wanted is not the one you are going to get.

So the question is whether you continue staying with a man that you love and accept that children are very unlikely to be part of your future, or leave him and try fertility treatment with a sperm donor.

It will be a hard choice to make but it’s one you need to make soon.

If there is a chance you do want a baby with him or via treatment I would come off the pill in now. I came off the pill over a year ago and my cycle has still not resumed. So if you want to vid yourself the best chance come off the pill and use alternative contraception that wont affect your body.

Because she’ll be the one ending up being a single mum when he runs off after baby is born. Simples. Never said it’s fair but let’s be realistic.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Being a parent was far more important to me than staying with someone who didn't want them.
You say he used to want them though - was he lying then or is there a reason he doesn't feel he wants to become a parent right now? Regardless, it's now or never.

It's very late in the day to start trying to conceive without the added drawback if a reluctant partner. Of course he shouldn't have messed you around like this. He us happy with things as they are and you're not. I would just stop using contraception. And refuse to have sex with a condom. Or end the relationship completely. No point in any more discussions.

This is very sad and happened to my brother too. His wife said she wanted kids from the start and then around 38 changed her mind. It happens without any intent to mislead. The idea of kids can seem really attractive but then when you actually look at getting pregnant and the commitment, many people eventually realise they just wouldn’t be able to be the parent a child deserves. To get to that realisation often takes years of self-denial or telling yourself I can’t think about it until I have a career and stable income, then I can’t think about children until I own a home. It’s only once you have checked off every box of what you should have before having a child that you really start to face the reality of parenthood.

So it is heartbreaking when a couple reaches the point of this is it, now or never, time for a child and one is still yeah let’s do it and the other is oh no I don’t think I can go through with it. It’s bitterly disappointing, but not really a betrayal imho.

I agree you need to be realistic about your age in terms of pregnancy and childbirth. You do have a partner that loves you and that is worth a lot. However, if you want a child you would need to split up and go for artificial insemination as a single mum to have the best chance of having your own biological baby. I don’t think at 41 there is time to find another partner and naturally fall pregnant.

If you just want to be a mother and being a stepmom would fulfill that, then it’s split up and find a partner with young children.

Arguing in a loop with your current partner is not going to solve things, you’ve been trying that for over a year. As much as he has tried, he seems to genuinely have come to the realisation he doesn’t want children after all. You can’t guilt or emotionally blackmail someone into being a parent, nor do you want to as you’ve been really admirable in not taking his “we can try” at face value.

It’s time to assess what do you want most in life, we can’t always meet all our life goals. Is having children worth sacrificing your partner? If it is, that is totally fine. We only have one life to live and you’ve spent half your life not a mother, it’s ok to spend the next half as a mother if that’s what you want. It’s ok for him to have changed his mind, but it’s equally ok for you to say that is a deal breaker.

You don't have to answer that, but if you met at 32-33, why did you wait until your late 30s to consider trying?
I'm asking because, based on what happened in the past few years, I would look back at whether he was the main influence for things to go that way (eg. "Of course I want kids, but let's wait to buy a house, Let's wait until I get that new job, Let's wait until....).

The question is: has he really been dicking you around like others have said? That would be the end of the relationship for me.

If that's really what you want, have a child on your own, you'll be better off.

They’ve both let the faffing around babies go on this long. If you really really want to be a mum it’s naive to wait until you’re in your 40s to get serious about it.

Op I would go for a fertility mot to see what your chances are then decide if you want to try with him, give up, have one by yourself with sperm donor

Can you take some time off work and go away on your own? Sometimes getting some space between me and the other person/issue can help me process and think about things a bit clearer. I am not saying "leave him" just get some time to yourself.

I understand the need to have a child, but thinking it won't ever happen. In my case it was miscarriages, but it doesn't matter why, it's the same sense of loss of what might have been. But you are also dealing with the potential loss of your relationship too.

Being practical, having children in later life does have it's downsides, it's not been plain sailing and there have been times when I really really wished I didn't have this teenage shit to deal with. We have passed through that now, but I still do wonder about what my life might have been had we not adopted. I would be financially better of, have a bigger pension pot and would have travelled more.

Your DH has not behaved well about this, and it would make me view him differently, how much can I rely on him in times of trouble? But I also can see he has been struggling with dealing with parental loss and the remaining parent becoming a problem. Maybe he doesn't feel he has the emotional bandwidth to deal with both ends of the spectrum - aging parent and young baby.

Don't throw away an otherwise strong relationship - but be sure it is a strong relationship before you put aside the possibility of having children if it's what you really want.

My Mum had a similar issue with my Dad (childhood sweethearts, 18 year relationship) he didn’t want kids and she did. She got pregnant twice “by accident on the pill”. He left after me and my twin were born.

Don’t have children with an unwilling man. Now I’m in my 30’s and in a similar position (except my partner is brilliant and nothing like my dad)

I won’t force the subject as I only want to have children if my partner is keen (obviously there is never a perfect time). I’ve settled for being an aunt and having a comfortable lifestyle and great holidays.

I am working on getting a spaniel though!

You need to act quickly. Whether he stays or goes is up to him. Frankly, he’s done this to you, how can you forgive that?