He no longer wants kids

His response has always been either just a quiet grunt, ‘ok’ or no response at all with a look akin to a deer caught in the headlights.

It doesn't sound like he's ever really wanted them to be honest, you said you used to talk about children and you both wanted them in the beginning, but was that always hypothetical? Now you are pushing him in to a REAL decision regarding children he has given you his honest answer.

It sounds like he liked the thought of it but never the reality, you should have really hashed this out properly before committing to anything like buying a property together, I'm sorry OP, but even at last year it may have already been too late for you to naturally conceive.

Don't even think about having a child with someone who doesn't want one.

If you at any point find yourself "putting pressure" on someone to have children, you shouldn't have children with them.

I would prefer be a mother and go it alone than stay in this relationship if I were you. Agree with others who have said you have left it late. There is still a chance at 41 but I would advise getting to a fertility clinic asap if you want to be a mum to discuss options.

Surely having kids was something you should have done 5 years or so ago? You’ve left yourself no time.

Even if you walk away from this relationship there’s a good chance you’ll be too old to meet someone else and have a baby.

He’s been a dick but you should have pushed him on the baby question years ago not left it until you’re 41.

Def stop taking responsibility for contraception though, that’s on him now.

OP, I really feel for you, but I think you need to take some responsibility for procrastinating and sticking your head in the sand about this, if you have always wanted a child and eight years of conversations have never led anywhere, and if, as you say, his responses have been a grunt, an ‘OK’ and a deer in headlights expression,

I say this not to be mean, because your pain leaps off the page, but to encourage you to act. If you want a child, you will have to do it alone and asap, rather than wasting even more time having couples counselling with someone who fundamentally doesn’t share your priorities. Don’t waste time blaming him. Take action yourself.

At your age odds on you would need IVF either way (if only to much increase your odds and mitigate risk of losses). Get on with it. Call Create/CARE etc today.

Sperm donor babies don’t come cheap, and at 41 now, the cheaper streamlined options aren’t available for you. Ring the clinics and find out about the funding options for you. UK sperm banks a bit lacking so also start browsing ESB and cryos. And look at their videos and guides.

Basically crack on with it now. I can promise you for all the worries and ‘can I do it alone’ moments, you really can. There’s nothing like a screaming baby/ speedy toddler / argumentative reception child to give you peaceful joy in the core of your soul.

Either way you should come off the pill - there's no reason to torture yourself. I can't handle being on oral contraception so my husband and I used condoms for years until we wanted children then he had a vasectomy - contraception isn't only a woman's responsibility so that's already incredibly selfish of him to insist upon.

But if you want kids on the table the time is now - today - like right now. And that's likely to be single parenting by choice so looking into options now - today. I have plenty of friends who had children in their 40s but it wasn't always an easy road and you certainly can't leave it another month or two or 10.

You should not have a child with this man. He doesn't want that and he will walk. But I honestly think this selfishness has killed the relationship already - 8 YEARS of talking about it without committing plus refusing to take responsibility to contraception while the solution is making you unwell is enough already. You'll be happier single.

I'm so sorry about this, OP. Even if the relationship could be repaired, I don't think I could ever get over this man taking away my opportunity to have children. He is allowed to change his mind, but it is still really cruel and devastating for you.

This is silly advice

41 is not too old to have a child. Wasn't Cherie Blair 45?

I've known several women who had their 1st at 41 and even older.

It may take a bit longer but she's 41 not 50!

As other posters have said, stop taking a medication that gives you bad side effects!

Ask a GP how long you need to wait from stopping the pill to having accurate fertility assessment results, then when that time has elapsed:-
Get a AMH blood test done on any day of your cycle.
Antral follicle scan (ultrasound to look at your ovaries) on day 2 of your cycle. 'Cherish' is the cheapest provider I have found.
"Female hormones" eg Oestradiol FSH etc blood test done on day 3.
When you have all your results talk to a doctor at a fertility clinic.
Remember you have options. If you try IVF and it doesn't work you can adopt an embryo. Don't let anyone convince you to not even try for a baby if it's something you need to do.

In your shoes I would try to get pregnant as soon as possible via donor sperm.

Do not consider him as father material.

Get the half finished project on the market and sold or stay while it is finished and get it sold but you have to do what you want now.

I’m 41 and have been with my partner, 39, for 8 years (1 engaged).

I'm sorry but it's rather odd that in 8 years together since you were 33, you've only really started t put pressure on him now to have a child.

The trying should have started at 35 or sooner.

The odds on you getting pregnant now are reduced anyway.

Are you not aware of declining fertility? It doesn't sound like it and you've let this drift.

You have 2 choices-

1 start trying today
2 leave him

Yes, and someone might be able to correct me but if you do want to start trying in whatever way I'd feasible, I'm pretty sure yo should give it a few months off contraception to allow your hormones to stabilise so come off it now. Why on earth should contraception be your responsibility in these circumstances!

This is untrue. Plenty of women in their forties have healthy pregnancies and babies. In fact more women in their 40’s are having babies than in their under twenties for the first time. I had my first baby at 40 & the midwives were totally unfazed and assured me it’s the new norm. Women have always had babies well into their forties however the difference being now that many women are waiting until their forties until having their FIRST baby. Forty is not the death knell for fertility that we are told it is & your comment was so unnecessarily cruel.

Unfortunately you should have taken the reins here years ago. You've been together since you were 33, and this is only coming to a head now? If you want a child you must act now (and basically have one on your own) - it still may not be possible. It seems like it was glaringly obvious at least 2.5 years ago, but you just carried on? Do you definitely want kids?

You need to be realistic here. You have very possibly left it too late to have kids. Don’t be fooled by the celebs having kids in their late 40s and beyond. It’s almost impossible naturally. Your best option is to use a donor egg but if you do that in a couple, that requires significant commitment. From what you’ve said, there is no way he will buy into that. If you want kids, I’d leave him and go straight for fertility treatment or adoption. You have to make some brave decisions now if you want to be a Mum. Do you have trusted family or friends to support you? I’d lean on them and go for it.

He has strung you along until it is too late for you to have a baby. He kept moving the goalposts. I'd definitely come off the pill if it is making you ill. He should take responsibility for contraception by using condoms or having a vasectomy.

He doesn't sound lovely at all and I would be making plans to leave. I also wouldn't be surprised if he then found a younger partner and had children with her. He doesn't sound kind or trustworthy.

I'm very sorry that you have lost your chance to be a mum. That's really awful of him.

If the contraception isn't agreeing with you then stop taking it and inform him that he needs to use a condom. The moods aren't going to help you see things rationally when you need to make some major decisions. Sounds very tough, all the best.

I think that's a myth men tell themselves to feel powerful. While it's TECHNICALLY possible, older fathers often lead to medical issues, plus realistically who wants to be 60-something and dealing with teenagers!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, he's messed you around so badly.

I'm a single mum by choice and to be honest, it's awesome.....don't think that not having a partner is a barrier to what you want. Go it alone.

He can have children up until the day he dies,unfortunately you cannot,time already is not on your side,if you choose him,there is nothing stopping him in 5 years time suddenly deciding he now wants children,leaving you to have one,if he really doesn’t want them make him get the snip!

Are you sure you really want a baby? I ask because it could be that subconsciously you are running the clock down

Ignore the tellings off and guilt-tripping on here, life isn't always as simple and clear cut when you're living it.

I really really feel for you OP. If I was in your shoes, (if able with work and finance) I'd go have a load of fertility tests to see where I'm at. With those results, I'd then take myself off for a week to a beach or somewhere with fresh air and get some distance from my partner. Give myself space and time to really consider what I want and my options. Give yourself some time to mull and think without the distractions.

I'd try my best the end of the week to come to a conclusion and put plans in place whether that is stay and work through the bad feeling with partner and accept no children, or leave partner and go for it (possibly alone). During that week, I'd try my best to park all the horrible pain in feeling right now, and focus on five years' time....where do I want to be and how do I get there?

I would also try to determine whether partner doesn't want kids full stop, or if he's doubting the relationship. I'd try to ascertain that also...is it kids or commitment to you he's scared of?

He has been terrible at communicating OP but it also sounds like you have been in denial. Surely when he didn't want to start trying after you had the coil out, given that you were already 38/39 at that point, it was a strong message that he wasn't on board with the idea?

Anyway, that's in the past now. I think you should definitely go to counselling to talk through your feelings about staying together and remaining childless or trying to have a baby on your own.

You need to decide if you want a baby more than you want this man. He's entitled to change his mind about having kids but it's not okay to him to future fake and waste your time so you don't have the opportunity to try. Only he will know if he never wanted kids and was letting your biological clock run out or not.

Anyhow, if I was you I'd start by having a fertility MOT and seeing your egg reserve levels and where your hormones are at. Egg quality starts to decrease at 35 but its not impossible to get pregnant. My 1st took a lot of intervention but my second was a happy surprise at 42. You don't have time to fuck. Make a decision and stick to it. I think waiting to find someone at this stage is a bad idea so I'd consider sperms donation.