He no longer wants kids

When you had to come off the coil 2.5 years ago, he suggested that you try for a baby, but by the time you'd had it removed 4 months later, he'd changed his mind. That was your red flag indicating, he didn't want a child. You didn't see that red flag, and went on to take the Pill. Honestly, I don't think your partner has been particularly bothered from the start, if he had children or not, but as time has gone on, he clearly has sided on the 'not wanting children'. You have blindly been following his lead, ignoring the excuses, the non-committment to the subject and not discussed it properly. Now, that the subject has been discussed, it turns out he's not interested. At 41, you have left having a child way too late, this is something you needed to do 5 years or so ago. Yes, it's possible for you to fall pregnant at 41, but your partner isn't on board with that idea. By the time you found someone else, and were in a position to try, you'd simply be too old. I'm so sorry OP, I know you must be devastated. I would suggest having some counselling for yourself, and possibly couples to see if your relationship is salvageable or if indeed you want it to be. If your partner felt like this, and has done for some time, he should have been completely honest with you, giving you the chance to find someone else.

She had 2 x twins so technically 4 pregnancies

I'm so sorry OP. We read this time and time again on here - being strung along by someone who can change his mind at any time and have kids until he is 80+.

I 100% agree with you here - all I’m saying is keep optimistic

And this kind of lovely anecdote is why people delay. Fertility drops when people get older. For some it starts plummeting late 30s, and if people are lucky early 40s. Chance of splitting out 6 (unless big multiples) starring in early forties is so remote I’m surprised she wasn’t in a record book.

Would you really want to have a baby with someone you know is just appeasing you? I wouldn't want that for my child as it's bound to affect how involved or hands on he is as a parent. I'd split and then start the process of having a baby solo immediately. Time isn't on your side to wait until the house is done up / the split is over.

This is highly unusual! OP should not be complacent assuming that she is an outlier, she should be acting with the most likely scenarios in mind and giving herself the best chance of getting the outcome she wants. She hasn’t got any time to waste

The comment wasn’t cruel it was practical. You were very fortunate to get pregnant in your 40’s as the majority won’t be as lucky

My great gran had 6 kids in her 40s OP so don’t worry on the fertility front

Agree, although at 41 I would not waste time with IUI – you could squander precious time this way when the odds with IUI compared with IVF are far poorer

This is spot on. It’s a matter of odds of getting pregnant naturally (and not losing it) at 41 are not good. Plenty get pregnant and have a baby but a whole load more don’t.

if you really want a baby at 41, it’s a matter of maximising odds by getting as many eggs out, getting to embryo stage and putting body in best position to grow a baby (so all the vitamins especially folate)

He’s completely taken the piss. Sorry to be blunt, but at 41 it is already far more difficult to conceive and from 42 onwards, egg quality is much diminished. If you want to have kids in this lifetime, you need to act fast.

I know you’ve got a lot on your mind already with your partner, and you’re already feeling overwhelmed, so this post isn’t with the intention of upsetting you, but rather to make sure you understand your position and your options.

I’m 41 and am currently banking embryos with IVF before trying to go ahead with any potential pregnancy, as I know after 42 things drop sharply (by no coincidence, 42 is also the age at which ivf entitlement on the NHS stops).

If you know you want kids, you need to explore your options, quickly. Many people go the solo route with IVF – you do have options. I would seek out support to work out quickly what you want to do. Best of luck.

I’m in agreement with this.

I would say he’s been running the clock down. Whether it’s deliberate and calculating or almost accidental I couldn’t say but he should have been much blunter about it 6+ years ago rather than vaguely not sure until you are on the wrong side of 40. If having a child is something you want to pursue then, frankly, you are on your own and don’t have a moment to lose. I wouldn’t have a child with him - he doesn’t want one and you will end up co-parenting with someone who wishes the kid didn’t exist, but I would look into fertility treatment and donor conception. You need to be realistic about the chances of success but atm the window may still be slightly open.

I’ve found a lovely fertility clinic in Aarhus Denmark. IUI is half the cost than it is in the UK. If you decide a baby is a deal breaker then your only real option is to immediately start trying with a sperm donor. Are you prepared to be a single parent?

If you’re not then counselling might be a good thing and you can work on coming to terms with not having a child but it’s likely you will always resent him for not being upfront before time ran out for you to find someone new who wanted what you wanted.

sorry you’re going through this

Honestly, you cannot argue with the science. Society may have moved on but biology has not and it’s really foolish to argue that it’s just easy to have a baby at 40 as it is at 18.

At 40+ you have only a 5% chance of conceiving each cycle, and of those that conceive that is roughly a 1 in 2 chance that pregnancy will end in a miscarriage. Those are facts. By the time a woman is 40 almost 60% of her eggs contain an abnormal number of chromosomes, which leads to higher chances of a baby with chromosomal abnormalities or miscarriage.

Not to mention that there are risks associated with being a pregnant mum over 40, both for mum & baby. Higher chance of developing gestational diabetes, more likely to have placental abruption, risk of high blood pressure, preeclampsia, all come with being 40+ and other things.

These are all facts, not something you can argue with. On average you are far more likely to have a healthy baby at 20 than at 40, and you are far more likely to be able to fall pregnant naturally at 20 than at 40.

I think removing the relationship side of things for a moment you need to make an appointment to have a fertility check and actually get a factual outlook on if you can have children now regardless of whether that’s with him or not. You need to know where you stand and what you can possible walk away from/to.

Since you’ve had years of contraceptive repercussions I would come off the pill and be clear with him that you are and why.

Whether you can get over this as a couple is something you need to reckon with yourself, possibly with counselling, or maybe if it does turn out you can’t have a child that might bring too much resentment from your side to carry on the relationship. I do think he’s been very cruel and run the clock down, and I think you’ve probably buried your head a bit because you love him. I think finding out whether you stand in terms of whether a baby is still possible for you is where you start.

Your boyfriend wants to keep the options open to have a child as if he didn't he would have a vasectomy. It is likely not with you though. His actions aren't the actions of someone who cares about you, he's been lying and stringing you along.

As an aside why haven't you wanted to marry your boyfriend yet? Or is it him that is dicking around on that too?

The chances of conceiving naturally in your early 40's are unfortunately 5% or less.

You have 100% been played, for years.
He has never wanted children and clearly strung you along.
8 years you wasted OP.
Unfortunately you have to take responsibility for actually believing him for so long.

I feel very sorry for you.
Your choices are limited to a doner I suppose.
Can you see yourself rearing a child alone?

His messing with you and his nastiness when the subject came up, should have been a huge red flag to you that he NEVER wanted children.

Oh and only a truly toxic man deliberately runs down a womans fertility.

He is toxic and clearly would be a shit father.

Good luck OP I really hope you get the baby you want ❤️❤️❤️

Whilst not as pessimistic as some of the posters, I do concur that you need to put your cards on the table, as complications getting and keeping a pregnancy, and indeed with the health of the baby, increase with the longer you wait.

I agree with the advice as above:

(1) Come of the pill and let your cycle restore and hormones sort themselves out. That may take some months. Tell him that you are doing that, and he can make the decision to use contraception and indeed whether to have sex at all.

(2) Get a fertility MOT.

(3) Make clear to him that you no longer have time to faff around, and children are a non-negotiable deal-breaker, and that if he is serious about not wanting them then that is it.

No, but significantly better for the child to have both parents in their lives. In the OP's situation this would be the best possible outcome! Unfortunately doesn't sound like her partner will step up.

I would make plans for sperm donation /IVF today. You dont have a moment to loose.
and I probably wouldn’t mention it to him till it’s successful he’s played you like a fiddle and kept you as an option. You can do the same.

He has deliberately run your biological clock down and has now finally admitted what he knew all along, that he doesn't want kids, because he thinks it's now too late for you to leave him and have them with someone else.

He's a grade A shit.