He no longer wants kids

I'll ask what others have asked as well: do you really want children? If yes, then make that it a reality and start TODAY. You get off the pill and start calling donor organisations. TODAY. You don't have a minute to lose. You can leave him or stay with him, choose whatever works for you, but do not wait for this man to make up his mind, or change his mind, or whatever. Absolutely do not waste time on counselling - you do not have the time! You are 41, so the earliest you MIGHT have a baby is 42. Counselling you should have done 8 YEARS ago! Go and become a mother, if that is what you want, but you cannot wait for this man! (If the answer is no, then just stay with him and no need for counselling either, I suppose, and this is coming from someone who is generally very much pro counselling.) Honestly OP what have you been waiting for all this time? Has no one ever given you a reality check and told you that the chances of getting pregnant dramatically decrease, already from 35? Don't listen to other mums who say 'oh I got pregnant at 43 without any issue' - they are the exceptions, not the rule. Please go and follow your dream, if having a baby is what you want, but do not waste any more time and get on with it!

Why accuse people of making OP feel worse? I think at this stage it would benefit OP to be aware of the facts , the way some people are talking on here is that she could start TTC now immediately after coming off birth control and magically conceive straight away, with a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy birth.. it is not the reality of her situation at all and pretending otherwise is just giving false hope.

Encouraging her to start TTC when her partner has made his wishes about having children clear (and he has said as much for the last 18 months) is quite frankly ridiculous. Not to mention that as well as forcing a child on someone who doesn't want them, a person who has quite crippling MH problems and has at least one narcisstic parent themselves.. what part of that sounds okay?

@Lizzielost id split because you are starting to hate/resent him. I'd look elsewhere or try alone. You have both been kicking the can further down the road. I have friends like this and the women really resent their partners whereas really they should have left years ago.

It is harder having kids older, youd need to consult fertility experts. My consultant says he sees women in their 50s but odds are these are donor eggs.

Dont stay with someone who clearly has no interest in having kids.

It’s not quite that straightforward.

Roughly 44% would fall pregnant within 12 months, but of those positive pregnancy tests, roughly 1 in 2 will end in miscarriage, and 1 in 85-100 of those babies will have chromosomal abnormalities.

Not at all!

OP, it is likely to be a harder road to have DC now. I had DS2 at almost 41 despite poor ovarian reserve since my late 20s - but I did have 3 mcs in my later 30s. My friend had her DC at 41 and 44 but also had a mc. Basically you’re likely to have many poor quality eggs at this age so it might well come down to how many mcs you can deal with. My consultant at Liverpool Womens spelled it out. If MCs get easier to deal with, keep going as you might get lucky next time - as I did.. If harder, it’s probably best to stop.

I wish you all the very best.

That's not all you're saying. You literally said: "so don’t worry on the fertility front"

That's terrible and deeply harmful advice based on one woman's experience from maybe 100 years ago.

Your great-gran was the exception and not the rule.

You have been together 8 years you both wanted children ,why didn’t you try years ago .This should of been sorted ages ago not now your 41.

I think him stringing you along is unforgivable. Especially given your age.

I imagine even if he did ‘give in’ and try for a baby, if you fall pregnant he’s going to be potentially very resentful and unsupportive.

You mean “Don’t worry on my great gran’s fertility front.”

I have records of my family tree going back 200 years and more.
Most women then were having a child every 2 years from 20 up to around 44.
Many of them had 10 children, some 11.

YANBU. He hasn’t been open and honest with you. He’s also left it to you to deal with contraception. If he doesn’t want to have kids he should consider his contraception options.

You don’t say why he’s had an apparent change of heart. Have you asked him? That’s what a counsellor would do. Was he being dishonest from the start and telling you what he thought you wanted to hear? Is it that he was never really felt comfortable with kids but said it as he presumed he would later Iife, but he still doesn’t? If so, he’s still not been 100% honest.

If he did genuinely want kids but now doesn’t, then what’s changed? Is he worried about his lack of parental support? Is it because he’s not over the grief of losing his parent and worries he won’t be supportive enough to you if he falls apart? Basically, does he have fears that he could overcome with honesty, reassurance and support? Is it doable or fixable?

Or has he decided he doesn’t want children with you for some reason? Even though he loves you. Maybe, having lived with you or lost his parent it’s brought home to him you’re not as compatible as he at first thought. Does your age worry him in some way? Risks of abnormalities, pregnancy or birth problems? Your energy levels? Again, many of these worries could be overcome.

The very least he owes you is a full explanation and whether it’s down to fears that could be overcome if he wanted to. But is being closed off. Counselling may help if it means he’ll be asked to explain his reasons, needs and preferences for you to hear. Even if it gives you clarity to move forward without him.

If he really doesn’t want kids, or want kids with you, don’t give up on having children if that’s what you want. Lots of women have kids in their mid 40s with no problems. And it’s perfectly possible to find someone and trust again. Or you could have a child alone with a donor father.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to stay childless with someone who’d messed me around for so long if he definitely didn’t want kids with me. But some people might prefer to stay in the relationship over having children or because there’s less chance of having them anyway.

Even if that 5% is true (I'll check it out) it means that within 10 months half of all women of 40 would be pregnant.

And that is obviously an average or median percentage.

Why make the OP feel worse about her situation. I was fortunate to never have been in this type of position although I know many women who became naturally pregnant in their 40s despite statistics. This includes my auntie who had her 3rd baby at 44.

You will never know unless you start trying OP & the sooner the better.

Move fast, use whatever funds you have to go the donor route. Read up on single mothers by choice. It's scary but completely do-able if it is what you want.

Not disagreeing with you, but a fertility clinic would see women who were struggling to conceive so that would skew the figures somewhat. My DGM’s youngest sibling was born when her mother was 51. But she had ten healthy children (and for all we know lost others), so no fertility problems there.

My priority here would be for him to now take responsibility for contraception! Stop damaging your health, mental, hormonal and otherwise, if he doesn't want kids he can take the lions share of the responsibility for not creating them.

I think you should have a deep think about whether you really truly want children OP. If it was a strong driving force, you would have been pregnant years ago ... there's never an ideal time for kids.

I think as you're now in your 40s you realise you're in the 'last chance saloon' and this is clouding your judgement, along with hormones. Our diminishing egg supply sometimes makes us behave like this, which makes perfect sense in nature.

I don't think all the blame is on your partner. And I wouldn't leave someone I love and that I got on well with for the very small chance of a pregnancy with someone else at your age.

@Maray1967 hope you don't mind me hijacking your post. OP those are exactly my thoughts so I'd have no more to add

He's stolen your chance of having a baby. How unfair of him.

There are so many myths about the likelihood of getting pregnant naturally over 40. Of course it happens. But the perceived position is skewed by the many older women using donor eggs or other assisted fertility. The natural chance each month is under 5% at age 40. It’s even lower at 41. I worked in a fertility clinic for over a decade.

Not quite! 2 years and 2 months ago, cos of the four months between deciding to try, and removing the coil.

OP, I am very sorry this has happened. I am totally torn over the best course of action - stay with him with counselling, or leave and accept that even if you do find someone else, your chances of having a baby are diminishing with every year.

You have my sympathy, OP.

You’ve a choice to make, him or children. As awful as it sounds it really is that simple. I know you’re not guaranteed to have children, but you’re 100% more likely to without him.

It is, but there’s also the fact that 60% of your eggs at 40+ have abnormal chromosomes, and the fact that at 40+ your chance of miscarriage is roughly 1 in 2.

My head is telling me I’m overreacting and that I can’t leave him as he is everything to me.

You're not and he's not. He can't be your everything if what you want most of all is for him to be the father of your child and he doesn't want that.

Don't waste any more years on him, before it's too late. I'd put money on him being one of those men who leaves then starts a family with the next woman he meets.

I had my daughter at 37 so I was younger but if I felt so strongly about it I would at least try. I love being a mother but only wanted one child.