He no longer wants kids

The relationship would need to end for me. Even if you don't end up wirh a child, it would be better to be single, or to find someone else who you don't resent, or even hate.

I literally just said what I think it’s adding. If this was the kind of post where the OP had been ttc and failing and on that kind of journey then absolutely I think that post wouldn’t be okay. On this thread, where many people have questioned how much OP does want DC, with grounds, then as I’ve said I think it’s valid. Not to mention the fact that it is also true, even if many of us don’t feel that way.

You have a third option. You were using donor sperm anyway. You could continue fertility treatment without him.

It's a bit flippant though isn't it. Op says she wants kids and is 41, it's actually a pretty heartbreaking position. I agree that your post doesn't add anything does it?

Do you think someone commenting “kids aren’t everything” on someone’s post is really going to change how OP feels, do you think in any way shape or form OP will find that helpful

Thanks, it was in a very similar relationship to this. I should have known better. 8 years (like op) and no marriage date and just general blocking of things. I should have left him and he waited until he had a monkey branch so to speak, it was awful but I know better now.

I think it’s a valid point to make, both to give insight into the DP’s PoV and to help OP if she chooses to stay and not have DC, which isn’t off the table esp given her choices up till now.

The post did slightly amuse me though as a potential slogan for Mumsnet.

OP has already gambled years of her fertility for this relationship and at 41 I think she needs to decide if she stays or goes and tries to have a baby via donor x

So sorry to hear this happened :(

I think this is something OP needs to consider too.

Some posters have said ‘why throw away a relationship/man for a baby that might not happen’.

But he could very easily decide in 5 years he does want kids and leave her anyway.

He has been extremely unreasonable and essentially wasted 8 years of your fertility, but I'm not sure what the answer is.

You absolutely should not railroad him into a baby he doesn't want. You then have to coparent with a resentful man for 18 years and there's a good chance you'll end up doing everything and burned out.

At 41, I can't see how you would find another partner and be settled enough for a baby before fertility becomes a serious issue.

If you want a baby and don't have one now, you are likely to regret it.

The best option I can think of is leaving, getting a donor, and planning to do it alone. It's not ideal.

Sorry hit send too soon. Take control. You are the captain of your ship, my point was don't leave it until something like what happened to me happens. Take control.

My 'D'P did this and eventually cheated on me and left.

I had a coil which I was struggling with (pain, heavy periods etc) and he suggested getting it removed about 2.5 years ago and trying for a baby then. By the time I’d managed to have it removed 4 months later though, he’d changed his mind and I went on the pill.

I can't really understand why this has all come up now? Aside from talking about wanting kids hypothetically in the early days, he told you over two years ago that he didn't want to try for a baby, you accepted it and went on the pill, what was your plan at that time?.. to put it off in the hope he would change his mind?

If that was the case it was a massive gamble and unfortunately it hasn't paid off, you've had at least 10 conversations since where he has never changed his mind, and it has ended up in tears and upset, so it really isn't like he has now pulled the rug from under you.. it just sounds to me like you have only now accepted his decision is final and he's never going to change his mind, of course that is going to have an effect on you, but it doesn't seem like he has particularly misled you.

You’re strongly implying he’s depressed. Ticking clock or not that’s a terrible time for someone to become a parent.

If having children is a deal breaker to you, waiting and waiting for someone to be on the same page isn’t the best when you are in your 30’s approaching your 40’s. Especially if you’ve been with someone a long time (8 years)

Life is never perfect, bad things always happen and situations arise. If you want children and you’re fertile window is running out you try your hardest to make that priority

So yes, if it’s something neither of you can agree on and you know your fertility is running out then you do have to stick or twist. OP clearly loves her DP which is why she stayed but now she has to make the same choice stick or twist at 41

And what was OP meant to do in the middle of lockdown if – say – her partner was not full steam ahead for conception during that time? Leave? Start waving at prospective suitors in the park, on her walk, in her mask?

It was also nigh on impossible to get your coil removed during the pandemic.

The PP was saying if OP ‘really’ wanted kids she’d have pushed it sooner. Point is there are loads of perfectly reasonable considerations that might have seen that put on pause.

Thank you for your unnecessary input

Kids aren't everything.... plenty of people regret having kids.

I know it’s a stressful time and all this is hard to take in OP, hope you are ok

Quite. Plenty of people lose family members, experienced the pandemic, have tough times.... and STILL have kids throughout.

If he wanted to, he would have.

I want to echo what others have said in regards to this should of been more of a priority in your 30’s rather than at 41 but I guess it’s easier to say in hindsight isn’t it?

My advice is don’t waste time.

My colleague was in a situation like yours, her partner kept putting off and off children and then this and that happened and then decided when she was 42 he didn’t want kids at all. She stayed and they resented him, by the time they split she was 45 and couldn’t have kids.

At 41 I would consider going it alone and looking into donor. It depends how much you want to be a mother. The fact you say you find it hard watching friends with their kids shows me you want them badly,

Well neither of you are in the wrong. It’s fine for him to change his mind and also fine for you to not want to forego motherhood. You can potentially walk away and try to find somebody else / have a child on your own but the former risks not happening and not sure how you feel about the latter. You may not wish to throw away a good man on the gamble of being able to have a child. But then no point staying with somebody you resent.

Sorry I have no further advice as this is not an easy scenario at all. My heart goes out to you whatever you decide.

But the fact is it MIGHT be too late. Until she tries she won’t know. While it’s very possible she might be able to conceive it certainly isn’t guaranteed. I started trying at 39 (almost 40) and I’ve never managed it. I’ve had 3 miscarriages over the past 5 years. But according to every fertility doctor I’ve seen it’s likely just my age. There is nothing actually wrong with either me or my husband. Everyone told me it wasn’t too late. But it was. The OP needs to know that while it may well be possible and she’ll conceive easily, there is also the chance she won’t. It’s also silly advice to tell someone not to worry about conceiving at 41. I have also been told my only chance would be donor eggs but we have decided against that. It’s something women over 40 need to keep in mind even if chances are they will conceive naturally.

Jees…. five years ago OP was 36. It’s totally fine to wait until 36 to have a baby.

I don’t know what the OP’s reasons have been for not pushing the issue at x point or in y year, but I don’t think that just because she didn’t try at 33 (the same year they met) or 34 or whenever that it immediately follows that she just didn’t want to have kids ‘enough’.

The start of lockdown and pandemic — for example – was a time of huge uncertainty and mental distress for a lot of people. Hospitals (where people have babies) were overwhelmed and also anxiety-inducing places in terms of infection. Yes of course babies carried on being born, no one is claiming otherwise. It was also impossible (or at least extremely difficult, depending on your means) to get a coil removed during this time.

Like a huge bereavement, this is just another example of a totally understandable happenstance that might have caused plans for kids to be put on pause.

In any case, why berate the OP for something she already feels anguish about.

LTB. He's deliberately string you along until you've timed out before admitting he doesn't want children. He knows there's little chance of you meeting someone else in time to have them now. He's not as lovely as you think. It's also shitty that he doesn't want to take any responsibility for contraception yet gets annoyed at the side effects of yours.

TBH if you really want kids, come off the pill and don't tell him. Don't even tell him you're pregnant if you don't want, if you think he'll cause trouble and won't be interested. He's been low towards you, you may as well join him there. The moral high ground isn't going to make you happy, just lonely.

For all those about to jump on me - yeh, I really do think this, I think it's not ideal but is ok and I'm not engaging in conversation with you about how you think I'm wrong.