Page 7 | To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

Roxietrees · 2025-04-22T22:50:23+00:00

I know some parents may not have much of a choice but to send DC to boarding school eg. Working in a foreign country with no international schools close by (although I believe that’s a career choice that’s probably not compatible with having kids). I also understand teens who maybe want that experience and if the parents have the money why not. But what I can’t get my head round is wealthy families living in the UK, where the mum is a SAHM and the kids are shipped off to boarding school aged 7 because it’s “family tradition”. Especially the ones that don’t come home at weekends. What is the point in having kids if you’re effectively going to put them in a posh care home by the time they’re 7??

couchparsnip · 23/04/2025 15:54

I don't really get it either. I know he doesn't represent everyone and this was a long time ago but Stephen Fry talks about going to boarding school at 7 in his autobiography, The most telling thing is that he briefly went to jail as an older teen and found it far less traumatic than the state school inmates because he had already been institutionalised by his school as a child.
How sad is that? Boarding school felt similar to jail.

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:53

No! Parents do not always need to be present beyond age 11. For many they simply are not when it’s day school. Some day schools have a long day and parents won’t see dc for 3 hours! 2 at most. Or less. Mine would not have boarded at age 7 but at 11 it’s fine. For the child that wants to!!

GildedRage · 23/04/2025 15:51

there are extremely few boarding schools for young children even at prep boarding schools 2/3 are day pupils. a single mom/dad who works nights or away for some period of time (flight crew, oil and gas sector or even a nurse working for nights in a row) might find the flexible nature of care very suitable and allows them to remain employed.
so i take it none of you think wycombe abbey or benenden are suitable and only shit parents send their kids to the likes of uwc atlantic college or win col all boarding schools which are highly ranked academically?
the state also has some boarding facilities which again might be extremely beneficial for certain family circumstances where the alternative might be foster care. a very close friend of mine suffered a broken leg long ago and was in traction for 6 weeks, her daughter landed up in foster care a situation which had disastrous long term effects i can't help but thing the communal nature of boarding along with professionally trained staff would have been better even in 2010 when britains youngest boarders was filmed.

Original poster

Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 15:49

RhaenysRocks · 23/04/2025 14:34

A few days a week at most in the majority of cases. Kids in childcare from 8-6pm will be with the parents (awake) for maybe 3 hours tops on weekdays, most of which will be spent eating, bathing, dressing etc. Prep school boarding houses are not anything like what most people imagine. There's plenty of interaction, cuddles, stories, v little screen time . I get irritated when people are so set against something based on zero first hand recent experience.

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Why would a young child want to be bathed and cuddled by a professional that’s not related to them and is there because they are being paid rather than these important bonding activities being done by their parents who love them and are doing it because they love them? How is that any different to being in care?

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sofasoda · 23/04/2025 15:47

Bad parents cross every income strata.

Original poster

Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 15:42

RhaenysRocks · 23/04/2025 13:45

So what is? Are you saying there is only one correct way to parent? And what is that? Please tell us so we can all fit in and do it right 👍

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I think everyone can agree there are many different ways to parent but one factor that should be present for all children is that their parents are present for them. You don’t need to be a SAHP but they should at least be living with you! And as babies/toddlers should be prioritised so that you at least have a couple of days a week with them. Not unmanageable for working parents. If it is then don’t have kids!

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saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/04/2025 15:39

tombombaclot · 23/04/2025 15:35

A guy I used to work with boarded from 11, his parents could easily afford it and he said they didn’t really want him at home.

And I’m curious how happy he would have been by going home to these parents every day 🤷‍♀️

This is really directed to @Roxietrees and others that seem to think boarding schools cause parents to become disinterested vs giving disinterested parents (and their children) a place with structure, companionship, and opportunities

Praying4Peace · 23/04/2025 15:38

I have to add that I cannot understand the concept of choosing to send your children to boarding school.
I fully respect that we are all different but I believe that sending kids to boarding school deprives then of the 'normality' of family life.

RhaenysRocks · 23/04/2025 15:38

@Differentforgirls I'm not ranting. I'm disagreeing. But as you said, I'm not going to change your mind. That being the case, I'm not sure why we are bothering. If you think all parents at home are sitting in front of the TV with their kids the whole time they have it, then I know you're kidding. At prep boarding, screen time is a shared film with snacks etc, not everyone on their own separate devices as it absolutely will be in many many homes.
The v anti bs posts tend to say "kids need" "kids want" with no acknowledgement that all kids are different.

tombombaclot · 23/04/2025 15:35

A guy I used to work with boarded from 11, his parents could easily afford it and he said they didn’t really want him at home.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/04/2025 15:30

Tbrh · 23/04/2025 05:11

Really you can't imagine why it might be different to have some reprieve by going home at night away from the bullies and with people who love you and where you feel safe?

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Well… the OP was using her friend as an example: who was bullied at school and presumably had disinterested parents.

There would have been a high likelihood of being bullied at a day school and those disinterested parents would have been who she went home to.

Again what would have been materially different?

I think one very big mistake a lot of you are making is by thinking all or even most parents are like yourselves. There are a lot of shit, incompetent, cruel, clueless, apathetic, and dangerous parents in the world to varying degrees. Even the most well intentioned parents can screw up your kids. Just because you love them and are involved doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to get it right.

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Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 15:27

Another76543 · 23/04/2025 12:30

The number of children boarding at 7 isn’t even close to 1%. Around 0.7% board, and the majority of those are secondary age.

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I meant the 1% of the top earners in the country

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Original poster

Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 15:21

spring252 · 23/04/2025 11:49

My ex was a boarder from 7, parents abroad. It really messed him up IMO, he was horribly bullied but has convinced himself it was all his choice. As an adult he was very emotionally dependent on his parents, pretty much idolised them, it was all very weird to me.

He didn't come out of it with any qualifications either, even though he said he wanted to be there (from 7) as it was the best thing for his education.

I agree 100% with you OP, I don't get it at all.

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Also think it’s very sad and totally inappropriate to ask a 7 year old what school they think is best when it comes to such a huge decision as boarding. They may want to go cos it sounds like fun staying over with your mates every night with no parents around, or they may say they want to go because they sense it’s what their parents want and they’re trying to please them. All children, subconsciously or not seek approval from their parents. They
can’t possibly grasp the reality of it or understand the long term effects it may have, or understand how vulnerable they may be to abuse. I’m sorry your DH had such a difficult time

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Differentforgirls · 23/04/2025 15:20

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:16

But most boarders are not 7/8 years old it’s a tiny minority of boarders who are. I don’t think anyone thinks this about primary age dc. Most boarders at this age have a family atmosphere. Independence comes in much later and interestingly most boarding schools are happy places. Rules tend to be minimal. Dc can develop into themselves.

The strict state academies are the worst schools that punish DC if they forget something or talk in the corridors. Be careful what you wish for!

Ok. Why have a child and send them away for someone else to look after them?

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:16

But most boarders are not 7/8 years old it’s a tiny minority of boarders who are. I don’t think anyone thinks this about primary age dc. Most boarders at this age have a family atmosphere. Independence comes in much later and interestingly most boarding schools are happy places. Rules tend to be minimal. Dc can develop into themselves.

The strict state academies are the worst schools that punish DC if they forget something or talk in the corridors. Be careful what you wish for!

muggart · 23/04/2025 15:15

I have wondered about this a lot as I went to boarding school age 11. Ultimately, I have decided that my mother simply hated being a parent (no father around so lots of pressure on her) however she did love me and had a strong sense of duty so boarding school was a way she could give me a good start in life while also having her own life without me around too much.

I do think that we need to be much less judgmental towards women who do not love motherhood and who struggle with it. I would like society to get to a place where we can acknowledge some women are not made to be mothers and that’s ok - they shouldn’t be pushed towards motherhood and, crucially, if they are mothers they should be able to acknowledge they need help without being shamed.

I was gaslit my entire life being told I was very privileged to effectively be sent away, and that my repeated ongoing rejection was something to be grateful for and not question. I knew, of course, that I wasn’t wanted and if this could have been openly acknowledged I would have had a chance to understand that this was not my fault, which was of course the inevitable conclusion that i reached.

Original poster

Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 15:11

Odras · 23/04/2025 11:43

I think a very small minority are boarding young nowadays. We know so much more about child psychology now, that most parents accept that young children need their home lives.

i assume that people who send their kids boarding think it is for the best, they seem to put great value on independence. There are some in my extended family like this, they have cordial but ultimately distant relations with their adult children that went to boarding school now. I will be keeping my children close, I think situations where a child is without a parent figure for a few days a week leaves them vulnerable to abuse. I also think that it’s not good for children to be too independent, we are not islands, we are all interdependent on each other and that is a good thing.

I agree. I don’t understand the theory that it will make them independent. They’re 7/8 years old. They’re not SUPPOSED to be independent at that age. It’s pushing a developmentally inappropriate life skill on a child that is not developmentally able to cope with yet. Hence, as many PP’s have said, and what my friend has experienced, all it results in is becoming inappropriately over-independent- often resulting in trauma, emotional repression, and the inability to form healthy relationships in adulthood. It’s good to hear that’s it’s much less common these days. I also have older relatives who went to boarding school very young in the 60s/70s and sexual and physical abuse was rife. It was all over the news a few years ago - many top boys boarding schools in Edinburgh were run by a peadofile ring with peado teachers recruiting fellow peados into the schools specifically to abuse children. The victims have only just been able to bring lawsuits against their abusers in recent years as it was covered up for so long. Of course, most of the perpetrators are now dead so the victims will never see justice. Obviously there are far more safeguarding procedures in place now but with a history like that I wouldn’t want to risk it

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Differentforgirls · 23/04/2025 15:09

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:03

Kids do not need to be near their parents - some kids need to be near their parents for cuddles. Depends on the kid. Others need a cuddle occasionally and they get them.

Hope you don't have any, if you think that the only interaction that CHILDREN (kids are baby goats), need is an occasional cuddle.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 23/04/2025 15:09

Tricho · 23/04/2025 15:03

Yes because sexual predators work exclusively in boarding schools

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Of course they don't; but there's obviously far more opportunity for them to pounce - in the evening or at nights.

Frightened children can't even escape home, because the school effectively IS their home for long periods of their lives.

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:05

My DDs and me were not strangers! How utterly bizarre to think that. Judgemental and totally wrong!

TizerorFizz · 23/04/2025 15:03

Kids do not need to be near their parents - some kids need to be near their parents for cuddles. Depends on the kid. Others need a cuddle occasionally and they get them.

Tricho · 23/04/2025 15:03

thepariscrimefiles · 23/04/2025 12:48

In terms of being a 'safe' parenting choice, lots of adults who were sent to boarding school as children would strongly disagree. Charles Spencer, Diana's brother has written a book exposing the horrific physical and sexual abuse he experienced at his famous public school.

A documentary, 'Boarding on Insanity', has just been released which discusses the life long trauma suffered by those educated at elite boarding schools. These are often the people that end up running the country. David Cameron described being sent to boarding school at seven as “brutal and bizarre” and recalled “frequent beatings”. He lost a stone in weight during a single term. Tony Blair tried to run away aged 14, making his way to Newcastle airport in a bid to escape.

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Yes because sexual predators work exclusively in boarding schools

Differentforgirls · 23/04/2025 15:00

RhaenysRocks · 23/04/2025 14:34

A few days a week at most in the majority of cases. Kids in childcare from 8-6pm will be with the parents (awake) for maybe 3 hours tops on weekdays, most of which will be spent eating, bathing, dressing etc. Prep school boarding houses are not anything like what most people imagine. There's plenty of interaction, cuddles, stories, v little screen time . I get irritated when people are so set against something based on zero first hand recent experience.

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I can see that. However you have to understand that people have different views. I think boarding schools AND all day childcare are abhorrent. You don't. You won't change my mind, especially by comparing the two. The children in both scenarios are institutionalised The "interaction, cuddles, stories, v little screen time are by strangers - not the people who brought them into this world. You trying to justify it by ranting at me won't change my opinion. Btw the "very little screentime" means letting children watch on their own. Screentime when shared with parents makes memories. Children in both institutions make memories with people who look after them for money.

greenwichvillage · 23/04/2025 14:56

I had a friend once who sent her 2 boys to boarding school from the age of 8, not because of terrible home circumstances or work. It was purely because the DH went through it when he was that age and he believed it would be good for their independence. My friend did say that he was very emotionally detached from his parents which makes sense but then why put your own kids through it. Interestingly they also had a daughter who didn't go to boarding school. They were quite a well off family and it looks like they followed tradition. My friend was not really happy about it and didn't really fight for the boys. I have no idea how they were at boarding school as the they moved away from the area soon after.

I also have a niece who went to boarding school at 11+ as her parents had a lot of money and thought it may be good for her future career. She absolutely hated it and cried to her parents over the phone everyday and she was soon pulled out and sent to a day school.

Kids need to be near their parents so that they are there for the cuddles at bedtime and to wipe away any anxieties they may have. You can't do that in a boarding school and so your emotions harden as you do not want to be seen as weak in front of your peers.

Sharptonguedwoman · 23/04/2025 14:53

Roxietrees · 23/04/2025 14:39

“I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m best at parenting”

So you’re saying you thought the staff at your DC’s boarding school could parent them better than you?

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Sometimes, kind consistency and an adult being present is what a child needs.
Also, parents do what they think is best for their children, given their own circumstances, which can change very easily.
OP, I think it's helpful to realise that there are many, many ways to bring up children. You knew someone for whom boarding school was awful. There are lots of completely untraumatised happy kids out there who were very happy at school.