To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

Come on, that's an easy answer.

Are you really saying every boarder isa shitty person but can't see ot for themselves and will therefore "wreck" their own kids by boarding them? You can't see that any single child might have enjoyed it and, heaven forbid, enjoyed it? Or that it was better than being carted round the world every 2 years woth their service dad or being at home with the help while mum and dad sit on important boards or filming tv etc?

I agree - I said upthread that the London private day system nearly finished off my DD (a music nerd). Specialist boarding restored her. If I could wind back the clock sh'ed have boarded much earlier.

I dont mean to patronise or insult, apologies. It's just a chat forum where we share our opinions and experiences.

I have lived and worked all over and there really is a theme with boarders, particularly the old school ones from the 70s and 80s who were packed off at 7 and brought up by Matron and Sir.

They are often overly confident, maybe successful but generally disconnected and a bit screwed up relationship wise. All anecdotal of course.

That's pretty insulting to those who went and are living perfectly happy, well adjusted lives with good relationships all round. And they do exist. How presumptuous and patronising to tell people they don't really know they're fucked up because...they must be, surely! Is it not more likely that different people have different responses to experiences and for some BS is great? It's irrelevant what others can or can't imagine or believe.

My DB sent his children to a boarding school, despite SiL not working.

Now, i can see both sides, the children eventually settled and achieved great grades, doing really well, they had opportunities those in the state sector are unlikely to have.

But the parents missed out on so much, which comes with bringing up children, both the highs and the lows.

Both parents and children say they wished they'd gone as Day Students but that would have meant a "lower tier" private school, which at the time, didn't seem an option.
They missed out on growing up around their cousins too.

I loved bringing up my kids, i wouldn't have missed any of it, the idea of having kids and then allowing "house parents" to bring them up is horrifying for me... but we are all different.

Parents do what they think is the right thing at the time, i wouldn't judge anyone for their choices.

Many people have no idea how it has affected them as it's all they've known. Like like any kid brought up in a dysfunctional environment, it is their norm so they don't recognise how it has resulted in them being cold, disconnected and emotionally stunted.

Those around them see it though.

Well then your friend won't do it herself.

But others who have experienced it and then carry it on obviously don't find it traumatising.

You're very defensive and also your last comment was abusive. Why the anger, is it guilt?

Agreed with what? She doesn't understand? I would also agree with that

Yes it is staggering how some parents will defend their choices to send their kids away, for teachers to do the parenting.

School is 9 til 3 imo not 24/7.

Now now, sour grapes as 81% agreed with her,

I hated boarding school, not because I missed the 'kisses goodnight' from my parents. I was actually quite a well rounded, emotionally mature child (perks of having older siblings). I hated it because back in the 90s it wasn't a nice place, the house mistresses lacked compassion or empathy (if there was one with it they didn't last long).

Some of the stuff that went on then wouldn't be allowed now (the punishments of being made to stand and face a wall for an hour without saying a word is just one example).

Bullying was rife and you couldn't escape it.

Apparently, I was too posh for my posh boarding school. My father was a fairly high rank in the
army and that made the bully see red.

I had come from a school abroad where I was happy, had lots of friends, and involved in all sorts of extra curricular activities (drama was my favourite). The shock was horrendous.

It seems cultish.
The ones that thrive buy into the parent narrative they’re superior. They’ll defend it to avoid the obvious question of why weren’t we a proper family. Probably perpetuate the Malory Towers myth themselves.
Those that don’t…
The culture of introspection and knowledge of basic attachment theory will expose this one and for all.

when our son turned 7, I remember the morning very clearly: our boy, fast asleep between us on his birth day.
my husband looked at me all teary and said: I can’t believe I was sent away at the same age: still a baby

I honestly don’t know. Looking back I was and still am sometimes a people pleaser, I also had 2 versions of me, home me and school me. Since meeting my partner and having children, I can’t always please my mum and it causes conflict which I find hard as a people pleaser. She’s also quite critical and passive aggressive. I think that being sent at a young age affects the attachment a child has to their primary care giver. I’m now quite an anxious person. I remember girls at school coping really unhealthily, a lot had eating disorders. However I couldn’t say if I’d be close to my mum had I have gone to an ordinary school. She also went to boarding school at 10 years old, so I guess for her it was “normal”… she also had a strained relationship with my granny/her mum. It was honestly traumatic being dropped off at the beginning of September, then realising I wouldn't be seeing my mum, dad & brother until
Christmas, I cried nearly everyday.

You should ask them. I find it impossible to believe that someone could go to boarding school at 7 and that it wouldn’t affect you emotionally. I have a 7 year old who needs a kiss from me when they have fall, who crawls into bed with me in the middle of the night, who is scared of monsters in the dark so we spray anti monster spray under her bed, who loves a bedtime story and a cuddle before bed.

I just cannot see how sending her, even to the nicest boarding school, wouldn’t ultimately be a traumatic experience for her.

I work in state school admissions. The two most damaged children (bullying) we have ever taken came from one of these schools. I would not send my own child, unless through a flexi-boarding scenario, where the child themselves chose to spend a night or two at the school in an ad hoc basis. To intentionally trap a child in a lion's den is not for me.

The weekly boarding school bashing thread.

no, but despite this parents on this forum put children through all sorts of hoops to gain acceptance to jags and other top day schools which i’d say again only suits certain children long term. the current mh crisis is apparent in all schools. choosing a flexi boarding just outside of London might offer more when considering the effects of the teen years in an inner city, population dense environment. to me flexi is better than 1.5 hr travel X 2 on top of the school day one where you can’t participate in many after school clubs otherwise your arriving home at 7pm with homework yet to complete.
again I’d rather flexi to sitting on public transport next to someone random.
but like choosing any secondary, you need to find the right fit for your child and family. wealthy families have more options (although there are state boarding schools).

Yes i don't think anyone disputes the academic achievements. At what cost though?

This is a forum for people's opinions so no i won't keep them to.myself. You were going earlier on so make sure you do this time. Bye

Grades are nothing to do with emotional or psychological health and happiness.

Honest question (and not prying so no pressure to give an answer). Is the strained relationship do you think it’s the result of boarding or do you think you would have had similar relationship issues if you didn’t board? Just wondering out loud because it’s not unusual to have issues with your mother at some point in your life regardless of school experience. Or do you think that it’s an additional dimension to the problem?

I went to boarding school aged 10 to 18. My parents lived abroad and wanted to give me a stable education. My eldest is now approaching the age I was when I started boarding, there is no way I would send him. My relationship with my parents (mainly Mum) has become more and more strained as I’ve gotten older. I have wondered if therapy may help me with what I’ve heard called “boarding school syndrome”. It definitely had an impact on me, both good and bad.