To not understand parents who send young kids to boarding school?

I think a lot of adults are simply not good at looking after children.

My parents were useless.

I had to come to a realisation that I can't depend on any other person to look after me. I can look after myself.

I got myself through life.

The OP is judging - she has said so. That is fine. Judgements are allowed. We all make them.

I share her puzzlement. Why have deliberately planned children then delegate their upbringing to others?

For me it would be about ethos influences - I wanted my children to grasp the important things in life like kindness and honesty. I wanted to be the one who gave that to them, rather than risk a group of varied people instilling their values.

In any event I loved them to bits and wanted to be the one who read the bedtime story, cuddled them when they were sad and was their rock. I wanted to watch them develop into the fascinating adults they have now become.

I feel exactly the same.

I think a great many people don't actually realise the immense value of all of the mundane - yes, often boring and unpleasant - interactions between parents and their children in the secure bonding process. Caring for and parenting a child isn't just another household chore that any old person can do equally well if you pay them, just like the laundry, cleaning, cooking or gardening.

It starts right from the beginning, where a baby can't understand what 'love' is, but they do know that there are two very special people who are always near, who comfort them and make them feel safe and secure and happy again whenever they are hungry, tired, dirty or upset - then, as they grow, they mentally and emotionally build on that groundwork connection and gradually come to an understanding of what actual love for another person feels like.

Even as adults, we recognise the stark difference between the many friends who will happily share the fun times and the highlights of life with you, and the few who will still be there standing with you when bad things happen, when you hit rock botttom, when you very much aren't the life and soul of the party.

Would be interesting to come back in another 20 or 30 years and ask them then, and also to ask their life partners and children how they think their loved one has coped with adult and especially family life. I have no skin in this game but have come across a great many reports from people who did experience life as boarders, or who are the partner/child of someone who did, saying very clearly that it has affected that person's ability to form close bonds with others and to know how to cope with family life. Some will be fine, others won't be. It seems to me to be a risk not worth taking if it can possibly be avoided.

My exh was sent to All Hallows at the tender age of 7 and then spent the rest of his education at Ampleforth. He was beaten for punishment as were most of his classmates. It ruined him emotionally.

Outsourcing homework and badgering sounds wonderful but so much more is missed. What about marding them when they’re on their period? The belly laughs at in jokes when hanging out together every night? Even small things like emptying blazer pockets to see what random shit they’ve accumulated.
I don’t think it screws kids up but I am biased after watching the famous documentary a few years ago. It seemed joyless and the choice to send was directed by the father in every case.

I have no skin in this game, but it's pretty obvious that parents do what they think is best for the children - which may mean boarding school, with all the opportunities that brings.
Parents who think their own needs come first ("I would miss my child too much") are potentially viewing it from the wrong perspective.
For some (not all) children, it is an excellent choice.

@RhaenysRocks My DDs would say exactly the same. There’s many outdated views on what boarding means and what it involves. Most dc are happy and the choices suit that family.

I work in the city with a puzzling number of people who send even younger DC to boarding school even though there is usually a completely non working parent.
Over the years a few things have become clearer. Firstly a lot of rich men like having their wife and their home to themselves, they thrive on order not the spontaneity of kids (sad but often the kind of man that ends up running a law firm). One told me with a horrible wink of the pleasure of getting his “weekend mornings” with his wife back now his kids were back boarding (same one who told me that he had his wife have c sections so that she was “honeymoon fresh” for him urgh).
Secondly having been away to school they literally have no idea what parenting is as they were not parented themselves. Especially with teenagers they seem to think taking them out for lunch once at the weekend is the job done and dusted. To the extent of treating it as laughable that others consider it is something worthy of time or effort.
Lastly and seemingly the most common is that it really is a status issue for most of them. Pretending their child is desperate to go to Welly so they can be part of the club of men (occasionally women) who send their children to a flashy and expensive school.
Sometimes it comes back to bite parents who seem surprised that their children have a greater degree of emotional literacy than they did and express their boarding school inflicted mental health issues rather than repressing them like mummy and daddy did. Though horribly often this is brushed off with a laugh and the poor child is still at the same school years later.
I have never asked anyone why they send their kids to boarding school but these are the attitudes that have been expressed to me over the decades of working there, not much has changed sadly.

Is being a chorister a lifelong career for most people, though?

Don't many boys especially tend to start off as feted sopranos but then drop off as their voices break and transform into unremarkable and much less in-demand adult voices?

I know several kids who are late teens now who have boarded since 8. I asked them directly a couple of weeks ago, now they are about to leave school how they felt about this debate. They ALL thought it's nonsense, that they loved boarding, had a brilliant relationship with their parents and feel entirely loved and secure. In the v long holidays they have no problem "bonding" as a family and are immensely grateful to have had the experience. Whilst I appreciate it will be different for others, you cannot make sweeping generalisations about this. Those young people are confident, independent, able to do so much for themselves that you might not expect of an 18 yo and are entirely happy. Not at all traumatised.

@LuluDelulu Of course I don’t! Never did! There were phones and texting even in our day! We have a great relationship and we are all going on holiday next week. Distant?!! Look at my first post. DH and me always saw our girls and spent lots of time at school events.

Also what’s wrong with them doing homework away from home? Why not get rid of the nagging elements of parenting and get the better bits? We all benefitted!

I suppose now that plenty of people choose to be childfree as it fits their lifestyle much better I do find it really odd that people are going to the bother of having children and then having to use boarding school for lifestyle or work reasons.

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

You’ve put a really positive spin on a very sad story. She sounds incredibly lonely.

And how many children does that apply to these days? There are very very very few full boarding places for children that young now. Believe it or not but times have changed!

Not going to judge someone who can afford to make parental choices for a child, like picking a school. I’m way more disgusted and disappointed by stories of people birthing children they patently cannot afford. I feel similarly to this poster, why have a child only to show it such a shitty life…

So you just didn’t want to do the hard bits of parenting? You must have a very distant and formal relationship with your kids, but I suppose you know no different. Sad.

Yes, it’s awful. They must have zero sense of empathy. Poor kids. It would massively fuck up any child to be institutionalised at 7 or 8- or even 11 in my view.

That’s correct. Though some larger families had “mothers helps” or au pairs. “Night Nurses” for babies were more of a thing in the 40s. Very few mothers worked though.

@TizerorFizz So you mean outsourcing the difficult part of parenting? So that you can just be "fun mum". Well I guess it's just like outsourcing the housework and gardening to some people 🤔

I work in a boarding school but strictly on a casual basis and planning to leave at the end of this term. They do take boarders from age 7, it makes me feel sad.

@Middleagedstriker Boarding doesn’t suit everyone. Parents need to know their dc. Modern boarding is very different. You get to be very involved with the school and dc.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I had a nanny when I worked. Didn’t have her at night! She just did my working hours.

Just to be clear - you don’t hand over parenting. You have the same relationship as parents with dc as before. Dc just don’t sleep at home every night.

One joy was no arguments. No nagging over homework. It was done at school and by exeats it was out of the way. Also DC see their friends without going out of the house. No driving them to see friends or lurking around town centres. We did travel to see DDs friends in the holidays but they were safely at school with friends most of the time.

My DDs left school 12 and 14 years ago. Both really liked boarding. One preferred weekly, but took part in weekend events when expected to, and the other one was keen to stay in for weekend activities. No parent gives up on being a parent and life still revolves around the needs of dc. They felt they had two homes and both would say how much they enjoyed school.

I don’t view dc as possessions. I view them as young people who sometimes need more than home provides. Schools can enhance their lives and I think we had a far better relationship because they boarded.